Belle Of The Ball. Dedicated to Denise Welch....

Well what can I say.. Dreams really do come true, and thank you to the lovely Denise Welch for makin this Poundshop Princesses dream come true. It all started 15 years ago when me invite for Denise's very first charity ball went missing in the post. Then every other year the same thing happened. I put it down to a dodgy postman who was gettin in under my name every year! Imagine that, a bloke in a frock gettin into the event as me! Anyways, it didn't stop me enjoyin meself out the back of each event. Den's dad Vin would feed me his cocktail sausage through a peep hole to keep me happy and I'd bring me own Lambrini. Here's me enjoyin one of the charity balls...

Then this year Denise didn't want to risk the post again so she used ye olde messenger and invited me. I nearly choked on me sweet n sour pork ball when it hit me inbox. It read 'Hey skanky knickers, wanna come to me ball? Hands off me dad and don't speak to the press' That's just Denise bein lovin towards me. I had to think about it for about 3 and a half seconds, then hit send with 'Yes please yer ald slapper' .... and then it was time to find the frock! I was just goin to put a crease in me leggins and fabreeze me tights, but apparently in Denise's darker days she used to drink Fabreeze with a Cillit Bang chaser. Didn't want her to relapse at the smell of my tights. So I opted for a ball gown. Huge thanks to Emma Siddorn who had shoplifted this bewty some time ago and couldn't slim into it. It even had the security tag on! I've got a machine to get that bugger off. Take a look....

Then came the night! Me Cunto (Corsa/Punto cut n shut) was playin up so I got a lift to the Premier Inn at Trafford in Manchester. I was shown up to the Lenny Henry sweet by a lovely receptionist, smelt of fresh hashish but very nice. I searched all over the room, I didn't want to wake up with Lenny in me bed or in me shower! 

I had a couple of friends there, the lovely SiKick Katie Keeley. She'd had a few by the time she got to my room. Tried to get the lotto numbers off her but it wasn't happenin after a magnum of Babysham! Lovely Carl was there too, she was too busy pluckin her eyebrows to get any sense out of. After a quick hose down in the 2cm X 2cm shower I was ready! And here I am in me finery! 

Didn't quite get a glass carriarge to the ball....Polish Pete in his Mondayo had to do. Then we arrived at Event City....It was like an A2Z of who's who out of Take A Break magazine! There was the celebrity couple from this mornin who stop yer bein frightened of all kinds of shite the 'Walkmans' the lovely Dr Pam Spurr, she wasn't well after a fall the week before, don't ask. There was the hand from XFactor that pushes contestants out for their auditions. And the piss of resistence had to be....the garjus Vin Welch! I've always had eyes for him, I like the older man you see, they're always more grateful and say thank you after intimasees! Here's me n him gettin akwayntid, I don't think it was his napkin I could feel through me Spanx either! #hesstillgotit We even had a slowy to Agadoo which was lovely....

The meal was lovely, soup to start then a bit of chickin followed by some posh puddin I couldn't pronounce....didn't touch the sides. Denise was givin me evils coz she's on Lighter Life and was chewin on an old flip flop and drinkin some shake or other....Lincoln is a dish, he's garjus. Couldn't take his eyes off me rack, and I'm not talkin ribs either! He's a fabulous artist yer know....I caught up with him in the ladies where he asked if he could draw me....I thought it was a youfenizm but before I knew it he knocked up this picture of me.....such detail to attenshun, he even got the flap off me Spanx in....

I got chattin to this one woman, she was garjus....if I was was from Lezbaysha I probably would've if yer get me drift....I think she was a bit Sykick too....I said hello, how are you....next minute I couldn't get a word in edgeways she said....  

'You're insecure,

Don't know what for,

You're turning heads when you walk through the door,

Don't need make-up, to cover up,

Being the way that you are is enough

Everyone else in the room can see it,

Everyone else but you'

 she was spot on....I thanked her and said, Anne, 'that's what makes you bewtiful'....never did find out who she was, but I did get a picture with her....In the words of Stevie Wonder....'Happy Birthday to y.....' Oops, wrong song... 'Isn't she lovely'....

