Moocho Goosto... - Gusto -

OMG...i am sooooooooo in luuuuuurrrrve with Gusto Heswall...if i'm onest i'm in luuuurrrve with a cuple of the staff too.....dont say owt...i'v bin there a few times now...first wen i won a kompetishon to win a bottle of sumthin called Prosthetico...I thort Hether Mills was gonna be involved but she wasnt to be seen...the staff are ded ded nice...from enterin to leavin i felt like a prinsess...the ambulance in there is amayzin...everyone is ded chilled lovely muzik...well i askd if thay had 'Agadoo' remix by Black Lace but thay didnt...but the lovely Laura Jane didnt make me feel odd like wen i asked for it at The Ivy....... not the one in Londin the one in Litham Stanns...then came the food...well i woz touched...sadly not by Shaun...(see pics below)....well if you wanna reel treet get yerself there... 0151 348 4538...

Well what d'ya now...Friday 23rd March 2012...got me bonus from Pound Paradise...chucked a sicky coz Fat Sue with the Smart car has put Simply Group UK lockers in our staff room sayin we carnt have are Mobile fones on the tills with us...thats anuther story...I agress as the posh folk say...so i heds into Heswall...left the Cunto (Corsa/Punto cut n shut) at home so I cud neck a few...lown behold whoos walkin out as I walk in but Barbara Royle...aka the beautiful n talented Sue Johnston...I nearly popped a love egg...I curtseed an all that...dont think she recognized me  coz she said 'I've left you a tip on the table'...well there was a lovely posh do on...I blagged me way in doin an Irish acksent an said 'Hoi Ar Yoi Oi am Catherine Zeeta Jones so I am to be shure'....the doorman didn't clock a thing...I was in before you could say 'Take yer medikayshon Micheal...you wernt in Sparticus it woz yer dad'...the rest as thay say is histree...I'll leave yer with these pics wich say it all...Thank you agen Laura an all the Team at Gusto Heswall for makin me feel speshal...as Saint Stevie of the Wonder sang 'For Wons In My Life'....

It duznt end there...oh no...who do i bump into in the gents...(ladies waz full so i took a chance)...Saint Peter Of The Price...from Radio City, Citytalk and vareeous other who hars...I nearly died...he said he didnt now me at ferst but once I told him about me n Bob Monkhouse at the Poundland bash a few years ago he waz all over me like a rash...he woz a reel gentleman...i never payd for a drink all day....don't tell Laura I took me own...he woz on the posh stuff an nearly spat hiz crown wen he tasted my nectar...well we partied away for ages...we were in the VIP sweet coz Laura said I mite put the diners off there teas with me natchural bewty an femin nin charm...so she even shut the curtain to be shure...i'm still on clowd nine...altho sumwon nabbed me Far La from the Bar...here are the rest of the pics...Laterz...

~Thanks to Gusto and the team, Pete Price and the wonderful Greg for the photo's and video~

'Flamin' heck...

Well well well...just a likkle diary update after the weekend from hell...had a few texts from Eyerish eyes...dunno if he is interested...but got news yesterday from the cownsil to say I had been chosen to carry the Birkenhead Olympic torch...it will go from the burnt out ford mondayo on corporayshon road all the way thru town...round the piramids shoppin senter quick pass via the DSS office...an finish by settin light to the skip by the tunnell entrance with the matress and disabled scooter on...i am ded onored...hopin me Twitter frends Andy Bonner...Lucy Meacock...and Ann O'Connor will cover the story...we hav a speshal bond...Claire Ashforth is pencilled in...but Elaine Willcox carnt make it coz she is buyin some more coats that day!...

Eyerish thighs were smiling...

Hiya...hope yerz all ok...its muthers day an i'm spendin it lookin at old youtubes of me dear mum Vanessa Feltz who still carnt bring herself to aknowlidge me...one day i hope she will before its too late an i'm internashonal saleswoman travellin the werld with me Far La...Talkin of that...bizzy ish week in werk wen i woz in...Fat Sue wiv the smart car really doin me hed in now...she's given me the runaround all week...sheez determined that i leave me phone in a locker...she can Shit Off...its me human rite...the gobs on the punters wen i'm textin wile scannin...I say i paid to scan not to talk to you...ded chuffed me promoshon stand has bin moved out of Jabba's eyline...

