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Monday, 30 May 2011

no parking my arse

well bev got a nice surprize today. twiggy got me a prezzie. heez got me a spaz badge from pat pong pete. i can park anywhere now. i mean im still not 100% with me broken nail still healing not to menshon the trorma of being twatted by a fat bird in a smart car eatin a piri piri pasty. its grate now coz i can park owtside primarni an the feathers.

i rekon twiggy is feelin a bit gilty. i found a catalog at his place called 'Thai'd to you' it waz like the argos but wiv all these bleedin little forin gerls in school uniforms wiv chineese eyes. hed circuled one called 'Thai - Basco. hot an spicy chick wiv no dick garanteed. i went mental he said its not his its duckers catalog. we didn't speak for the rest of the day till we went to bed. then he said those 3 little werds am i in. he woz but i didnt tell him.

oh well ive got to trust him if were to make this werk. i mean ive bin no angel lets face it. rite im off to the feathers an gonna park right outside on the duble yellows. wait till skank face denise sees me cunto outside. oh and to those who don't know what me cunto is its me car. mike the mekanic duz cut an shuts ded cheap an he did me a Corsa and a Punto. gets a bit confusin wen the mots are due. if any of yerz are lookin for a cheap runaround eez got a Labia for sale. its an old Lada an a Skoda Fabia cut n shut. Laterz.

Friday, 27 May 2011

viva espanya

its countdownt to the holiday in spain. ive ad me tan done an just ad me bits waxed. ive ad a brazillyan an me vajazzle re done. if yer remember me pubic zerconias went septic so ive ad it dun a bit higher abuv me vaj line. looks lovley an sparkly. iv ad a T an B added for me an twiggs. im ded ecksited. 
just bin for a spray tan at 'tu tan cum in'... shes brort that guy over from sharm el shake she met. there gettin married next week. all very fishy if yer aks me. shell be in bella or take a brake in a few weeks sayin ow shes bin fleeced. ive seen it all before. im a bit worried abowt goin to spain incase im swept off me feet so they can get a visa to come to ingland from spain. i wont be as eezy. well not for less than 100 youros. laterz.

Wednesday, 25 May 2011

its a sine

well frig my moon boots. this is just the spookyest thing ever. twiggy brort me brekfast in bed. iz nob an a peece of towst. finished me starter an woz just abowt to bite into me towst and sweet baby yasu whooz lookin back at me. its a sign from abuv. i now it happend wiv that old bint wiv a tee towel on er hed. an i think it happend wiv the good lord abuv too. im tryin to contact that cliff maxford who made kerry katona a famus celebrity drug taker. ill keep yerz posted.
im still off werk. i mean yer carnt put a time on the trorma of bein hit by a smart car an losin a malibu mantra nail. itll take ages for that to grow back. looks like im gettin me compensayshon check next week. carnt wait. twig haz been an angel. he took me up the caravan at this week for a little brake. just to help me reecooperate. we ad a bit of a mishap. we woz bang at it an e woz doin me up the gary glitter wen the friggin caravan broke loose. i thort not again baby yasu ive suffered enough. next thing weve stopped and crashed into the Hindley an Brady kiddies club on the campsite. i neerly died an me pot noodle scalded me nancy. rite just doin sum online shoppin to see wat i can buy wiv me compensayshon. catch yerz later.

Sunday, 22 May 2011

horses for corses

well thanks to a facebook frend no names menshoned. ive bin contacted by head office coz they moniter showshall netwerk sites. it woz brort to there attenshon that i hadnt passed my CUNT corse Commershal Understanding Nashonal Targets. i aint doin it. last time i went i failed it but i got the highest score on me bubble berst game on me fone. they can skank off. i aint payed enuff to do thees corses. carnt beleev theyve lornched a new corse now that ive got to do. TWATS corse. Targets Within All Trading Stores.
its sundee mornin that can meen only won thing. onken on me monken. an me own holy comunyon. blue stripes thick sliced bred an a bottle of lambrini. twig is away on bizness. eez got a meetin wiv pat pong pete whooz just back from pat eye a wiv sum new stock for twig. ill put iz stock list up wen eez back. wotchin me omnybusses of me soaps. laterz.