Just as I was about to leave the do, I heard 'Katherine, Katherine....' I think that's what they said, it was in Mancunian so I did struggle a bit. It's a curse I live with being a Katherine Jenkins lookey likey....It's only Steve and Michelle....They asked me to sing a line from a popular stage show....I gave them a few bars of 'Bob The Builder' had a photo and buggered off....she hid her bump well I have to say!....

And that as they say is it...What a fantastic night! Here is an amazing video to give you a sneak preview of how the night went courtesy of Christian Braybrooke. Julie Arnold at Entertainment Today did a wonderful job, it was great to meet her too. Might have her to do my 30th birthday!....

https://vimeo.com/192913740

Denise Welch, thank you so much for inviting me and for making me feel so welcome. It was so lovely to meet you at last, and to meet Lincoln too. I felt very privileged to be there, especially being on top table. Your passion for the charity shines through and you should be proud. Big thanks to the lovely Vin too for photo's and the dance. 

Big hugs.

Bev XXXX 

Find out more about the GEM Appeal Charity here - http://www.gemappeal.org.uk/

Belle Of The Ball. Dedicated to Denise Welch....

Well what can I say.. Dreams really do come true, and thank you to the lovely Denise Welch for makin this Poundshop Princesses dream come true. It all started 15 years ago when me invite for Denise's very first charity ball went missing in the post. Then every other year the same thing happened. I put it down to a dodgy postman who was gettin in under my name every year! Imagine that, a bloke in a frock gettin into the event as me! Anyways, it didn't stop me enjoyin meself out the back of each event. Den's dad Vin would feed me his cocktail sausage through a peep hole to keep me happy and I'd bring me own Lambrini. Here's me enjoyin one of the charity balls...

Then this year Denise didn't want to risk the post again so she used ye olde messenger and invited me. I nearly choked on me sweet n sour pork ball when it hit me inbox. It read 'Hey skanky knickers, wanna come to me ball? Hands off me dad and don't speak to the press' That's just Denise bein lovin towards me. I had to think about it for about 3 and a half seconds, then hit send with 'Yes please yer ald slapper' .... and then it was time to find the frock! I was just goin to put a crease in me leggins and fabreeze me tights, but apparently in Denise's darker days she used to drink Fabreeze with a Cillit Bang chaser. Didn't want her to relapse at the smell of my tights. So I opted for a ball gown. Huge thanks to Emma Siddorn who had shoplifted this bewty some time ago and couldn't slim into it. It even had the security tag on! I've got a machine to get that bugger off. Take a look....

Then came the night! Me Cunto (Corsa/Punto cut n shut) was playin up so I got a lift to the Premier Inn at Trafford in Manchester. I was shown up to the Lenny Henry sweet by a lovely receptionist, smelt of fresh hashish but very nice. I searched all over the room, I didn't want to wake up with Lenny in me bed or in me shower! 

I had a couple of friends there, the lovely SiKick Katie Keeley. She'd had a few by the time she got to my room. Tried to get the lotto numbers off her but it wasn't happenin after a magnum of Babysham! Lovely Carl was there too, she was too busy pluckin her eyebrows to get any sense out of. After a quick hose down in the 2cm X 2cm shower I was ready! And here I am in me finery! 

Didn't quite get a glass carriarge to the ball....Polish Pete in his Mondayo had to do. Then we arrived at Event City....It was like an A2Z of who's who out of Take A Break magazine! There was the celebrity couple from this mornin who stop yer bein frightened of all kinds of shite the 'Walkmans' the lovely Dr Pam Spurr, she wasn't well after a fall the week before, don't ask. There was the hand from XFactor that pushes contestants out for their auditions. And the piss of resistence had to be....the garjus Vin Welch! I've always had eyes for him, I like the older man you see, they're always more grateful and say thank you after intimasees! Here's me n him gettin akwayntid, I don't think it was his napkin I could feel through me Spanx either! #hesstillgotit We even had a slowy to Agadoo which was lovely....

