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Sunday, 31 July 2011

A true inspiration!

It's not often that Bev is lost for words as many of you know. But this week I came across a very brave boy with an amazing story. Please visit Harry's page and buy a bracelet. This young man despite his own problems does so much to help others. Nuff said. This is for you Harry. X

Harry Moseley a brave young lad,
Suffering with pain, but never sad.
Many folk could take a leaf from his book,
Better still buy a bracelet, go take a look.

Harry is surrounded by family and friends,
His constant Tweeting never ends.
Twitter fans form part of his healing,
His bravery often leaves us reeling.

Harry’s kindness knows no bounds,
He helps so many making all the right sounds.
Celebrity followers even Beverly Macca,
Will do all they can to help this cracker.

Alas my poem is coming to an end,
To Brave sweet Harry big hugs we send.
Keep fighting brave man, you know you can win.
With your positive thoughts and strength from within. 

Saturday, 30 July 2011

clitty castle.....

sweet baby yazu... what have i done... bless me farther coz i have sinned. the cherch needed a bouncy castle at short notice for the village fayre tmoz.... I called in a favor from Pat Pong Pete who owes me for a blowy....just got a text from the rite reverend Phil Emup...heez furious...look wat theyve left on the village green...ah fuck it... I'm so munted rite now.... theres gratitude for yerz.... laterz...

snails trails n clitorus bushes

 every week i think this weekend carnt get any betterer. an it duz. had a right crack at the feathers coz dave woz on doing the disco. it woz ded romantik coz he woz sendin me them subliminal messiges via the power of song. he kept playin our song.... not the famus elton john song but hiz n mine famus Russ Abbot song oh wat an atmosphere. every time he played it he winked at me. i got the messige.

little did i now there was a new romance about to blossom in the shape of Pox mark Paul. lovely man who was in the area to do the charity bike ride today. well he got a bit of practice bike ridin last nite. not the most romantik of places the disabled loo in the pub. but i like someone who helps charity. but he was new to it i think coz when he woz givin me one he said 'i dont normally do charity'... very deep. said i'd go and cheer him on today. im not so sure if i cud cope with the pox marks mind u.

well ive just woken up in a clematis...i thort i cud smell me far la at first it smelt lovely. then i saw the snail trails on me leggins. anyone know if yer can wash that out. i wanna wear them agen tonite. dont now how but i had no tites on either shit nows where they are. sorry paul but i wont make the bike race to wave yer on. little night cap me thinks then bed for a few hours ready to Paaaarrrtaaaayyyy agen tonite... laterz...

Friday, 29 July 2011

more than in love...

as saint kate of the robbins once said.... I'm more than in love.... met a lovely guy tonight at the feathers... heez doin the charity event tmrw... pox mark paul is his name... more of that tmoz.

While i'm on the subject of saint kate of the robbins.... if any of yerz are in that London on 7th August get yerselves to Ronnie Scotts....coz Kate is performing.... here are the detayls... Enjoy... the album is fanny tastic too!... xx

Thursday, 28 July 2011

is bev a loose woman

well ive recovered from me weekend and got me lovely new laminayte floor in me shitter thanks to Lino Lenny. tried that doggin agen last nite. its not for me ive desided i always end up in the back of a rover 75 wiv some old get wiv a jack russel lickin at me arse. ill stick to me regulars at least yer know wat infection yer gettin wiv them.

Well me applikayshon has gone in and coleen has just left. only kate and zoe to go then it cud be me. so Bevs kwestion to you is am i a loose woman...d'yer reckon i could do it... wud yerz like to watch me on the box. if yer think ive got wat it takes then email and tell her why bev would be a good loose woman. i cud be britenin up your days very soon.

rite carnt stop. im nippin to the big primarni store in town to look at outfits i cud wear on telly. im thinkin leggins an leppard print with some new Timmy Shoos curtesy of Pat Pong Pete! Laterz...

