All Saints vs Latter day Saints...

Hiya...how are yerz all...wat a week i've add...book lornches...selebritee followers on Twitter...hearing aid hilaritee...oh an a likkle insident wiv two hunks of spunk who came nockin on me back door...OK...so I'd ad a little drink...so Soo me...i woz unwindin after a hard day in Paradise...the shop...not the Rhyl Sun Center...i woznt goin to anser it coz i thort it waz nosey nayborhood watch man...oh boy am i glad i did...stood there woz two visions...like models from them gay films - Belemberg or watever its called...then thay asked the kwestyon that wud get anyone in thru my back door....'Can we talk to you about the All Saints'....Well jump ahead harf an hour an there i am in me skimpiest skimpiest bakini pole dansin round me Vyleeda mop handle to 'Never Ever'...not a flinch...thay just looked ded unkumfortable...so i then tried dazzlin me wiv me 'I know where it's at'...by this poynt i thort thay woz a member of the Homo Lulu club...then I cracked open me box........................they woz gone kwiker than wank....Wink.............i woz only gonna offer them a glass of me finest Lambrini...told me gays about it....turns out coz of me disabilitee 'Glue Ear'....i hadn't heard them proplee...thay had come to talk abou the 'Latter day Saints'....hay ho.....

Well anuther frend called on me this week talkin about me glue ear...Deaf Dave from Asda...poor bugger has bin deaf since a very early age...the poor family avent got a pot to piss in or a window to chuck out of...thay've bin savin to get him a new set of hearin aids for ages...well thay cudnt afford the dee lux model....i nearly popped a love egg wen he walked into the pub the other day...the poor sod...as it woz thay had to open both doors to let him in...heez not the full euro...but then he asks the ultimayte kwestyon...i nearly choked on me Lambrini wen he asks... 'Suttle isnt it...be honest...wud you know i'm wearin hearin aids'........................wat cud i say................Dave if you adnt told me i'd never av nown...god love im...tried to giv im a lift home but cudnt fit the fucker in me Cunto...

Now yerz all now me...i'm not totally up on Pollytiks...i do read the daily star in the Co-op wen i'm in the kew to keep up to date wiv all things politikal...but read abowt that Jimmy Carr an hiz tax fiddles...i woz annoyed...coz i love his show Chatty Man...but wat he did waznt rite...wile i werk hard for me giro an me wages from Pound Paradise...he gets away wiv it...i rekon it woz a publisitee stunt tho coz look...he had a book comin out....

there i woz mindin me own bizness the uther day on me till at Pound Paradise an i get a Twitter alert...my ring tone for alerts is the wonderful 'Atomic Kitten' singin 'Lick me hole again'...i luv that song....well i nearly answered a till bell with shock...the alert woz 'Marcus Collins is now followin you on Twitter'....i ad to nip to the bog to tweet him back...then he comes back sayin 'I've eard all about you' or summit like that...it woz in Skowse so all i cud read waz summit about robbin cars n forgin giros...but i woz ded chuffed...i think heez garjus...like a tanned Justin Beeber!...keep it to yerself but i've got a feelin he followed me for a reason...karnt say too much but i now heez lookin for a new backin singer....keep it to yerselfs...

well how chuffed woz i this week...Gay Gary came round an sed he didnt want his Kindel anymore an wud I like to av it...so i said yes coz i wanted to get that mucky book about the paint sekshon of B&Q...50 Shades of Grey...i'm not kiddin i woz up all nite tryin to get it to werk...yerz now i'm not the most teknikal of peeple...it wudnt connect to next doors wi fi like me fone...i gave up today...i didnt wann hurt Garys feelins so i just put it on Freecycle...'Kindel free to good home' I've ad to turm me fone off....457 texts so far....wish i adnt bothered....

well i cudnt let todays diary entree go by wivout menshonin me dear dear frend an ex Deano Williams...his book The Tearaway hit the shelves an online this week...an flew off as kwik as it arrived...i woz in the forchoonat posishon to get a personal sined copy of the book delivered to me door...just after Bobby Goldtop the milkman had dumped his fresh creem at mine for me serial...well that was it....i cudn't put it down...had to do a sicky for Pound Paradise that day...I even get a menshon in it....he duz use one of them Sue do nims...calls me Ashlee...his lovin partner of years...but i new he ment me....Good luck fella!.....I woz invited to the book lornch but cudnt make it...i woz wiv him in spirit tho....a liter of Crem De Menth...but wat tutched me most of all was to hear he took the time to menshon me an dedikayte a karryokee song to me....Luv ya Deano....Laterz...off for a roast at me gays...thay use serviettes that arnt tisshew....XXXX 

