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Sunday 30 October 2011

Jim didnt fix it...

well very sad news yesterday about Sir Jimmy Saville...he was a very kind man who raised millions for charity. so RIP Sir Jimmy... on the flip side it brought back painful memories of rejection for me as i wrote to him years ago askin to be a prinsess for the day at Bukingham palis...i kept a copy of the letter and dug it out yesterday... the pain is still there an i think was the korz of sum of me issues with confidense today...but i will get over it one day...




crackin night as per last nite...we tried the new indian restrornt Balti Bobbys...lovely food an got a 20% dizzy with me coopon... then it was karreeokee... My Lena martell blew them away... one song at a time...just havin me home communyon... thick sliced white loaf n a bottle of lambrini... got to be a Goblin tmrw at werk...cant be doin with all that dressin up shite... laterz...

Saturday 29 October 2011

Rugby scrum...


another weekend another sleepless nite... started celebratin early yesterday afternoon... ended up at the local rugby club as got taken there by some bloke who was in Bargain Booze... i woz out of it... woke up this mornin in the communyal bath soakin wet an a bunch of rugby players flashin there nobs n knockin one out at me and on me tites... i waz ragin they were takin pictures of me tryin to get out an didnt offer to help me... Twunts! there was banners up saying RIP Stevie... turns out it waz a wake for a poor rugby player... his family were lovely and said I was the dorter they never had...thats about all i remember... just washin all the muck off me tites.. twice i've washed them in a month...laterz...

Friday 28 October 2011

skrubba day blues...

  
sweet baby yazu... I've bin like Anthea Turner perfect housewoman today... only I've not had time for a bar of flake like she did at her weddin... I've bleached me tee towels... washed me bog floor... had a sweep thru... and done a wash... it's a lovely dryin day here... but nosey naybourhood watch was snoopin... i'm sure he gets off lookin at me hoze-er-ree... now wat to do next... ah stuff it... it's cocktayl hour somewhere in the werld... little glass of chilled... it is friday...

Wednesday 26 October 2011

Klag to Klunge...

oh well here are the pics from me latest modellin job at work... people liked me Far La so much that hed offise contacted me to see if i'd promote there new own brand drain cleaner Klunge... I waz over the moon...Craig with the caterackts did the photo's coz heez cheap...  mite have to re shoot coz i forgot me jewelerry... i feel bare without me sovrin rings... had a manicure too... i ended up goin to Sharm El Sharon's salon Tu Tan Cum In coz she waz offerin 50% dizzy...laterz...

Tuesday 25 October 2011

Bev's embarassin bodys...

off this afternoon... just been lookin for a new bog brush on Freecycle... next thing a Caravan pops up for free!... now you now me n me charitee work... giv giv giv... well i was watchin a programme abowt how sexual health problems are on the rise... d'yerz think anyone wud be interested in visitin Bev in her mobile clinic for a check up? it would be men only to start with... y'see i got me first aid kwalificayshon from work... so i'm practically medically trained... i cud check for all mens helth issues... testikals... proztrates...japs eye infeckshons... no job too small... just a thort... here's how it cud look... I just think id be givin sumthin back to sosietee...laterz...
 

Monday 24 October 2011

i woz viyolayted...

would you beleeve the cheek of it... ad a crackin weeknd as yer all now... i carried on thru the day yesterday but ran out of booze.. nipped out to the offy an had a bit of a tumble off me Timmy Shoo... while i woz down there i thort id av a little kip... then i woke up to hear the sound of money chinkin.... little mare woz makin money out of me wiv a sign sayin Penny For The Guy!!! I waz ragin.... i grabble the little cows money pot... got enuff off her for another few skoops... 

 i nearly hit the brat wiv wat woz left of me lambrini but thort better of it... wudnt waste it... i felt violayted.. I've got her card marked an i now were she lives...laterz...

Sunday 23 October 2011

wat a week...

OMG... wat a week hey... work has been shite as per... fat sue with the smart car pushin her (ample) weight around as supervisor... fat frank has gone frigid on me... tried a cuple of times to get off early with a blowy an heez avin none of it... gonna see if i can slip him a Viagra from pat pone pete... 


Well imagine me horror wen i turned on the telly to watch me omnibus of Life Of Grime the other day... whooz lookin back at me but Larry From Lybia as he called himself.. was he frig Larry... no wonder he was trying to get an invite over when I woz chattin to him on me internet daytin site R Solo Me O... im ded happy for the peeple of Lybia.. 