Monday, 25 July 2011

spend spend spend

wowzeroonie... Don Key Hotay waznt rong wen he said money makes me more attracktive. maybe i give off one of them Oras like wen yer pregnant and folk say you are glowin. they were round me like flies round shit over the weekend. me hand wasnt out me pocket all nite. i felt a few other hands in me pockit too and i rekon they wernt after me cash but me gash. i wore me best Victorias secret copy nickers they are called 'Lillians Lie' pat pong pete gets them for me you can't tell them from the real thing. theyve got velcro round me lady garden. i even bort a pubic wig out me winnings too. after that minge singe last week at sharm el sharons salon Tu Tan Cum In when mustaffa cocked it up. they were sellin them at the market. i went for Birkenhead Brown shade with glitter sprinkles in it. them sprinkles dont arf make yer clout itch.

we ad a ball got a lock in at the feathers. stutterin Stu is home from afganistan so i ad a bit of that. bi polar brian is back on the meds so he got to taste le nectar de bev. then old Lenny Lino who does cheap floorin was in. normally i wudnt touch it for kwids but me laminate floorin in the shitter has lifted so thort we could do a deal. corse he'd never say no would he. jesus he waz down there ages i ad to hurry him up in the end. then he started spittin coz he'd got glitter in hiz teeth. anyways i goes back to the bar as tho nowts happened. next minute i nearly choked on me lychee. out he comes wiv me friggin pubic wig stuck to bald head. it looked like a friggin glitter ball. hey ho he's comin tmrw to do me laminate floorin. laterz.

Friday, 22 July 2011

two fat laydees....

well TFIF thank fuck its friday. what a friggin week ive had what with me little detour to scotchland. me fanny is like a stab wound on a gorrillas back after all them truckers i had that day. not to menshon young jimmy mac around me crack. well I couldn't face work today i got me giro so waznt arsed about the money. so i decided to go to bingo instead. you know im playin alot online. dunno how much longer for tho i got a credit card an pin delivered here so im fillin me boots while i can. if they catch up wiv me ill blame iron lung lill next door.

ad a grate time i ave to say. met up with diabetic doreen an her sister cathy cankles. fuckin cathy makes me laff she runs a slimmin group at the cherch rite yet sheez that big she az to go in sideways with her arse. i left that one when she bollocked me for puttin on a stone in a week. it waz me 'star' week otherwise nown as on the blob. im prone to fluid retenshon around that time. i wouldn't mind but she stank of beef drippin when she wayed you. thats coz there is a chippy near the cherch and thay use it to cook there chips in. she'd av a poke of chips before she came in. i just had the poke coz dig em up dennis does the graves there heez gorge and always gaggin for it. anyway i Agress as the posh folk say. i only went an won £137 double me giro. so it woz home via bargain booze 5liter box and 10 packs of pork scratchins...that'll do me till i go out. drinks are on me. Don Key Hotay from casa mia restrornt waz doin me up the alley when i won on the scratchys years ago he said Bev Er Lee money makes dew so mooch more attractib. ive never forgotten that compliment. never saw him again after me winnins was gone. funny that.. laterz.

Thursday, 21 July 2011

good and bad news....

as that reelyjus saying goes the lord giveth an the lord taketh away.....thay spell as bad as i do... heard the amayzing news that steps are getting back together....then like a dagger in the clit i hear this awaful news about assured i have bin told that cheryl baker mite be takin over if she would only Make her mind up!..... RIP...

ock eye da noo!

well frig my flaps till friday..what a day ive had. well i say day im now into me second day and im not long home. firstly i didnt get the job. secondly i didnt make the intervew. wanna now why then reed on.

well i left my place at 4am for a 5pm intervew in londin. got lost finding the moterway an got on it 4hrs later. i had a bag of pasties i had defrosted an a flask of poundland premier tea. i was all set up or so i thought. i hadnt driven on the moterway before. not unless i woz in the cab of an eddy stobart van. i didnt realise you had to stop so often. i kept seein a sine saying Tiredness Kills Pull i must have had to stop every half an hour coz i woz fucked. but every stop ment i met an eddy stobart mate. so id av to have a little fumble there and the time woz flyin by.

