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Monday, 28 March 2016

With One Look...

As the wonderful and great Dame Norma Of The Desmond Once Sang 
'I'll be back where I was born to be'

That was on the London to Youston for another adventure and important meeting. It all started on the Sunday afternoon Pedallo from Liverpool Lime Street. I had to get away for a couple of days as the court case over me and his holiness the Lord Mayor was about to start. Painful memories of a rough ride in the Princesses Pretty Box with his holiness rippin at me Christmas leggins.... 

Anyway, I agress as the posh people say...On a lighter note I boarded the train...had a little dream seekwence that Olly Murs comes runnin down the platform askin for me to get off and marry him....instead it was a platform attendant wavin an empty bottle of lambrini at me I'd left in the lounge...Yes, I was in the premium cabin....I was soon into another bottle, I was offered a light snack....I declined, I just managed a finger on the 17.47.....all was good until Stafford when what turned out to be an asian, male Adele tribute act got on and sat opposite me...I'm guessing he was an Adele tribute as all I got for the next hour was 'Hello, can you hear me' as he kept losing his signal. 

As always I had to take me head gay down with me, he does some translayshon for me as the cockernees can't always understand me. Got to Youston and that's where everyone suddenly appears miserable an in a rush.... I sat on the tube and wanted to dance through the train singing Pharrell William's Happy.... Look at the gobs on them all..... 

I had to be up early the next morning coz the lovely Lorraine Kelly had said to pop by and say hello. Had a good night's kip at the Waterloo Travelodge....I checked me bed and shower to make sure Lenny Henry was hiding... You never know...I've seen the commercials...glad to say he wasn't.

So me alarm went off at cock o clock...fabreezed me tites and leggins and off we went. I was like Norma Desmond as she arrives back in the movie studio as I looked up at the ITV sign and building....I was back where I was born to be...... The signs were there.....

I was ushered by security to round the back of Lorraine's gaff, I was tryin her back door but it was locked tight. Head gay went around the front while I was bangin hell out of her window....I'm sure I saw her hiding behind the sofa, probably owes council tax...her windows were filthy... 

I was stopped by the floor manager who was havin none of it, next minute I'm outside Coleen Nolan's dressing room, I knew it was her coz I could smell the bensons and she was whistling I'm in the mood for dancing... AGAIN. Then bold as brass head gay comes out of the studio all smiles and with a picture of him and Lorraine! I was fewmin! 

Then to top it all he's only been chattin to Ruth Langsford! Apparently he asked her if she'd have a picture with me but she refused on the grounds that she's not happy about my on line flirting with her hubby! He wishes.... Here they are... 

He did manage to get us front row seats for Loose Women, or Baggy Birds depending on who is on the panel that day! We went to the theatre that night to see Billy Elliott....crackin show... sweet baby yazu....I was second row and could I see the older Billy's Nutcracker in the second wouldn't want that on yer lip as a wart I'm tellin yer!

Next day was the important meeting. Edible Erron the garjus man behind the workings of GMB had invited me to sit in the gallery. It's like the star ship enterprise, blows me away every time. He's garjus too! I could imagine him counting me down in the bedroom! Here's his tool - 

Well a trip to ITV wouldn't be the same without popping up to see Mr and Mrs Daytime. Holly and Phil. Always made welcome there thanks to the lovely Izzy and Tim. Look who gegged in on the photo.... 

Had a quick pick at Phil Vickery's meat and headed off to So Ho. Meeting was with the lovely peeps at Keith Bishop Associates. I was interviewed by what were like Charlie's Angels, or more like Keith's Kittens! We had a good old laugh, and happy to say I'll be working with them. So exciting times ahead. Check out their website for more details.

Hope you've had a great Easter. I'm off to force Percy Pig down me mouth!

Love and Kisses

Sunday, 27 March 2016

The Non Reelijus Story Of Easter...

Wishing you all a very Merry Easter on this baby Jesus's Choklit Weekend. As I sit down to tipe this non reelijust story of Easter, I've got me own home made communyon ready. A mighty white loaf (Jesuses body) And a large bottle of Lambrini (Jesuses blood).

Once upon a time a long long way away there was a man called Jesus. He was a popular man and had lots of friends, mainly men. They would often meet up with other men at Ye Olde Inn near Bethleehem for a lads night out. Images of Ye Inn still remain.

They often met up for long lunches and laughed into the early evening discussing how to wear a cassock, over the shoulder or wrap under. They spent hours discussing this and another of their favourite pass times, cooking. Jesus often told the story of how a load of friends turned up once and he managed to stretch a seeded uncut hovis and an Iceland family pack of fish fingers to 5000 people. That became his party piece, everyone humoured him coz everyone knows they are cook from frozen and his freezer was bust that week. 

One week they were all sat at Ye Olde Inn listening to Liza Minelli on a loop when one of them suggested 'why don't we go on Cometh Dineth With Me...eth' They all clutched their rosary beads and yelled with exitement. Before you could say holy water the application was in to Ye Olde Channel 4...they waited patiently until one day a pigeon arrived with news from Damascus. 'You have been selected for the next series of Cometh Dineth With Me...eth' Now began the hard task, what to cook! 

Now Jesus had become quite lonely and was getting bored with his shallow friends. So he went onto a dating site called 'Ye Olde Grindr' where you can meet new friends. One day he was looking through the many profiles and he saw 'Judy, Bethleehem NOW' Something wasn't write with this picture, he was convinced he recognised the latex cassock and Yazus sandles. That was it, the florrin finally dropped. It was Judas! Jesus dropped his iCeaser phone to the floor, what was he to do? Does he tell everyone? It was a dilemma.

The day had finally come when they were to appear on Cometh Dineth With Me...eth. The menu's were done, Judas (call me Judy) was cooking. They all met up and the table was set. Then it was time to nip up the stairs to have a look around the house. They were having a right old laugh, but Jesus noticed a closed box room door. Curiositee got the better of him, he took himself away from the others, turned the handle and walked of Kylie, Judy Garland and more adorned the walls. There were several leather cassocks and a gold larme hood with matching gloves. The door closed behind him! 'Judas' he cried, there was Judas with a dripping marigold and a raw piece of meat, (looked like a ham shank). 'Why did you come into this room Jesus?' Jesus was speechless. 'That was you on ye olde grindr wasn't it Jesus?' Was Jesus's sekrit out? Was the cassock actually leather or pvc?

Later there was an awkward silence, until over the pudding Jesus had to go and offload some catering. The sauce over his ham shank had been too rich. When he returned to the table they all kicked off their yazus sandles and stared? 'What have I done asked Jesus' I sprayed ye olde fabreeze, just give it a minute. Judas said, 'they know all about your profile' They all clutched their rosary beads again and squealed. With that Jesus grabbed his iCeaser phone and a hot cross bun Judy had baked and fled the house. 

Days passed and there was no sign of Jesus. His friends searched hi and low for him, but nothing. Until Sundee mornin, Judy was hangin out a black wash from last night on the cross and it came to him..... the cave....where they used to play Adam n Eve.... Judas got all his friends together and they head towards their old haunt....and they approached they could smell that familiar smell.... had been years since ye olde cadburys had shut down, but they still remembered that they approached the cave there he was.....forcing a Percy Pig down his mouth.... Jesus and his one true love in life.... Choklit.... they all embraced and explained that night around the table they were ready to accept him for whoever he was....they had choreographed a show piece to 'I Am What I Am' but he had legged it before they could do so.

The moral of this old historical story is that we should get on with and love eachother, no matter what yer cassock is made of! Happy Easter.