When Irish thighs are smiling....

It all started on the 05.26 Virgin Pedallo to Youston, London. I was stood outside the train while Donna from the Dingle was lettin me know she was in charge an not openin the doors until SHE wanted to, me nips were out like ship rivets I was that cold. You could tell she wanted to be an air hostess by the way she was carryin the black plastic bin liner through the cabin. It was obvious the only 747 she would ever work on is the Liverpool to Youston TRAIN, not PLANE! Skank. Little did Donna know that I had once served Rusty Lee in the premium cabin of a British Airways 'Dreamliner' unlike her serving Bob from Birkenhead carrying a 'Binliner'....

Wasn't long before Donna from the Dingle felt the wrath of the Bevlar! I had her little fat legs run ragged. After all I was in the premium cabin, so she was workin for me! Biatch. I was cheered up when Wayne from Widnes brought me a decent bit of sossige with me hot breakfast, he winked at me as he put it down, it got me moist. I slipped him one of me bizness cards. Still waiting for a call. I was off for a meeting at the ITV towers, I needed some bewty sleep before enterin Youston. 

Before I knew it I was home, home at the ITV towers. I had overdosed on Virgin tea so needed to head to the laydees room. This is where I got the shock of me life. Whilst the top of the towers are paved in gold, just a few floors down it was a different story. The lavs were Younisex, all the rage apparentlee these days. O M G. Not a bit of armitage shanks in sight, it was like bein at me local take away, the Wong Wei. I had to hover over a hole in the ground, look. 

I was tryin to concentrate and take aim but was distracted by the smell of Paco Rabanne and the sound of someone hummin Daniel O'Donnell songs in the next cubicle. Once I'd finished I was out and dryin me hands when I heard those immortal words 'Hi Orrrr Yiew' The hairs on me back stood on end.....it wasn't was it............was it really the Irish Enrikee Inglazias? The man I'd spent sleepless nights tweeting to? The man who'd exchanged late night pictures of his surgical stockings from his hospital bed.....I turned slowly, I was dripping......the hand dryer had stopped suddenly....there he was, like the man from Del Monte in his labia lilac suit....I was transfixed...then he spoke those immortal words..... 'Hoi orr yiew moy little pint of guinness. Have yoi got any bog roll, there's shoit all in that karzy'.... I didn't have any tissue, but I did have a spare pair of knickers in me handbag. He wiped his brow and was gone like a flash....it was over, or so I thought....

I was in shock...I took a wrong turning, bumped into a camp queen with a clip board screamin into a handset 'I found it, it's in leopard print'....looked at me and said 'classless and on benefits, this way. You're on in 5' as he pushed me through some double doors....there he was again... Eamonn was there before me, Mrs Holmes as always was in tow....she caught my eye with her one good eye....it was a venomous look....was I arsed? I was in the same room as Saint Eamonn of the Holmes, I was gonna milk this....Nobody could have predicted what was to happen next....I avoided queenie with the clip board and hid, I waited for my moment, as Martine McKutchington sang, 'My perfect moment' and it couldn't have gone better.

And cut.....was the final words I heard before all hell broke loose....Rook eyed Ruth had spotted it....what looked like a rather snazzy handkerchief in Eamy's pocked was in fact my intimate wear and she was just about to find out....the crew may have called cut, but the cameras were still rolling. Here it is, caught in full tecknyculor glory....Action.

I was out of that place quicker than wink....I was headin over to Richmond to 'Turner Webster Towers'....

To be continued....

Bev X 

On Air

Well we are now 3 episodes into 5 of Crafty Beggars In The House TV show. Wendy Turner Webster and Julie Peasgood took the gamble and put Bev On The Box! 

We had a hoot filming and the girls learned some top tips, and they weren't all about crafting! Coming soon will be better quality video of me 'Alternative Crafty Tips' in the meanwhile here's tips 2 and 3...4 and 5 to follow! Enjoy! 

