Merry Christmas everywon...

as the song by saint shakin of the stevens goes...'merry cristmas everywon'...snow ain't fallin tho...hope yerv all had a grate crimbo...soz i havent been doin me diaree for a wile but bin ded bizzy in paradise...Pound Paradise that is...the run up to crimbo was mental like...Haribo Harold the perv was brort in to be santa but he got one wiff of the Gummy Bears and had a lazy lob on before you could say Tangtastic...they only asked me to stand in wen thay sacked him...i got moved off after a few hours coz the parents said i stank of ale...i had a box of Lick Yours an was Twunted...

 well befor i new it it was cristmas eve...so i did me cristmas Trayble reddy for me Pot Noeldle...saved me lowds of time...no dishes either i saved the pot as a wine glass...i cud write top tips for have a rest magazine cudn't i... i'd definitly get one agen for next cristmas day...

 i didn't get many presents but the guyz from me shop clubbed together an got me a cassette of me favrit singer an selebritee...i luv her so much...av a look down below...i did get very Twunted yesterday an woke up wiv an emptee box of roses in me bed...don't remember eatin them...looked like i'd shit the bed...just catchin up on all the cristmas tv i sky plussed its easier to watch wiv 2 eyes wen yer sober...i'm havin a snowball made wiv Aldi own brand avocardo...reminds me of cristmasses wen i woz yung an me dad wud leave me wiv the bottle wile he went out in his muther cristmas outfit down the pub... rite...i'm off have a grate crimbo...i'll leave yerz wiv a pic of me present an i'll sign off wiv me cristmas powem for yerz all...laterz...

Bevs Cristmas powem

Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house,
was the lovely smell of a pan of blind scouse.
Me glass of Lambrini on the fireplace over there,
no work for a week not even a care.

I hope not to get Twunted before Santa comes,
so I can cherish him ticklin me chin wiv his plums.
Then before he leaves an I'm still on me back,
a festive fayshall as he empties his sack!

Before you know it it's Christmas day, time for more parties, fun and play.
Opening presents and chocolate galore,
in a matter of hours I'll be flat on the floor.
Twunted, Munted call it what you like,
Merry Christmas to you all from this village bike!

  

a wee crem de menth...

well i've bin puttin it off for ages...me check up...i hate hozzies coz as me dad says once thay get you in for one thing then yer never away...snotty nurse told me to go an pee in this bottle...ded hard for the larger bride like meself...managed a drip or 2...nearly died wen i sor the culor of it...it was 99% crem de menth i rekon...we'd ad a sesh over the weekend an god did it show...handed it to sister vile an she just shook her hed...like sheez never drank a liter of crem de menth in a nite...then i went in to see dr who is ded dishy...cudnt find me tites but when i took me leggins off they were all skrunched up in a ball by me arse...


Then came the bit i woz lookin forward to...dont get me rong i hate needles but waz told i cud have a cup of tea an sum biskits...wrong...i woz ded brave even tho she took about 20 pints wen i asked for me tea n biskits she said you have to give blood for that...i pointed at her bucket of my blood an said what do you call that!!! i nipped to Sheelas Meals cafe on way home for a full inglish insted...i took rest of the day off an all me mates were tellin me to put me cankles up an so i did...

lots of peeple messiged me askin were me cankle chain was from...its part of a possible new range of mine called 'Maccanique' more of that later...ded bizzy at Pound Paradise...me Far La is goin thru the roof...me Klunge isn't so popular...weekend is nearly here...laterz...

CoCo to LoCo...

well me promoshons werk is goin ded well...not only am i the face of Far La and Klunge...due to me experteez in pushin stuff i've bin asked to be the face of our new loyaltee card CoCocard...every £ yer spend wiv us yer earn a pineapple point!...first day today and tannoy Twunt is doin me hed in...every five minutes she's ding dongin in me friggin ear...i've put me headphones in listenin to Black Lace greatest hits...


Bizzy week this week...fat Sue wiv the Smart Car started here...we just need Lynne wiv the limp and it'll be the whole team...Fat Sue is a bit sheepish coz i'm seeniur to her...i was ded maid up as well coz i got me winter fuel allowance...that'll help towards crimbo...well...sheez gone next door so did a likkle re direct...gave sum to charitee, bort a new skirt at the Red Cross...


Funny thing happened the uther day...i fownd a ticket to the local skool nativity...saw they waz servin Mullered wine...popped in sayin i waz god muther to one of the kids...well that was it...ended up in the vestgible wiv the caretaker an got waysted on the Mullered wine...but hot wine...whats that all about...woke up the next day in the friggin maynger...so not so much 'Away in a Maynger' more 'A Lay in a Maynger'...laterz...Tannoy Twunt is off again...