Balls vs Bone...

mornin all...just a ikkle bit bored on me till here at Pound Paradise...fat Sue wiv the smart car is givin me evils but sheez on a warnin for bullyin n harrismant so she darent tuch me...thort I'd fill yerz in on me Sunday roast...if yer remember I was gaggin for a bit of meat an two veg...one sure fire way of gettin an invite to nose nayborhood watches house is to clean me front window in me bra n pants...within 5 minits heez over askin me for a roast...his wife is lovely...sheez got Caterackts so misses alot of what is goin on...there was method in me madness this week coz me sekurity lite woz broked an i needed him to fix it...so i giv him a likkle show while i'm avin me lunch...Mrs NNW always gives me the bone...then it begins...i let the lamb fat drip down me cleevidge an heez praktically nockin the table over...even at his age...not only was me sekurity lite fixed but heed trimmed me bush kwicker than wink...(silent A)...

its a good job Mrs NNW is a bit deff as well az avin katarackts...it waz turnin into one of them Carry On Fillums...i nearly popped a love egg wen he asked me if I liked stuffin while he was handlin his meat...said i mite like his balls...then i saw these...poor Mrs NNW just grunts in the rite places...well it woz a lovely roast tea...i woz rapped up in me peppa pig doovay before you could say Lambrini...

I know alot of youz espeshally wimin will have herd of the book 50 Shades of Grey by now...most of yerz will hav had a flick in bed readin it...well talk abowt cowinsidense...I'd ritten a similar book ages ago called 50 Tones of Tan...grippin book abowt a womans struggle to find the rite shade of fake bake in these tuff times wen there are so many out there...theres lust lezbianizm an lazy lobs as she duz anythin to get that tone...hurry now wile stocks last...on the subject of books...an old flame of mine Dean Williams...founder of the Car Park fayshalls off the pay n display meeter has also ritten a book...now this is a good read...i woz ded priviligded to reed the first two chapters in its early stages...think he wanted me to korrekt the spellin to be onest...well it's out on the 21st June...it's in the top sellers already on pre order...you must get it...on a serious note it is touching, funny and tragic...but above all it's one persons REAL life...I'll leave you with this messige... xx

                                                            ~Good Luck Deano~

Av yer seen my Charlie...

Happy Farthers day to all dads who read me sekrit diary...if yer don't hav yer dad with you then I hope you manage to remember all the happy times with love and laughter...
Well where do I start...the clue is in the title of this entree...an if any of yerz had expected to see a pic of me nancy coz i now Charlie can be a youfenizm for yer down belows...yer very disapoynted...it is out there somewhere tho if yer look hard enuff...well here he is...Bev's Beagle...wen I annownced him on Twitter Google search crashed...all them old pervs lookin for Bev's Beaver...that'll lern yer...he's 3 years old an is garjus...yer'll be seein alot more of him...i've adapted his coller with some vodka minitures like a saint Bernard...heez more a Saint Beagle...

I like to think of meself as a responsible dog owner...but i nearly threw this week...don't buy the cheap Pound Paradise Cack Sacks...they are useless...me bleedin finger went strait thru the bugger...its tortcher too coz yer get this sick erge to sniff yer finger...all the way home...it was all under me new nails too...i woz ragin...

well i've bin tryin to drop a few stones to get into me summer wardrobe...its not easy...i tried that Lighter Life for a couple of hours the other day...sweet baby yazu it woz retchid...i put it all back on by the evenin...i had an old issue of Thinner Life magazine...thay had some resipees for soups...wat a crock of shite...literally...i mite as well av boiled me bleedin crock with an onion an sum salt...I ended up avin a bucket of KFC an defrostin a prawn ring...i think me men prefer me larger yer now...i'll drop some wayt wen i start walkin Charlie...

ad a bit of a ruckshon wiv some posh woman wiv a conservatree...i was walkin back from the pub on Friday...i was arf cut n a bit tired...anyways Charlie made a dash for this back garden...i runs in after him an theres this conservatree wide open...i'm not bein funny but if yer leave yer doors open yer av to expect gests...well I lay down for ten minits...next minit this posh cow is screamin...help help...i woz like carm down love...i'm only grabbin a nana nap...then she comitted the ultimate crime...tried to take me Lambrini off me...nobody does that...yer can see the look of fear in her gob in the pickture...anywayz her husband came home an smoothed it over...he had to really...3 hours earlier he was samplin the Bevlar nectar in the Lidl car park...

