Eamonn or Eamoff...

**IMPORTANT NOTICE**

EAMONN HOLMES AND RUTH LEE ARE STILL TOGETHER AND HAPPY.

THIS IS DESPITE PRESS REPORTS LINKING EAMONN TO BEVERLY MACCA.

Hiya...that is a press release bin put out from Casa Holmes-Lee...wat a week i've ad...i'll start wiv the story that has triggerd roomers about me n Saint Eamonn of the Holmes...many who follow me n Eamonn (Amy to me) know he often mentions and RT's me durin his Sunrise show on Sky...it's the Macca Magnet...it's a kurse...I'm like that Samantha Brick (silent P) i did feel for her...wimin hate me coz i'm garjus too...but i keep me leggins up high an carry on...well i take an interest in kurrent affairs an set me alarm to wake up wiv Eamonn on me box...nothin better...I'll often flick while I'm watchin...only in the adverts...I like to see wats happenin on Daybreak an wat Charlotte an Jackie are wearin incase they are copyin me...here's were it begins...

Now i've alot of time for the lovely Ruth Lee...between you n me i think she trys to fashon herself on me which would explain alot...I remember watchin her on me nite shift at 'Lesso' garage sellin

snoods n choklit fountains on the shoppin channel...loved her...she could make you think you really wanted a ship in a bottle with brass effect plack wiv yer name n birthday on it...anyways i agress as the posh say...Amy puts up with a lot with Ruth...some wimin will spend a fortchoon on Y'ves saint luigi bags or Lengtharik perfumes or even Timmy Shoos...not Ruth...it's candles...not any ald Pound Paradise one either...that Joan Malone...dunno if she's relayted to that fat bird wiv the gastric band from Shameless Tina...dun alright if she is...well Casa Holmes-Lee is fit to burst wiv the buggers...Amy said it's like livin wiv an alkaholic...not bottles under the boards but bleedin candles...between you n me she is gettin help for it...the camel that broke the straws back was wen Amy went out in the Volvo n the enjin management lite came on...sheed only stuffed the engine bit wiv the latest 'Peeony n Poppy Powder' candles...438 of the buggers...well on This Mornin they were doin a test to see if yer can tell cheap sossiges from the lips n arseholes sossiges...I thort I'd tweet n ask if Ruth could tell the diffrence between the Joan Malone 'Juniper n Clematis' or the Pound Paradise Cheese n Onion one...well bugger me I was just defrostin a prawn ring with me hairdryer for lunch an like one of them subliminal messiges he says me name he even make me shop Pound Paradise sound secksy 'Poynd Poradoise'...here it is...live on the air...

well I nearly popped a love egg into me prawn ring...me fone went mental...me twitter was Twunted n me Facebook pokes went thru the roof...she was laffin n all that but if yer look closely i can read her mind...she waz ragin...i goes off to work an folk were clockin me name badge an that were it...me supervisor Fat Sue wiv the smart car nearly choked on her piri piri pastie with anger...I woz moved onto Feminin Hi Jean in the end as a punishment...that was that so I thort...next day there i am gettin ready to go to werk puttin me athleets foot spray on with This Mornin in the background an lown behowld...i'm lookin at Kate Thorntons dress thinkin is that Labia Lilac or Menopausal Mauve an I heard it again that dusky Oirish voice...me fanny nearly bit me leg off! here it is again

Bless the lovely Kate...she then announces to the werld she follows me on Twitter too...it all went mental then...korse I goes off to werk an i cant get near me till...even feminin Hi Jean was mobbed...the Cheese n Onion sentid candles were off the shelves too...an online purchase to a RL in Surrey werever that is I woz sent home early...so i'm now bein asked to do a centre spred in Have A Rest Magazine...an I've got Cliff Maxford ringin me phone off the hook to sell the story...as if...wat goes on in Casa Holmes-Lee stays there...well that was the highlite of me week...I alreddy av a lovely relayshonship with This Mornin coz me Coleen Nolan, Bret and Jonny av a bit of banter in the mornins that folk seem to like...i think Jonny has a bit of a hotspot for me...so duz Bret but heez just shy......heres some more news...not arf as ecksitin as that