Friday, 20 May 2011

the lord giveth

remember yesterdee me bruthers contakted me to send me bank detayls coz thay had sum dosh for me. well me bank maniger sed not to tuch this lot wiv a shitty stick. well e didnt say shitty stick but i new wot e ment. ah well. the lord giveth and the lord nabs it right owt yer friggin hand. it woz nice to think i ad bruthers in nigeereea. carnt believe thay wanted to rob a poor defensless sweet gerl like me. Fuckin skanky twats.
got a fone call today from human reezorses. well its aktually lynne wiv the limp but she rekons she summit else. aksin me wen im comin back to werk. i ad to put er strate. i woz praktically killed by a smart car an a pasty last week. how cud i go back to the place that brings back such paynfull memories. im waitin to see how much compo i get ferst. i mite not av to go back. ill just av me giro an me compo. twig is still beein lovely with me. e sat last nite for nearly an hour pickin the dert out me belly button. wiv is tung. sed it reminded im of that posh cheese. gorgonzowla. cheeky get. im avin a kwiet nite in tonite. 5liter box of lambrini that they got me from the colleckshon at werk. 
av a good weekend. i now i will. laterz.

Thursday, 19 May 2011

life is a rollercoaster

omg! as saint ronan of the keating wud say. life is a rollercoaster. mine is at the mo. wat wiv me mum sort of back in me life. me acksident. me n Twiggy. me compensayshon. now... ive found sum long lost family in nigeerea. got an email sayin i waz there sister an theyve got sum money for me. just gotta send me bank deetayls. they r deffo reel coz thay sent me a pic. wats even more spooky is the similaritee now between me an me mum vanessa. can yerz spot it?
right gotta dash. need to get this email sent am gonna go an see me bank manager to tell him too abowt all this money comin to me. as D Reem once said. things can only get better. laterz.

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

im touched

well it not often that bev gets deep an sentimental unless theres cold hard cash involved. but i wanted to make a seerus post today to say thank you. im not tekky as yerz now but the lady in the libree who helps me (we call her the lady wiv the lump coz shes got a hunch back) showed me how to check the ordience stats. that meens how many peeple and where thee are. i nearly popped a pile. peeple are lookin at me from all rownd the werld. even in playces ive never eard of. ukrane were the frig is that. now if yerz want to offer bev a little holiday in yer cuntry feel free. so me blog is gettin close to 2000 wiv no advertisin or publisity so i just wanted to say a big thank you. i hope yerz like me blog and me site. thank you too for all yerz messages and texts to bevs private line. some of yerz are derty gets but yerz now im brord minded. heres the stats for yerz to see for yerselfs. ive left this post open to comments, so feel free to say hi to bev. keep it cleen. well....cleanish. luv yerz all. laterz. xx
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Tuesday, 17 May 2011

shit a brick

shit a brick i aint ever goin to ireland. on the news they just said the police have carryed owt a controlled ecksploshun in ireland on an IED! ive got won of them up me hoop to stop me gettin pregnant. poor cow bet its left her fanny like a ripped owt fireplace. mite go back to the rithim method. if yerv got any ideas on anuther way to stop me poppin a kid owt let me now.
i'm still sufferin in pain. its lookin like it cud be a few grand compo. fat sue wiv the smart car came round today wiv a pasty an a get well card. sheez ded apolojetic for nockin me down in the car park after i popped a love egg owt and bent down to pick it up.  an i dont hold it agenst her. not that id get anywere near er wiv that fat gut. she bort that smart car coz she said she woz gonna slim into it. yeah rite.
just saw on the news that there are a load of fake pound coins goin round. i got a load from the car park mashine in birkenhead today. all friggin fake. bleedin queens only got a fag in her gob on the coin. bastards. laterz.

Monday, 16 May 2011


oh my god. im avin a kwiet nite in catchin up with some of me ex's. im watchin strangeways. jesus im well shut of david. i lost an onyx coffee table to that twat. right adverts finished. laterz.

i want my mummy

iya guyz n galz. well i dont now were to start. wat a week ive ad, not only woz i nocked down by fat sue in her smart car ive ad all the trorma wiv me mum. well i say me mum i use the term loosly. those hoo hav bin followin me from the start now there woz a bit of a kwestjun mark over me reel mum. she left me dad years ago. now i now not everywon can put up with avin a tranny as a husband but me dad is one in a millyon. well therez prob more trannys than a millyon but he is  the best. ive wonted for nothing. but vanessa who is me reel berth mum is avin non of it. now im beein ded polite and chattin to her on facebook but shes pushin me further away by the day. ill not rest till me heds restin in her buzom.

that aside i ad a great weekend. twiggy az bin a diamond since me acksident. i am the new lady princess diana queen of tarts. i now wat its like to be treeted like royaltee. an my prince az well and truly cum. several times this weekend i carnt get it out of me i fone cover. we ad a great time and went to a crakin party on saturday. dont beleeve sum of the comments about me nickin wine.i woz twatted. skank face denise ad a face like she'd bin duckin for apples in a deep fat fryer. she told sandy scissors that dave said my fanny was like a stab wound on a gorillas back. it reely upset me. wat with all that an the trouble im avin wiv me mum vanessa. put a bit of a dampener on things. but yerz all now bev. ill bownce back. laterz.

