My bit on the side...

Well no sooner had I got meself dry, fabreezed me leggins and rinsed me tites I woz back on the Virgin Pedallo back down to London...Even the fat controller on the train called me by me name...I got some intilekthuwal reading material to read on the way down and off I went.....Where was I going you ask?? Oh I'd had a phone or 'Forrn' call from the lovely Stephen at Channel 5 asking me to come on Big Brother's after show Bit On The Side....so off I went....even got a meal an a drink....I went for the helthy opshon Salid.....with fish....i was enjoyin it till i found a ginger hair in it..........my money was on Richard Branstons.....anyways I agress as the posh say......I found meself at a luxury hotel called Borehamwood Stewdio way Travelodge.....everythin was komplimentree agen....even the ironin board....the area was a bit dodgy tho....the kids were playin Tick with mashetees...... I took no chances that night.....

Well after gettin settled into me dizabled room......dunno why they always give them to me.....it was time to go.....the taxi came on time and Raj was a lovely chatty man.....then it appeared....the words 'Elstree Studios'.....I felt like Norma Desmond returning to the lot at Paramount.....we woz whisked thru to the White House were they plied me wiv cheap plonk n krisps.....Then we woz ushered thru....the BBBOTS studio......It was all so fast payced.....before I knew it the theem choon started and the lovely Emma was off.....we had Sue Pollard, Chris Biggins and Chelsea Lately on the panel.....it wasn't long before I had Emmas mic in me face....

 

Before yer could say 'Prawn Ring' we were out of there and back to the lugzurius Travelodge...had a few bevvies and a take away.....then the alarm was going off.....I looked to the side of the bed and this is what greeted me....me tung was stuck to the roof of me mouth.....

It had been worth it tho.....then I had to get back to Ewston to get the Virgin Pedallo home.....and that was that.....I woz plied again wiv drinks.....but who was I to komplayn......

Right....enuff of me wafflin on.....I'm watchin This Morning right now and there is a campayn goin on to get Macca on the Map in the Albert Dock Liverpool for the This Morning 25th Anniversary on 3rd October....presenters past n present will get together along with the weather map.....there's no Jim to fix it for me so if you want to help go and tweet @itvthismorning and tell them you'd like to see #maccaonthemap....

Laterz lovely peeps

Bev

XXXX

 

Near knocked me out...

Well Sunday 8th September.....a day off work.....did I sit wiv me cankles up pickin on me prawn ring watchin the Stenders omneebus??? Nope....I was up in Preston havin a home made colonic irrigayshon curtesee of It's A Knockout!!!! All for a good cause tho...Yep, the wonderful Team Katy headed up by Paula & Dave Holmes had organised the event to raise money for the Katy Holmes trust....and there was no show without Punch!!! Great day, even got to meet a couple of TOWIE birds and the Nelson boyz.....garjus.....they'll be on yer box soon....if yer lucky....here's me comin thru the hoop of horror..... 

It was like a re birthin experience...only me berth mum Vanessa wasn't at the other end....here's me with my team 'TeamTastic'.... 

Oh....and the lovely and very secksy Clarke Carlsile was there too....he couldn't keep his hands of me....what man can't resist the whiff of my natural jewse plus my Far La....He's the wonderful patron of the Katy Holmes Trust....A joy to meet.... 

A great day with great people too...remember you too can help support the Katy Holmes Trust - maybe you want to arrange an event then take a look at the website below....

Laterz

Bev

xxxx

www.katyholmestrust.co.uk

London N Loose...

Well me feet avent tutched the grownd....nor have me Timmy Shoos as you can see....it all started in the Ferst Class lownge at Liverpool Lime Street...I had a ticket for the Virgin Pedallo to London....cheap as chips coz I used me OAP railcard....well I say mine.....it was iron lung Lil's from next door before she deeseased n died...I had a mail re direct put on her post....well when I got to the station I could see peeple lookin at me....so I just blurted it out.....
'Pie Jeezus....Pie Ay Jeezus' before I knew it I was wisked thru to the lounge 'Come this way Miss Katherine Jenkins' said the Fat Controller on the platform....and I was in.............

Before I new it I was onboard the Pedallo an sat in a Ferst Class seat....'We've bin expectin you Miss Jenkins' said the conductor.... 'It's Ms Jenkins' I said kertlee.....keepin up the Antee....well I ad a pink fish n laffin cow baygel an they left the drinks trolley next to me seat in return for a quick verse from 'Lez Mizerables' I just blagged that one....only Lez Mizerables I know are the punters at Pound Paradise....well I arrived OK and to top it all the hotel had only left me a free kettle, cups n tea n coffee....that was in me bag kwiker than wink incase thay realised there mistayke.....