The meal was lovely, soup to start then a bit of chickin followed by some posh puddin I couldn't pronounce....didn't touch the sides. Denise was givin me evils coz she's on Lighter Life and was chewin on an old flip flop and drinkin some shake or other....Lincoln is a dish, he's garjus. Couldn't take his eyes off me rack, and I'm not talkin ribs either! He's a fabulous artist yer know....I caught up with him in the ladies where he asked if he could draw me....I thought it was a youfenizm but before I knew it he knocked up this picture of me.....such detail to attenshun, he even got the flap off me Spanx in....

I got chattin to this one woman, she was garjus....if I was was from Lezbaysha I probably would've if yer get me drift....I think she was a bit Sykick too....I said hello, how are you....next minute I couldn't get a word in edgeways she said....  

'You're insecure,

Don't know what for,

You're turning heads when you walk through the door,

Don't need make-up, to cover up,

Being the way that you are is enough

Everyone else in the room can see it,

Everyone else but you'

 she was spot on....I thanked her and said, Anne, 'that's what makes you bewtiful'....never did find out who she was, but I did get a picture with her....In the words of Stevie Wonder....'Happy Birthday to y.....' Oops, wrong song... 'Isn't she lovely'....

Just as I was about to leave the do, I heard 'Katherine, Katherine....' I think that's what they said, it was in Mancunian so I did struggle a bit. It's a curse I live with being a Katherine Jenkins lookey likey....It's only Steve and Michelle....They asked me to sing a line from a popular stage show....I gave them a few bars of 'Bob The Builder' had a photo and buggered off....she hid her bump well I have to say!....

And that as they say is it...What a fantastic night! Here is an amazing video to give you a sneak preview of how the night went courtesy of Christian Braybrooke. Julie Arnold at Entertainment Today did a wonderful job, it was great to meet her too. Might have her to do my 30th birthday!....

https://vimeo.com/192913740

Denise Welch, thank you so much for inviting me and for making me feel so welcome. It was so lovely to meet you at last, and to meet Lincoln too. I felt very privileged to be there, especially being on top table. Your passion for the charity shines through and you should be proud. Big thanks to the lovely Vin too for photo's and the dance. 

Big hugs.

Bev XXXX 

Find out more about the GEM Appeal Charity here - http://www.gemappeal.org.uk/

Crafty Bugger To Chatty Mare

Well I now know how Kim LardASSian feels. I've been pipped by the paps again, the story is out. Yes, I'm in talks with the lovely Gary Webster and his garjus wife Wendy Turner Webster to bring you 'A Night On The Aisles'. Back to Londin on 18th November for production meeting for pilot and stayin in the 'Minder' suite. Read the full story here - http://www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/news/crafty-chatty-beverly-macca-12109921

A fun week too at the wireless. If you never 'Aird' of Stephanie Aird then you must go and take a look at her videos. I was awake at cock o clock one morning and discovered one of her videos. With the power of soshial media I managed to contact her to have her on me Satdee show. Had a great time, even though she was late. Me koleegs did a wind up and said I was a 'Diva' and I was furious they were late. She got me back when she pretended the video had finished, I ended up showin me jowels to the whole internet. Here's the unedited version. Enjoy. 

She's a thirsty mare, 9 bottles of Lambrini later she got arsy over who's bottle it was. She's from Hartlepool, only to be expected I guess. It's Ian I feel sorry for her, her fella. Can't get a word in edgeways. He couldn't take his eyes off me rack, and I'm not talkin ribs!

Right, I'm still in me bed at 4pm on a Sundee. Ah well, the sweet baby yazu says it's a day of rest. Got to get up and air me Charlie soon. I'm gettin the look!

Laterz. Bev XX 

Pee Ess....If you haven't seen any of me Crafty Beggars Tips on Telly then here they are. X 

Tip 2

Tip 3

Tip 4

Tip 5

************************

I could be so good for you....

It's beginnin to look a lot like Christmas! Well it was down in London last week. I was invited back for more community service to film three Christmas specials of 'Crafty Beggars In The House' with the lovely Wendy Turner Webster & Julie Peasgood. 

