Welcome Baby Leave Windsor...

 Well weev wayted ages for the arrival but at last we have a new Royal Baby.....Baby Leave Windsor.....sounds a bit odd but yer now how with it the new breed of royals are....I got a shock wen it flashed up on the telly at work the picture of Duchess and Baby Leave.....it'll grow on me I gess.....I reckon she had it easy.....i'm gonn av one of them berthin pools if I ever have a baby Macca.....I'm gonna get a Peppa Pig one.....Can't stop coz I'm up to me eyes in it at werk.....I'm on Feminin Hi Jean again......If I hear one more person moan that it's not well sign posted I'll scream.....I swear I'm gonna put a pickchur up of a big 20 foot fanny to show where Feminin Hi Jean is......Before I sign off from this Speshal Royal Entry in me diary please spare a moment for HRH the Queen of Ingland Elizabeth Duke Windsor.....rumour has it sheez bin up all night wiv baby Leave....Will has been helpin Kate get comfy on a blow up ring.....apparentlee she needed a cuple of stitches an her hoop is on fire.......Catch yerz later....here she is....please be standing for

Her Majistee the Kween of Ingland

Laterz

 Bev

XXXX

Zip Me Up Before You Go Go...

Thort yerz mite all like to av a read of the lyrics to me soon to be released single

'Zip Me Up Before You Go Go'

I bet yerz can't listen to the song ever agen wivout hearing these lyrics.

Enjoy!

 

JITTERBUG

 JITTERBUG

I’ll be your groom groom you tasty tart.
You send my soul sky high with your fanny farts.
Jitterbug into my brain,
I’m gonna bang bang bang you till you go insane.
But somethings buggin me, something ain’t right
My best friend told me that you were quite tight.
Left me sleeping in my bed,
Was I dreaming or did you really give me head.

Zip me up before you go go,
Don’t leave it hangin down like a yoyo.
Zip me up before you go go,
I won’t miss and jizz in your eye.
Zip me up before you go go,
I don’t like jackin off doin solo.
Zip me up before you go go,
Make your fanny feel tight.
Make your fanny feel tiiiiiiiiight!

You feed on prawn rings most of the day,
You’re so camp as a man you would be a gay.
In Aldi car park I made you lame,
You were so dry my meat’s never been the same.
Cause you’re no lady, you make me drool,
Makes me crazy you prick tease it’s cruel.
Come on Bevlar make it tight
Your pelvic floor makes everything feel so right.

Zip me up before you go go,
Don’t leave it hangin down like a yoyo.
Zip me up before you go go,
I won’t miss and jizz in your eye.
Zip me up before you go go,
I don’t like jackin off doin solo.
Zip me up before you go go,
Make your fanny feel tight.
Make your fanny feel tiiiiiiiiight!

(C) 2013 Beverly Macca

Satdee nite telly...

Morrrrnin...right...I'm avin me own poynts of view....WTF is goin on wiv Satdee nite telly..... 'Your Face Sounds Like My Arse Looks Like Stars In Their Eyes'.....All I can say is roll on X Factor!!! Forget Judges houses.....my favrit bit is 'Sob Stories' things like ' 'My sister is a pregnant teenage dwarf wiv a tumour on her bunyon'.....and this classic -

Rant over....just a ikkle quicky diary entree...I'm off to werk now for a quick shift...this hot wether has given me that illness sleep apneea....I karnt keep me eyes open on me till....have a great time in the sunshine....remember yer facktor fifty too....laterz.... Bev xxxx

**STOP PRESS**

Another Evening With Bev Coming In Oct

'Prawn Ring N Bling'

All Proceeds to Katy Holmes Trust

Summertime and the Bevlar is easy....

Before I begin can I wish Nelson Mandela a ded happy birthday....great to hear he is doin well in hospikal too....I hope he carries on doin well.....the nicest thing is to see how his ex wife Winnie Mandela has been by his bedside.....there is still a real closeness with them two....after all them years how cudnt there be....imagine all them years wakin up to Winnie's smilin face every day....

