Crafty Bugger To Chatty Mare

Well I now know how Kim LardASSian feels. I've been pipped by the paps again, the story is out. Yes, I'm in talks with the lovely Gary Webster and his garjus wife Wendy Turner Webster to bring you 'A Night On The Aisles'. Back to Londin on 18th November for production meeting for pilot and stayin in the 'Minder' suite. Read the full story here - http://www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/news/crafty-chatty-beverly-macca-12109921

A fun week too at the wireless. If you never 'Aird' of Stephanie Aird then you must go and take a look at her videos. I was awake at cock o clock one morning and discovered one of her videos. With the power of soshial media I managed to contact her to have her on me Satdee show. Had a great time, even though she was late. Me koleegs did a wind up and said I was a 'Diva' and I was furious they were late. She got me back when she pretended the video had finished, I ended up showin me jowels to the whole internet. Here's the unedited version. Enjoy. 

She's a thirsty mare, 9 bottles of Lambrini later she got arsy over who's bottle it was. She's from Hartlepool, only to be expected I guess. It's Ian I feel sorry for her, her fella. Can't get a word in edgeways. He couldn't take his eyes off me rack, and I'm not talkin ribs!

Right, I'm still in me bed at 4pm on a Sundee. Ah well, the sweet baby yazu says it's a day of rest. Got to get up and air me Charlie soon. I'm gettin the look!

Laterz. Bev XX 

Pee Ess....If you haven't seen any of me Crafty Beggars Tips on Telly then here they are. X 

Tip 2

Tip 3

Tip 4

Tip 5

************************

I could be so good for you....

It's beginnin to look a lot like Christmas! Well it was down in London last week. I was invited back for more community service to film three Christmas specials of 'Crafty Beggars In The House' with the lovely Wendy Turner Webster & Julie Peasgood. 

After all the excitement at ITV and the #Knickergate scandal it was nice to enter suburbia. I was in Richmond, home of the famous park with deer. Unlike Birkenhead Park home of 'Fear'....I'd taken a call from Wendy to say she'd meet me at Richmond station. I asked what car to look out for, she said 'don't worry you'll hear me coming' something I'd heard before via rumours but that was them confirmed I guess #noisysex - who am I to judge. Well she wasn't wrong, I'd only been there 5 minutes when I heard an almighty bang, surely ISIS haven't hit Richmond! Nope it was the car backfiring as it entered the car park. It was like an episode of 'Stars In Their Eyes' 'Tonight Matthew I'm gonna be Wendy Turner Webster' as she appeared from within the smoke. Times were hard since the end of Pet Rescue, she was drivin what she called a 'Clitaurus' a cut n shut Gary got done for her, a Renault Clio/Ford Taurus. Off we went to Turner Webster Towers. Good job I had me headscarf and dark glasses on.....I had a reputation to think off, road rage wasn't the word. She takes no prisoners does Wendy on the road. As we pulled into the gated entrance (gated to keep the riff raff in me thinks) Wendy says 'ring the bell, Gary's in' I'd forgotten about the bell. I gave it a sharp press....

https://www.audioboom.com/boos/5167468-turner-webster-towers-doorbell?t=0

Gary answered the door in a pair of fluffy mules and a pink flowered house coat. 'Dhaaaaaaling, in the words of Cilla step inside love'..... I looked at Wendy. 'Don't ask, he's doin a play about someone called Backdoor Billy or something, it's for his part' I thought yeah, what evs Wendy. A far cry from the tough guy I remember in Minder. I was shown up to me bedroom, it was lovely. I recognised the curtains from a Travelodge, apparently Gary's last job put him up there. 'Make yourself at home said Wendy, I'll put the kettle on'. I was searchin for some coat hangers. Fuck my old boots, I opened the wardrobe and this is what faced me..... 

About 3500 boxes of flake bars....I tried to shut the wardrobe quickly but Gary appeared again....he said 'don't ask'....and left the room singing 'I could be so good for you....'

Next stop was the set for the Christmas shows, Julie was already there. She greeted me like a long lost.....viewer. 'Hello, welcome back. Have you ever considered a cruise?' Wendy gave her a slap, she was in Cruise TV mode. Wendy said 'She's off her tits at the mo due to how busy she is' It was great to see them both. Here's the set all ready for filming.