After all the excitement at ITV and the #Knickergate scandal it was nice to enter suburbia. I was in Richmond, home of the famous park with deer. Unlike Birkenhead Park home of 'Fear'....I'd taken a call from Wendy to say she'd meet me at Richmond station. I asked what car to look out for, she said 'don't worry you'll hear me coming' something I'd heard before via rumours but that was them confirmed I guess #noisysex - who am I to judge. Well she wasn't wrong, I'd only been there 5 minutes when I heard an almighty bang, surely ISIS haven't hit Richmond! Nope it was the car backfiring as it entered the car park. It was like an episode of 'Stars In Their Eyes' 'Tonight Matthew I'm gonna be Wendy Turner Webster' as she appeared from within the smoke. Times were hard since the end of Pet Rescue, she was drivin what she called a 'Clitaurus' a cut n shut Gary got done for her, a Renault Clio/Ford Taurus. Off we went to Turner Webster Towers. Good job I had me headscarf and dark glasses on.....I had a reputation to think off, road rage wasn't the word. She takes no prisoners does Wendy on the road. As we pulled into the gated entrance (gated to keep the riff raff in me thinks) Wendy says 'ring the bell, Gary's in' I'd forgotten about the bell. I gave it a sharp press....

https://www.audioboom.com/boos/5167468-turner-webster-towers-doorbell?t=0

Gary answered the door in a pair of fluffy mules and a pink flowered house coat. 'Dhaaaaaaling, in the words of Cilla step inside love'..... I looked at Wendy. 'Don't ask, he's doin a play about someone called Backdoor Billy or something, it's for his part' I thought yeah, what evs Wendy. A far cry from the tough guy I remember in Minder. I was shown up to me bedroom, it was lovely. I recognised the curtains from a Travelodge, apparently Gary's last job put him up there. 'Make yourself at home said Wendy, I'll put the kettle on'. I was searchin for some coat hangers. Fuck my old boots, I opened the wardrobe and this is what faced me..... 

About 3500 boxes of flake bars....I tried to shut the wardrobe quickly but Gary appeared again....he said 'don't ask'....and left the room singing 'I could be so good for you....'

Next stop was the set for the Christmas shows, Julie was already there. She greeted me like a long lost.....viewer. 'Hello, welcome back. Have you ever considered a cruise?' Wendy gave her a slap, she was in Cruise TV mode. Wendy said 'She's off her tits at the mo due to how busy she is' It was great to see them both. Here's the set all ready for filming.

It was an early start the next day, I was fightin with me false eyelashes which were doin me head in. Finally got them on....felt odd being dressed as mother Christmas in October, then I thought of Gary the night before. Suddenly it didn't seem so odd. Great to see Wonderful Wayne as he's known. He can turn his hand to anything, knows how to treat his wood too! He started to talk about his power tool to me which got me excited, but when he moved on to butterfly joints I was trying to self harm with some hot mullered wine. Got a nice pic of him though....he looks thrilled....Mrs Dooer wasn't so happy! She was busy makin a teapot out of a bit of 2 be 2 MDF. 

Some lovely people coming and going all day, someone makin handbags out of incontinence pants, I made a Christmas wreath out of a Prawn Ring. One lovely laydee made a Christmas table display from her late husbands artificial leg. Such talent. During the break me an the girls got on to the subject we love most...........men....we had a discussion about how size really does matter, Julie being quite animated in this pic!

Then before you knew it, it was a wrap.... I had to rush to the station to catch the Virgin Pedallo back to Liverpool. I'd drunk that much Mullered wine I didn't know if I was in New Cross, New Delhi or New Jersey! Perfect end to a perfect weekend. I'll let you know when the Christmas specials are going to be aired. In the meantime remember to follow @craftybeggarsTV @juliePeasgood @turnerwebster 

See youz Soon

Bev

XX 

When Irish thighs are smiling....

It all started on the 05.26 Virgin Pedallo to Youston, London. I was stood outside the train while Donna from the Dingle was lettin me know she was in charge an not openin the doors until SHE wanted to, me nips were out like ship rivets I was that cold. You could tell she wanted to be an air hostess by the way she was carryin the black plastic bin liner through the cabin. It was obvious the only 747 she would ever work on is the Liverpool to Youston TRAIN, not PLANE! Skank. Little did Donna know that I had once served Rusty Lee in the premium cabin of a British Airways 'Dreamliner' unlike her serving Bob from Birkenhead carrying a 'Binliner'....