I took a late nite walk down to the South Bank were ITV stewdios are....I had me walkman on....Elton John was seranaydin me wiv 'Candle In The Wind' when there it was.....just ahead....it was a sign.....my very own 'Thongle In The Wind'.....I'm not sure but I think it was a sign from Eamonn Holmes....a leppard print thong just blowing in the wind attatched to the ITV stewdio sign..........I was sent........I clutched my perl necklace...looked to the sky and the sweet baby yazu and mouthed the werds 'thank you'.....I was blessed.....

The rest is a blur....I woke up Titeless n Timmy Shooless overlookin the river Tems...I could smell the salty air blowin up me hoop....I was havin flashbacks....had I been ro hip nolled?....I'd left a couple in me pocket so maybe....just then I came to and could hear the sound of the This Morning theem choon.....I looked up and could see Eamonn n Ruth about to brordcast to the nayshon.....I gathered up me bits and headed back to the hotel.....I had a meeting at Sky TV.....All was good...to be continued....

Jump ahead a week now....lots goin on and I've not had time to put me cankles up all week...the highlight of me week was Thursday night and the start of Celebrity Big Brother....Id heard a rumour Carol Mcgiffin was goin in.....she who said no money would be enuff to do it....and there she was lookin back at me....on me box.....it only seemed like 5 minits since we'd been out wiv me gays....

I'd waited all week for this....I nocked meself some tea up....had me two fave things....bit of Rustie Lee on me walkman and a summer edishon of Lambrini....or ten....

What a show it's gonna be.....I'm havin trouble sussin out that Lauren Harries....at ferst I thought Ivy Tilsley was alive n well and living in the CBB house....can you spot the diffrence?

Well that's me about done....got lowds to do....I'm still a bit in shock tho....thort I'd get comfy on me sofa this mornin and watch a nice family movie....I got comfy an was strokin me Charlie when on it came........never.....i repeat never will I be able to look Dame Lady Julie of the Andrews in the eyes again.....just about to watch Bedknobs n Broomsticks when up pops....

'Bigdicks n Groomedchicks'

I can't even stumock the choon now Supercalafragilisticexpialidoshus....not after hearing Mary Bed Hoppins singin - 'Itchyfannyyoghurtonitbacterialvaginosis'......it's ruined it for me.....right....enuff.....catch yerz later....have a great day and bank holiday Mondee....hope the sun shines for yerz all....

Lotsa Love

Bev

XXXX

**BREAKING NEWS**

MCGIFF IS MCOFF

CAROL MCGIFFIN TO LEAVE LOOSE WOMEN (BAGGY BIRDS DEPENDING WHO IS ON THE PANEL) 

I've put me applikayshon in already!!

#makebevaloosewoman

 I have sort of been on before!

Go Team Katy...

Well this was the sight that brought a lump to my throat...seeing the team arrive in Preston on their long journey from Johnny Groats to Lands End...Eveyone was so proud...and best of all well over £40.000 was raised...I'll post a final figure soon...Well no sign of a Bentlee or a Rolls Royce for me.....I arrived in Bev style in the back of a Ford Transit...

I was like Mrs Overall all day wiv a crick in me neck bent over after me ride....but I was just grateful to get there in one piece...first stop was at Paula Holmes crib for a nice cuppa and a catch up....then the cavalree arrived...Here's the lovely Paula, Charley and Scarlett Holmes all ready to leave to support the riders...

We hadn't been on the road long and I sniffed out a uniform...I was over like a shot...great bunch of guys...good job they didn't hit the sirens....

Next stop was the cricket club to welcome the riders...quick stop off for some refreshments and cuddles with family and friends...here's me with the lovely Dave Holmes, Katy's dad and Charley Holmes, Katy's sister...doesn't he look well....so proud of Dave...

Then Dave had the difficult task of introducing Jeff Banks to the Bevlar....I think he was a little confused as most people are...I could hear him think 'I'm sure that's Katherine Jenkins'....easy mistake hey....

I parked up me scooter to get some hard earned refreshments and asked me little helper Charley to keep an eye on me wheels....Oh butter wouldn't melt 'of course aunty Bev...'few minits later there she is givin rides around the car park.....

I tried to chase her on horseback...struggled a bit to get on top....*steady on* but soon did it...