Only other bit of ecksitement is nosey nayborhood watch man bangin on me back door the other nite...i was tryin to find me bra n only ad me tites on...so i didnt open it for him...well talk abowt persistent...he must hav ad 5 goes as me back door before I gave in...he near had a brown hemmoridge wen he saw me...but I did feel sorry for him...he had brort me wat he called a cabbidge from his Lotment...i took it n said thanks but wen I got it in i didn't know wether to cook it or pop it up me hoop...look at it...it's like one of me gays butt plugs...well i've waffled on enuff...Cliff Maxford is on me blower agen...I'll av to go...before I do can i wish a lovely man god speed on his journees in his caravan...heez gon up in the werld...i new him wen he was just one level caravan...now he's got a loft extenshon...Cownsiller Chris Blakeley an lady Blakeley hav a lovely time at Presthaven sands Talaker...tell Welsh Wayne in the bingo hall yer now me...he'll shake his balls up for yer...here's the newly renovated Caravan of Luuuuurve...laterz...

~Beverly Macca CBA~

 

Jewbillee n on the Juice...

What a few days i've ad...i now just how her laydeeship the Lady dame Queen Lizzybeth feels...I'm egzorsted...just abowt got the enerjee to type this diary update for yerz...Well...it all started on Friday when I had to do the Birkenhead Olympic Flame run...it woz a grate onor to be asked...they did ask the woman from the Birkenhead Market advert whooz hand point to the Welks in the fish market but she turned it down due to water retenshon...i'm a slave to that curse but it didn't stop me sayin no...i waz picked up by the Yaris layed on for me by the komittee an taken to the start of the root... I went from the derilickt house on Corpie Rd...along past the DSS i lit sum tabs for the family members outside with their Staffies...thru Birkenhead market...set fire to the skip on Borough Rd an finished off in Birkenhead Park...

I nearly popped a love egg wen i saw who thay had layed on to greet me with the flame...it was the bewtifully sucksessful Dame Lady Princess Esther of the Mcvey...she of the Towers of Parliment in Londin...and she had a rather cute couple of bouncers wiv her...one was Boppin Blakeley...known for his Macarayna at counsil do's...slipped me his card...we shared a conversayshon about keepin yer bush trimmed...heez into Hornyculture...Esther was charmin as per...i've always looked up to her coz we are very similar in our careers as power women...I ad to fite to get me Timmy Shoos back off her tho...i was swettin a bit in me fur but it woz worth it...it waz a huge sucksess and I was taken to dinner by the Mayor to Sheila's Meals on Cleveland Street...

Got caught on kamra with the other lovely bouncer handy Andy as heez known to the local gerls...he woz garjus...I offered to show him a real woman but he just froze...he asked if he could touch me trophy...i was just hoistin me skirt up before I realised he meant me Pound Paradise award...ded embarrassin...but Esther covered it up well for me...wat a great day...

Like her Maj i too woz in grate demand this weekend...I was ded kindly invited to Cha Bar to advertise their Jewbillee afternoon tea...wat a lovely place too...the ambulance was ded frendly thanks to Team Julie...thay even had a bottle of chilled Lambrini in for me with me cream tea...that waz a huge sucksess too...so if yer ever on the Wirral an fancy a cuppa or summit stronger get along...you'll be made ded welcome...i waz pestered a bit by the crowds...agen I blame Katherine Jenkins...they were all starin...I know why...they were thinkin it was me...wen she woz singin at the openin of the Ascot races me fone and Facebook went mad...'is that you...didn't know you could sing'....i ad to turn it off in the end...Even Sky newsis Charlotte Hawkins tweeted me to say about the similarity....spooky...then came Sunday...

Jubilee day Sunday...me n Jewbillee Jim hit the road...i kept wiv the nortikal theem an had me lifejacket i nicked as a suveneer on an Air 2Bob flite years ago...had a fab day...me n me gays gatecrashed a few parties...peeple were ded kind an full of jewbillee spirit...so waz i by the end of the nite...i mustve started to walk home...bad move coz its all cuntree lanes that'll lern me coz I woke up as the sun was comin up an was face to face with Babe...

Had a panic too coz i cudnt find me Timmy Shoos...turns out I'd left them at the gays...thank the baby yazu...then came to yesterday...a crackin day...karnt beleev its still goin on...lovin the time off and the booze...I wondered if we get a payment for this Jewbillee thing...yer now like a cold weather payment...I'll check me bank tmoz...went to a ded posh party too that had a pool too...dont remember much about it coz i was a poco Twunted by then...but me Timmy Shoos were soakin today so I mustve ad a dip at some point...so...that's been my last few days... 