Wasn't long before Donna from the Dingle felt the wrath of the Bevlar! I had her little fat legs run ragged. After all I was in the premium cabin, so she was workin for me! Biatch. I was cheered up when Wayne from Widnes brought me a decent bit of sossige with me hot breakfast, he winked at me as he put it down, it got me moist. I slipped him one of me bizness cards. Still waiting for a call. I was off for a meeting at the ITV towers, I needed some bewty sleep before enterin Youston. 

Before I knew it I was home, home at the ITV towers. I had overdosed on Virgin tea so needed to head to the laydees room. This is where I got the shock of me life. Whilst the top of the towers are paved in gold, just a few floors down it was a different story. The lavs were Younisex, all the rage apparentlee these days. O M G. Not a bit of armitage shanks in sight, it was like bein at me local take away, the Wong Wei. I had to hover over a hole in the ground, look. 

I was tryin to concentrate and take aim but was distracted by the smell of Paco Rabanne and the sound of someone hummin Daniel O'Donnell songs in the next cubicle. Once I'd finished I was out and dryin me hands when I heard those immortal words 'Hi Orrrr Yiew' The hairs on me back stood on end.....it wasn't was it............was it really the Irish Enrikee Inglazias? The man I'd spent sleepless nights tweeting to? The man who'd exchanged late night pictures of his surgical stockings from his hospital bed.....I turned slowly, I was dripping......the hand dryer had stopped suddenly....there he was, like the man from Del Monte in his labia lilac suit....I was transfixed...then he spoke those immortal words..... 'Hoi orr yiew moy little pint of guinness. Have yoi got any bog roll, there's shoit all in that karzy'.... I didn't have any tissue, but I did have a spare pair of knickers in me handbag. He wiped his brow and was gone like a flash....it was over, or so I thought....

I was in shock...I took a wrong turning, bumped into a camp queen with a clip board screamin into a handset 'I found it, it's in leopard print'....looked at me and said 'classless and on benefits, this way. You're on in 5' as he pushed me through some double doors....there he was again... Eamonn was there before me, Mrs Holmes as always was in tow....she caught my eye with her one good eye....it was a venomous look....was I arsed? I was in the same room as Saint Eamonn of the Holmes, I was gonna milk this....Nobody could have predicted what was to happen next....I avoided queenie with the clip board and hid, I waited for my moment, as Martine McKutchington sang, 'My perfect moment' and it couldn't have gone better.

And cut.....was the final words I heard before all hell broke loose....Rook eyed Ruth had spotted it....what looked like a rather snazzy handkerchief in Eamy's pocked was in fact my intimate wear and she was just about to find out....the crew may have called cut, but the cameras were still rolling. Here it is, caught in full tecknyculor glory....Action.

I was out of that place quicker than wink....I was headin over to Richmond to 'Turner Webster Towers'....

To be continued....

Bev X 

On Air

Well we are now 3 episodes into 5 of Crafty Beggars In The House TV show. Wendy Turner Webster and Julie Peasgood took the gamble and put Bev On The Box! 

We had a hoot filming and the girls learned some top tips, and they weren't all about crafting! Coming soon will be better quality video of me 'Alternative Crafty Tips' in the meanwhile here's tips 2 and 3...4 and 5 to follow! Enjoy! 

Tip 3

Following on from Tip 3 here's Tip 4

And finally, here's Tip 5

You can watch Crafty Beggars In The House on Sky 539 Virgin 269 Freeview 63 Freesat 651 Tuesday evenings at 8pm, repeated through the week. Also available on iPlayer too. Details of Crafty Beggars on their website - http://www.craftybeggars.tv/

Love Bev

XXXX

Bezza and Jezza

Well I tumbled outta bed and stumbled to the shower, only cold water coz I had no lecky power, stretchin, yawnin drank some 5Alive....It was a normal Satdee morning, had to do me community service as per usual. Me destination was Neo Community Cafe, an amazing group of people headed up by Ema and Jen. They take food that would have been dumped and give it to those who need it most. I've put a link to their website below. So I turns up and there's Ema and Jen organisin everyone, quick pic with the girls and Adam.

