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Tuesday, 28 June 2011

around the world

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wanted to say thanks to all you folk everywhere for checkin owt me blog. just bin into the oordeence stats and carnt beleeve that folk are readin around the world. if yer from won of theese cuntrys leave a message. wud be nice to now who you are. Bev xx

Monday, 27 June 2011


i shud be on the aprentis i shud. wat wiv me cankle serum (monkey spunk) an now...wait for sat nav for yer cars. ive got one in me cunto. who needs TOMTOM wen yer can av the cheaper Thai version... TANTAN... pat pong pete az just dropped off a load. any takers?.....ill throw in a free lern yerself thai cd too..
ill say it agen for those new to me blog. ive ad loads of messiges askin wat me Cunto is. its me car! me mate mike the mechanic does some really good cut n shuts, two cars in one to the posh folk. my Cunto is a P reg Corsa and a T reg Punto... me Cunto!...

Thursday, 23 June 2011


on a more pozitive note i passed me TWAT today and saw Mike Hunt in the flesh. so i aint a divvy after all. thay confiscated me phone tho. wonder wat stupid corse thay will think up next. off to the fethers to celebrate. ive covered me tag wiv tin foil duckers rekons it blocks the signal. laterz.


bastard rozzers av ad me tagged. i thort id only get a warnin. i woz in hmv an a cuple of cds fell off the shelf into me bag. i only ran coz i saw the time an id got the trayne into town an thort id miss the won home. carnt get me bleedin boots on now and it puts a bulge in me jeggins. wudnt yer think thayd hav better things to do like out catchin robbers an benefit cheets.

Monday, 20 June 2011


oops! ferstly thanks to all of yerz whoov placed an order for me cankle serum. yer order is on its way. dont be alarmed by this picture. me mum van feltz wanted to be the ferst to have some. so i sent her sum speshal delivery. well she ad a reakshon as yer can see. but it seems it waz just a dodgy batch. shud go down within a year or so. she thinks ive dun it on perpus. but i aint.

looks like im gettin me job back on promoshons at werk. ill be sprayin me far lar agen next week. i had to go an see okupashonal helth at werk to make sure me nail was repaired after me aksident outside werk the other week. they were happy its ok to spray now. so bev n her far lar will be on full display at me shop wonce more. im ded chuffed i carnt stick tills. that beepin gives me a mygrane an i think im borderline epileptic too coz the flash makes me go giddy.

still nowt on the cock front since simple simon from the iceland trolly park. i av to say e waznt bad for a slo nippin to the fethers tonite. yer never now. laterz.

Saturday, 18 June 2011

bye bye poundland...

if your like me an suffer from a bit of water retenshon and cankles. that will all soon be a thing of the past. an its gonna make bev rich rich rich. i wont be needin compensayshon anymore thanks to pat pong pete an iron lung lill next doors motability scooter. interested. read on. oh an no wize cracks, yes thay are my feet.

well folks this cud be bevs ticket to poundland freedom. after all the upset of me non compensayshon. this haznt even bin invented here yet. pat pong pete has managed to get me a shed load. its Cankle Serum. it will put an end to cankles. its basically monkey spunk. but spunk from sircumsised thai homosecksuwal 1 eyed monkeys. so yer cant just get any ald monkey to jizz on yer hoofs down the local zoo. any takers? 
i ad to do sum wheelin n dealin to afford this lot. i ad to sell next door iron lung lills motability scooter. ah fuck it she dont get owt to use it. its bin in the communyal shed for years. but its gonna pay me back big time. iavent got a price yet. but ill let yerz now how much. yer can place yer orders gerls n guyz on me wall.

on a sad note i had to av me britnee taken into care. some nosey bastard reported me for leavin her home alone wen I went to spayne. friggin do gooders. i left her 7 bowls of food an 7 bowls of water. plus all her toys. i even put a brick thru the back door an made a little openin for her so she cud go owt. i reckon its that bitch next door. im glad ive sold her scooter now. im gonna fite it tho. i treeted that dog like royalty. i love her to bits. ill keep yerz posted. im off to make sum big bucks. laterz.

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

a polish poke

jesus mac criste. were the frig am i. iv ad a terrifyin expereence. i woke up in the back of an aldi lorry on monday mornin. i could feel we were movin an no one cud hear me scream. then two little faces popped up out of the brokoli box. i shit. i saw me life flash before me. then i saw somethin else flash before me. im goran heez ivan he said. next i now ive got one in the pink n one in the stink. i didnt say owt incase they hurt me. bowt an hour later back of the lorry opens an im in friggin dover. some blokes in uniform dragged me owt by me roll on. i managed to make up some story about bein kidnapped by this bloke coz i saw him takin blokes in his van. turns owt duckers was on a robbin job from the aldi lorry. i waz twatted an went to help him. but wen he got into the lorry i crashed owt an he forgot abowt me. how do i get into these situwashons. ad to chuck a sicky. managed to get a lift back wiv one of me Stowbie mates. i was shagged when i got home.

did me four hours yesterday at me shop, lyn wiv the limp said shes watchin me closely. i bet she is the ald lezzer. fat frank cudnt give a shiny shit. got off early with me usual little treet for him. went up to that posh garden senter to get some new plants for me window box. some rite stuck up gets in there. i still ad me overall on so everyone thort i werked there. then some posh cow showts over to me... av you got trailin labelia.... i said fuck off no i aint thats me flip flop. cheeky cow im a bit loose rite enuff but i aint snail trails yet. rite im off need to do a shop. laterz.