Right...got a Jewbillee prawn ring defrosting...must dash...but before I do I'll tell yerz a little sekrit...at the posh party with the pool was a very speshall guest...I nearly popped a pile...it was her Majistee...she was up on a sekrit tour...we ad a ball...she said she cud really let her hair down as the old man was layed up...sadly she had to head off back to Londin to go to church an do some wavin today...she just text me this picture on her '1Phone'....can I ask you all to raise a glass now...stand up and wish this amazing laydee a happy Jewbillee...she is 'Liz the Biz'....laterz...

                                         God save our Queen...from Beverly Macca...

feelin hot hot hot...

Well yer can always tell summers arrived at Casa Macca coz the tites come off from under me leggins...but last week it wasn't just the tites that came off...it woz the leggins too...save me a fortune in Fabreeze for me tites...went out for a late lunch wiv me gays an we ended up a poco Twunted...ad a ball tho...talkin of Casa Macca me aunty Doreen wiv diabetes brort me this back from Benidorm...

Isn't it classy...i'm the only one on our road that's got one...I think nosey nayborhood watch man will be green wen he sees it!...better than the present she brort me last year...it was a belt with BENIDORM round it...but the bit between the buckle was ENID...so every soft arse customer would say 'hello Enid' I'd be like... 'shit off me names Bev'....then I realised why thay was callin me Enid...talkin of customers and werk...ad a ball with Fat Sue wiv the smart car off...we moved me promoshons stand onto the pavement an I was pushin me Vaj Butter for the hot weather...all the fellas were lovin it...all drivin past teasin me shoutin POUND....one of me customers said it was HOUND but sheez deff an daft...here's me promoshon stand...

Well I had a likkle mishap wiv me favrit Crocks...they are Pound Paradises top sellers...made in Bay Jing so top kwalitee...well i fell asleep in the sun on the green next thing i wake up an me Crocks hav gone...well i thort theyd gone...no...the buggers had melted...gay Gary reckons it woz a rug rat from a family that were sat near us an kept tuttin...if anyone nows how to reshape Crocks then messige me...

 Satdee nite was Eurovision nite...which meant me gays went mad an pushed the boat out...big style...no Iceland shite...Asda finest...I got lost tho...used me Thai Sat Nav Tan Tan...ended up stuck in the sand had to get me RNLI boys to get me off!...it woz worth it in the end coz it was a crackin nite...even had a slebrity there...the woman who points at the Welks in Birkenhead market...she was up her own arse a bit...refused autographs...I was escorted off at the end of the evening on a man hunt...i got walked home by milkman Bobby Goldtops son whooz a bouncer at the rice bar...then it all went blank...ended up wakin on top of Reg Davies, loving husband, father and grandfather...me Timmy Shoos were stuck firm too an snail trails up me leggins...hay ho...just another satdee nite hey!...

Well I'll leave yer wiv news of me Slebrity stalker...the lovely an garjus Eamonn 'Hoi Arr Yoi' Holmes...he's bin tweetin me like a bugger...hope Ruth don't see it...all started the other day when I had a intimayte dream about him...woke up and there he was on me box smilin back wiv me best bra rapped round his chops...it was a sine I think...so I'll leave you with this pickture and my ode to the lovely Eamonn Holmes...Laterz...

  An Ode to Eamonn Holmes

Eamonn oh Eamonn I watch you from afar,
You on me box, and me at the bar.
Your cute wee smile, charm and wit,
With all the ladies you are a hit.

From early days on morning telly,
When you shared a sofa with Lozza Kelly.
Never change your style we love the Holmes way,
For many a viewer you make their day.

Sat on Sky with Charlotte Naz n Jacks,
All the girls cringing at the jokes he cracks.
Everyone can see the great team you make,
You even match the girls with their fake bake.

With your lovely wife and TV partner Ruth,
You are Mr and Mrs TV couth.
With Sunrise, This Morning and Loose Women,
In wads of dosh you must be swimmin.

Family life takes place in Surrey
Busy days always in a hurry.
But come the evening with hatches down,
Feet up with a beer football sorrows you drown.