It was an early start the next day, I was fightin with me false eyelashes which were doin me head in. Finally got them on....felt odd being dressed as mother Christmas in October, then I thought of Gary the night before. Suddenly it didn't seem so odd. Great to see Wonderful Wayne as he's known. He can turn his hand to anything, knows how to treat his wood too! He started to talk about his power tool to me which got me excited, but when he moved on to butterfly joints I was trying to self harm with some hot mullered wine. Got a nice pic of him though....he looks thrilled....Mrs Dooer wasn't so happy! She was busy makin a teapot out of a bit of 2 be 2 MDF. 

Some lovely people coming and going all day, someone makin handbags out of incontinence pants, I made a Christmas wreath out of a Prawn Ring. One lovely laydee made a Christmas table display from her late husbands artificial leg. Such talent. During the break me an the girls got on to the subject we love most...........men....we had a discussion about how size really does matter, Julie being quite animated in this pic!

Then before you knew it, it was a wrap.... I had to rush to the station to catch the Virgin Pedallo back to Liverpool. I'd drunk that much Mullered wine I didn't know if I was in New Cross, New Delhi or New Jersey! Perfect end to a perfect weekend. I'll let you know when the Christmas specials are going to be aired. In the meantime remember to follow @craftybeggarsTV @juliePeasgood @turnerwebster 

See youz Soon

Bev

XX 

When Irish thighs are smiling....

It all started on the 05.26 Virgin Pedallo to Youston, London. I was stood outside the train while Donna from the Dingle was lettin me know she was in charge an not openin the doors until SHE wanted to, me nips were out like ship rivets I was that cold. You could tell she wanted to be an air hostess by the way she was carryin the black plastic bin liner through the cabin. It was obvious the only 747 she would ever work on is the Liverpool to Youston TRAIN, not PLANE! Skank. Little did Donna know that I had once served Rusty Lee in the premium cabin of a British Airways 'Dreamliner' unlike her serving Bob from Birkenhead carrying a 'Binliner'....

Wasn't long before Donna from the Dingle felt the wrath of the Bevlar! I had her little fat legs run ragged. After all I was in the premium cabin, so she was workin for me! Biatch. I was cheered up when Wayne from Widnes brought me a decent bit of sossige with me hot breakfast, he winked at me as he put it down, it got me moist. I slipped him one of me bizness cards. Still waiting for a call. I was off for a meeting at the ITV towers, I needed some bewty sleep before enterin Youston. 

Before I knew it I was home, home at the ITV towers. I had overdosed on Virgin tea so needed to head to the laydees room. This is where I got the shock of me life. Whilst the top of the towers are paved in gold, just a few floors down it was a different story. The lavs were Younisex, all the rage apparentlee these days. O M G. Not a bit of armitage shanks in sight, it was like bein at me local take away, the Wong Wei. I had to hover over a hole in the ground, look. 

I was tryin to concentrate and take aim but was distracted by the smell of Paco Rabanne and the sound of someone hummin Daniel O'Donnell songs in the next cubicle. Once I'd finished I was out and dryin me hands when I heard those immortal words 'Hi Orrrr Yiew' The hairs on me back stood on end.....it wasn't was it............was it really the Irish Enrikee Inglazias? The man I'd spent sleepless nights tweeting to? The man who'd exchanged late night pictures of his surgical stockings from his hospital bed.....I turned slowly, I was dripping......the hand dryer had stopped suddenly....there he was, like the man from Del Monte in his labia lilac suit....I was transfixed...then he spoke those immortal words..... 'Hoi orr yiew moy little pint of guinness. Have yoi got any bog roll, there's shoit all in that karzy'.... I didn't have any tissue, but I did have a spare pair of knickers in me handbag. He wiped his brow and was gone like a flash....it was over, or so I thought....

I was in shock...I took a wrong turning, bumped into a camp queen with a clip board screamin into a handset 'I found it, it's in leopard print'....looked at me and said 'classless and on benefits, this way. You're on in 5' as he pushed me through some double doors....there he was again... Eamonn was there before me, Mrs Holmes as always was in tow....she caught my eye with her one good eye....it was a venomous look....was I arsed? I was in the same room as Saint Eamonn of the Holmes, I was gonna milk this....Nobody could have predicted what was to happen next....I avoided queenie with the clip board and hid, I waited for my moment, as Martine McKutchington sang, 'My perfect moment' and it couldn't have gone better.