Saturday, 11 June 2011

holiday blues

just doin me last load.... no not that load. me holiday wash i avent stopped. friggin face on iron lung lil next door when i hung owt. ad a crakin time in fethers last nite. skank features denise ad a face like ten smacked twats wen she saw me tan. dave ad the rite horn i cud tell. me an twig ave been arguing non stop since we came back. not lookin good. were goin owt sepratley tonight. mite get a desent shag....lynne wiv the limp is lookin like a good bet...thats how bad it is...
 why did i promise the fambo an me mates a prezzie. it cost a fortune. well it cudve done if i hadnt fownd this little sooveneer shop in the new town. dunno who he is but the shop owner mustaffa stash sed heez a well nown caracter from spanish historee. so at least me mates are gettin sumthin orthentic. i ad the reel holiday blues today. i woke up an it was grey an miserable. went to the kitchen an no full inglish. waznt like spayne at all. all me dreams of goin there wiv me compo blown. mite try the new anti depressents in our shop. there a copy of that posh one saint johns wart. these are saint jacks mole. only a kwid. mite cheer me up a bit. laterz.

Thursday, 9 June 2011

bevs home

cuntinamera waheela cuntinamera cuntinameeeeera. god i love that song. its gonna be me fave on me ipod. well im back home an its friggin freezin. i only ad me bikini top n me fanny pelmet on wen we landed. cheeky gets on the flite asked us to buy 2 seats. i mean ive put on a cuple of holiday stone but i aint that big. told em to shit off in inglish but i think thay new wot i ment. im gonna go an live in spayne one day. ive ad 3 peels on me back an 2 on me face which twiggy helped to get rid of. them suntan things are crap. i ad factor 2 mazola an it did frig all. managed to get 10000 lambert an butler thru so if yer need any there £30 a box. d'ya like me donkey. a lovely man gave us it as a gift in the airport in spayne. wot a cowinsidense he had a frend waitin at the airport here wen we landed who said he needed to check the donkey was ok for children as his frend in spayne was worried. it woz ok but he said the bag on its side with the donkey food in wasnt safe so he took that away. ded kind of him goin to all that truble.

well ive ad a bit of bad news today. got me compensayshon check for bein twatted by a smart car. 98p. turns out LLB on the company paper aint the legal kwalificashon. its Leeroys Legal Blag. some dodgy get that woz recommended to us at the feathers. if yer read the small print it says we take 99% of any compensayshon. i thort it said we get it. so it means im back at poundland next week. gutted. twigs aint got much compo left either so ill be on the hunt for a new man soon. lock up yer fellas bevs goin on a manhunt.

just gonna do a holiday wash. iv ad to throw me tights out they were rock ard and snaped wen i tried to fold them to pack. i blame the heat. twiggs blamed me gash. gonna go for a few bevs later an gonna wear white too to show off me tan. skank face denise will be ded jelus. theyve just been to presthaven sands in a caravan with the kids. i wudnt tuch wales an caravans with a shitty stick anymore. ive ad luxury. laters amigows.

Saturday, 4 June 2011

bevs holiday rap

Me and twiggs on the costa blanca,
we've ad a few spats eez a bit of a wanka.
But wiv all that dosh stashed in his bank,
I can forgive, and please him wiv a wank.

I'm lovin it here sunshine and beer,
dead fit men check me out an leer.
Who is dat gerl she is one hot cracker,
fuck me man it's Beverly Macca.

I shake me booty on da beach,
I tease them boys coz I'm outta reach.
I'm here wiv me bo an that is twiggs,
all the boyz left squeelin like horny pigs.

I'm takin in all things local,
choked on a Spanish cock, affected me vocal.
This life is for me without a doubt,
just a shame that da heat messes wiv me clout.


hole - la. thats spanish for y'alright. im like a friggin local i am. were just sittin on the balcony wiv a large crem de menth an coke. twiggy is pickin the skin off me back wiv his teeth. im red rore i am an not just me sunburn. me vaj has flared up summit orful. wat wiv all the holiday sex an the heat. i had to stop wearin tights under me leggins after a cuple of days. i managed to lern a sentance the waiter tort me in spanish. tee enni creema para mi conyo. it means av yer got the onken for me fanny. daft cow in the kemist gave me friggin hair remover. im balled as a koot down there now an it set me minge alite. twiggy likes me shaven haven.

im so into the spanish food. weev been eatin local every day. just 5 mins from the hotel yer cudnt get more local than that. full inglish at wan e waneetas. luvly cuple but they dont speak a bit of inglish wich i think is a bit rude of them to be onest. mind you they now the important werds like red sorce an the bog. then we tend to av chops n chips for tea at la kween vic. agen its local. only on the next block. we were all incluwsive but we got banned coz they rekoned we were avin more than r fare share. cheeky forin gets.

i ad a bit of an insident wiv me sheets the other day. i thort id fallen asleep an dropped me la mumba nite cap. but twiggy said it stank of chops n black puddin. tried to wash em in the posh foot bath in the bathroom but didnt come out. rite id better go. im on pay as yer go an this internet will be costin me a fortune. ill catch yerz wen im back. ad ee os. ill ..........................................