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Monday, 28 May 2012

feelin hot hot hot...

Well yer can always tell summers arrived at Casa Macca coz the tites come off from under me leggins...but last week it wasn't just the tites that came woz the leggins me a fortune in Fabreeze for me tites...went out for a late lunch wiv me gays an we ended up a poco a ball tho...talkin of Casa Macca me aunty Doreen wiv diabetes brort me this back from Benidorm...
Isn't it classy...i'm the only one on our road that's got one...I think nosey nayborhood watch man will be green wen he sees it!...better than the present she brort me last was a belt with BENIDORM round it...but the bit between the buckle was every soft arse customer would say 'hello Enid' I'd be like... 'shit off me names Bev'....then I realised why thay was callin me Enid...talkin of customers and a ball with Fat Sue wiv the smart car off...we moved me promoshons stand onto the pavement an I was pushin me Vaj Butter for the hot weather...all the fellas were lovin it...all drivin past teasin me shoutin of me customers said it was HOUND but sheez deff an's me promoshon stand...
Well I had a likkle mishap wiv me favrit Crocks...they are Pound Paradises top sellers...made in Bay Jing so top kwalitee...well i fell asleep in the sun on the green next thing i wake up an me Crocks hav gone...well i thort theyd buggers had Gary reckons it woz a rug rat from a family that were sat near us an kept tuttin...if anyone nows how to reshape Crocks then messige me...
 Satdee nite was Eurovision nite...which meant me gays went mad an pushed the boat out...big Iceland shite...Asda finest...I got lost tho...used me Thai Sat Nav Tan Tan...ended up stuck in the sand had to get me RNLI boys to get me off! woz worth it in the end coz it was a crackin nite...even had a slebrity there...the woman who points at the Welks in Birkenhead market...she was up her own arse a bit...refused autographs...I was escorted off at the end of the evening on a man hunt...i got walked home by milkman Bobby Goldtops son whooz a bouncer at the rice bar...then it all went blank...ended up wakin on top of Reg Davies, loving husband, father and Timmy Shoos were stuck firm too an snail trails up me leggins...hay ho...just another satdee nite hey!...
Well I'll leave yer wiv news of me Slebrity stalker...the lovely an garjus Eamonn 'Hoi Arr Yoi' Holmes...he's bin tweetin me like a bugger...hope Ruth don't see it...all started the other day when I had a intimayte dream about him...woke up and there he was on me box smilin back wiv me best bra rapped round his was a sine I I'll leave you with this pickture and my ode to the lovely Eamonn Holmes...Laterz...
  An Ode to Eamonn Holmes

Eamonn oh Eamonn I watch you from afar,

You on me box, and me at the bar.
Your cute wee smile, charm and wit,
With all the ladies you are a hit.

From early days on morning telly,

When you shared a sofa with Lozza Kelly.
Never change your style we love the Holmes way,
For many a viewer you make their day.

Sat on Sky with Charlotte Naz n Jacks,

All the girls cringing at the jokes he cracks.
Everyone can see the great team you make,
You even match the girls with their fake bake.

With your lovely wife and TV partner Ruth,

You are Mr and Mrs TV couth.
With Sunrise, This Morning and Loose Women,
In wads of dosh you must be swimmin.

Family life takes place in Surrey

Busy days always in a hurry.
But come the evening with hatches down,
Feet up with a beer football sorrows you drown.

Poor old Ruth not a football fan,

Puts up with it all to please her man.
She rewards herself for not having a moan,
With hundreds of candles from Jo Malone.

Alas my ditty is coming to an end,

To you Ruth and family my love I do send.
If you fancy a night with a Pound shop shelf stacker,
Give me a call, the name’s Beverly Macca.

Wednesday, 23 May 2012

In the mood for dancin...

Just a kwick shout out for the Nolans who have reformed to represent Russia...wishing them all the luck on Satdee in the Yourovision song contest... the thingy is easy...