Get me bein all topikal in the news stories....some say I cant follow the plot of Peppa Pig....well yerz rong there.....stayin wiv the news I'm glad to see that nasty man Abra Kadabra sent back to be tried....I don't do anything to do with nastiness or horriblness....so good riddanse I say....they even rote a song about him didnt they....i'm too young to remember but youz mite...it goes...

 

Can you beleev that cheeky mare Beeyonsay had a go at one of her fans at a gig coz they were fillumin her....at the price she charges I'd expect alot more....if she'd ad a go at me I'd av said - '
'Keep shakin yer fat arse n singin. I've paid a fortchoon 2 c u Jabba'..........she shud get back to Jenny Craig....

Well we've had Pippa Tips now we have Fern Tips....me lovely laydee Fernus Brittunus has been offerin tips on makin mint jelly....she also came up wiv a grate way of strainin stuff....thru yer tites....hope she duznt turn all Kirsty Allslop on me an go posh an make decorayshons that cost a bleedin arm n a leg......Here's Ferns Tip - 

Well the heat is on.........talkin tites I'm poppin mine in the freezer a la Pippa Tip 638 - 'Pop your tites in the freezer overnight to ensure a cool hoop.....remember freezers are very cold' Right....That's me done for now....I feel like Loosy Meekock readin the news....catch yerz all very soon.....I'll leave yerz wiv a pic of me n me boyz at an Evening With Bev Bikini N Brini....

And here's Casa Macca too Hope you can come soon...another evenin with in October....be there...

Oh....one more thing...forget Pippa Tips..... Bev tip - never let yer man leave the house like this....he'll look a right Twunt...................................Laterz....Luv yerz..... xxxx

100.000 and Charity...

One of the best things to have come from me sekrit diary is to have met and become part of Team Katy Holmes...for those who don't know That beautiful sleeping angel fell asleep at the age of 10 after a short but brave battle with a brain tumour...Katy's mum contacted me after she found herself starting to smile again after such a sad loss...I was then asked to join the team as Ambassador Of Laughter, a role I love! Paula, Dave, Charley and baby Scarlett are an amazing family. That is why they have attracted such a wonderful and dedicated team - you all know who you are. You can help too by visiting and sharing the website - every penny also helps go towards much needed research into this underfunded but prominent illness. Here's hoping the next 100.000 will mean lots more followers of The Katy Holmes Trust -

www.katyholmestrust.co.uk

www.justgiving.com/beverlymacca

Another charity I am proud to support is Tomorrow's Women Wirral - an inspiring group of women led by the wonderful Ange and Karen who have helped turn peoples lives around through their hard work and dedication...this shows if you ever visit their wonderful sanctuary that offers security, comfort and support to all who visit. Please take a moment to visit their website and see for yourself. You can also help by donating time, money or other essentials...I hope with their blessing I can continue to be part of their wonderful team....

http://www.tomorrowswomenwirral.co.uk/

So there you have it...I may have achieved 100.000 but it's not all about being funny...it's about being able to help others in one way or another. Look out for and after eachother.

Bev

XXXX

100.000!!! WOW!!!

As the famus song from Love Story goes....'Where do I begin?'.....I gess at the beginnin...right at the beginnin....Once upon a time not so many years ago I woz konseeved in my estraynged muthers woom....she was quite a larger laydee then so it was a Woom with a view....look closely at one of the only piktchurs of me as a baybee.....you can see me perfectly formed hair even then....i got the scan pic by payin for a sekrit detektiv to probe medical records....My mummy Vanessa Feltz couldn't stand the stigma of bein a single muther.....she never married me dad coz he was a transvestite....they met in the same frock shop....the rest as thay say is histree....I woz found wrapped in leppard print paper on the steps of a Pound Shop in Golders Green Londin....the hospikal staff nicknamed me 'Fugly' I've never found out the reason why....Many folk hav often said yer only sayin yer Vanessa's dorter coz yer want her life....and thay say she's not me mum....but one day a few years ago i was just about to spread me minge.................(sorry, prediktiv text) Marge on me toast an there it was.....just like the sweet baby yazu appeared in a tea towl once there she was..................Mummy..........................