Werk was ok this week...apart from a little insident with some soft arse in her wheel chair...i saw this woman with a basket full of shoppin on her lap in the kew for me till...so i thort i'd go an help...she couldn't speak either but was tryin to say summit...well I lifts her basket off her nee an unpacks her shoppin onto the belt...turned round and she'd gone...or I thort she'd gone...all i could see was a pair of ald slippers wavin in the air...she waz flat on her back...turns out the basket of shoppin was balancin her coz her huzband had two heavy bags of shoppin on the handles...how was i to know...

Well before I go i'll fill yer in on last nite...I was late in today...I woz still chokin on glitter too...the sparkly stuff not Gary...fab nite...I've got the decoraters in which means moon boots an me Canklelimpitis is back for a week...those who don't know I suffer from an illness were i get water retenshon and a limp wen I have me monthlees...I started off the evenin at a ded posh tea...me gays call it dinner party...but anyone nows yer dinner is after This Morning finishes...well i nearly popped a love egg wen I saw the table...the best thing woz yer av yer own salt n pepper set each...i put mine in me handbag an took em...even had me name next to me nife n fork...it woz all ded posh food...then we went out...i mustve bin kwite twunted coz the last thing I remember was doin the Macarayna in moon boots with Wally Wheels in his lekky chair till the battery  went...came home an ad me home comunyon for brekfast...i washed me front window in me bra today so nosey nayborhood watch man would clock me an invite me for a roast...it worked...just off now to let the lamb fat drip down me cleevidge as i chew on the bone...good job she's got catarackts...he mite be in his 80s but he's liftin the table wiv a lob on before i get me first mouthfull...catch yerz all later... 

                                                            ~Bev's Home Comunyon~

Remembering Katy...

I had the honour of receiving an invite to join the team of people involved with the Katy Holmes trust...it is a charity I have followed for some time now as some of the immediate family of this beautiful sleeping angel have been following the antics of me and my boring mundane life...what touched me most of all was the words in the request. The fact that I had made a family and their supporters smile in the midst of such grief makes it all worth while...I am happy to say I have accepted and will do all I can to not only promote the trust, but to continue to put a smile on the faces of such a wonderful bunch of people...here is the message to me... 

 I would like to take this opportunity to thank our wonderful Beverly Macca for accepting our request for her to join Team Katy! What we need to do now is find her an official title! We have asked the Bevlar to join the team because while we have been in the depths of our grief over losing our precious Katy Holmes, we have often seen Bev's updates on Twitter and Facebook and fallen about laughing! This has helped us through a very difficult time, every now and then our spirits have been lifted and we are very grateful to her! So, with this in mind, what title can we give our Bev? Bearing in mind we are a charity of course! maybe Beverly Macca CBA Spirit Lifter? or Beverly Macca CBA Team Katy Court Jester? Please pop some ideas on here and maybe Bev will see one that's very fitting for her! Thanks everyone and especially thanks to Bev x

Here is the link to the trust: http://www.katyholmestrust.co.uk/

There are some very sad, nasty and bitter people in this world who seem to not only take pleasure in being unkind but live their lives that way...I have been on the receiving end of it for no apparent reason recently...and I only hope the people concerned feel so much better...I'm sure they are feeling very proud of themselves now and patting each other on the back and stroking egos...when you see what nice genuine people are going through in their lives like Katy's family it puts things into true perspective...I am glad I am who I am with the love and support I have from GENUINE people around me...Take care, look out for and after eachother...now...where's that 5 liter box...I'm parched....and me tites need a rinse thru...laterz...xxxx

Eamonn or Eamoff...

**IMPORTANT NOTICE**

EAMONN HOLMES AND RUTH LEE ARE STILL TOGETHER AND HAPPY.

THIS IS DESPITE PRESS REPORTS LINKING EAMONN TO BEVERLY MACCA.

Hiya...that is a press release bin put out from Casa Holmes-Lee...wat a week i've ad...i'll start wiv the story that has triggerd roomers about me n Saint Eamonn of the Holmes...many who follow me n Eamonn (Amy to me) know he often mentions and RT's me durin his Sunrise show on Sky...it's the Macca Magnet...it's a kurse...I'm like that Samantha Brick (silent P) i did feel for her...wimin hate me coz i'm garjus too...but i keep me leggins up high an carry on...well i take an interest in kurrent affairs an set me alarm to wake up wiv Eamonn on me box...nothin better...I'll often flick while I'm watchin...only in the adverts...I like to see wats happenin on Daybreak an wat Charlotte an Jackie are wearin incase they are copyin me...here's were it begins...