Friday, 13 May 2011

true love

i think ive met the one. twig haz treeted me like a real princess sinse me acksident gettin nocked over by fat sue in the smart car. cooked me tee last nite. cudnt find me painkillers so he fed me crem de menth an coke to num the pain. e did me a pedikure wiv is teeth coz we cudnt find the clippers. we laffed too coz e kept sayin me feet stank of cheese. then i remembered i hadnt emptied the grated cheese out me ped egg from me weightwatchers pasta bake from the uther nite.ment to say i managed to get most of the cheese owt. its ded eckspensive that parmyzan stuff. i no now how princess kate of lady diana wales feels.
well im gonna put the pain behind me tonite. ive borrowed iron lung lill from next doors weelchair so twigs gonna weel me down the fethers. we mite stop at the all yer can eat chinees buffay. i fancy a set meal for 4. twig will just ave the buffet. laterz.

Thursday, 12 May 2011

omg... bevs bin in hozzy

iya. hope yerz all ok. what a cuple of days ive had. ive been in hozzy. got nocked down by fat sue in her smart car. silly fat cow ad er hed berried in a new pirri pirri chickin pasty. i popped one of me luv eggs, bent over to pick it up an bang ive got a hairdryer on wheels lodged on top of me.. im hopin for sum compensayshon. got home tonite an twiggys dun me me tee. pirri pirri pasty n chips. i nearly vomited. ill never able to look that or a smart car in the eye agen. giv er er dew she put er pasty down while she licked the flakey bits off the steerin wheel. good job i ad me puffa jakit on.
disiplinery went ok the uther day. i woz like eddy the eegle skee jumper in that office wiv a nob in each hand. i brort it to a satisfactory koncluyshon if yer get me drift. rite im off for a crem de menth an coke to settle me nervs. them nurses earn there money in them hospitals. i ad em run raggid. well i payz me taxes. catch yerz later.

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

ode to this morning

well im on a roll today. it just takes me uneckspektedly. again adult content. no offense to anyone mentioned in me powems. i love em all.

This Mornings a show Bev couldn't live without,
I fancy our Phil without a doubt.
Don't get me wrong Hollys quite fit,
I wouldn't say no to a chomp on her tit.

From lumpy bollocks to problem tits,
Phil always has me rolling in fits.
He never knows where to put his eyes,
I dream of his head inbetween me thighs.

Phil an Holly are always so jolly,
when he was with Fern they'd be off their trolley.
Alas my love to you both I do send,
I'm off now to dream about Phil's big bell end.

ode to loose wimin

im sure yerz all now that bev az a gift wiv powetree. it just takes me every now an then. bit like twiggy. heres me ode to the lovely loose wimin. contains adult content but yer new that when yer cliked on me blog! laterz.

Bev watches Loose Women almost every day,
even in work or off on sick pay.
Yer all quite sexy an full of wit,
sometimes when I'm watchin I'll ave a play with me clit.

Denise an Colleen the dirtiest pair,
3rd is that Sherrie with her bleach blonde hair.
Andrea an Kate keepin things on the right track,
I still miss our Jane an her massive rack.

The guests sometimes I can take or leave,
some are so horny I can hardly breathe.
If you've got room on yer show for a shop shelf stacker,
give me a call, the names Beverly Macca.

Monday, 9 May 2011

new faces

were do the weekends go. anuther good one and twiggy stayed over. im off today so watchin all that mornin telly. krakin pare of shoes on lozza kelly today. ive just twatted her on tweeter to aks were she got them. some soft shite on there makin faces owt of bits of towst. eez off that britins got talent. id be shite at that coz id be eatin the friggin towst before i cud make the face. bit of a shit job if yer aks me. i must admit tho i wonce saw the face of saint jane (mcdonald) of the cruise in a skid mark on me sheet. i think it woz a sine. not a sine in a spooky way. just a sine i ad to change me sheets. i loved saint jane. i wanted her to be me mum till i fownd owt about vanessa feltz being me berth mum. even though she wont admit it.

its me disiplinery tmoz so need to brush up on me defense. well i need to practise a couple of blowys on twig. its jack off joe from head office an fat frank doin it. so they wont be too hard to swallow if yer get me drift. got me way in tonite at slimmin werld too. im goin with cheryl she makes me feel like twiggy. think ive lost a bit. ill keep yerz posted. av a good munday. laterz.

