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Monday 27 August 2012

Saddle up N ride yer pony...

Well wat a week i've ad this week...i dont know me arse from me elbow at the moment...i've not had time to put me cankles up hardly...i've bin tryin to skweeze in shifts at Pound Paradise with raydio intervews, then magazine intervews an tryin to get twunted most nites on Lambrini...as yer can see i started the week up at 92.1FM 7waves studio talkin about all things Celebrity Big Brother coz me lovely Coleen is in there...heez one derty get that Adam...i'm sure he turns the heat up before I go in coz not 5 minits in there i'm takin me bra n me tites off...he loves it...got me own back tho wen i tried to seduce him while Agadoo was playin...
That'll lern him...he won't be doin that in a hurry...came home for 5 minits break an run meself a bath...i woz nackered...i had a bit of a Whamathon while I woz soakin...an for all you derty al arses out there it's not a Youfenizm...it was me Andy n George...i was taken back a few years...
That pease and kwiet was shattered when i got the fone call that i had to go an ree deem me prize from Pound Paradise for me sales targets for July...i'm not bein funny but what would you have given me...Bargain Booze vowchers...Chineez buffay vowchers...what did they give me....Bleedin horse ridin vowchers...I ask yer...so off I go...not a werd about wat to wear till i get there an its all too late...sum snottty mare with huge nostrills n a headscarf looks me up n down an asks 'And you are'.... I said 'Friggin taller than you in me Timmy Shoos so shit off'.... she nearly choked on her bleedin plum...anyways she sends me over to this lovely gerl...an off we go...first thing that happens is me friggin Timmy Shoos sank in the soil...I woz buggered...
Anywayz i didn't want to hurt the horse so i left them off an got on in bare feet...took me about 24 attempts to mount it...not a problem i usually hav i must say...but sweet baby yazu that bugger was big...it reminded me of wen me n Fat Frank from werk once tried intimassees in the service lift...never agen...
Anyways i made it up...just...then she says do you want me to lead...I'm like frig me...yer not expectin me to take this bleedin thing off on me own are yer...make it kwik too coz me lambrini is gettin warm in me bag...good enuff she did a cuple of circles an i woz feelin sick as a pig...then came the hardest part...nobody told me i had to get off the fecker...i bet Zara Fillips duz it better than this...  
That waznt the werst of it...talkin of pigs...well I thort it woz a sheep...i woz away the day we went to visit a farm in primary skool...i'd just sat down to hav a swig of me luke warm lambrini an next thing i know there's a Fat Sue wiv the smart car lookey likey lookin back at me...i near shit...luckily i ad a carrot in me bag...dont ask...so i tried to feed it that...little sod tried to eat me cankle chain...
so that was me day at the bleedin farm...never agen...i'm not cut out for that malarkee...now onto another story...see wat i mean...me weeks bin full on...yer all know about me interveiw for Lifestyle Monthly magazine...a glossy that is produced by Amanda (Mander) Moss and her team...i woz asked to talk about me life in an interview which i did...an from next month October I've got me own colum...well here is the finished product...didn't make page 3...but early days hey...i made page 45! That Craig Phillips has a colum in there as well...the little sexy one from the first Big Brother...i'm gonn av a werd wiv Mander an see if we can do a speshall feature were he shows me some tricks wiv his wood...here it is...
its amayzin wat a bit of hairbrushin can do to yer komplexshon...it nocks hours off me...i hope yer'll join me next month an check out me new colum...here's the link to the magazine online -

Well on a serius note...i've had me share of truble this week too...as yer now theres been a story on Twitter about my duble Katherine Jenkins n David Beckham...well as soon as it hit me confidenshal foneline was on fire...i've ad every paper onto me thinkin its me...i had to get sent home from me till coz of it...here's a pic one of the Pepperazi friggers got of me tryin to get home to watch me life of grime box set after a little trip up the Aldi...
it's not on is it...i'm just a pound shop shelf stacker called Beverly Macca...i hope it's died down now...well how was that for a week...an d'yerz know how I ended it...the best way I could think of...I was taken up the Wong Wei.... I'll leave yerz with that...laterz...xxxx
 
 



Saturday 18 August 2012

Orgazms n Busses...