now i forgot me drivin glasses so i cudnt really reed the road signs but i woz told it woz a strate line wonce i woz on the motorway. well it woz. sort of. next thing i see this haze in the distanse an i thort it woz the smog they talk about in Londin. well i pulled over agen before i hit the smog. went into the services and the womin smelt of wisky. then wen she spoke i cudnt understand a friggin word she said. turns out she woz scotch an i woz in fuckin scotland. it turns out the haze i saw woz the haze of 100.000 fryin pans firing up for the nite over scotchland. i nearly shat a pastie. iw was fucked. no way cud i make it back to londin for me intervew now. i nipped into the travel lodge to park a darkie an got chattin to a lovely lad called jimmy mac. only young an never felt a real womin in his life. so i let him see wat a real womin feels like. it woz over in a splash. but he woz ded romantic an took me up the haggis. a famus restrornt in scotchland. he did all the orderin in scotch i woz ded impressed. well as luck wud have it anuther of me stobbart mates was in there. he had just emptied hiz load so had an empty contayner. said hed put me cunto in it and giv me a lift home. hows that for luck. anyway i better go i can hear him slappin his meat. gotta pay for me lift home ill kick him out first thing tmrw. only came down for some lube cudnt find any so ive got some mazola cookin oil. laterz... 

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

facebook n bingo!

carnt stop im in the stock room doin me own stock take if yer get me drift. im bored now...mite give fat frank a blowy and do a half day. nip up the bingo. on that subject take a look at this bingo link on Facebook. go to it and like it ive got a shag restin on it. and wile yer in facebook why not add me as yer frend. i aint fussy ill take anyone despite yer criminal rekord. well i am a bit fussy i got a frend rekwest from that red haired cow Rebekah Brookes. no way wud i ecksept her....well if she slips me a few kwid i mite. heres the links. laterz.

Saturday, 16 July 2011

Hack attack

just takin a moment out of gettin munted to share my ode to the phone hackin scandal. i now i am not won for takin life serious but i really feel for the familys and all involved. i will miss the News of the world for checkin me bizness deals. but good riddanse to bad rubbish.

Rebekah N Rupert what have you done,
your empire is crashing including the Sun.
Your crime is so evil and a stab in the back
for the suffering folk whose phones you did hack.

News of the World is dead and gone,
as an arse wiping rag it was second to none.
Two red tops gone in just a week,
what now for Rupert and the other little geek.

What did they get from listening in,
deleting messages and rifling the bin.
A poor murdered girl's family made to suffer more,
9-11 victims with their grief so raw.

Here's hoping they get the maximum term,
and from their mistakes let's hope they learn.
Alas I fear not and soon they will say,
that was the past, welcome to the Sun on Sunday.

off with a bang!

well the weekend is here an it started wiv a not that bastard shower blew up last nite wen i woz gettin ready to go out. twiggy did it a while ago wen we waz daytin. i ended up avin to go out to the shed and hose me nancy with cold water. i could feel me flaps clamp like a penis fly trap as the cold water hit. iron lung lill from next door was watchin out of her window shakin her bleedin head. i just turned me arse to her and let rip. she nearly poppped a sanatogin...

also ruined a pair of me sexy nickers last nite. pat pong pete gets me copies of Victoria's Secret stuff. they are called Lillian's Lie. identical to the real stuff half the price. well i popped a cuple of me love eggs up me hoop last nite to get me juices flowin. I felt the buggers go off while i was chopmpin on me deep fried toffee balls at the chinky. i left them up there coz i didn't want to get toffee sauce on me minge. when i went to the loo later in the nite me crotch was burnt thru in me nickers. id used them cheap shite batteries from our shop an theyd leaked right thru me labia onto me nickers.