Well last nite was fab! started off with me usual 5 liter box.. then went to the Frogs Arse pub... sat in our usual place 'X Sector' Alice n Jimmy put on a crackin spread.... little fumble with Jimmy an i get free drinks too.. next stop Ken Wong Wei's place for an all yer can eat buffay.. had to give him the usual chopstick up the arse for a free feed... then best nite ever at the Rice Bar wiv me gays.... it waz Gaydaffi nite to celebrate him snuffin it... everyone was dressed up.. i just wore sunglasses... they were playin peters n lee all nite... the cocktails were fab... my fave was the Tripoli Twunt Blaster... garjus... but nocked me out.. i woke up on poor Larry Parry dear husband and father in the cemetree... came home n had me usual home communyon... laterz...

Tuesday 18 October 2011

Far La to KLUNGE...

OMG... as saint Simon of the Webbe sang... i just now your life is gonna change!... an it is... if you remember I was made the face of our instore perfume Far La... Bev's Far La was a great hit... I had the record for people wanting to sniff my Far La.... well it's been recognised and today I've bin called by Mike Hunt from head offise to say we are launching another own brand product and Bev is to promote it... have a look at Bev's KLUNGE...

Just learnin me lines ready for launch and photo shoot.... I'll keep yer posted... here's a sneak preevew of what I have to say - 'Having trouble with you pipes ladies... tell your man to come and get his hands on Bev's KLUNGE'.... So excited... Laterz...

Monday 17 October 2011

RIP Betty Driver...

very sad to hear that Betty Driver has passed away. She was a true legend in the street and will be sadly missed. I put pen to paper and did one of Bev's famous dittys for the lovely lady.

Betty dear Betty we watched from afar,
Us from our sofa’s while you at the bar.
The years have flown since you served your first drink,
You were loved much more than you might think.

Before the Rovers was the corner shop,
You and your Maggie never caught on the hop.
Sibling rivalry was soon to break out,
A battle for power being what it was about.

Along came Cyril your husband and friend,
Your spats with your sister soon came to an end.
A chat with Jack Walker brought a change of job,
Next stop the Rovers and the Weatherfield mob.

Your time at the Rovers wasn’t always rosy,
You and Annie never really that cosy.
Despite resignations for the bar you’d yearn,
After Annie’s apology, to the Rovers you’d return.

It wasn’t just pints believe it or not,
You were famed for a dish called Betty’s hot pot.
After all these years and changes galore,
Your signature dish is remembered for evermore.

After proposals of marriage and years gone by
Along came Billy who caught your eye.
Life for Betty didn’t always go to plan,
Things made easier with the love of her man.

The day has come for us to say goodbye,
As Betty takes her hot pots to the kitchen in the sky
Alas this ditty is coming to an end,
Our love and goodbyes to Betty we send.

Sunday 16 October 2011

bread and whine...

well well well..... wat a diffrence a Dark Room makes.... that hippacritical twunt at the cherch who banned me for bein Munted a few months ago wen i popped in for a top up of wine an summit to soak it up with on me way home from clubbin it has welcomed me back into his flock... gave me a front row seat and seconds... but d'ya now wat.... I aktually prefer Bev's home made communyon.... so i told him to stick it were the bloke in the dark room had his nob the other nite an stormed out wiv me hed held hi.... you could hear all the old fuckers chokin on there Sanatogins in shock.... nobody puts Bevlar in the corner.....

Saturday 15 October 2011

tuna n trorma...

well it was friday nite... me box was opened and drainin nicely... 3 liters so far... clean tites.. new leggins and dusted down me copy Uggs.... got me Muggs on its gettin cold... still havin to use me sunroof to get in an out of me Cunto... carnt afford to get drivers door put back on... found another voucher from the Bangkok bride magazine 'Thai'd to you'... for the Thai in town.. catch yerz later...
Got home to me own bed for a change and woz woken up with gentle lickin....OMG! Thort I waz bein caressd by a the tungs of a few hot hunks..put me barbie bedside lamp on an its the tungs of friggin Scabby cats..I must've left me window open...there's a half eaten tuna pasta bake I must've cooked wen I got in...its all over me Peppa pig doovay cuver....me bedroom smells like a lezbians house... cats n fish... only doin a cuple of hours today coz they owe me some time.. so tryin to decide what to do.
must tell you about Haribo Harold... I went to work in the week and they asked me to cover in another shop in town...it was the shop thats got Haribo Harold is in.... i couldn't keep a strate face... met him on a corse.. he's got a sexual problem he gets a major stiffy an has to ajackerlate at the smell of haribo... he's not alowd to work in sweets he's on male hi jean... guess what i had in me overall pocket.... a fuckin great bag of Haribo.... the poor sod cudn't get thru his shift with his lazy lob on i kept goin to his aisle and flashin me Haribo... cruel i now but very funny....laterz...

