no parking my arse

well bev got a nice surprize today. twiggy got me a prezzie. heez got me a spaz badge from pat pong pete. i can park anywhere now. i mean im still not 100% with me broken nail still healing not to menshon the trorma of being twatted by a fat bird in a smart car eatin a piri piri pasty. its grate now coz i can park owtside primarni an the feathers.

i rekon twiggy is feelin a bit gilty. i found a catalog at his place called 'Thai'd to you' it waz like the argos but wiv all these bleedin little forin gerls in school uniforms wiv chineese eyes. hed circuled one called 'Thai - Basco. hot an spicy chick wiv no dick garanteed. i went mental he said its not his its duckers catalog. we didn't speak for the rest of the day till we went to bed. then he said those 3 little werds am i in. he woz but i didnt tell him.

oh well ive got to trust him if were to make this werk. i mean ive bin no angel lets face it. rite im off to the feathers an gonna park right outside on the duble yellows. wait till skank face denise sees me cunto outside. oh and to those who don't know what me cunto is its me car. mike the mekanic duz cut an shuts ded cheap an he did me a Corsa and a Punto. gets a bit confusin wen the mots are due. if any of yerz are lookin for a cheap runaround eez got a Labia for sale. its an old Lada an a Skoda Fabia cut n shut. Laterz.

viva espanya

its countdownt to the holiday in spain. ive ad me tan done an just ad me bits waxed. ive ad a brazillyan an me vajazzle re done. if yer remember me pubic zerconias went septic so ive ad it dun a bit higher abuv me vaj line. looks lovley an sparkly. iv ad a T an B added for me an twiggs. im ded ecksited. 

just bin for a spray tan at 'tu tan cum in'... shes brort that guy over from sharm el shake she met. there gettin married next week. all very fishy if yer aks me. shell be in bella or take a brake in a few weeks sayin ow shes bin fleeced. ive seen it all before. im a bit worried abowt goin to spain incase im swept off me feet so they can get a visa to come to ingland from spain. i wont be as eezy. well not for less than 100 youros. laterz.

 

its a sine

well frig my moon boots. this is just the spookyest thing ever. twiggy brort me brekfast in bed. iz nob an a peece of towst. finished me starter an woz just abowt to bite into me towst and sweet baby yasu whooz lookin back at me. its a sign from abuv. i now it happend wiv that old bint wiv a tee towel on er hed. an i think it happend wiv the good lord abuv too. im tryin to contact that cliff maxford who made kerry katona a famus celebrity drug taker. ill keep yerz posted.

im still off werk. i mean yer carnt put a time on the trorma of bein hit by a smart car an losin a malibu mantra nail. itll take ages for that to grow back. looks like im gettin me compensayshon check next week. carnt wait. twig haz been an angel. he took me up the caravan at this week for a little brake. just to help me reecooperate. we ad a bit of a mishap. we woz bang at it an e woz doin me up the gary glitter wen the friggin caravan broke loose. i thort not again baby yasu ive suffered enough. next thing weve stopped and crashed into the Hindley an Brady kiddies club on the campsite. i neerly died an me pot noodle scalded me nancy. rite just doin sum online shoppin to see wat i can buy wiv me compensayshon. catch yerz later.

horses for corses

well thanks to a facebook frend no names menshoned. ive bin contacted by head office coz they moniter showshall netwerk sites. it woz brort to there attenshon that i hadnt passed my CUNT corse Commershal Understanding Nashonal Targets. i aint doin it. last time i went i failed it but i got the highest score on me bubble berst game on me fone. they can skank off. i aint payed enuff to do thees corses. carnt beleev theyve lornched a new corse now that ive got to do. TWATS corse. Targets Within All Trading Stores.
  
its sundee mornin that can meen only won thing. onken on me monken. an me own holy comunyon. blue stripes thick sliced bred an a bottle of lambrini. twig is away on bizness. eez got a meetin wiv pat pong pete whooz just back from pat eye a wiv sum new stock for twig. ill put iz stock list up wen eez back. wotchin me omnybusses of me soaps. laterz.

the lord giveth

remember yesterdee me bruthers contakted me to send me bank detayls coz thay had sum dosh for me. well me bank maniger sed not to tuch this lot wiv a shitty stick. well e didnt say shitty stick but i new wot e ment. ah well. the lord giveth and the lord nabs it right owt yer friggin hand. it woz nice to think i ad bruthers in nigeereea. carnt believe thay wanted to rob a poor defensless sweet gerl like me. Fuckin skanky twats.

