the week that woz...

well wat a week...bizzy bizzy bizzy in paradise...the shop not Rhyl...an whood hav thort Bev becomes the face of yet anuther product instore...i am so made for promoshons...Fat Sue wiv the smart car is ragin...sheez bin tryin to pull her wayt all week...dragged me off tills coz a punter said i stank of ale...put me on a stock take so i ate me body wayt in haribo...took me back to wen the perv that woz Haribo Harold...he cudnt work within 1 aisle of the sweet sekshon coz he got a lazy lob on at the smell of haribo! i used to throw them over to his aisle to get him into truble... bin remenisin alot this week...that pikture above was wen i woz avin a fling wiv a selebritys husband...cant menshon any names but it rimes wiv nisha kenrose...we woz avin a sesh in the bubble car from her telly show...she came home early an chased me harf way across the countryside...happy dayz...

I'll leave yerz wiv this from the Rice bar last nite...had a crackin time...dont remember this little sing song...but i did wake up in a reecyclin bin at the back of iceland stinkin of prawn ring...havin murder tryin to get it out of me leggins for werk tmrw...Agadooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

http://audioboo.fm/boos/684501-agadoo-at-the-rice-bar

FannyTastic!...

Well...youv sniffed me Far La...youv tried me Klunge...youv even got Le J'aundiced with me recently...well now changin the meanin of the werd Thong Beverly Jane Macca once a lowly shelf stacker is now the face of yet another exclusive Pound Paradise product introducin 'Fanny Floss'... I woz told last week about it...but waznt allowed to tell...we had a teem breef today witch was ded borin i ad me walkman on listenin to Black Lace...cud only see there mowths movin...now one small thing...I have to sing a ditty on the tannoy here goes - 

'If your botty is smelling bad and you are at a loss, get yourself to Pound Paradise and grab some Fanny Floss'

~BJM~

wat a tosser!...

well i m never gonna be a nyjella lorson am i...had to babysit Wesley agen last nite...heez a lovely lad...always lets me av a likkle nap after a few bevvys...i forgot i'd put his pancake on for him...sweet baby yazu i nearly had a brown hemorige wen he comes flyin down the stairs sayin the pancakes are burnin...i'm nown for me tossin skills an i didnt disappoint...but imagine me horror when Mr Kawasaki's helmet appears at me window!!!...apparently i'd bin textin him in a drunken state an arranged a meet...think heez still got his cold sore tho coz he kept his helmet shut tite...a second dayte hey...whoodve thort it...laterz...

**NEWSFLASH**

OMG!...had to share this with yerz...if yer remember I went for an ordishon to be the foot of fashon for Shoemarket in Birkenhead...sadly me fake tan streaked an i waz due on so me water retenshon kicked in so i woz lookin more the Cankle of Clarks...needless to say i didunt get it but i came a close runner up...well me mobile just went in werk an it woz the store manager to say they woz filmin the foot of fashon in the Pyramids shoppin center and the skank who got the job slipped on a piri piri pastie an cracked a bone in her foot...i waz gutted...NOT...well thay hav offered me the job...I'll keep yerz posted...Miss Macca...this cud be yer lucky break...must dash...finish the other harf of me piri piri pastie... ;-) got me foot soakin in a bucket of Le J'aundice (pronownced Shon Dees) self tan... xx

Carnival VS Pancake day...

well as was once said...Rio has Karnival...Sidney with its Mardi Grar...an wat do we have here in good old blitey...Pancake Tuesday...I luv our kulture...nothin like it in the werld...well talkin of pancake day...i just got some ald geezer in truble...i need to get me ears sringed...i was sat on me stand pushin me Klunge an Le J'aundice...coz theres a speshal offer today...buy a 5ltre Le J'aundice (pronownced Shon Dees its forin)... this ald geezer comes over an wispers in me ear...'I need Jizz...where can i find it in this shop'....well wiv me glue ear thats wat i herd...he aktually said 'I need Jiff...where can i find it in this shop'....I felt awful...sekurity were on him like a shot...

