Saturday, 15 October 2016
It's beginnin to look a lot like Christmas! Well it was down in London last week. I was invited back for more community service to film three Christmas specials of 'Crafty Beggars In The House' with the lovely Wendy Turner Webster & Julie Peasgood.
After all the excitement at ITV and the #Knickergate scandal it was nice to enter suburbia. I was in Richmond, home of the famous park with deer. Unlike Birkenhead Park home of 'Fear'....I'd taken a call from Wendy to say she'd meet me at Richmond station. I asked what car to look out for, she said 'don't worry you'll hear me coming' something I'd heard before via rumours but that was them confirmed I guess #noisysex - who am I to judge. Well she wasn't wrong, I'd only been there 5 minutes when I heard an almighty bang, surely ISIS haven't hit Richmond! Nope it was the car backfiring as it entered the car park. It was like an episode of 'Stars In Their Eyes' 'Tonight Matthew I'm gonna be Wendy Turner Webster' as she appeared from within the smoke. Times were hard since the end of Pet Rescue, she was drivin what she called a 'Clitaurus' a cut n shut Gary got done for her, a Renault Clio/Ford Taurus. Off we went to Turner Webster Towers. Good job I had me headscarf and dark glasses on.....I had a reputation to think off, road rage wasn't the word. She takes no prisoners does Wendy on the road. As we pulled into the gated entrance (gated to keep the riff raff in me thinks) Wendy says 'ring the bell, Gary's in' I'd forgotten about the bell. I gave it a sharp press....
Gary answered the door in a pair of fluffy mules and a pink flowered house coat. 'Dhaaaaaaling, in the words of Cilla step inside love'..... I looked at Wendy. 'Don't ask, he's doin a play about someone called Backdoor Billy or something, it's for his part' I thought yeah, what evs Wendy. A far cry from the tough guy I remember in Minder. I was shown up to me bedroom, it was lovely. I recognised the curtains from a Travelodge, apparently Gary's last job put him up there. 'Make yourself at home said Wendy, I'll put the kettle on'. I was searchin for some coat hangers. Fuck my old boots, I opened the wardrobe and this is what faced me.....
About 3500 boxes of flake bars....I tried to shut the wardrobe quickly but Gary appeared again....he said 'don't ask'....and left the room singing 'I could be so good for you....'
Next stop was the set for the Christmas shows, Julie was already there. She greeted me like a long lost.....viewer. 'Hello, welcome back. Have you ever considered a cruise?' Wendy gave her a slap, she was in Cruise TV mode. Wendy said 'She's off her tits at the mo due to how busy she is' It was great to see them both. Here's the set all ready for filming.
It was an early start the next day, I was fightin with me false eyelashes which were doin me head in. Finally got them on....felt odd being dressed as mother Christmas in October, then I thought of Gary the night before. Suddenly it didn't seem so odd. Great to see Wonderful Wayne as he's known. He can turn his hand to anything, knows how to treat his wood too! He started to talk about his power tool to me which got me excited, but when he moved on to butterfly joints I was trying to self harm with some hot mullered wine. Got a nice pic of him though....he looks thrilled....Mrs Dooer wasn't so happy! She was busy makin a teapot out of a bit of 2 be 2 MDF.
Some lovely people coming and going all day, someone makin handbags out of incontinence pants, I made a Christmas wreath out of a Prawn Ring. One lovely laydee made a Christmas table display from her late husbands artificial leg. Such talent. During the break me an the girls got on to the subject we love most...........men....we had a discussion about how size really does matter, Julie being quite animated in this pic!
Then before you knew it, it was a wrap.... I had to rush to the station to catch the Virgin Pedallo back to Liverpool. I'd drunk that much Mullered wine I didn't know if I was in New Cross, New Delhi or New Jersey! Perfect end to a perfect weekend. I'll let you know when the Christmas specials are going to be aired. In the meantime remember to follow @craftybeggarsTV @juliePeasgood @turnerwebster
See youz Soon
It all started on the 05.26 Virgin Pedallo to Youston, London. I was stood outside the train while Donna from the Dingle was lettin me know she was in charge an not openin the doors until SHE wanted to, me nips were out like ship rivets I was that cold. You could tell she wanted to be an air hostess by the way she was carryin the black plastic bin liner through the cabin. It was obvious the only 747 she would ever work on is the Liverpool to Youston TRAIN, not PLANE! Skank. Little did Donna know that I had once served Rusty Lee in the premium cabin of a British Airways 'Dreamliner' unlike her serving Bob from Birkenhead carrying a 'Binliner'....
Wasn't long before Donna from the Dingle felt the wrath of the Bevlar! I had her little fat legs run ragged. After all I was in the premium cabin, so she was workin for me! Biatch. I was cheered up when Wayne from Widnes brought me a decent bit of sossige with me hot breakfast, he winked at me as he put it down, it got me moist. I slipped him one of me bizness cards. Still waiting for a call. I was off for a meeting at the ITV towers, I needed some bewty sleep before enterin Youston.
Before I knew it I was home, home at the ITV towers. I had overdosed on Virgin tea so needed to head to the laydees room. This is where I got the shock of me life. Whilst the top of the towers are paved in gold, just a few floors down it was a different story. The lavs were Younisex, all the rage apparentlee these days. O M G. Not a bit of armitage shanks in sight, it was like bein at me local take away, the Wong Wei. I had to hover over a hole in the ground, look.
I was tryin to concentrate and take aim but was distracted by the smell of Paco Rabanne and the sound of someone hummin Daniel O'Donnell songs in the next cubicle. Once I'd finished I was out and dryin me hands when I heard those immortal words 'Hi Orrrr Yiew' The hairs on me back stood on end.....it wasn't was it............was it really the Irish Enrikee Inglazias? The man I'd spent sleepless nights tweeting to? The man who'd exchanged late night pictures of his surgical stockings from his hospital bed.....I turned slowly, I was dripping......the hand dryer had stopped suddenly....there he was, like the man from Del Monte in his labia lilac suit....I was transfixed...then he spoke those immortal words..... 'Hoi orr yiew moy little pint of guinness. Have yoi got any bog roll, there's shoit all in that karzy'.... I didn't have any tissue, but I did have a spare pair of knickers in me handbag. He wiped his brow and was gone like a flash....it was over, or so I thought....
I was in shock...I took a wrong turning, bumped into a camp queen with a clip board screamin into a handset 'I found it, it's in leopard print'....looked at me and said 'classless and on benefits, this way. You're on in 5' as he pushed me through some double doors....there he was again... Eamonn was there before me, Mrs Holmes as always was in tow....she caught my eye with her one good eye....it was a venomous look....was I arsed? I was in the same room as Saint Eamonn of the Holmes, I was gonna milk this....Nobody could have predicted what was to happen next....I avoided queenie with the clip board and hid, I waited for my moment, as Martine McKutchington sang, 'My perfect moment' and it couldn't have gone better.
And cut.....was the final words I heard before all hell broke loose....Rook eyed Ruth had spotted it....what looked like a rather snazzy handkerchief in Eamy's pocked was in fact my intimate wear and she was just about to find out....the crew may have called cut, but the cameras were still rolling. Here it is, caught in full tecknyculor glory....Action.
I was out of that place quicker than wink....I was headin over to Richmond to 'Turner Webster Towers'....
To be continued....