Poor old Ruth not a football fan,
Puts up with it all to please her man.
She rewards herself for not having a moan,
With hundreds of candles from Jo Malone.

Alas my ditty is coming to an end,
To you Ruth and family my love I do send.
If you fancy a night with a Pound shop shelf stacker,
Give me a call, the name’s Beverly Macca.

In the mood for dancin...

Just a kwick shout out for the Nolans who have reformed to represent Russia...wishing them all the luck on Satdee in the Yourovision song contest...

 

Summertime...an the thingy is easy...

Well well well...the sun haz got its hat on...cud this be summer...i'm sufferin alreddy...fownd an old bottle of Ambrare So Lare...mustv bin out of date...burnt me self to buggery...dunno why but i let Gay Gary pick the skin off me back...he loves doin that...i'm red rore now...but lovin the wether i woz sat outside the lifeboat stayshon last cuple of days flashin me baps to the boyz whov saved my bacon on more than one okayshon...i'm off today so i thort i'd giv yerz a kwick update wiv me life...werk is ok at the mo...Fat Sue wiv the smart car is layin off me coz i put in a greeveeanse...it's fab coz i can Twill (Tweet on me till) all shift an she carnt say a werd...I'm pushin the Vaj Butter at the mo...got a new campayn on me Far La comin up...I'll keep yerz posted...

As yer now me looky likey has bin dancin in Amerika...this had led to me bein playged by peeple shoutin Kath every were I go...its a curse i hav to live with...i do get a bit fed up coz sheed need to drop a bit of wayt before she cud pull off bein me...the kompetishon has finished now so hopefully i can get back to normal...even Ross King Tweeted me sayin he struggles to call her Kath in intervews...it comes out as Bev...easy mistake to make...

Time to sort out me summer wardrobe...thats wat the posh do innit...i just stop wearin tites under me leggins...means i have to use more Fabreeze tho...but me gays always say i keep the flys off the buffay...watever that means...must be one of them Youfenizms for summit norty!...talkin of bein norty me n stutterin Stu got it together at the weekend...made the mistake of askin him to talk dirty to me...big mistake...he waz still tryin to get it out come sunday mornin...

 Little plug before i go...me fitness DVD is still sellin well...drivin to werk in me Cunto (Corsa/Punto) the other day i nearly dropped me fone, pastie an can of coke...me produkshon company hav put posters up near work...carnt beleev it...talkin of me Cunto...i said i'd do a likkle advert for Mike and the Mechanic...he's got a Labia for sale (Lada/Skoda Fabia)...the Lada had one careful laydee owner...not sure about the histree on the Skoda...messige me if yer want more info...i'm also sellin me ASBOS too...the goverment is gettin rid so I think thay will be collecters items...i woz gonna take them onto Cash in yer Attick but I carnt stick that wonky jawed nob who presents it...I'll stick em on Ebay...rite...must dash...catch yerz later... xx

 

me NDE...near deth expeeriense...

Well well well...i'll start with the weekend this time an go backwards...i'm shakin as i type...look at the piktchur...looks ded trankwill...that waz were I had me NDE - Near Deth Expeeriense...i shall begin as the posh say...had a grate day satdee...bit hungover from me gays comin round friday nite to teach me to nit...i gave up...interfeered wiv me Lambrini...kept droppin stitches...little nana nap then it was time to partaaaay...it was a Star Wars theemed nite at the Rice bar...I cudn't be arsed doin much so I clipped a few powches of Golden Virginia to me blowse n said I was 'Chewbacco'...well we met up wiv a bunch of Cockernees who were selebraytin coz there woz a footy match there team had won...i was treated like a real prinsess...didnt pay for a drink all nite...thay were sayin how much like Katherine Jenkins i look...it's a curse...then it all went blank...next thing i'm flat on me back (no change) kids screamin like banshees an i'm dragged from the boatin lake...me nancy an laydee garden on show for all to see...one of the bleedin kids shouted to his mum 'We've found Shamoo'...i'd bin abandoned by the cockernees...seconds from death...i woz usin me Lambrini bottle as a float apparentlee...anyways...i'm here to tell the tale...thanks to the Inshore lifeboat crew too...