arnt peeple tutchy on Facebook...had a kerfuffle with on of me FB frends yesterday...i was called not polite...all because i didnt 'like' there posts on my wall...now all my frends now i'm pashonate about replyin and sendin PM's if peeple are havin problems...i even set up a sub page called 'that's what friends are for' for those who want to share problems or just chat...well this person unfrended me...you can imagine the backlash wen me mates were onto it...anyway upshot was they re frended me...im not one to bare grudgis...so as a disclaymer I put this poster on me wall incase i miss anyone out!!!...here's the link to the friends page on FB...if yer feelin down fed up or just wanna offload (nothin derty)...pop along an say hi... laterz...

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Thats-what-friends-are-for/335927443104376 

Valentine be mine...

well i hope yerv all got over me reported death at the weekend...i woz in shock...morners were still outside on monday...usin me candles to light there fags on...talk about disrespect for the dead...then it woz Valentines day...as yer can see me box was bulgin...sadly they wernt all cards...had a nice day but felt sick coz i ate 48 of our marsh mellow harts...still taste them now wen i burp...

well yerv tried me Far La...had me Klunge...Beverly Macca is now offishally the face of Le J'aundice (said Shon-dees its forin)...i knew last week but cudnt tell yerz...had to sign the doomsday secrets book...Pound Paradise said i've been a huge hit promotin me Klunge an me Far La plus...now heres a kompliment...i have the skin tone of the product...how nice is that...so today i've been at it...it's on offer at the mo too...get yerselvs down before it all goes...Make sure you are Le J'aundiced soon...

before I finish i have to pay tribewt to me lovely mate Tricia Penrose who looked garjus last night at the Pia Michi (Pie an Mash to some)...Trish has been around much longer than the not so natural Miss Amy Childs...also with a programme that ran for 18 years unlike Miss Childs cancelled show...all I can say is that I and many thousand of other wimin wud like to be able to get into that dress at 30 let alone 41 and look as natural as the lovely Tricia Penrose...

RIP Whitney/Bevlar...

Firstly can i just say how sad it is to hear of the death of a beautiful and talented lady...we don't know how she died yet but however it was it is tragic...thoughts and love to all her family and friends...

Now onto another small matter...the reports of my untimelee passin last nite on Facebook and Twitter...in the words of Saint Elton of the John...'I'm still standin'...only just sometimes i know...let me explain... me fone died mid way thru me sweet n sour pork balls...i wanted to leave a messige on Facebook so i borrowed Gay Gavin's fone...only i forgto to sign out...i rolls up outside me house at 4am to find candles lit...empty bottles of lambrini vodka an vinegar (beggers carnt be choosers when yer giro is late)...an some floral tribewts...so can i just say I know there are similarities between me an Whitney...infact I waz once told i'm like a white Whitney Houston when i belt out my Agadoo by Black Lace...so i do understand the confusion...but yerv got me for a bit longer yet god willin...althow i nearly choked on me alfabetti spagetti wen i got home...i wonder if i'm gonna be like Mamma Cass who choked on a ham butty...ah well...it will prob mean i've come home Twunted so proberbly died happy...i've been that pushed today i've not had time for me home communyon today...best i make up for it...i'm hopin the tempritchur stays cold too this week coz i'll get iron lung Lill's cold weather payment if it does...still got the re direct on her mail...right...must go an soak me cankles...still carnt get into me Timmy Shoos properly... laterz...

Can i just say we must remember people are going thru alot of things as we get on with our everyday lives...i have been amazed how many private messiges i get from my facebook mates and Twitter folk. I am just glad that you feel you can offload to me and i really hope that my replies offer you something, be it comfort, a smile or just a diffrent perspective. Always here... xx

Good golly Miss Nolly...