Well nobody can say i'm not kulturally aware...it was Saint Paddys day yesterday an I recognised it wiv a green potatow...i think me FB mates an Twitter were kwite impressed...well I don't now were to start...there is a new factree bein bilt not far an we've got a load of Irish guys stayin nearby...OMG...its true wat thay say about them...bleedin garjus...thayve bin comin in the shop all week for krisps...its the closest we hav to potatows...well me n me gays started early on a pub crawl...i'v never bin so Twunted for ages...so much so we took the mobility skooter out coz by the time it got to Rice bar time i cudn't stand...the basket came in handy for me minitchurs...had a nice all yer can eat buffay but dont remember eatin it...found some me handbag today so i'm gessin i ate summit...well me gays were wizzin me round the floor in the skooter...hardest thing was tryin to do Ooops upside yer hed in it....then my eyes met wiv his eye...FAF...Fit as Fuck Feargal...he lost an eye by gettin sum hot tarmac in it...but the one left waz garjus...i cudnt stop lookin at it...this is were it all went a bit of a blur...reed on...

Now the picktchur speaks for itself its got the police press release attatched to it...now this is stricktly between me n you rite...we had left the Rice bar an i woz starvin...just as i was pullin up i saw Fat Sue wiv the smart car leavin Mustaffas wiv a keebab...i woz ragin...Feargal went to get me a Mixed Meat Feast meal for 2 and a kebab for himself...i kept havin flash backs to the Limo disaster for the Pound Paradise awards...plus her avin a go at werk an i saw red...we were cruisin along an i saw her in the distance...we were goin downhill...i told Feargal to meet me at mine an off i went...full speed an a hill....i cut the engine as i approwched her then BANG...i hit the fat fucker...she went down like a weeble...she wobbled an then fell down...an off i went...so there yer have it...me gays rang to say they had seen her back in Mustaffas less than half an hour later with a Mustaffa Mighty Meat stuffed in her gob...lets see wat she says in werk...

Talkin of werk...just had an email from hed offise to announce a new product I'm gonna be promotin...it has to be annownced to the shopfloor before I can say anythin but I trust you lot...to add to all me other products I am now going to be the face of -

Not bin breefed yet on wat its for...i'm gessin maybe a loobrikant or summit like that...laterz... 

another week beegins...

Mornin all...hope yerz av ad a nice weekend...i did in the end...went out late on Satdee nite after a bit of a downer...but me Twitter mates n FB pals cheered me up...got off wiv Bi polar Brian...he's back on his medikayshon so was on an uppper...last time we went out he was off his meds an started self harmin with the chop sticks when he saw the sweet n sour pork balls...brort back painful memrees of his bullying over the size of hiz Ollys at skool... Ded chuffed today coz wen i got in to werk today they have moved me promoshons stand over near the staff room...so the telly is close an best of all I'm out of site of Fat Sue Wiv the smart car...sheez doin me ed in...really got it in for me...i spiked her coffee wiv ey drops today make her shit thru the eye of a needle...

Talkin of Fat Sue wiv the smart car...i did some sales on ebay...i had loads of parker pens...dvd players an alarm clocks from all the life insurance i applied for for various folk like Minnie Mouse an her family...got me money on Satdee so went shoppin...got meself a few bits an a lovely new pair of leggins...felt like a hundred euros today even got a wolf wissel...Fat Sue walks past looks me up n down an says I look like summit out of Jungle Book...she is a jellus skank...rite...must dash...got to push me Far La for mothers day...its fab all thees cute daddies comin in an askin for a sniff...mite be me lucky week...laters...

In Vogue...

well me bloody fone hasnt stopped ringin...Liverpool Echo...Metro...Birkenhead News...Dog Monthly...but i sold out to the top bidder...Vogue...i've even herd wispers on twitter that Vicky Beckham has got her eye on me...eat yer hart out Nyomi Kambell...


Just had a giggle at my fave show of all times This Morning!...one of the feetures today is Death row recipes!!! You couldn't make it up...Here's the line up for todays show -  

Coming up today… Death row dining delights…

We will have Rustie Lee preparing final feasts for those about to be executed…

*Electrify your taste buds with ‘Piri Piri jerked chicken’
*Hang around for homemade Cajun soup
*Inject some energy with high carb vegetarian pasta dishes

After that our fashion expert will be talking all things final fashion - What would you like to wear on that final catwalk to heaven…

*Orange jump suits are out…Jazz them up with some blinging accessories…don’t go away (oops you can’t) we’ll be right back!

Pound Paradise found...