 Well hoowd hav thort it...Beverly Macca goin for cownsiller in the local leckshons...i waz sick of the usual ones promisin allsorts an doin nothing...so i sat down an rote me manewfestow...took me a good twenty minits...I had the support n guidence of the lovely Laydee Esther Mcvey who is me inspirayshon...an sheez promised to let me go to the Tower of Parliment wiv her... plus Dame Flowella of the Benjamin has been made a sort of MP too...an all she ever did was sing P L A Why...anyway I agress as the posh say...here's me manewfestow (orijinal copy) 


VOTE BEVERLY MACCA (CBA) MP - MACCA PARTY MANEWFESTOW

dont waste yer vote tmrw in the local elekshons...vote Beverly Macca MP (Macca Party) my fulll manewfestow is on me logsite...here are a few of my points -

*free leggins for larger laydees
*no tax on pasties
*secksy male parkin attendents at supermarkets for women
*Lambrini/Onken yogert/chikin nuggets on preskripshon
*reeduced workin hours for poundshop workers
*late starts on a mondee mornin
*24hr happy hour
*no tax on Bargain Booze products

VOTE BEVERLY MACCA (CBA) - MP - THE MACCA PARTY WERKIN FOR YOU! (IF I'M NOT OFF SICK)... 

I then had to add a bit to cover me gays an get the pink vote as thay say, so here is the suppliment for me gay voters - 

**URGENT MANEWFESTOW UPDATE FOR ME GAYS**

*FREE QUITCH BAKIN TINS
*MUSICAL BOX SETS ON PRESKRIPSHON
*FREE SUBSCRIPSHON TO HOME & GARDEN

ATTN LEZBICAN FRENDS...AS ABOVE...
USE QUITCHE TRAYS FOR YER CATS LITTER
BOX SET IS TENKO AND CELL BLOCK H
MAGAZINE IS CAT MONTHLY

Things was goin ded well as yer can see from the pastie chart...but i woz chattin to the other candidaytes at the poll booth an thay told me the hours...i just cudnt put the time in...it wud be unfair on me constitewents so just like me preferred contrasepshon method I withdrew quick...but i'd like to thank all those who supported an voted for me...

Back in full swing on promoshons this week...my Vaj Butter isn't sellin as well as thay thort...so I've really got to push it...so if you are readin this and suffer dry cracked lips...come on in an sample me Vaj Butter...it's buy one get one free week...Fat Sue wiv the smart car rang today to see if I'd go in on overtime...told her to Skank off...lazyish bank holiday today to selebrayte Lady Mays day..dunno who she is but i'm gessin sheez relayted to Saint Jorge or Saint David...i looze track of all the days off these peeple give us an who thay are...mite push for a Maccaday bank holiday...yer havin that??? Laterz... xx 

**You deeside...can you spot the difference** 

Off now for a Bank Holiday bath...

  

50.000 smackers...or hits...

OMG! whood've thort it...sat in me box room on me old lap top writin about me ded borin life eatin a prawn ring pot noodle n avin a glass of me fave Lambrini...just 1 follower on Twitter 2 frends on Facebook an no Logsite to web onto...jump forward to now an sweet baby yazu i'm gobsmacked... over 50,000 smacks or hits on me secret diary...loads of frends/Bevettes on Facebook and nearly 1400 followers on Twitter...not to menshon me own Logsite for yerz to Web onto...I just wanna say a massive thanks for all yer followins frendships n support...i'll say it agen I'm ded soz me life is so borin n uneventful...i'm all mod cons now wiv a new lap top...here's me old one...

  

i'm even Androyd now too...had a crackin day in werk on Saturday...Fat Sue wiv the smart car was off so it waz a good laff...i woz doin the instore muzik so it was Black Lace all the way wiv a bit of Russ Abbott to add to the mix...mite do a bit of DJayin on me days off...it woz the lornch of another Pound Paradise product the Booze Bag...they were gon in an hour...i bort most of them for me gays...its made satdee nites much cheaper...talkin of satdee...they were kewin out the door for the new Booze Bag...plus thay new I woz back on promoshons...I still get them askin to sniff me Far La...months after it was launched...here's the Booze Bag...

 

Spent Satdee afternoon  watchin Glee on Sky plus wiv me gays an fillin up our Booze Bags...then it woz time to partaaaay! I woz taken up the Wong-Un for a change...that's two Chineeze take aways in our villige now...now those who now me will now I suffer from a very rare illness called 'Canklelimpitis' i think i'm the only nown case...I get swollen ankles an a limp when i'm on me munthlees...well the curse is here an I cudn't get into me Timmy Shoos...I went to see old Winnie Wong-Wei from the other takeaway an she showed me how to bind me feet so i managed to get me Timmys on....look its amayzin...

