well i left my place at 4am for a 5pm intervew in londin. got lost finding the moterway an got on it 4hrs later. i had a bag of pasties i had defrosted an a flask of poundland premier tea. i was all set up or so i thought. i hadnt driven on the moterway before. not unless i woz in the cab of an eddy stobart van. i didnt realise you had to stop so often. i kept seein a sine saying Tiredness Kills Pull Over...so i must have had to stop every half an hour coz i woz fucked. but every stop ment i met an eddy stobart mate. so id av to have a little fumble there and the time woz flyin by.
now i forgot me drivin glasses so i cudnt really reed the road signs but i woz told it woz a strate line wonce i woz on the motorway. well it woz. sort of. next thing i see this haze in the distanse an i thort it woz the smog they talk about in Londin. well i pulled over agen before i hit the smog. went into the services and the womin smelt of wisky. then wen she spoke i cudnt understand a friggin word she said. turns out she woz scotch an i woz in fuckin scotland. it turns out the haze i saw woz the haze of 100.000 fryin pans firing up for the nite over scotchland. i nearly shat a pastie. iw was fucked. no way cud i make it back to londin for me intervew now. i nipped into the travel lodge to park a darkie an got chattin to a lovely lad called jimmy mac. only young an never felt a real womin in his life. so i let him see wat a real womin feels like. it woz over in a splash. but he woz ded romantic an took me up the haggis. a famus restrornt in scotchland. he did all the orderin in scotch i woz ded impressed. well as luck wud have it anuther of me stobbart mates was in there. he had just emptied hiz load so had an empty contayner. said hed put me cunto in it and giv me a lift home. hows that for luck. anyway i better go i can hear him slappin his meat. gotta pay for me lift home ill kick him out first thing tmrw. only came down for some lube cudnt find any so ive got some mazola cookin oil. laterz...
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