Can you belive the bevlar didn't cop off last nite. i must be losin me touch. well I say didn't cop off -  ken wong way who owns the chinky gave me a freebie last nite. yer see he likes a chopstick up his arse while he haz one off the wrist into a bowl of chickin and sweetcorn soup....don't ask. I have to do the chopstick an talk dirty to him. its friggin hard too doin that an tryin to eat me speshal fried rice. things i do for a free feed. right off for carry on karryoke tonight at the socshial club. yer have to dress as yer fave carry on caracter. im torn between hatty jakes an barbara windsor. laterz.

Friday, 15 July 2011

itchy nancy

sweet baby draggin me fanny around me laminayte floor to try and cool it down. can i just say if yer plannin to av yer down belows dun for yer holidays dont go for the new brazillian - minge singe. its all the rage thay say. i went to Sharm el Sharons salon Tu Tan Cum In. remember i told yer, shes been going there for years met a fella there dragged him back and has turned the salon all egypshon. well shes bin advertisin this new minge singe for a while. its meant to keep yer bush neat an leave a bit of fuzz for yer fella.

well she sends me off to the treetment room tells me to get ready and the bewtishon will be wiv me soon. so i strip off me lower garments got me nancy on full view an who walks in but friggin mustaffa visa, her fella holdin a ginseng an cammamile sentid candle. i nearly shit a brik. then he says all carm it ok bev er lee. i am kwallified. turns out sharm el sharon az paid for him to do a corse. anyways not two minits in i can smell singein hair i looked down an me fanny looked like a ripped out fireplace. in the end i said just shave the lot off. so that wat ive dun.

well the weekend is hear..and the bevlar is on top pullin form. stutterin stu is home from afganistan so hes a contender an bi polar brian is back on the happy pills so e mite be in for ride on the bevlar express. laterz.

Monday, 11 July 2011

bye bye poundland...hello paradise

well the bevlar has had kwite an interesting day.... ive been head hunted... not hunted to give head... altho im told im kwite good in that department. Poundparadise have heard how good i am at sellin me Far Lar (in house perfume)....ive had more men sniffin round it than yer can shake a shitty stick at. well Poundparadise are openin up on our high street and wanna take the bevlar... i dont now what to do. im torn. as much as i bitch abowt fat frank, lynee wiv the limp an fat sue with the smart car i wud kind of miss them. any tips as to wat i shud do.

after me trorma yesterday ive managed to get the shit off me Timmy Shoos. Pat pong pete had a cleanin solushon that gets stains off. cud cum in handy in the car too. theres billy stains everywhere in me Cunto. I'm avin a kwiet nite in munted. i picked up a cuple of donnas from mustaffas on the way home an just 2 liters into a 5 liter box of me fave leebfrowmilk. catch yerz later. dont forget to add me on facebook if yer wont. i aint fussy ill take anyone. laterz.

Sunday, 10 July 2011

titanic rescue

omg...i never fayl to suprize meself sometimes. can i start by sayin a big thank you to the boyz on the inshore lifeboat who came to me rescue this mornin. im sorry about the fuss i made about me timmy shoos too but thay were me best pair. you woz all fookin garjus too.

 so how did it all happen. well i desided to go out wiv the gays last nite to the rice bar. i didnt av any onken in me fridge to i thort id give me nancy a rest. we ad a crakin nite, them gays now how to partayyyy. ad a bit of a disaster wiv me jeggins tho. we woz doin oops upside yer head on the floor an i got them cort on a nail. ended up takin me tites off from under me jeggins. well i got a teensy bit twunted an lone behold there waz a man there who waznt a gay. he approwched me an said he liked the smell of me Far Lar. told him i was the face of Far Lar think e woz impressed. well one thing led to another an before you now it i left the gays to it. the lites had come on and thay were all chekin owt whos takin who home. me feet were stickin to the floor at that point too.