Well well well...i'm still on clowd ten...as most of yerz will now now i am offishally Pound Paradises top salesperson 2011...all for me servises to me Far La, Klunge, Fanny Floss and more resentlee Le J'aundice (pronownced Shon Dees its forrin)...wat a nite it waz...but wat a nitemare it started as...firstly me gays came round an we had a few boxes of wine...we had booked sykick Serena the sykick for a home reading...she turned up at 2...at first i thort she was shite...Craig wanted to know if he shud marry his Brazillian boyfrend...he says its long term...2 months! Duznt speak a werd of inglish apart from love you visa...then my readin waz that i would hav truble wiv transport and she cud see a shiny helmet or hed...well...next thing i now its nearly 6 i'm in me frock an reddy to go...6.20 no limo that Fat Sue wiv the smart car was supposed to hav ordered so i set off on me heels to get a bus...walkin up Pump lane an who comes along but Kevin Kawasaki...life saver...me nite in shinin armer... here's what happened - 

Anyways I get to the venew just as thay are closin the doors...quick fiddle wiv the bowncer an in i go...we are all called over to the press corner for fotos...just had mine done an i can hear Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell...that song by La Lu...turns rownd to see bleedin Tricia Penrose in my frock...i was ragin...next minit some geezer walks over an says Miss Penrose rekwests you take off your dress...i said Miss Penrose can work it up her...ive bin arownd Pound Paradise longer than her...i stormed off to get sum fizz...next thing i now sheez in a baggy jumper an a pair of leggins...nice as pie tho...we spoke in the carzy later coz she had the wild shites after Mark Simpkin her huzband had dun a balti wiv some out of date chickin...it was her management who said to take me frock off...bless her she even apologised on Facebook today...no hard feelins there...here's the pic - 

 I was so angry i rang me gays to tell them...thay were ded supportiv...here's me chattin wiv them -

Anyways it all goes well after that...had a ball...i waz up dancin wiv Ron Miel an his boyfrend to Macarayna...then we had a nice meal...too posh for me...i took Pound Paradise reddy noodles an got them to put some hot water on for me...then wen the time came I nearly died...thay gave the nominayshons then i didnt hear me name menshoned i was too twunted...i'd kicked me Timmy Shoos off coz me cankles were up like baloons...bugger to get back on to go an make me speech...then just like sinderella it was over...i ended up wakin up in an Eddie Stowbarts in Sandbatch...don't ask...the driver was a new one to me didnt speak a werd of inglish...managed to get home in time for me home communyon...rite...peppa pig doovay day...i'm drayned...lookin at me award as i tipe...thanks for all yer support...here's some more pics from the nite...an no I didn't get off with Mel the Mat Muncher from hed offise...we did hav a laff tho...sheez like a cock in a frock...laterz... 

Marry me shop free...

well soz i not bin here for a few days...bin mad bizzy...me Twitter broke thru the 1000 followers an me diary broke thru the 40000 hits...were are these peeple comin from...its amayzin...thanks guys n gals...me life is so borin i cant get it...nothin ever happens in my life...well it woz a leep year an i had me sites set on one man...the lovely Bret Lawrence from the This Morning hub...we've bin goin steddy for a wile now an i thort i'd pluck up the kurrige...even got Coleen Nolan involved...welll let me tell you...she did the dirty on me like a dagger thru me hart...take a look at the pic...gutted...let me tell you Col Nol... Bret is only after one thing... YER NOLANS GREATEST HITS BOX SET!!!...they are goin for a few bob on ebay!...every cloud tho...the other bit of talent from the hub Jonathan Rudge has started followin me and frended me on Facebook...heez gaggin for it...I'll keep yerz posted...

Well if yerz didnt now this weekend is the Pound Paradise awards serimonee...an gess whooz up for an award...yurs trooly...i've ditched the leggins an gone for a lovely gown...not gonna show it till tmrw nite Sat!...here's me Munk stole...i'm gonna be like Vicky Bekham...keep all yerz fingers crossed wontcha...i'll keep yerz posted...

On a ligher note...devastaytin news this week...went to send a tweet to Fred Talbot of the weather an heez only blocked me on Twitter! I was gutted...i had plans for him an me in the future...i mean wot an onor...blocked by the poor mans Richard Gere...thats 2 now...Joan Collins blocked me coz i told her to get a grip when she woz complayin that her club class seat was uncomfortable on a 50 minit flite...there are starvin in Birkenhead an sheez worried about that...Rite I'm off to Sharm El Sharons for a pamper for tmrw eve...gone sick for work today...I've done 3 days in a row...i aint a charitee!... laterz... xx