Iya...how yer doin...hope yer all enjoyin me 50 shades of Paradise...Pound Parasdise...it's goin menkal on the hits wen i post it...well talkin of Paradise...Pound Paradise its bin go go go...I was sat there the other day rushed off me cankles on me till...'1 Item Or Else' lane an me fone goes...it's a lovelee laydee askin me if i'd like to do an interview for her magazeen...well the first thing i thort was she'll want me breasticles out at least...no...sheez ded nice an says sheez a fan an loves wat i do...FFS I serve on a till an let blokes sniff me Far La...wats interestin abowt that...anywayz i says yes an that were that....well low n behowld just like that sayin goes....Yer wait ages for an Orgazm then 3 come at once...she only goes n offers me me own column in Lifestyle Monthly Magazine...I nearly shat a love egg...me the pound shop shelf stacker Beverly Macca wiv me own Column...I felt like Marjeree Proops crossed wiv Ester Rantzen...we ad a meetin an i said yes I'll do it....so if yer out n about an see the Magazine Lifestyle Monthly or go to www.lifestylemonthly.co.uk you can read me bits n bobs...here's Mander Moss who owns an runs it...sheez ded posh...i ad to take a fraze book to now wat she woz sayin...
Anyway...I agress as the posh say...that was that or so I thort...then she menshons me helpin out in the background at Liverpool Fashon Week...showin the gerls how do flornt it n all that...plus me garjus Mark Heyes mite be comin if I can sweet talk him....but to top it all too me garjus Nick Ede mite come too wiv Lizzie Cundy...I'm so ecksited...here's me in me Liverpool Fashon Week tee shirt kurtesee of Mander Moss...
Work hasnt bin grate...i'm gettin loadsa greef abowt bein on me till...i'm not bein funny but duz it say anywere in me kontract that i hav to talk to anyone?...duz it say thow shallt not use yer mobile or read Bella or Real People?...no....but i'm sick of skanky customers moanin...I need to get outta here...wonder if Simone Cowell will av me...at least Mander is helpin take me away from it all...look at the gob on this one...I'd just got to me favorit artickle in me mags the 62 year old woman who had gone to Marmaris in Turkey n Samir the waiter said 'I am lovin you Doreen from Cleethorps an I want to marry you...it is nuthin to do wid yo money'.....the endin is always the same mind...so I new wat was comin....
but thats not the point...she tried to take me magazine off me...how rude...well movin on...Celebrity Big Brother...OMG...the loveliest laydee off the telly is on it...Dame Coleen of the Nolan...me an Col hav a bit of histree from her time at This Morning in the hub...we had great banter an many Tweeters loved it...miss her there...but she is sooooo goin to win this...here we go agen...I'm mindin me own bizness on Friday mornin an Adam from 7waves radio rings me an sayz can you be our Celeb Big Brother voice on me show...another bus another orgazm...so off I goes to the stewdio...i'm not in there 5 minits an i think Adam puts the heat up on the stewdio thermostat just so I take me bra off...an off it came...
we had a good chat live on air an I didnt let a Twunt or a Cunto out...i woz ded prowd of meself...again after that I've bin aksed to do a regular peece wile CBB is on...so if you are near yer wireless choon it into 92.1FM or you can go to www.7waves.co.uk and listen live...it's gonna be called Big Sid's bit on the side...an here's our logo...come an join us an join Adam weekdays between 10 and 2...I'll be there Monday Weds and Friday...
Oh well...I've bin a bad gerl this week an bin out on a skool nite mostly selebraytin me extra bits n bobs...me cankles are up like baloons an i've not had time to fart...but d'ya know I'm lovin it...an i wanna say a big thank you to all of yerz for supportin me...i'm always here for yerz to make yer smile or let yer offload...love yerz all lots........here's the view at Casa Macca most nites this week...laterz...xxxx
 


Wednesday 8 August 2012

50 Shades of Paradise...Pound Paradise...

Well yerv read me diary...now its time to read me novel...me ferst novel...i heard all the hipe about that 50 Shades of Gray...then thort my life at Pound Paradise could be made into a novel...it was ded Kathartik to rite...I'll keep postin the chapters as thay come...so make sure you return for more...


Chapter 1 - Vag Fresh

It was an early shift…I hated earlies…my eyes were always stuck together with sticky stuff from the nite before…crusty almost…I made my way to the staff room…undid me blowse to put me overall on…that’s wen I smelt that familiar sent…Haribo….my nipples firmed and I could feel my melting prawn ring drip down my tites…I leaned over an stuck my ring in the freezer for later….I reached to spray myself with my perfume…just then I felt a firm grip on my Far La….’I’ll do that’ came the husky voice via Harolds electro voice box…I held the vibrator firm on his adams apple an asked him to say it agen…Vag fresh he said….yes I said…fabreezed it just for you….he said…no…do you want the usual 10 boxes of the Vag fresh sweets….I giggled like a little gerl…this got him aroused…

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 Chapter 2 - The lost voice…

Silence…apart from the sound of Harold rummaging to find some triple A batteries for his electro voice box handset…I had drained his power demanding he talk dirty to me…’I can’t last much longer you fat slag’ he said as his voiced faded out…My face was damp with the grease of his cola bottles…he enjoyed force feeding me haribo during intimayte moments…the store room was a mess…he had thrown me round like an empty track suit but I loved it…just then with his power restored he thrust the vibrator to his adams apple and said… ‘round 2 Macca beg bitch’…with that I dropped to my knees and took his flavoured Starburst in my mouth…I blacked out momentarily havin choked a little on the intensity of flavours…I came too with my face pressed against a box of out of date Vaj Butter…Harold had vanished…I let out a gentle post koytel fart…but the noise was familiar…not my normal wispy puffs but an electro sounding noise…Harold may have gone, but he’d left a part of him inside me…to be continued.