well i wasn't as the song goes 'in the mood for dancin or romancin' last nite...Fat Sue wiv the smart car is tryin to throw her ample wayt around as supervisor an took me fone off me durin me Far La promoshons...i was ragin...rang the union an they are lookin into it...i'll keep yerz posted...in a strop last nite i took meself off to bed wiv a 5liter box of vino rapped meself up in me Peppa pig doovay an put me walkman on...i got Saint Coleen of the Nolans cd for crimbo...well i cudnt stop listenin...wat a life...wat a gal - her life with alfie moon...her lovely boys...the family...i can see so many similaritees to me...shes like me long lost sister...spookiest thing of all is we are both a slave to our leggins...i can recommend it as a read or a listen...it took me back to me days wen me birth mum Vanessa Feltz wud read to me before bed...i drifted off listenin to Coleen talkin about her lovely husband Rays fingerin teckneeks on his instrument...i felt the urge to put pen to paper an rite an ode to Col...enjoy...

An Ode to Coleen

Coleen Coleen I watch from afar,
you in the hub me at the bar.
As the credits roll and the theme tune starts,
we look forward to seeing our queen of hearts.

A vision in violet or a belle in blue,
Whatever you wear looks good on you.
Standing there flicking thru facebook and twitter,
You make us laugh and give us a titter.

Great banter you have with Phillip and Holly,
with Eamonn and Ruth you keep it all jolly.
Another hunk sat surfing the net
Sits right behind you his name is Bret.

Samanthi and Matt are great if you’re not here,
But your return always gives us reason to cheer.
If you fancy presenting with a young shelf stacker,
Give me a shout, the name’s Beverly Macca!

Thai'me to forgive...

OMG!...late nite early mornin last nite...ended up kippin in the cemetree agen...woke up stiff as a bored...got home not bin in bed for more than a cuple of hours and Fat Sue wiv the smart car rang to say there has bin a big delivery of my Far La an did I want any overtime cash in hand to go and sell it...well i thort its dosh for tonite...they'll av to take as thay find today...no time to shower so got glitter all over me face an reek of stale ale...but hay ho...kwik sniff of my Far La an they will be sent...just leavin for werk an pop it in Pete the postman dumps a load thru me door...got ecksited coz i thort me Life Of Grime Monthly mag was there...opened it up an addressed to nosey neighborhood watch man over the road is this magazine...the derty get...he better not look down his big bulbas drinkers nose agen or i'll tell her kwik as wink...i nicked the voucher for a 50% off at the local Tie restrornt...

Rite carnt stay...if yer passin Pound Paradise today nip in an av a sniff of me Far La...laterz...

Vick n Vag...

Well...firstly happy friday to yerz all...sekondly soz i've not dun me diary this week...due to an acksident earlier in the week it's bin a bit hard n hot to sit down...were do I start...

I ad a bad dose of the flu last week an into this week...felt like shite...took a few days off werk an rested up...then the other day i started limpin...you regulars will now that wen i'm due on me 'star week' i start to limp an all thru it...don't ask...it mite be heredetree but coz me mum Vanessa Feltz won't aknowlige me we will never now...its a curse...so i had some of me feminin hi jean laydees bits at the ready an off i went to bed...well woke up early an me lekky had gon an it waz pitch black...so bein clever i reach out in the bathroom to sort meself out an pop said feminin hi jean laydees bit up me nancy as per...didnt giv it a thort until i woz on tills later in the day... it thort i had a bit of me usual sistitus coz i was burnin down below...then i cud smell a strong smell of olbas oil wen i let out a laydee fart...well by Loose Women in the staff room i woz rollin in agony...Fat Sue wiv the smart car sent me off to casualty...not the show...the hospital...

well imagin my horror wen they did a scan...i woz a bit out of it an heard them say somethin about Vick up there...i went cold...i waz tryin to remember wen me last intimasy had been an what his name was...i deffo hadn't been with any Vick...then they said you are suffering from a blocked nose arn't you...i said sweet baby yazu how far have you gone up there....then they told me...i'd only popped me vicks inhalor up me nancy in the dark with no lid on by mistake...they managed to get it out...i've been on reduced hours since at work...

Other than that kwite an uneventful week really...bin in too much pain to get up to much else...off on the razz tonite wiv me gays as per...I'll giv yerz a full run down...I'll leave yer with this little video of me burnin sum rubber on me old dears disability scooter!...laterz...