Tip 3

Following on from Tip 3 here's Tip 4

And finally, here's Tip 5

You can watch Crafty Beggars In The House on Sky 539 Virgin 269 Freeview 63 Freesat 651 Tuesday evenings at 8pm, repeated through the week. Also available on iPlayer too. Details of Crafty Beggars on their website - http://www.craftybeggars.tv/

Love Bev

XXXX

Bezza and Jezza

Well I tumbled outta bed and stumbled to the shower, only cold water coz I had no lecky power, stretchin, yawnin drank some 5Alive....It was a normal Satdee morning, had to do me community service as per usual. Me destination was Neo Community Cafe, an amazing group of people headed up by Ema and Jen. They take food that would have been dumped and give it to those who need it most. I've put a link to their website below. So I turns up and there's Ema and Jen organisin everyone, quick pic with the girls and Adam.

I was given me apron and told to slice some baps, it was like preparin for a Northern funeral, 50 baps, you slice I'll scrape....I was workin with Gill, she used to be a stripper at the Tranmere Tramps n Vamps club. I was listenin to her story of gettin a ping pong ball stuck after an attack of cramp during her act, I was fascinated. Then I overhead somethin from in me good ear....all of a sudden Gill's stuck ping pong ball became bornin.....I heard them immortal words 'Jeremy is 2 minutes away' All my life I'd dreamt of meetin the man I grew up with....the mother Theresa of daytime telly....I pretended I was still listenin about  her ping pong ball, but no I was makin plans. Here's me Gill n Jamie.

So Jeremy is on his way! All I could think was DNA tests, lie detector tests and a free night in a hotel before the show. I was tryin hard to show some enthusiasm spreadin them baps but I couldn't concentrate. Then I heard them immortal words....'Jeremy is here' Everyone was rushin round like blue arsed flies, I just applied some of me 'labia lillac' lippy and waited for our paths to cross....next minute he's brought in and given a pair of medical gloves and told to make pizza with the kids. Only turns out he was on community service too! I was shocked, my childhood hero wasn't the clean cut guy he appears. Here he is makin pizza with some of the other inmates here!

I was shocked how he'd aged, I'd seen him on my box so many times but he seemed grey and had grown a beard. I knew it was him though when he asked one of the children 'do you know who your real dad is?' Never off duty Jeremy, that's why we love him. Next minute his pizza was fed through me hatch, here's Jeremy's pizza someone shouted. I stared at it, this had been made by the hands of the 'Duke of Drama TV' and I had it in my grasp....I couldn't help but touch it....with me lips! A moment I shall remember for ever, I gently kissed his cheesy creation before poppin it in the oven....

Then before I knew it I was summoned before the man himself....'get me the wench who cooked my pizza' the master had spoken, next minute I was thrust before him. 'You smell divine' he said, 'that's me Far Lar' I replied, blushing like a young girl meeting One Direction....quick photo and I was whisked away back to the dishes....quicker than you could say DNA....well that photo is now me screensaver....me and Jeremy Kyle 2gether 4eva....

Well that's it, just another quiet day in the life of Beverly Macca the Pound Shop Shelf Stacker! Here's the final photo call with the whole team at Neo Community Cafe. For more details on the wonderful work they do visit this website - http://www.neocommunitycafe.org.uk/

Love Bev

XXXX

Lights....Camera....Action

Well it's finally on air! Tuesday 6th September saw the first episode of series 3 of Crafty Beggars In The House with Wendy Turner Webster and Julie Peasgood. Your truly was unleashed onto the viewing public with me alternative crafty tips! Due to predictive text viewing figures went through the roof due to thousands on Twitter reading that I was showing off my alternative crafty 'Tits' Apologies for any disappointment caused, that show can be found on the adult channel.

Tip 1 was what to do if you can't find your cheese grater when you're about to serve up tea to yer guests. Simples, you dig out yer ped egg or peddi file for hard skin. Perfect and effective solution. I have been informed that some friends won't be attending any of me pasta nights since seeing that episdode. Always thinking! Tip 2 which airs on Tuesday 13th September at 8pm is called 'Lazy Loafers' Again, top tip for the single person who's entertaining guests. 

Well if you want to know when and where you can watch 'Crafty Beggars In The House' all listed below. 