Well well well...the sun haz got its hat on...cud this be summer...i'm sufferin alreddy...fownd an old bottle of Ambrare So Lare...mustv bin out of date...burnt me self to buggery...dunno why but i let Gay Gary pick the skin off me back...he loves doin that...i'm red rore now...but lovin the wether i woz sat outside the lifeboat stayshon last cuple of days flashin me baps to the boyz whov saved my bacon on more than one okayshon...i'm off today so i thort i'd giv yerz a kwick update wiv me life...werk is ok at the mo...Fat Sue wiv the smart car is layin off me coz i put in a's fab coz i can Twill (Tweet on me till) all shift an she carnt say a werd...I'm pushin the Vaj Butter at the a new campayn on me Far La comin up...I'll keep yerz posted...
As yer now me looky likey has bin dancin in Amerika...this had led to me bein playged by peeple shoutin Kath every were I go...its a curse i hav to live with...i do get a bit fed up coz sheed need to drop a bit of wayt before she cud pull off bein me...the kompetishon has finished now so hopefully i can get back to normal...even Ross King Tweeted me sayin he struggles to call her Kath in comes out as Bev...easy mistake to make...
Time to sort out me summer wardrobe...thats wat the posh do innit...i just stop wearin tites under me leggins...means i have to use more Fabreeze tho...but me gays always say i keep the flys off the buffay...watever that means...must be one of them Youfenizms for summit norty!...talkin of bein norty me n stutterin Stu got it together at the weekend...made the mistake of askin him to talk dirty to me...big mistake...he waz still tryin to get it out come sunday mornin...
 Little plug before i fitness DVD is still sellin well...drivin to werk in me Cunto (Corsa/Punto) the other day i nearly dropped me fone, pastie an can of produkshon company hav put posters up near work...carnt beleev it...talkin of me Cunto...i said i'd do a likkle advert for Mike and the Mechanic...he's got a Labia for sale (Lada/Skoda Fabia)...the Lada had one careful laydee owner...not sure about the histree on the Skoda...messige me if yer want more info...i'm also sellin me ASBOS too...the goverment is gettin rid so I think thay will be collecters items...i woz gonna take them onto Cash in yer Attick but I carnt stick that wonky jawed nob who presents it...I'll stick em on Ebay...rite...must dash...catch yerz later... xx

Monday, 7 May 2012

me NDE...near deth expeeriense...

Well well well...i'll start with the weekend this time an go backwards...i'm shakin as i type...look at the piktchur...looks ded trankwill...that waz were I had me NDE - Near Deth Expeeriense...i shall begin as the posh say...had a grate day satdee...bit hungover from me gays comin round friday nite to teach me to nit...i gave up...interfeered wiv me Lambrini...kept droppin stitches...little nana nap then it was time to was a Star Wars theemed nite at the Rice bar...I cudn't be arsed doin much so I clipped a few powches of Golden Virginia to me blowse n said I was 'Chewbacco'...well we met up wiv a bunch of Cockernees who were selebraytin coz there woz a footy match there team had won...i was treated like a real prinsess...didnt pay for a drink all nite...thay were sayin how much like Katherine Jenkins i's a curse...then it all went thing i'm flat on me back (no change) kids screamin like banshees an i'm dragged from the boatin nancy an laydee garden on show for all to of the bleedin kids shouted to his mum 'We've found Shamoo'...i'd bin abandoned by the cockernees...seconds from death...i woz usin me Lambrini bottle as a float apparentlee...anyways...i'm here to tell the tale...thanks to the Inshore lifeboat crew too...
 Well hoowd hav thort it...Beverly Macca goin for cownsiller in the local leckshons...i waz sick of the usual ones promisin allsorts an doin i sat down an rote me manewfestow...took me a good twenty minits...I had the support n guidence of the lovely Laydee Esther Mcvey who is me sheez promised to let me go to the Tower of Parliment wiv her... plus Dame Flowella of the Benjamin has been made a sort of MP all she ever did was sing P L A Why...anyway I agress as the posh's me manewfestow (orijinal copy) 


dont waste yer vote tmrw in the local Beverly Macca MP (Macca Party) my fulll manewfestow is on me are a few of my points -

*free leggins for larger laydees

*no tax on pasties
*secksy male parkin attendents at supermarkets for women
*Lambrini/Onken yogert/chikin nuggets on preskripshon
*reeduced workin hours for poundshop workers
*late starts on a mondee mornin
*24hr happy hour
*no tax on Bargain Booze products


I then had to add a bit to cover me gays an get the pink vote as thay say, so here is the suppliment for me gay voters - 






Things was goin ded well as yer can see from the pastie chart...but i woz chattin to the other candidaytes at the poll booth an thay told me the hours...i just cudnt put the time wud be unfair on me constitewents so just like me preferred contrasepshon method I withdrew quick...but i'd like to thank all those who supported an voted for me...
Back in full swing on promoshons this Vaj Butter isn't sellin as well as thay I've really got to push if you are readin this and suffer dry cracked lips...come on in an sample me Vaj's buy one get one free week...Fat Sue wiv the smart car rang today to see if I'd go in on overtime...told her to Skank off...lazyish bank holiday today to selebrayte Lady Mays day..dunno who she is but i'm gessin sheez relayted to Saint Jorge or Saint David...i looze track of all the days off these peeple give us an who thay are...mite push for a Maccaday bank holiday...yer havin that??? Laterz... xx 

**You deeside...can you spot the difference** 
Off now for a Bank Holiday bath...