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 Chapter 3 - Something inside so wrong…

I sat on my till with my mind wandering…all of a sudden I heard the song…Labia Siffree - ‘Something inside so strong’ and it all came flooding back…’Something inside so Wrong’…It was 2 days now since my intimasee wiv Haribo Harold in the stock room…I had heard nothing from him…apart from a few Careless Whispers from my down belows via his electro voice handset wen passin wind…I had a few calls from his number but he didn’t say anything…silence…we were due a big order and I couldn’t help but wonder if we would pick up were we left off…I had volunteered to receive Harolds load…just then I heard the familiar sound of his airbrakes…My Vajina gripped like a vice…just as it did I heard that familiar voice from my groin ‘Please replace the batteries’ it was an omen…I slipped quietly from my till an picked up a packet of Haribo family assortment or as Harold calls them his Viagra…My heart pounded as I entered the stock room…I had a flash back to our last leeayson dangerus…just then I was brort back by a hard kick on my back door…’Coming’ I said…a frordiant slip…I raised my flaps in the receiving bay and there he was…erect in his stance…a sheet of paper in his hand and a white strip of plaster across his nose…it read - ‘I’m your handy delivery man…Bend and deliver’…my very own prince charming…he new I loved Adam Ant…I was moist…I slowly rolled down my leggings and peeled off me tites…I lay there quiet as Harold clicked the lock on the stock room door…within minits he dumped his load into my delivery hatch….to be continued.

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Chapter 4 - Take my breath away…

The intensity of his delivery in my hatch was taking my breath away…’do you want me to stop’ came the electro voice…’no’ I whispered…it had been several minits since Harold had removed his electro voice box handset from my welcoming lady garden…he was gentle…only pausing to knock 3 times on the ceiling, meaning did I want him to stop…twice on the pipes meant my answer was no…I heard the rustle of plastic…the opening of another packet of Haribo…or so I thought…this was going to be a long but intense delivery…just as I was getting my breath back antisipaytin Haribo cola bottle or his starburst Harold forced his Percy Pig into my mouth…it took me by surprise, it tasted different…it wasn’t haribo but I savoured the taste…’do you want more fat arse’ (I loved him talkin derty to me) he demanded…I couldn’t reply…I was still gaggin on his Percy Pig…’Toys’ he said…’aisle 6’ I gagged…’no, shall we try toys’ he replied…I was intreeged…how seemed like such an odd time to think about Ninja turtles or Barbie and Ken…Harold staggered across the stock room…it was glowing red…a red room…this was from the red delivery warning light…all of a sudden a pang of guilt came over me…what about Harolds wife…she was ill…Tumours on her bunions had left her unable to move…unable to pleasure Harold…I was brort back to earth with a bang as Harold tore at my primarni leopard print blowse…he had opened a box of our Pippa Pegs toys…’stick one between yer breasts’ he ordered…my nipples firmed at his demands…I obliged…he wore my legs like a winter scarf…just as Harold was about to deliver his ultimate load my flaps flung open…daylight filled the room and lit Pippa Peg between my ample breasts…we had been discovered…I spat out Harolds Percy Pig…’YOU’ I shouted…to be continued.

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Chapter 5 - Creamed off Climax...

It took a while for it to register...I was still aglow from the intensity of my mammouth seshon...I could still taste Harolds Percy Pig in my mouth...I hadn't expected another delivery so soon after...Could I really face a mouthful of Bobby Goldtop (the milkman)s cream so soon after Harolds Percy Pig and starburst...Instead of being annoyed I could see from Bobby's apron he was gently aroused by the scene that had greeted him from under my delivery flaps...'Shall I carry on as normal' said Bobby...I looked at Harold who was busy eating another packet of Haribo cola cubes ready for our next sesh...'won't put me off' came the sound of Harolds electro voicebox...'Why not' I said to Bobby'...my flaps locked tite at the thought of being watched...with that Bobby Goldtop turned to face us and pulled out his Blackberry...'do you want me to shoot it' he said as he fumbled with his autoflash...I was moist...it was becoming too much for me...I was getting concerned my Vaj Butter would begin to leak...plus I had been off the shop floor for so long...would anyone notice?...with that I felt a slap across my erect nipple...it was a Haribo lickrish lace...strawberry...Harold picked up his electro voice handset held it to his adams apple and demanded...'beg you fat bit......'Harolds battery had gone...another intense intimayte moment had drained him...i panicked...I remembered selling the last of the triple A batteries..how could I be stimulayted without the sound of Harold's vibrating electro voice talking dirty to me...I hadn't realised while all this was going on Bobby Goldtop had finished shooting and delivered his cream...'I'm only 4 mega pixels' he said...'I'll email them to you....' as quickly as he had come he was gone...I heard the whirr of his beloved milkfloat Freda as he pulled away...i felt deflayted...I had not reached my climax on this okayshon...just then like Arnold Shwartznayger with a removed voice box came Harold's dulsit tones...'I'll be back' as he slowly exited my delivery shoot...to be continued.

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