I've lerned to live with it now an try not to dwell on it....I've tried a few times to contact her but her boyfriend always ansers the fone and for sum reason always shouts down the fone in a singy voice

'Hey - what's wrong with you'

I've never quite got it.....I stopped ringin in the end an got on with me life.....i've ad a nice life....now i think it was to do with where I woz found.....on the step of a Pound shop.....but I woz destined to be the orijinal Pound Girl just like the Bond Girl in Bond moovies.....i remember me first toy shop i woz bort an it led to me first werds 'Pound Please'...............an unlike some folk I've lived the dream.....look at me now....hed of promoshons at the premier Pound shop Pound Paradise.

I love me job as yer all know....it's me supervizor Fat Sue with the Smart Car who makes me life hell at times....tryin to take away me human rights like no phones while servin....bollox to that I say....I'm very customer fokussed....I even use sign langwidge....this ladys bill was £2 - its not how it looked on CCTV that was shown on me disiplineree....just a personal tutch from me, I even put me Have A Rest magazeen down to serve her....wat more did she want? Take me headfones off?

 I've also dun sum korses over the years too...I remember wen I went for me interview for Pound Paradise I was sat before the bord of direkters and they asked me wat I waz bringin to Pound Paradise that might lead them to offer me the job... I said me TWAT.....

 Thay ajurned the interview at that point.........shame really coz I didn't get to show them me Commercial Understanding National Targets.....it woz OK tho coz I got the job...an that's where I am today.... Seenior Promoshons Pound Paradise.... with my Far La being top product to date....wiv men flockin for miles just to have a sniff....its me signature product...me Klunge is another story...

So thats werk....me personal life revolves around me n me Gays...thay are me life....we have a rooteen that will never change....it involves me prawn ring, Lambrini an the Rice Bar...weekends are when we come to life....okayshonally I get taken up the Wong Wei too...I love that too....

 Now thats me so far in a nutshell....I've had me fair share of Slebrity leeayzons too....here's just a couple....these are some famus folk who like to try on me Timmy Shoos - I can't afford the real Jimmy Choos....been a nitemare keepin tracks on them wiv these guys around.... 

Then theres me ring.....everyone wants Bev's ring on their finger...here's a few whov suckseeded..

 So....what now...well I'm gonna keep on livin me life as I do....an if I can put a smile on one persons face wiv my borin uneventful life then that makes it all worth while...I'm not just doin it on here now....you can come an see me at me gigs too...poster below of the latest one...before that tho can I just say a massive thank you to everyone who follows me on Twitter, Facebook and of course here me sekrit diary.....a speshall thank you too to those in the public eye who have kindly let me fotograf them...always appreeshiated....here's some of me videos too from You Choob....remember you can follow me on Twitter @beverlymacca1 or add me on Facebook - I'm not fussy unless you dare to be rude, racist or just unkind....so giz an add...right I'm off to open a box of Lambrini to selibrate 100.000 I'll raise a glass to yerz all....remember the Macca Mantra too live yer life by the 3 L's Leggins, Lycra an Lambrini........................................................

Lotsa Love to yerz all

Bev

XXXX   

Many more videos at

www.youtube.com/thebevlar1  

Cruisin For A Bruisin...

Sweet baby yazu....is there nobody in the Slebritee werld that haven't tried to nab me Timmy Shoos?? The latest bein Saint Jane of the cruise Mcdonald....I wouldn't mind but they're only copies of the orijinal Jimmy Choos!...I av to say she was charmin....her Charlie was a bit over powerin tho....I had to stand next to her....Saint Jane was visitin the Wirral doin a top sekrit show....it'll be available on the Babe Adult Channel very soon....I'll keep yer posted....it involves animals.....that's all I can say................but what is it about me Timmy Shoos? Also...take a look at those guys whove had my ring on their finger.....I've still got it....it never left me.......

Talkin of animals....dogs to be eggzact hav you got you pet micro chipped? I did a kampayn recently with Trendy Pooches in Hoylake to emfasize the importanse of doing it....I was chipped by the lovely Glynis....I no longer worry if I end up on the back of an Eddie Stowbart truck in sumwere like Litham Stanns coz I know I'll be sent back...Talkin of Trendy Pooches - anothe ecksitin time ahead....they are openin a new hydrotherapee pool soon an I'm gonna be their first client....watch this space....I'll keep yerz posted....visit their website here -

http://www.trendypooches.co.uk/

It wud appear Summer is here...the mornins are ded lite an them bleedin birds are wakin me up at Cock O Clock...am I goin mad or are they tweetin Chaz n Dave songs?? I got fed up the other day an lobbed me Timmy Shoo out the window....had to limp in to work tho coz I couldn't get the fucker back out the tree....