And cut.....was the final words I heard before all hell broke loose....Rook eyed Ruth had spotted it....what looked like a rather snazzy handkerchief in Eamy's pocked was in fact my intimate wear and she was just about to find out....the crew may have called cut, but the cameras were still rolling. Here it is, caught in full tecknyculor glory....Action.

I was out of that place quicker than wink....I was headin over to Richmond to 'Turner Webster Towers'....

To be continued....

Bev X 

On Air

Well we are now 3 episodes into 5 of Crafty Beggars In The House TV show. Wendy Turner Webster and Julie Peasgood took the gamble and put Bev On The Box! 

We had a hoot filming and the girls learned some top tips, and they weren't all about crafting! Coming soon will be better quality video of me 'Alternative Crafty Tips' in the meanwhile here's tips 2 and 3...4 and 5 to follow! Enjoy! 

Tip 3

Following on from Tip 3 here's Tip 4

And finally, here's Tip 5

You can watch Crafty Beggars In The House on Sky 539 Virgin 269 Freeview 63 Freesat 651 Tuesday evenings at 8pm, repeated through the week. Also available on iPlayer too. Details of Crafty Beggars on their website - http://www.craftybeggars.tv/

Love Bev

XXXX

Bezza and Jezza

Well I tumbled outta bed and stumbled to the shower, only cold water coz I had no lecky power, stretchin, yawnin drank some 5Alive....It was a normal Satdee morning, had to do me community service as per usual. Me destination was Neo Community Cafe, an amazing group of people headed up by Ema and Jen. They take food that would have been dumped and give it to those who need it most. I've put a link to their website below. So I turns up and there's Ema and Jen organisin everyone, quick pic with the girls and Adam.

I was given me apron and told to slice some baps, it was like preparin for a Northern funeral, 50 baps, you slice I'll scrape....I was workin with Gill, she used to be a stripper at the Tranmere Tramps n Vamps club. I was listenin to her story of gettin a ping pong ball stuck after an attack of cramp during her act, I was fascinated. Then I overhead somethin from in me good ear....all of a sudden Gill's stuck ping pong ball became bornin.....I heard them immortal words 'Jeremy is 2 minutes away' All my life I'd dreamt of meetin the man I grew up with....the mother Theresa of daytime telly....I pretended I was still listenin about  her ping pong ball, but no I was makin plans. Here's me Gill n Jamie.

So Jeremy is on his way! All I could think was DNA tests, lie detector tests and a free night in a hotel before the show. I was tryin hard to show some enthusiasm spreadin them baps but I couldn't concentrate. Then I heard them immortal words....'Jeremy is here' Everyone was rushin round like blue arsed flies, I just applied some of me 'labia lillac' lippy and waited for our paths to cross....next minute he's brought in and given a pair of medical gloves and told to make pizza with the kids. Only turns out he was on community service too! I was shocked, my childhood hero wasn't the clean cut guy he appears. Here he is makin pizza with some of the other inmates here!

I was shocked how he'd aged, I'd seen him on my box so many times but he seemed grey and had grown a beard. I knew it was him though when he asked one of the children 'do you know who your real dad is?' Never off duty Jeremy, that's why we love him. Next minute his pizza was fed through me hatch, here's Jeremy's pizza someone shouted. I stared at it, this had been made by the hands of the 'Duke of Drama TV' and I had it in my grasp....I couldn't help but touch it....with me lips! A moment I shall remember for ever, I gently kissed his cheesy creation before poppin it in the oven....

Then before I knew it I was summoned before the man himself....'get me the wench who cooked my pizza' the master had spoken, next minute I was thrust before him. 'You smell divine' he said, 'that's me Far Lar' I replied, blushing like a young girl meeting One Direction....quick photo and I was whisked away back to the dishes....quicker than you could say DNA....well that photo is now me screensaver....me and Jeremy Kyle 2gether 4eva....

Well that's it, just another quiet day in the life of Beverly Macca the Pound Shop Shelf Stacker! Here's the final photo call with the whole team at Neo Community Cafe. For more details on the wonderful work they do visit this website - http://www.neocommunitycafe.org.uk/

Love Bev

XXXX

Lights....Camera....Action

Well it's finally on air! Tuesday 6th September saw the first episode of series 3 of Crafty Beggars In The House with Wendy Turner Webster and Julie Peasgood. Your truly was unleashed onto the viewing public with me alternative crafty tips! Due to predictive text viewing figures went through the roof due to thousands on Twitter reading that I was showing off my alternative crafty 'Tits' Apologies for any disappointment caused, that show can be found on the adult channel.