I was given me apron and told to slice some baps, it was like preparin for a Northern funeral, 50 baps, you slice I'll scrape....I was workin with Gill, she used to be a stripper at the Tranmere Tramps n Vamps club. I was listenin to her story of gettin a ping pong ball stuck after an attack of cramp during her act, I was fascinated. Then I overhead somethin from in me good ear....all of a sudden Gill's stuck ping pong ball became bornin.....I heard them immortal words 'Jeremy is 2 minutes away' All my life I'd dreamt of meetin the man I grew up with....the mother Theresa of daytime telly....I pretended I was still listenin about  her ping pong ball, but no I was makin plans. Here's me Gill n Jamie.

So Jeremy is on his way! All I could think was DNA tests, lie detector tests and a free night in a hotel before the show. I was tryin hard to show some enthusiasm spreadin them baps but I couldn't concentrate. Then I heard them immortal words....'Jeremy is here' Everyone was rushin round like blue arsed flies, I just applied some of me 'labia lillac' lippy and waited for our paths to cross....next minute he's brought in and given a pair of medical gloves and told to make pizza with the kids. Only turns out he was on community service too! I was shocked, my childhood hero wasn't the clean cut guy he appears. Here he is makin pizza with some of the other inmates here!

I was shocked how he'd aged, I'd seen him on my box so many times but he seemed grey and had grown a beard. I knew it was him though when he asked one of the children 'do you know who your real dad is?' Never off duty Jeremy, that's why we love him. Next minute his pizza was fed through me hatch, here's Jeremy's pizza someone shouted. I stared at it, this had been made by the hands of the 'Duke of Drama TV' and I had it in my grasp....I couldn't help but touch it....with me lips! A moment I shall remember for ever, I gently kissed his cheesy creation before poppin it in the oven....

Then before I knew it I was summoned before the man himself....'get me the wench who cooked my pizza' the master had spoken, next minute I was thrust before him. 'You smell divine' he said, 'that's me Far Lar' I replied, blushing like a young girl meeting One Direction....quick photo and I was whisked away back to the dishes....quicker than you could say DNA....well that photo is now me screensaver....me and Jeremy Kyle 2gether 4eva....

Well that's it, just another quiet day in the life of Beverly Macca the Pound Shop Shelf Stacker! Here's the final photo call with the whole team at Neo Community Cafe. For more details on the wonderful work they do visit this website - http://www.neocommunitycafe.org.uk/

Love Bev

XXXX

Lights....Camera....Action

Well it's finally on air! Tuesday 6th September saw the first episode of series 3 of Crafty Beggars In The House with Wendy Turner Webster and Julie Peasgood. Your truly was unleashed onto the viewing public with me alternative crafty tips! Due to predictive text viewing figures went through the roof due to thousands on Twitter reading that I was showing off my alternative crafty 'Tits' Apologies for any disappointment caused, that show can be found on the adult channel.

Tip 1 was what to do if you can't find your cheese grater when you're about to serve up tea to yer guests. Simples, you dig out yer ped egg or peddi file for hard skin. Perfect and effective solution. I have been informed that some friends won't be attending any of me pasta nights since seeing that episdode. Always thinking! Tip 2 which airs on Tuesday 13th September at 8pm is called 'Lazy Loafers' Again, top tip for the single person who's entertaining guests. 

Well if you want to know when and where you can watch 'Crafty Beggars In The House' all listed below. 

Every Tuesday evening at 8pm for the next 4 weeks sees the new episodes. Then there are repeats through the week of that week's episode.

http://www.craftybeggars.tv/content/

A huge thanks to both Julie and Wendy for giving me this opportunity. Two very talented and VERY funny ladies I'm pleased to now call friends. Coming soon - 'Crafty Beggars At Christmas'

XX

Thanks for watching

Bev

XXXX