Is it just me or do any of you uther wimin out there suffer from static? I spark like a Primark sale rail I do....the other nite I'd just took me tites n bra off when 'Whoosh' me bra flew out me hand an up onto me Fow silk kurtains....stuck like a bugger it did....talkin of takin clothes off I'm on a diet again....I'm doin me Tighter Life an eatin slimmin soups.....I'm sorry thay are shite....yer'd be just as well to boil an old Croc with an unyon....it'd taste better.....I've dropped a few leggin sizes tho.....me lovely Twate (Twitter mate) Denise Welch is also doin a wee diet at the mo....she's lookin good an has dropped a few leggin sizes....mind you...she's got a weddin frock to get into.... Good luck Denzie....

Time for a wee rant....I dont hav the time or inklinayshon to do them games on Twitter...candy shite, Farmshite an any other ones.....I ask me peeple time n time agen to stop sendin me reekwests but still they keep comin....so again....here's a genkle an suttel messige from that well known form of communicayshon 'Alfabetti Sgetti'....

Right...only 2 weeks to go till another Evenin With Bev....the theem bein 'Bikini n Brini' it's gonna be a hoot....but we only have a couple of tickets left so be kwick....here's the freefone number again if you haven't already got yours..... 

0800 001 4699

Well that's me for now....I won't leave it so long next time....I've just bin rushed off me cankles....hope yer all well...thanks agen for all yer support....remember to look out for and after eachother...too many people ready to be nasty n horrid....life is too short for all that...if you are feelin down please please speak to someone...too many people ending their lives or trying to when opening up to someone might just be the answer....Big hugs.... 

Bev

XXXX

Happy 12th Birthday Katy Holmes...

Sunday 26th May 2013 was a normal day for most folk...the sun was shining and people were going about their business. Roast dinners on, BBQ's firing up and for many a day spending time with loved ones...For the family of a beautiful sleeping angel Katy Holmes that day was bittersweet...although it was a day spent with family and friends one special person was missing - Katy....that day would've been Katy's 12th birthday....but in usual Holmes style it wasn't a day to mourn it was a day to celebrate and that we all did.....I like many felt Katy's presence that day - especially with the sun shining...here's a few pictures from that wonderful day....as always Team Katy pulled out all the stops to make it a huge success!!!.....

It was fun and games with Husky rides from Katy's Husky Huddle and horse rides - even the local police got involved with a mass Harlem shake!...

I don't know how they did it but them poor huskies had a job when I was paraded around the park in the huskymobile...

That lovely moment when we all sang happy birthday to Katy and the balloons were released in Katy's favorite colour...

The lovely Holmes family here enjoying the Gangnam style dance...even lovely Scarlett had a go with the help of big sis Charley!

One of the things I love most of all is seeing the lovely, brave and inspirational Paula Holmes smiling...one of the most rewarding things being the Ambassador of Laughter on Team Katy....

On the whole a wonderful day...remember to support the Katy Holmes Trust...here are some links

www.katyholmestrust.co.uk

Also the lovely Adam Green sang Katy's song 'Innocent Hands' remember you can buy this on iTunes 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UT_yTAZ4F-g 

Reach for the Stars...

As the sayin goes....every good night should start with and end with a Withdrawal.....Iyaaaaaaaa! How are yerz all? I've ad a werlwind of a few weeks.....I've not ad time to get me cankles up once....long shifts at Pound Paradise and doin me thing for uthers too......well were do I start....sadly me night out to see George Micheal at the Red Door in West Kirby nearly ended in 'Tragedy' (more about Steps later) unlike the girl in the L'oreal advert I didn't stop traffik....I think he was mezmerized by me natual bewty.....here's the impact kort on CCTV!.... I'm waitin for a call back from that silly bitch off the advert who throws herself down the steps to get compo....