Every Tuesday evening at 8pm for the next 4 weeks sees the new episodes. Then there are repeats through the week of that week's episode.

http://www.craftybeggars.tv/content/

A huge thanks to both Julie and Wendy for giving me this opportunity. Two very talented and VERY funny ladies I'm pleased to now call friends. Coming soon - 'Crafty Beggars At Christmas'

XX

Thanks for watching

Bev

XXXX

On Air

Well it's offishal, I'm goin live on the box! The TX dates are set (TX is telly talk for the day n time its on) and I can reveal that the premiere of Series 3 Crafty Beggars In The House airs on Tuesday 6th September at 8pm! If yer look above yer can see the channels and dates of the other shows! Also some news to share, I've been asked to go back and film 3 Christmas specials with the girls! Got some top tips up me sleeve and will be goin head to head with Kirsty Allsop! Her home made Christmas costs a bloody fortchoon!

Hope you enjoy the show!

Bev

XXXX

Pipped By The Paps

Well this makes a change, normally in the Crimewatch Monthly! News of me Crafty Tips TIPS has hit the press. Big thanks to everyone who's supported me espeshally Wendy and Julie for giving me the opporchoonity to hopefully bring a smile to your lovely faces. Not just the Echo tho....look who else picked it up.... Only The Wirral Globe!

I'll keep you posted when it's going to air....Take care, loves ya.

Bev XX

Bev On The Box....

If you choon in to the Wirral Radio Breakfast show, you'll know I do Bev On The Box, telling you about what's coming up on Telly. This entree in me diary is about something else....

Well it all started on a sunny Satdee mornin onboard the 6.45am Virgin Pedallo. Kicked off me Timmy Shoos and popped me cankles up awaiting me full Inglish breakfast as I was in the Premium Cabin.... Not a sausage....no, or bacon or eggs! Lovely Scottish woman came thru with the trolley, couldn't understand a word she said, sumthink about deep fried and bagpipes I think. Anyways she held up what looked like a muffin, and I pointed to the pot with the tea in it. Well me tea was luke warm and as for the suspect muffin....I nearly choked. It was like eatin Loft Insulayshun. Apparentlee it's called a Pan Oh Tony, well Tony needs to have a word with Dame Mary Of The Berry! Worst of all was it's forrin food, as we'd just left the EYou I thought it a bit insensitive of Virgin to serve ! Here it is - 

The object of travellin down to London was to do some filming with the lovely Julie Peasgood and Wendy Turner Webster. They have a production company called 'Good Turn Productions' and have a show called 'Crafty Beggars In The House' The laydees had been followin me and liked some of me craft tips, especially me Christmas ones, 'Bev's Home Made Christmas'. I was on root to Richmond, a ded ded posh part of London. I arrived in Richmond and after nearly chokin on the loft insulayshun I felt I needed to eat somthing proper. I found a lovely likkle place who were advertising breakfast. The cocknee laydee who took me order was lovely, couldn't understand a word she said so I got her to write it down. Then came a lovely breakfast, orringe juice - the face on her when I asked if she served Sunny Delight... You'd have thunk I'd asked her to shit on the table. Even the tea was diffrent, no bags just leaves. Me driver was on root to pick me up so I asked for the bill..... Sweet baby yazu....bearin in mind I can get a full inglish, tea, sunny delight and the read of a paper for £2 at Sheila's Meals in Birkenhead. The bill.................. £239.50 I near shit! Apparently I'd paid extra for the napkin and brown sauce. Here's the offendin breakfast - 

After the shock of the most expensive breakfast in the werld I stepped outside and another shock....my fashion had hit Richmond! Looked like me long lost mum - 

Didn't take long for me breakfast to pass through, it's me irritible bowel....I had to look for a toilet, nipped into Richmond station thinkin they'll be a nice clean carzee. Clean....clean....not only was it clean they even have readin material and refreshments in there....can of lager and a copy of Men Only greeted me in the disabled kewbikle. Had to nip in there coz me case was too big. Talk about the North/South Divide, best you get up here is an old copy of Metro, and that's to wipe yer arse with! 