Tip 1 was what to do if you can't find your cheese grater when you're about to serve up tea to yer guests. Simples, you dig out yer ped egg or peddi file for hard skin. Perfect and effective solution. I have been informed that some friends won't be attending any of me pasta nights since seeing that episdode. Always thinking! Tip 2 which airs on Tuesday 13th September at 8pm is called 'Lazy Loafers' Again, top tip for the single person who's entertaining guests. 

Well if you want to know when and where you can watch 'Crafty Beggars In The House' all listed below. 

Every Tuesday evening at 8pm for the next 4 weeks sees the new episodes. Then there are repeats through the week of that week's episode.

http://www.craftybeggars.tv/content/

A huge thanks to both Julie and Wendy for giving me this opportunity. Two very talented and VERY funny ladies I'm pleased to now call friends. Coming soon - 'Crafty Beggars At Christmas'

XX

Thanks for watching

Bev

XXXX

On Air

Well it's offishal, I'm goin live on the box! The TX dates are set (TX is telly talk for the day n time its on) and I can reveal that the premiere of Series 3 Crafty Beggars In The House airs on Tuesday 6th September at 8pm! If yer look above yer can see the channels and dates of the other shows! Also some news to share, I've been asked to go back and film 3 Christmas specials with the girls! Got some top tips up me sleeve and will be goin head to head with Kirsty Allsop! Her home made Christmas costs a bloody fortchoon!

Hope you enjoy the show!

Bev

XXXX

Pipped By The Paps

Well this makes a change, normally in the Crimewatch Monthly! News of me Crafty Tips TIPS has hit the press. Big thanks to everyone who's supported me espeshally Wendy and Julie for giving me the opporchoonity to hopefully bring a smile to your lovely faces. Not just the Echo tho....look who else picked it up.... Only The Wirral Globe!

I'll keep you posted when it's going to air....Take care, loves ya.

Bev XX

Bev On The Box....

If you choon in to the Wirral Radio Breakfast show, you'll know I do Bev On The Box, telling you about what's coming up on Telly. This entree in me diary is about something else....

Well it all started on a sunny Satdee mornin onboard the 6.45am Virgin Pedallo. Kicked off me Timmy Shoos and popped me cankles up awaiting me full Inglish breakfast as I was in the Premium Cabin.... Not a sausage....no, or bacon or eggs! Lovely Scottish woman came thru with the trolley, couldn't understand a word she said, sumthink about deep fried and bagpipes I think. Anyways she held up what looked like a muffin, and I pointed to the pot with the tea in it. Well me tea was luke warm and as for the suspect muffin....I nearly choked. It was like eatin Loft Insulayshun. Apparentlee it's called a Pan Oh Tony, well Tony needs to have a word with Dame Mary Of The Berry! Worst of all was it's forrin food, as we'd just left the EYou I thought it a bit insensitive of Virgin to serve ! Here it is - 

The object of travellin down to London was to do some filming with the lovely Julie Peasgood and Wendy Turner Webster. They have a production company called 'Good Turn Productions' and have a show called 'Crafty Beggars In The House' The laydees had been followin me and liked some of me craft tips, especially me Christmas ones, 'Bev's Home Made Christmas'. I was on root to Richmond, a ded ded posh part of London. I arrived in Richmond and after nearly chokin on the loft insulayshun I felt I needed to eat somthing proper. I found a lovely likkle place who were advertising breakfast. The cocknee laydee who took me order was lovely, couldn't understand a word she said so I got her to write it down. Then came a lovely breakfast, orringe juice - the face on her when I asked if she served Sunny Delight... You'd have thunk I'd asked her to shit on the table. Even the tea was diffrent, no bags just leaves. Me driver was on root to pick me up so I asked for the bill..... Sweet baby yazu....bearin in mind I can get a full inglish, tea, sunny delight and the read of a paper for £2 at Sheila's Meals in Birkenhead. The bill.................. £239.50 I near shit! Apparently I'd paid extra for the napkin and brown sauce. Here's the offendin breakfast - 

After the shock of the most expensive breakfast in the werld I stepped outside and another shock....my fashion had hit Richmond! Looked like me long lost mum - 

Didn't take long for me breakfast to pass through, it's me irritible bowel....I had to look for a toilet, nipped into Richmond station thinkin they'll be a nice clean carzee. Clean....clean....not only was it clean they even have readin material and refreshments in there....can of lager and a copy of Men Only greeted me in the disabled kewbikle. Had to nip in there coz me case was too big. Talk about the North/South Divide, best you get up here is an old copy of Metro, and that's to wipe yer arse with! 