I agress as the posh folk say.....I dusted meself down an the management gave me a complementary bucket of Brandy for the shock........luckily I soon got over it after me 8th large one.....then in we goes.....well I could smell his ferramoans from his dressing room....George Micheal - aka Rob Lamberti (n Butler) heez dubble barrelled.....then out he came....he was 'Amazing' as the song goes.....well it wasn't long before he had me up on the stage an avin a 'Careless Whisper' with him.....

Heez deffo one for the laydees is our George (unlike the other George) he ad me bare arsed in seconds an before I knew it he'd performed his well known party trick - removin a thong with his teeth.....he was a brave man....I'd ad a Tandoori Pot Noodle for me tea.....he said my choice of Femminin Intimayte Wear was tasteful.....

Just like a Iceland prawn ring it was over before you knew it............a great nite....if yer ever see him comin to a venue near you you have to go.............before he left he did one more dedikayshon for me........... 'Zip Me Up Before You Go Go'.................................here's the link to his Logsite 

http://www.roblamberti.com/

Well....the paint had hardly dried on me knickers that George had signed wen I woz off to anuther bash.....the lovely Mark & Trish Simpkin had invited me n me Seenior Gay to their wedding vow renewal.....I was so tutched.....espeshally as Trish n me hadn't always seen eye to eye over me n her garjus husband....Mark Limpin Simpkin.....some of you may remember our likkle spat.....

Glad to say its all behind us now.....and leap forward to April the 13th 2013 and a pritty pub called the Windmill in Cheshire....that is where the fairytail number 2 began...6pm....I arrived early to get me prime spot by the bar.....then she arrived in her orijinal weddin dress....she looked bloody garjus.....the seremonee was lovely an ded lite harted....I wept wen I saw Mark commitin himself again.....as the song goes 'Shudve bin me'.....well it wasn't long before a few faces there were askin about my bewtiful ring..........it was the talk of the evenin......first one to take a shine was the lovely Gilly Taylforth.....she cudn't help but try it for size..... 

Bewtiful Bell of the ball an me garjus mate Trish looked bloody amazin with her Pie N Mash (Pia Michi) on.....she arrived in the most bewtiful weddin gown that she wore 10 years ago....not many could claim to do that.....we ad a good dance....Mr Simpkin waz givin me a wide berth coz I think heez still got the hots for me.....down below if yer get me drift.....here's Trish with me Seenior Gay!

Then just 5 6 7 8 minits later someone else came for a go on me ring..............only Clur from Steps...it was a 'tragedy' that Reece her lovely hubby didn't meet me first.........hay ho.....we ad a ball....espeshally when we woz dancing to Tragedy an Clur showin us the moves....I think my ring would've looked better on Reece!

Someone whooz ad a go on my ring a few times who I love more than Lambrini itself is Coleen Nolan....we ad a hoot too....I've always thought she wasn't the full euro but after she told me what they'd called their dogs it proved it............ 'Blind & Deaf' I didn't say owt......I just whispered that classic George Michael song to Ray 'Lets go outside'.............an we did............yet agen me seenior gay got in on the shot...........

I'd just got me ring polished and cleaned up before someone else came up behind me.....'drop me arrrrrrt princess....can I try your ring on my finger'.............how could I reesist...........it woz only Rylan......I could smell the Kuros before he tutched me............of course Seenior Gay had to get in the shot...............good job I'm a good frend............

That was my night at the Windmill with lovely friends....a big thank you to Mark & Trish for the invite it was a magical night.....I wish you both all the continued happiness for years to come........you are a very special couple and I am proud to call you friends....A big thank you too to Rebecca & Will who looked after me too............I'll leave you with this one of the lovely Bride n Groom doin wat thay do best...............  Entertainin us! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Before I go.........I must remind you of my latest gig at Gourmet Coffee, 21st June at 7.30pm only 50 tickets and half gone already so be quick........as summer is coming its Bikini N Brini theem....Take off yer tites and veet yer Vaj.....come and have fun and games with the Bevlar!

Here's the tickets.......get a free Offishal Bevette ristband too

Laterz my lovely peeps......XXXXXXXX