Before I knew it me driver had arrived...the lovely Patrick. He whisked me off to Hizelworth and the home of Wendy Turner Webster who had a set for the show and filming. I pressed the doorbell and the Minder theme choon started playing....(her husband was in Minder)....then I'm taken on set to meet the girls....they looked lovely....caked in make up for the kamras and if anyone tells you TV puts 10 pounds on yer weight it's rubbish! They looked as big in the flesh as they do on screen! I bought the girls some choklit to break the ice with and went to offer them a Flake each....they were snatched out me hands quicker than wink....how was I to know Wendy's sister Anthea had an allergy to them and she wouldn't have them in the house. I went up to the green room, I say green room, it was more cream room. I was getting changed when all of a sudden I heard duff, duff duff duff duff.... Gary had entered the bedroom (he's now in Eastenders) 'Alright Treakle' he said....asked me if I fancied a jellied eel.... I ran and locked meself in the bathroom.... when I came out he'd gone....he was quite cute...then it was time for me close up as they say in Sunset Boulevard... I'm ushered to the set and put next to the girls....they looked a bit intimidayted, after all I'm only a cheeky size 4/6 women often are....as soon as I sat down I heard the director shout 'we need a wide angle' I had to agree with him but didn't want to upset Julie or Wendy. Trevor his name was, he couldn't take his eyes off me rack....and I'm not talking ribs! Here we are ready for our filming - 

And here's 'One Take Trevor' zoomin in on me rack! Such a gentlemen he was too!

Well before I knew it all five episodes were in the can as they say in the telly world. It was time to say goodbye and head back to Youston for the Virgin Pedallo home. I can't tell you what me tips were coz they're a sekrit, I think you will like them....especially the one involving jam! I was made so welcome and everyone was so friendly, even after the choklit incident! Patrick ushered me back to the station in his Mondayo, he'd left the heated seat on....me arse was on fire but I didn't want to sound ungrateful an ask him to turn it off.... I think he wanted me out of me leggins but Julie was geggin in in the back.... On the train back to Youston we stopped at a station that brought back some memrees.... Not that I'd bin there but I remember one of me exes saying this is what I do to men in the bedroom - 

It was a lovely ride home...had a box of Lambrini for the journey home....wasn't that hungry. The steward on the train offered me a finger, I was about to say 'Tits First, I'm not a slag' when he popped the packet on me table....I blushed.....

perfect end to a perfect day...it wasn't for this couple....they were on a weekend upgrade to First Klass....He pushed the boat out and grabbed a couple of carling black labels, she had a straw in a bottle of Crem De Menth.... she was Twatted by Tring....

I'll keep you posted on when the show is going out. Hope yerz can choon in.

Love 

Bev

XXXX

Poundshop Princess

Well the ordishuns are under way for the next X Factor. I feel it's time for me to Take me Poundshop Princess to Mr Cowell...So watch this space. If you haven't got your copy of me single on HiTunes then here's the link to get it - 

https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/poundshop-princess-single/id919449908

Why not sing along, here's the lyrics -

In the park feeding the birds I spoke my very first words.

For my age they were profound, please pay here love that's a pound.

Coz I'm the pound shop princess, I do leggins not a dresss, ask me the

Question when I'm around you know the answer is it's a pound.

When first at school with other kids I'd auction toys and take their bids.

The sale room was my playground, the winning bid would be a pound.

Coz I'm the pound shop princess, I do leggins not a dress, ask me the

Question when I'm around you know the answer is it's a pound.

I matured quite quick through teenage years, I loved the schoolboy leers.

For them a feel was paradise found, I'd only charge them just a pound.

Coz I'm the pound shop princess, I do leggins not a dress, ask me the

Question when I'm around you know the answer is it's a pound.

In a pound shop, in a pound shop, in a pound shop.

Do you know what I can't stand working in a pound shop? People coming 

up to you and asking 'how much is is?' The clue is in the name, It's a pound shop

and I am the poundshop princess. 

Love Bev. X 

Beverly Macca Meets...

Well if yerv never heard any of me 'Sleb' interviews, now you can. They are all in the one place now.