Sunday, 8 May 2011

are farther who art in heven

well its sunday mornin. that can only meen one thing. bevs holy comunyon. its ded nice wakin up with twiggin in me now too. sumtimes he duzent even wake me up e just dumps iz muck an goes back to sleep.. eez ded thortful like that. we ad a nice time last nite. nothing too wild not sure were we ended up. found 27 empty minatchures in me handbag an a bottle of absinth. were goin to a cuntry house today coz twigs nicked a membership card for the national front who let yer go into big posh houses. not sure if we'll see inside the house e wants to try a bit of doggin in there car park. were goin to come home via the fethers for a roast. a perfict sunday really. just lisenin to me fave group wet wet wet....that marti pellow makes me fanny go drip drip drip... laterz.

Saturday, 7 May 2011

veeva ispanya

well the bevlar kraked it last nite with twiggy. gave im a good sesh even experymented wiv toys. i only ad me god dorters barbie doll but e seemed to like it strokin iz balls. then this mornin e ad another go then e sed those three little werds. no not - is it in.... wanna go away. were goin to spayne an i carnt wait to taste there food an see there kultur. wonder if the fry ups will taste diffrent. im lookin on the web to see were the inglish bars are. im gonna lern sum spanish too.

im on a half day today so gonna nip to primarni an see wat summer owtfits i can get. we are goin to book it too this salvo. i love im so much eez genkle an carin an eez not selfish. e lets me cum ferst. ive gotta nip to the kemist now coz me vajazzle az gon septic. me pubic zerconia az vanished under a big yellow boil. twig tried to berst it with iz teeth this mornin but it woz tuff as old boots. ill let yerz now wat appens. av a good day. i now i will. laterz.

Friday, 6 May 2011

friggin cheek

im owt for blud tonite. im ragin an yer can see me blud boilin under me skin. that skank denise royle az bin mowthin off abowt me. i heard today that she haz bin tellin peeple that dave said my fanny is like a ripped owt fireplace an that ive been shot over more times than sarajevo whatever that iz. she better not come within a friggin mile of me tonite. twig is tryin to calm me down with a cuple of large crem de menth an cokes wiv an absinth chaser. ill let yerz now how it gows. laterz.

vowtin done

god theese vowtin days get on me tits. i ad to do it yesterday id never eard of the AV anti vegiterian party but i sed no to it anyway coz sum of me mates are vegiterian. fat frank told me abowt them yesterday. i ad to vote for summit else too so i look at there photos an see wich won id shag first an vote for them. i always put me mobile number in the box too. yer never now do yer. i cud see meself as a poliytishans wife.

i fownd owt that jack off joe at hed office an fat frank will be doin me disiplinery next week so that wont be too hard to swallow if yer get me drift.. im on promoshons agen today so just lettin folk sniff me Far La. sales are goin ded well fat frank rekons.

well its giro day today so happy days. gonna treet twiggy to iz tea owt tonite ive got a lowd of holiday browshures im gonna take an drop the hint agen. that compensayshon is burnin a hole in his pokit. eyebeetha here we cum. rite im off to flog me far la. laterz.

Wednesday, 4 May 2011

disaplinery agen

not ad a grate day. woz late an lynne wiv the limp woz me superviser. gave er the eye to soften her up but she woznt avin any of it. she puts me on toys n games. so i did a little display of sum of are latest toys. next minit she calls me into the office and sayz lowds of muthers have bin kickin off sayin my display was offensive. wots rong with it. ave a look yerselves. im gonna appeel.

off to the fethers now to get pissed an forget abowt hop along. laterz.

Tuesday, 3 May 2011

the lost weekend

jesus i feel like bridgit jones... dear diaree... well i just lost 2 days of me life. 3 if yer include me an Sammi from sireea and friday nite. ive decided not to take him up on his kind offer of a new life in sireea an a leopard skin abiya or what ever they call them. Ive heard i carnt eat bakon there so its a no no.

Ad a great day at the feathers Sunday. beer garden was packed. skank feetures denise was smirkin but i wiped the smile off er face when she saw the pics of my fun time in lundon. that'll learn er. I koppped a feel of Dave on the bouwncy castle too an leggins lorraine saw it too. I only went on it coz fat Sue wiv the smart car was pissed and climbed on. next thing all the kids are usin her as an extenshon of the castle.

Twiggy woz ded romantik too. e got me a poke of  chips an we watched the sun go down over the iceland car park. Then e did me up the Asda.... his mate is security there an lets us do it in the bakery seckshon. Twig gets turned on by the smell of bred. who needs poppers when twiggs can cum kwiker than the 38 bus with one sniff of a poppyseed bloomer. right. I carnt stop as im on earlys tmrow an lynne wiv the limp is on duty. ive heard iron lung lil next door put the cat out so shell be turning off her internet any minute no.....................