Tuesday 11 October 2011

wont cook carnt be arsed...

i am egzorstid... wat a mornin... lorraine.. jezza kyle.. this mornin... an in the middle of all that been preppin for a ded posh dinner party at mine tonite... its got a bit of a french theme to it... ive dun - Le Twiggletts to start followed by - Coupe d'une soupe de poulet finished off wiv me favrit desert - mini brownies au chocolat... then got a litre of crem de menth to wash it down wiv an a 5 liter box of leebfrowmilk... just layed up me trays even used a liner on them... feet up now... end of this mornin then Baggy Birds...aka Loose Women... Laterz...

Just a kwik update... was all goin so well. the Le Twiggletts went down well to start... then i put the kettle on for the main course of  Coupe d'une soupe de poulet an the bastard fuse went.... i had to put the immershon on for hot water... then by the time they got to the desert they woz a bit twunted... so it went down ok... thanks for all yer tips... but dont think i'll be avin another dinner party any time soon...

Sunday 9 October 2011

charity begins at Bev...

can yerz belieev its Sunday agen already... im egzorsted... been out doin my bit for charity... i know wat yer all thinkin... sheez a slave to her charity work... well that i am.. but i just feel i help the ald girls who get to work at the shops on a monday mornin with all them bags to sort.. so Bev goes and has a rummage easin their workload... win win... got a few bits today.. few sentid candles... cling film cutter.. pair of ankle boots that don't fit but I'll put them on ebay... feet up with a lambrini now...

kwite kwiet at work this week... doin all our halloween bits.. brings more bastard kids into the shop... askin that never herd kwestion... 'how much is dis gerl'... Shit Off is me usual reply.  had a cuple of good nites out.. shudn't do it on a skool nite.. woke up in a hedge this week covered in snail trails... lost the car the other day cudn't remember where I'd left it.. found it outside a corner shop i use (pic below)... crakin nite last nite.. our new local called the Toads Hole.. we call it the Frogs Arse!! Alice n Jimmy run it... they sealed off the snug last nite n called it the X Sector... then went off to the Rice bar an bopped the nite away.. must try n download the new dance version of Agadoo by Daniel O'Donnel... I'm sure thats who they said woz singin it... I was twunted at the time... right.. this glass wont get filled on its own... laterz...

This is were i'd left me Cunto (Corsa n Punto cut n shut)....

Wednesday 5 October 2011

mummy nows best...

well folks as you all now me mum Vanessa Feltz just won't admit i'm her love child... but i will never give up till my hed is restin in that ample buzom. theres nothin she can do to stop me lovin her. well another surprise today... i woke up in the naybors hedge covered in snail trails... don't ask... if yer know of any tips on gettin the stains out of me leggins pop me a messige thru... anyway i agress as the posh folk say... me mum aknowliged me on her show today.. have a listen... laterz...

                                      http://audioboo.fm/boos/493759-mummy-feltz-2

Monday 3 October 2011

winter holiday...

well wat a week bev has had... its been a rollercowster of emoshons with hi's n lows... im now back on the floor sharin me Far La with the public. yes i gave back me supervisor badge last week as i cudn't hack bein the boss. it was hard work... i was openin up, then havin to go all the way back home for a nap.. then nip back for me lunch.. then go shoppin in the afternoon... it was a friggin nightmare... anyway im much happier now an me n Fat Frank agreed Fat Sue wiv the smart car can have it... im lovin givin her greef now...

Wats with this wether... i was up most nites last week takin me tites off in the nite coz it woz so hot... i decided to take a break on friday an took meself off to Talaker in Wales... got together wiv Welsh Wayne from our Kweensferry store... we ad a ball... it was a bit tite in the caravan... but we managed a few good seshons... i ad to keep me legs out the window tho... went out on saturday nite an ended up in someones garden sparko. ive put sum fotos on here... so bev is back... gotta go.. i'm textin this on me till and sum bint is givin me evils an keeps tuttin... skank.. heres some fotos from me weekend. laterz...