I remember up to a sertain point...doin the bump...Oops upside yer hed...an conga to Rene n Renata's save your love for me...then it woz a blur...i woke up on a memorial bench wiv a lovely man in uniform lookin down on me...I fell in love wiv Mike Over...I've searched everywhere on FB Twitter for him...my nite in shinin armur...he drove me home...i think i woz gettin on his nerves coz i kept askin wat his name was...then his workee torkee would go and heed shout MIKE OVER...I'll keep lookin for him...he left a doctor hoo sock at my place...it's like Sinderella in reverse...i'll leave yerz wiv this pic of me gettin into Mike's car...laterz...an thanks again... XXXX

 

**BREAKING NEWS**

How ecksitin is this...just got an email from Pound Paradise hed offise while doin me blog tellin me of a new product you are ferst to know...i rekon these are gonna be a big hig...lets face it who duzn't suffer PCRS after a curry? Post Curry Ring Sting...so come on down and try my Ring Of Fire wet wipes...

who is saynt jorge...

This is a messige to all me haters...its an important messige too coz i get it all the time...its a kurse i have to live with an its not easy...some say i get me looks from me berth mum Vanessa Feltz...but as the poster says...don't hate me...

Well had a lezurlee week in werk last week...managed a few hours...still not a 100% but i'm gettin there...slowly...an fat sue with the smart car aint happy...but she cant tutch me coz i'm under the DDA...she is still not happy coz we are allowed to hav our mobile fones with us on the till...as i keep sayin its me sivil rite...peeple power an the union rule...Saturday nite was a goodun...it was to selebrayte Saint George...i was so ecksited coz i thort the tribewt was gonna be there...not a sign of him...an thay only played one song Careless Whisper of saint Georges all nite...I nearly didnt get in...its a new bowncer on the door an he didnt now me...so he said...but it waznt long before he had us waved thru an into the VIP area...just one werd.... Zzzzip!...he woz ded polite an sed thank you, turned out he woz Bobby Goldtop the milmans son...we went Tai insted of Chineeeze...it was lovely...but I had a mishap...i had a tai curry...went to the loo an scratched me nancy...mustve ad a bit of chilli on me acrylics...me Nancy was on fire...i had to pour a bottle of evian down me drawers...wat a waste...

as the song goes...'i had the time of me life'...thursday nite...it was Glee nite...i unplug me fone...blow up me Darren Criss an bop away...baby yazu me fanny woz bitin me leg off...all me fave choons n garjus men...i got a bit carried away...I stood on Darren with me Timmy Shoo...next thing i now i'm chasin him round me lounge hissin like a rattle snayke...gutted...i've taped him up for now...roll on next thursday...i just now Darren will love me...as Saint Mikeal of the Buble sang 'He just hasn't met me yet'...

Well another sunny day another few sherries up at the wonderful Gusto Heswall...i woz avin a Audree Roberts day.....or woz it Audree Hepbern...well she woz ded glam i remember seein her with a scarf on all the time...i sat on the terris an as usual the lovely team at Gusto tret me like a laydee...thay said i always add a tutch of glamur to the playce...i woz presented with a bunch of flowers from the lovely Laura Jane...i woz tooted by passers by on busses n bikes...agen its me natchural bewty...i made there days by wavin back...giv giv giv...I also met a lovely layde called Liah...she woz tryin to flog me some Cupcakes...didnt take much sellin...thay were bleedin garjus...you should av a look on her Facebook page 'Custom Cupcakes'...better than them Crusty Cream donuts...anywayz..must dash...gotta av a foot spar coz i've sprayed me feet with me hair lacker instead of me Athleets foot spray...feel like i've got a club foot...I'll leave yerz with a cuple more pics from Gusto Heswall...the place to be seen...fabulous food, ambulance and staff...laterz...

                                  Top - Liah from Custom Cupcakes. Bottom is Laura Jane Gusto
  

just a normal ish week...