got a fone call today from human reezorses. well its aktually lynne wiv the limp but she rekons she summit else. aksin me wen im comin back to werk. i ad to put er strate. i woz praktically killed by a smart car an a pasty last week. how cud i go back to the place that brings back such paynfull memories. im waitin to see how much compo i get ferst. i mite not av to go back. ill just av me giro an me compo. twig is still beein lovely with me. e sat last nite for nearly an hour pickin the dert out me belly button. wiv is tung. sed it reminded im of that posh cheese. gorgonzowla. cheeky get. im avin a kwiet nite in tonite. 5liter box of lambrini that they got me from the colleckshon at werk. 

av a good weekend. i now i will. laterz.

life is a rollercoaster

omg! as saint ronan of the keating wud say. life is a rollercoaster. mine is at the mo. wat wiv me mum sort of back in me life. me acksident. me n Twiggy. me compensayshon. now... ive found sum long lost family in nigeerea. got an email sayin i waz there sister an theyve got sum money for me. just gotta send me bank deetayls. they r deffo reel coz thay sent me a pic. wats even more spooky is the similaritee now between me an me mum vanessa. can yerz spot it?

right gotta dash. need to get this email sent am gonna go an see me bank manager to tell him too abowt all this money comin to me. as D Reem once said. things can only get better. laterz.

im touched

well it not often that bev gets deep an sentimental unless theres cold hard cash involved. but i wanted to make a seerus post today to say thank you. im not tekky as yerz now but the lady in the libree who helps me (we call her the lady wiv the lump coz shes got a hunch back) showed me how to check the ordience stats. that meens how many peeple and where thee are. i nearly popped a pile. peeple are lookin at me from all rownd the werld. even in playces ive never eard of. ukrane were the frig is that. now if yerz want to offer bev a little holiday in yer cuntry feel free. so me blog is gettin close to 2000 wiv no advertisin or publisity so i just wanted to say a big thank you. i hope yerz like me blog and me site. thank you too for all yerz messages and texts to bevs private line. some of yerz are derty gets but yerz now im brord minded. heres the stats for yerz to see for yerselfs. ive left this post open to comments, so feel free to say hi to bev. keep it cleen. well....cleanish. luv yerz all. laterz. xx

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shit a brick

shit a brick i aint ever goin to ireland. on the news they just said the police have carryed owt a controlled ecksploshun in ireland on an IED! ive got won of them up me hoop to stop me gettin pregnant. poor cow bet its left her fanny like a ripped owt fireplace. mite go back to the rithim method. if yerv got any ideas on anuther way to stop me poppin a kid owt let me now.

i'm still sufferin in pain. its lookin like it cud be a few grand compo. fat sue wiv the smart car came round today wiv a pasty an a get well card. sheez ded apolojetic for nockin me down in the car park after i popped a love egg owt and bent down to pick it up.  an i dont hold it agenst her. not that id get anywere near er wiv that fat gut. she bort that smart car coz she said she woz gonna slim into it. yeah rite.

just saw on the news that there are a load of fake pound coins goin round. i got a load from the car park mashine in birkenhead today. all friggin fake. bleedin queens only got a fag in her gob on the coin. bastards. laterz.

memorys

oh my god. im avin a kwiet nite in catchin up with some of me ex's. im watchin strangeways. jesus im well shut of david. i lost an onyx coffee table to that twat. right adverts finished. laterz.

i want my mummy

iya guyz n galz. well i dont now were to start. wat a week ive ad, not only woz i nocked down by fat sue in her smart car ive ad all the trorma wiv me mum. well i say me mum i use the term loosly. those hoo hav bin followin me from the start now there woz a bit of a kwestjun mark over me reel mum. she left me dad years ago. now i now not everywon can put up with avin a tranny as a husband but me dad is one in a millyon. well therez prob more trannys than a millyon but he is  the best. ive wonted for nothing. but vanessa who is me reel berth mum is avin non of it. now im beein ded polite and chattin to her on facebook but shes pushin me further away by the day. ill not rest till me heds restin in her buzom.

that aside i ad a great weekend. twiggy az bin a diamond since me acksident. i am the new lady princess diana queen of tarts. i now wat its like to be treeted like royaltee. an my prince az well and truly cum. several times this weekend i carnt get it out of me i fone cover. we ad a great time and went to a crakin party on saturday. dont beleeve sum of the comments about me nickin wine.i woz twatted. skank face denise ad a face like she'd bin duckin for apples in a deep fat fryer. she told sandy scissors that dave said my fanny was like a stab wound on a gorillas back. it reely upset me. wat with all that an the trouble im avin wiv me mum vanessa. put a bit of a dampener on things. but yerz all now bev. ill bownce back. laterz.