There was no way I could catch up with her...until.....me battery drained....I was devvo'd....how could I complete my challinge....you know team Katy.....as Peter Kay would say 'Always thinking'.....enter Katy's Huskie Huddle....and that was the perfect end to a perfect day....remember you can help support Katy Holmes Trust....just click on the link below to the website....every little helps....together we WILL make a difference to brain tumour research...

Let's not forget the reason we were there that day, to help keep Katy's memory alive...we all gathered at Katy's park close to her home...this is on Katy's bench...all the children clubbed together to have the bench put in Katy's memory...

Thank you again to all who supported both me and the team...always appreciated...take a minute to check out the Katy Holmes Trust website...

Bev

XXXX

 

www.katyholmestrust.co.uk 

 


 

Good Luck Dave Holmes & Team...

Well today's the day folks....it's taken hard work, dedication and determination but Dave Holmes & his team have set off on their Jonny Groats to Lands End bike ride....all in memory of and to raise money for Katy Holmes Trust - Katy being Dave's beautiful sleeping angel....It's going to be hard work, but so rewarding for all involved...So sending them all the best and lots of love....

As the saying goes - No show without Punch! Well I had to mention my challenge too! I shall be joining Dave and the team in Preston next Saturday 10th August with other members of Team Katy to support and raise more money. Why not come along and add your support? If you can't be there then please take a moment to donate to the challenge. Here's my JustGiving page for you to do just that. Thanks to all those who have very kindly donated so far! Let's keep Katy's memory alive through her research...You can help!

 

Big thanks to the wonderful Bell Mobility Ltd for making my challenge possible with my Bevmobile!

 

Lotsa Love

Bev

XXXX

 

www.justgiving.com/beverlymacca 

 

http://www.bellmobility.co.uk/ 

 

www.katyholmestrust.co.uk 

Welcome Baby Leave Windsor...

 Well weev wayted ages for the arrival but at last we have a new Royal Baby.....Baby Leave Windsor.....sounds a bit odd but yer now how with it the new breed of royals are....I got a shock wen it flashed up on the telly at work the picture of Duchess and Baby Leave.....it'll grow on me I gess.....I reckon she had it easy.....i'm gonn av one of them berthin pools if I ever have a baby Macca.....I'm gonna get a Peppa Pig one.....Can't stop coz I'm up to me eyes in it at werk.....I'm on Feminin Hi Jean again......If I hear one more person moan that it's not well sign posted I'll scream.....I swear I'm gonna put a pickchur up of a big 20 foot fanny to show where Feminin Hi Jean is......Before I sign off from this Speshal Royal Entry in me diary please spare a moment for HRH the Queen of Ingland Elizabeth Duke Windsor.....rumour has it sheez bin up all night wiv baby Leave....Will has been helpin Kate get comfy on a blow up ring.....apparentlee she needed a cuple of stitches an her hoop is on fire.......Catch yerz later....here she is....please be standing for

Her Majistee the Kween of Ingland

Laterz

 Bev

XXXX

Zip Me Up Before You Go Go...

Thort yerz mite all like to av a read of the lyrics to me soon to be released single

'Zip Me Up Before You Go Go'

I bet yerz can't listen to the song ever agen wivout hearing these lyrics.

Enjoy!

 

JITTERBUG

 JITTERBUG

I’ll be your groom groom you tasty tart.
You send my soul sky high with your fanny farts.
Jitterbug into my brain,
I’m gonna bang bang bang you till you go insane.
But somethings buggin me, something ain’t right
My best friend told me that you were quite tight.
Left me sleeping in my bed,
Was I dreaming or did you really give me head.

Zip me up before you go go,
Don’t leave it hangin down like a yoyo.
Zip me up before you go go,
I won’t miss and jizz in your eye.
Zip me up before you go go,
I don’t like jackin off doin solo.
Zip me up before you go go,
Make your fanny feel tight.
Make your fanny feel tiiiiiiiiight!

You feed on prawn rings most of the day,
You’re so camp as a man you would be a gay.
In Aldi car park I made you lame,
You were so dry my meat’s never been the same.
Cause you’re no lady, you make me drool,
Makes me crazy you prick tease it’s cruel.
Come on Bevlar make it tight
Your pelvic floor makes everything feel so right.

Zip me up before you go go,
Don’t leave it hangin down like a yoyo.
Zip me up before you go go,
I won’t miss and jizz in your eye.
Zip me up before you go go,
I don’t like jackin off doin solo.
Zip me up before you go go,
Make your fanny feel tight.
Make your fanny feel tiiiiiiiiight!