barry the bouncer was hiz name. he woz ded romantik too. had flavored loob wiv him gave me a choice of flavors. well we end up in the iceland car park and hav a bit of shall we say adult fun. i woz hopin he mite walk me home via Mustaffas kebab house... yeh rite there all the same. no sooner had he dumped his muck he woz off. i didnt now wat to do so i set off for home. dont now how but i ended up on the beach. i woke up in the early hours thinkin id pissed me pants. it was the tide comin in. i was stranded an me undergarment had bin removed. worst of all me timmy shoos were stuck solid in the mud. lukily i had me mobile wiv me an rang 999 they sent the inshore rescue to get me. i am so trormatized. goin for a hot bath an takin a bottle of lambrini wiv me. laterz.

Friday, 8 July 2011

fanny by gas lite

ok so i woz off raydar. i now yerz all thort i woz up to no good. well i woz a bit. ive been helpin owt mike and the mechanic with there car sales. yerz now he duz cut and shuts he made me Cunto for me (P reg Corsa and a T reg Punto) well ive not bin totally onest wiv yerz. ive bin workin on the side for him deliverin the cars. well on thursday i waz nearly cort by the fuzz. i woz deliverin a Labia for him ( Lada and Fabia) jesus did I have to work me Labia hard to escape.

I did manage to escape them but the rozzers rekognized me from me limp. long story but i only limp wen im due on. anyways mikes got a anty in the lake distrikt. i woz shipped of there till it all died down an she was my ally by. now i aint dissin the lake distrikt but fuck me its back in the dark ages. no fone signal no wi fi i woz bored shitless. d'ya now she didnt even have lecky lights. i ad to wash me Fanny by gas light, nearly singed the fucker. but the piss of resistance as thay say in france woz some old geezer bangin me up this mornin with his stick. he woz bangin on me bedroom window. mikes anty said thats there alarm clock. i woz off kwicker than wank.

anyway thanks to vlad the lovely eddie stobart driver i made it home to tell the tale and live anuther day. i missed yerz all. ta for all the private messiges an i will reply to them. now mike is workin on a new car if any of yerz is interested. its a CliTaurus. a Renault Clio/Ford Taurus crackin family car. let me now if yerz interested. Laterz....

Monday, 4 July 2011

witch hazel

sweet baby fallin to peeces. wat wiv me athleetes foot me flap flare up now its me bleedin vajazzle. anyone got any tips on how to stop me vajazzle from gowin septic...ive ad to bathe me pubic zerconias in witch hazel..stung to frig...ive bin reedin abowt a new craze called hooplajazzle...its were yer get yer chocklit starfish or the posh werd is sfinkter decorated wiv gonna see if sheez doin them at Tu Tan Cum In salon...sheez dragged old mustaffa over from sharm el shake already...its doomed yer now...eez only after er avin a kwiet nite in tonight wiv a 5litre box of leebfrowmilk that was marked down at bargain booze. its a bit owt of date but its alkohol so im gessin it kills off any germs. im goin to head office tmoz to get a sales award for me Far La... im ded chuffed. rekon ill see mike hunt agen. laterz.

Saturday, 2 July 2011

atheleets foot

im not avin much luck today. what wiv me flaps flarin up now its me athleets foot. dunno why its called that tho coz i do shit all eckersize. me mates reckon its me Timmy Shoos pat pong pete gets for me coz theyr plastic. i made the mistake of tellin john paul about it. he said hed red about it in a book an yer have to piss on yer foot to make it go. soft shite here beleeved him. he ad a piss on me foot then when hed finished he said oh no i think thats for a poyzen jellyfish sting but can i av a wank on yer feet now. cheeky get. i cudnt get me tights off later they were sticky as fuck. right gotta dash im doin my bit for charity tonight before i go out. the red cross shop is close now till monday an theres a load of stuff outside in bags. im off to get the pick of it beforethe ald lezzers get in on monday and take the best stuff. laterz...

Can i just say... thanks for all the private messiges but the answer is NO! thats not Twiggy spreddin me legs... I aint a fuckin Oompa Loompa...