Bev meets - Eamonn Holmes, Ruth Langsford, Denise Welch, Lorraine Kelly, Fern Britton, Kate Thornton, Wendi Peters and many more....just clicky here:

https://audioboom.com/users/135716/boos

Enjoy

Love Bev!

XXXX 

With One Look...

As the wonderful and great Dame Norma Of The Desmond Once Sang 

'I'll be back where I was born to be'

That was on the London to Youston for another adventure and important meeting. It all started on the Sunday afternoon Pedallo from Liverpool Lime Street. I had to get away for a couple of days as the court case over me and his holiness the Lord Mayor was about to start. Painful memories of a rough ride in the Princesses Pretty Box with his holiness rippin at me Christmas leggins.... 

Anyway, I agress as the posh people say...On a lighter note I boarded the train...had a little dream seekwence that Olly Murs comes runnin down the platform askin for me to get off and marry him....instead it was a platform attendant wavin an empty bottle of lambrini at me I'd left in the lounge...Yes, I was in the premium cabin....I was soon into another bottle, I was offered a light snack....I declined, I just managed a finger on the 17.47.....all was good until Stafford when what turned out to be an asian, male Adele tribute act got on and sat opposite me...I'm guessing he was an Adele tribute as all I got for the next hour was 'Hello, can you hear me' as he kept losing his signal. 

As always I had to take me head gay down with me, he does some translayshon for me as the cockernees can't always understand me. Got to Youston and that's where everyone suddenly appears miserable an in a rush.... I sat on the tube and wanted to dance through the train singing Pharrell William's Happy.... Look at the gobs on them all..... 

I had to be up early the next morning coz the lovely Lorraine Kelly had said to pop by and say hello. Had a good night's kip at the Waterloo Travelodge....I checked me bed and shower to make sure Lenny Henry was hiding... You never know...I've seen the commercials...glad to say he wasn't.

So me alarm went off at cock o clock...fabreezed me tites and leggins and off we went. I was like Norma Desmond as she arrives back in the movie studio as I looked up at the ITV sign and building....I was back where I was born to be...... The signs were there.....

I was ushered by security to round the back of Lorraine's gaff, I was tryin her back door but it was locked tight. Head gay went around the front while I was bangin hell out of her window....I'm sure I saw her hiding behind the sofa, probably owes council tax...her windows were filthy... 

I was stopped by the floor manager who was havin none of it, next minute I'm outside Coleen Nolan's dressing room, I knew it was her coz I could smell the bensons and she was whistling I'm in the mood for dancing... AGAIN. Then bold as brass head gay comes out of the studio all smiles and with a picture of him and Lorraine! I was fewmin! 

Then to top it all he's only been chattin to Ruth Langsford! Apparently he asked her if she'd have a picture with me but she refused on the grounds that she's not happy about my on line flirting with her hubby! He wishes.... Here they are... 

He did manage to get us front row seats for Loose Women, or Baggy Birds depending on who is on the panel that day! We went to the theatre that night to see Billy Elliott....crackin show... sweet baby yazu....I was second row and could I see the older Billy's Nutcracker in the second half....you wouldn't want that on yer lip as a wart I'm tellin yer!

Next day was the important meeting. Edible Erron the garjus man behind the workings of GMB had invited me to sit in the gallery. It's like the star ship enterprise, blows me away every time. He's garjus too! I could imagine him counting me down in the bedroom! Here's his tool - 

Well a trip to ITV wouldn't be the same without popping up to see Mr and Mrs Daytime. Holly and Phil. Always made welcome there thanks to the lovely Izzy and Tim. Look who gegged in on the photo.... 

Had a quick pick at Phil Vickery's meat and headed off to So Ho. Meeting was with the lovely peeps at Keith Bishop Associates. I was interviewed by what were like Charlie's Angels, or more like Keith's Kittens! We had a good old laugh, and happy to say I'll be working with them. So exciting times ahead. Check out their website for more details.

http://www.kbapr.com/

Hope you've had a great Easter. I'm off to force Percy Pig down me mouth!

Love and Kisses

Bev

XXXX