(C) 2013 Beverly Macca

Satdee nite telly...

Morrrrnin...right...I'm avin me own poynts of view....WTF is goin on wiv Satdee nite telly..... 'Your Face Sounds Like My Arse Looks Like Stars In Their Eyes'.....All I can say is roll on X Factor!!! Forget Judges houses.....my favrit bit is 'Sob Stories' things like ' 'My sister is a pregnant teenage dwarf wiv a tumour on her bunyon'.....and this classic -

Rant over....just a ikkle quicky diary entree...I'm off to werk now for a quick shift...this hot wether has given me that illness sleep apneea....I karnt keep me eyes open on me till....have a great time in the sunshine....remember yer facktor fifty too....laterz.... Bev xxxx

**STOP PRESS**

Another Evening With Bev Coming In Oct

'Prawn Ring N Bling'

All Proceeds to Katy Holmes Trust

Summertime and the Bevlar is easy....

Before I begin can I wish Nelson Mandela a ded happy birthday....great to hear he is doin well in hospikal too....I hope he carries on doin well.....the nicest thing is to see how his ex wife Winnie Mandela has been by his bedside.....there is still a real closeness with them two....after all them years how cudnt there be....imagine all them years wakin up to Winnie's smilin face every day....

Get me bein all topikal in the news stories....some say I cant follow the plot of Peppa Pig....well yerz rong there.....stayin wiv the news I'm glad to see that nasty man Abra Kadabra sent back to be tried....I don't do anything to do with nastiness or horriblness....so good riddanse I say....they even rote a song about him didnt they....i'm too young to remember but youz mite...it goes...

 

Can you beleev that cheeky mare Beeyonsay had a go at one of her fans at a gig coz they were fillumin her....at the price she charges I'd expect alot more....if she'd ad a go at me I'd av said - '
'Keep shakin yer fat arse n singin. I've paid a fortchoon 2 c u Jabba'..........she shud get back to Jenny Craig....

Well we've had Pippa Tips now we have Fern Tips....me lovely laydee Fernus Brittunus has been offerin tips on makin mint jelly....she also came up wiv a grate way of strainin stuff....thru yer tites....hope she duznt turn all Kirsty Allslop on me an go posh an make decorayshons that cost a bleedin arm n a leg......Here's Ferns Tip - 

Well the heat is on.........talkin tites I'm poppin mine in the freezer a la Pippa Tip 638 - 'Pop your tites in the freezer overnight to ensure a cool hoop.....remember freezers are very cold' Right....That's me done for now....I feel like Loosy Meekock readin the news....catch yerz all very soon.....I'll leave yerz wiv a pic of me n me boyz at an Evening With Bev Bikini N Brini....

And here's Casa Macca too Hope you can come soon...another evenin with in October....be there...

Oh....one more thing...forget Pippa Tips..... Bev tip - never let yer man leave the house like this....he'll look a right Twunt...................................Laterz....Luv yerz..... xxxx

100.000 and Charity...

One of the best things to have come from me sekrit diary is to have met and become part of Team Katy Holmes...for those who don't know That beautiful sleeping angel fell asleep at the age of 10 after a short but brave battle with a brain tumour...Katy's mum contacted me after she found herself starting to smile again after such a sad loss...I was then asked to join the team as Ambassador Of Laughter, a role I love! Paula, Dave, Charley and baby Scarlett are an amazing family. That is why they have attracted such a wonderful and dedicated team - you all know who you are. You can help too by visiting and sharing the website - every penny also helps go towards much needed research into this underfunded but prominent illness. Here's hoping the next 100.000 will mean lots more followers of The Katy Holmes Trust -

www.katyholmestrust.co.uk

www.justgiving.com/beverlymacca

Another charity I am proud to support is Tomorrow's Women Wirral - an inspiring group of women led by the wonderful Ange and Karen who have helped turn peoples lives around through their hard work and dedication...this shows if you ever visit their wonderful sanctuary that offers security, comfort and support to all who visit. Please take a moment to visit their website and see for yourself. You can also help by donating time, money or other essentials...I hope with their blessing I can continue to be part of their wonderful team....

http://www.tomorrowswomenwirral.co.uk/

So there you have it...I may have achieved 100.000 but it's not all about being funny...it's about being able to help others in one way or another. Look out for and after eachother.

Bev

XXXX