Before I knew it me driver had arrived...the lovely Patrick. He whisked me off to Hizelworth and the home of Wendy Turner Webster who had a set for the show and filming. I pressed the doorbell and the Minder theme choon started playing....(her husband was in Minder)....then I'm taken on set to meet the girls....they looked lovely....caked in make up for the kamras and if anyone tells you TV puts 10 pounds on yer weight it's rubbish! They looked as big in the flesh as they do on screen! I bought the girls some choklit to break the ice with and went to offer them a Flake each....they were snatched out me hands quicker than wink....how was I to know Wendy's sister Anthea had an allergy to them and she wouldn't have them in the house. I went up to the green room, I say green room, it was more cream room. I was getting changed when all of a sudden I heard duff, duff duff duff duff.... Gary had entered the bedroom (he's now in Eastenders) 'Alright Treakle' he said....asked me if I fancied a jellied eel.... I ran and locked meself in the bathroom.... when I came out he'd gone....he was quite cute...then it was time for me close up as they say in Sunset Boulevard... I'm ushered to the set and put next to the girls....they looked a bit intimidayted, after all I'm only a cheeky size 4/6 women often are....as soon as I sat down I heard the director shout 'we need a wide angle' I had to agree with him but didn't want to upset Julie or Wendy. Trevor his name was, he couldn't take his eyes off me rack....and I'm not talking ribs! Here we are ready for our filming - 

And here's 'One Take Trevor' zoomin in on me rack! Such a gentlemen he was too!

Well before I knew it all five episodes were in the can as they say in the telly world. It was time to say goodbye and head back to Youston for the Virgin Pedallo home. I can't tell you what me tips were coz they're a sekrit, I think you will like them....especially the one involving jam! I was made so welcome and everyone was so friendly, even after the choklit incident! Patrick ushered me back to the station in his Mondayo, he'd left the heated seat on....me arse was on fire but I didn't want to sound ungrateful an ask him to turn it off.... I think he wanted me out of me leggins but Julie was geggin in in the back.... On the train back to Youston we stopped at a station that brought back some memrees.... Not that I'd bin there but I remember one of me exes saying this is what I do to men in the bedroom - 

It was a lovely ride home...had a box of Lambrini for the journey home....wasn't that hungry. The steward on the train offered me a finger, I was about to say 'Tits First, I'm not a slag' when he popped the packet on me table....I blushed.....

perfect end to a perfect day...it wasn't for this couple....they were on a weekend upgrade to First Klass....He pushed the boat out and grabbed a couple of carling black labels, she had a straw in a bottle of Crem De Menth.... she was Twatted by Tring....

I'll keep you posted on when the show is going out. Hope yerz can choon in.

Love 

Bev

XXXX

Poundshop Princess

Well the ordishuns are under way for the next X Factor. I feel it's time for me to Take me Poundshop Princess to Mr Cowell...So watch this space. If you haven't got your copy of me single on HiTunes then here's the link to get it - 

https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/poundshop-princess-single/id919449908

Why not sing along, here's the lyrics -

In the park feeding the birds I spoke my very first words.

For my age they were profound, please pay here love that's a pound.

Coz I'm the pound shop princess, I do leggins not a dresss, ask me the

Question when I'm around you know the answer is it's a pound.

When first at school with other kids I'd auction toys and take their bids.

The sale room was my playground, the winning bid would be a pound.

Coz I'm the pound shop princess, I do leggins not a dress, ask me the

Question when I'm around you know the answer is it's a pound.

I matured quite quick through teenage years, I loved the schoolboy leers.

For them a feel was paradise found, I'd only charge them just a pound.

Coz I'm the pound shop princess, I do leggins not a dress, ask me the

Question when I'm around you know the answer is it's a pound.

In a pound shop, in a pound shop, in a pound shop.

Do you know what I can't stand working in a pound shop? People coming 

up to you and asking 'how much is is?' The clue is in the name, It's a pound shop

and I am the poundshop princess. 

Love Bev. X