Well woz back to werk wiv a bang...as i sed im on a fazed return coz of me Canklelimpitis...doin an hour a day at Pound Paradise...as i sed by the time i faff wiv me uniform an av a natter i'm only in for about 30 minits...fat Sue wiv the smart car is ragin i can tell...i was bizzy this weekend in me garden...well i say garden it's a window box but it duznt arf take it out of me...i broke a nail too so i went sick for Monday...alot of yerz are askin me about Saturday nite...well i had a bit of a kwiet one...opened a few 5 liter boxes of me finest an went on me daytin site...the rest is a blur...woke up on the sunday mornin an i felt like Doris Day...i was tucked up under me Peppa Pig doovay...Tites intactus an me clothes were fowlded nicely...went to have a shower an heard a noise downstairs...well i turned into Sugar Ray an had to restle this out me living room...bleedin hoof marks on me laminayted floor...

I didnt ask any kwestions...nosey nayborhood watch was out washin his Mondayo...nearly swallowed his shammy when he saw me pushin Shergar and Fred West out me house...as i sed it was all a blur thank the baby yazu...then came Monday...

i made the painful and diffikult deesizion to not go into werk with me broken nail an feelin of knackerdness...so i booked meself into Sharm El Sharon's salon Tu Tan Cum In...she was advertisin her all new all singin an dancin fish peddycure...wat a load of ald shite...got there an she said 'sorry my new ekwipment has bin delayed'...next thing i've got me foot dippin into a bleedin babys potty full of a few skanky goldfish...it was crap...luckily i took me own booze...all was kwiet till last nite...I got a email from hed offis to say Pound Stretcher had annownced thay are openin in Doobi...thay went on to say they are moniterin it an may follow...as seenior promoshons person wud i consider goin over...i nearly shat a love egg...too rite i wud...but then i rememberd things like yer carnt eat bacon buttys an drink...an yer hav to cover yerself up...but i had one of them Ooobyas were yer cover yerself up...here i am in it...so that was me uneventful week to now...i'll leave yer wiv the vision of me in me Ooobya...laterz... 

 

Jesus bunny an choklit...

Hiya...hope yerz all ok an had a great eester...my Jesus Rabbit dumped a great load in my back room...i'm still werkin me way thru it...mind you most of it is that Taiwanese choklit we got in Pound Paradise Yuk-Shi-Tee...not bad if yer eat it wiv crem de menth...didn't make it into werk much last week...me canklelimpitis was playin up...I'm on a fazed return to work...doin 1 hour a day for a few weeks...it's a struggle but i'll do it...Satdee nite was fab...me n me gays had bin on the lash since 2 in the afternoon...we spent the rest of the day injektin cadbrees cream eggs wiv Bailees lick your...big mistayke...i remember havin me tea an gettin to the rice bar...even remember doin the konga to Russ Abbots what an atmosfere...but next thing I new I woke up in a bedsit in Sthellins...next to me was a bloke covered in choklit harf naked harf bunny rabbit...i made me exkewsis and got outta there...he asked if I fancied a stick of choklit rock for brekfast!...luckilee I got a lift from one of me Eddy Stowbart mates...didnt want payin...just asked to lick the choklit off me back...carnt hav bin that nice coz me back is peelin a bit from sunburn last week...

Well anuther product hits Pound Paradise an i'm seeniur promoshons so i get to flog it...introdewsin Loo-Pee...its Korean wine...i got harf Twunted on it this mornin...had to leave me Cunto (Corsa/Punto) at werk...harf the OAP's had to be carried out via Saint Jons Ambalance coz thay were tryin the samples...I just filled me mug...its OK but I had to drink it wiv a haribo to take the edge off...but for a pound who cares...cud be me new tipple...rite...carnt stop...but before i go take a look at this...

 Well sumthin i woz tryin to keep kwiet broke yesterday...i woz approwched by Have A Rest magazine to talk about me yoyo wayt an diets...plus me fitness dvd...i did it an the foto shoot...i wont lie an say there waznt a likkle bit of airbrushin...but talk abowt day shar voo...remember Tricia Penrose in my dress at the pound paradise awards...well within minits of this goin live on Facebook an Twitter look wat also came out...

Look closely at the bottom of the cover...Ms Penrose flashin her bits...sheez a long way to go yet till she gets to my size mind...but her people are doin summit to sabby targe me dontcha think...get me 'Dontcha'...I'm like a Pussycat Doll...rite...must dash...need to do a wash an me Loo-Pee needs a refil...laterz...