DVT to DVD...

OMG...can't beleev wat has been goin on...had me werk out n induckshon day last week which as you know waznt for me...but it seems i woz an inspirayshon to some women...so i was asked if thay cud put me workout on DVD...i said yes...then today i'm out doin sum Xmas shopliftin and nips into hmv...lookin for life of grime box set then next minute i look up an me friggin gob is lookin back at me...i'm gobsmacked...still ain't goin back to Jim it waz tortchure...but don't forget to buy it for a fat frend or relativ...laterz...

Gym I'd rather Jim...

now sum of yerz mite av herd abowt me little incident wiv a motorchair...don't beleev all yer hear coz it aint true...i 'BORROWED' it like i have for the last year an she never new any diffrence...she always takes a Nana Nap at 2-4 but she was avin a dump in her outside shitter yesterday an heard me takin it out the yard round the back...well considerin she needs a bleedin motor chair she was like shit off a shuvel out that front door. i needed it more than ever yesterday coz i had me Jim induckshon day...what a crock of shite that waz... its not for me...av a watch of this - 

i did a scratchy card the other day an won an induckshon day at a new Jim that's opened...well i went yesterday...never agen...she was like a gastapo woman...screamin at me...i was parched lucky i took me lambrini to keep hi drayted...i collapsed at the end...she said same time next week Beverly...you can gess wat me anser was... 'SHIT OFF'...av a look at these pics and the video...laterz...

 here is the video of me tortchure -  

update on Paradise...

iya...well been in paradise for just over a week now an its not bad...Tannoy Twat still gettin on me nerves but i tend to put me hedfones in an ignore it...Fat Frank got the job an is startin today so familiar face n familiar cock...early darts from werk for blowys just as it was in poundland...Fat Sue wiv the smart car has got an interview so god help us...got moved off feminin hi jean yesterday coz sum punter sed i smelt of ale...did me a favor tho coz got put on stock take so ate me body wate in haribo an watched telly wiv free wi fy... today i'm bein trained to do redukshons so happy days...i'll be markin down all me crizzy presents... oh before i go... pissed me pants yesterday there was sum big nob from hed office bord of direktors come in to meet us all coz we are the flagship store watever that means...aint no flag in our shop or a ship... e woz ded posh...says to me all lardy dar lookin at me name badge on me tit... 'erm so Beverly Macca wat kwalities n kwalifikayshons do you bring to Pound Paradise' i said 'Me CUNT n me TWAT...' he nearly had a brown hemmorige on the spot...then he realised wat they were av a look below... laterz...

 

Papped not hacked...

i'm startin to feel how them selebritees feel now... i havent been hacked...but worse still i bin papped... got home from werk last nite and checkd me bankin an me giro was in... so i thort i'll go an do a bit of shoppin... there i am lookin at the offers bord an i can hear clickin...turns round an theres sum ald perv takin piktures of me... i went to the manager after me shop an the sekurity man confiscated his memory card... av a look at these... an before you ask i aint a size girl... i was comparin the girth of the cucumbers for me bewty rayjeem... catch yerz later...

At homo with Promo...

As Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warns once sang.... up where I belong.... and I am back there... promoshons... i'm not cut out for tills n stock takin... how posh are Pound Paradise... I even get me own likkle stall.... eyel 6 if yer passin.... I can text away to me harts consent an Tweet an Facebook... even Tannoy Twunt can't see me from here.... im in me ellyment... talkin of Tannoy Twunt all the punters woz pissin themselves before.... listen to her latest... I'll catch yerz later....gotta push me Far La an me Klunge!...

http://audioboo.fm/boos/559395-promotion-tannoy

love lost...

why oh why...i bild up me hopes every time... i cud see meself as the area managers wife... Mrs Beverly Miel... all that came falling down around me today... the gorgus secksy Ron Miel is offishally a slave to the cock...gutted... he went to the office to make a personal call an he mustve sat on the tannoy so the hole shop got to hear...ive just opened a 5 liter box an playin me fave seline deeyon song.... all by meself.... laters... here it is - 

http://audioboo.fm/boos/556914-ron-miel-2

Scan or scam...

Kwik update... I'm a bit of a mare at times but i'm no liar... but i did tell you all a wee porkie pie about me compensayshon after gettin hit by Fat Sue in her smart car a while back. I did get kwite a bit of dosh an i cudve spent it on labrini erotic holidays to benidorm an fast cars... but i had one kwest in life... to find out who me real mum was... although she will never aknolidge me Vanessa Feltz is the top suspect... i spent me money on a private investigater who has today produced this... take a good look at the picture and then look at the name top left... gotta get back to work... friggin tannoy goin again... laters...

• http://audioboo.fm/boos/551154-pound-paradise-tannoy