Now i've alot of time for the lovely Ruth Lee...between you n me i think she trys to fashon herself on me which would explain alot...I remember watchin her on me nite shift at 'Lesso' garage sellin

snoods n choklit fountains on the shoppin channel...loved her...she could make you think you really wanted a ship in a bottle with brass effect plack wiv yer name n birthday on it...anyways i agress as the posh say...Amy puts up with a lot with Ruth...some wimin will spend a fortchoon on Y'ves saint luigi bags or Lengtharik perfumes or even Timmy Shoos...not Ruth...it's candles...not any ald Pound Paradise one either...that Joan Malone...dunno if she's relayted to that fat bird wiv the gastric band from Shameless Tina...dun alright if she is...well Casa Holmes-Lee is fit to burst wiv the buggers...Amy said it's like livin wiv an alkaholic...not bottles under the boards but bleedin candles...between you n me she is gettin help for it...the camel that broke the straws back was wen Amy went out in the Volvo n the enjin management lite came on...sheed only stuffed the engine bit wiv the latest 'Peeony n Poppy Powder' candles...438 of the buggers...well on This Mornin they were doin a test to see if yer can tell cheap sossiges from the lips n arseholes sossiges...I thort I'd tweet n ask if Ruth could tell the diffrence between the Joan Malone 'Juniper n Clematis' or the Pound Paradise Cheese n Onion one...well bugger me I was just defrostin a prawn ring with me hairdryer for lunch an like one of them subliminal messiges he says me name he even make me shop Pound Paradise sound secksy 'Poynd Poradoise'...here it is...live on the air...

well I nearly popped a love egg into me prawn ring...me fone went mental...me twitter was Twunted n me Facebook pokes went thru the roof...she was laffin n all that but if yer look closely i can read her mind...she waz ragin...i goes off to work an folk were clockin me name badge an that were it...me supervisor Fat Sue wiv the smart car nearly choked on her piri piri pastie with anger...I woz moved onto Feminin Hi Jean in the end as a punishment...that was that so I thort...next day there i am gettin ready to go to werk puttin me athleets foot spray on with This Mornin in the background an lown behowld...i'm lookin at Kate Thorntons dress thinkin is that Labia Lilac or Menopausal Mauve an I heard it again that dusky Oirish voice...me fanny nearly bit me leg off! here it is again

Bless the lovely Kate...she then announces to the werld she follows me on Twitter too...it all went mental then...korse I goes off to werk an i cant get near me till...even feminin Hi Jean was mobbed...the Cheese n Onion sentid candles were off the shelves too...an online purchase to a RL in Surrey werever that is I woz sent home early...so i'm now bein asked to do a centre spred in Have A Rest Magazine...an I've got Cliff Maxford ringin me phone off the hook to sell the story...as if...wat goes on in Casa Holmes-Lee stays there...well that was the highlite of me week...I alreddy av a lovely relayshonship with This Mornin coz me Coleen Nolan, Bret and Jonny av a bit of banter in the mornins that folk seem to like...i think Jonny has a bit of a hotspot for me...so duz Bret but heez just shy......heres some more news...not arf as ecksitin as that

Only other bit of ecksitement is nosey nayborhood watch man bangin on me back door the other nite...i was tryin to find me bra n only ad me tites on...so i didnt open it for him...well talk abowt persistent...he must hav ad 5 goes as me back door before I gave in...he near had a brown hemmoridge wen he saw me...but I did feel sorry for him...he had brort me wat he called a cabbidge from his Lotment...i took it n said thanks but wen I got it in i didn't know wether to cook it or pop it up me hoop...look at it...it's like one of me gays butt plugs...well i've waffled on enuff...Cliff Maxford is on me blower agen...I'll av to go...before I do can i wish a lovely man god speed on his journees in his caravan...heez gon up in the werld...i new him wen he was just one level caravan...now he's got a loft extenshon...Cownsiller Chris Blakeley an lady Blakeley hav a lovely time at Presthaven sands Talaker...tell Welsh Wayne in the bingo hall yer now me...he'll shake his balls up for yer...here's the newly renovated Caravan of Luuuuurve...laterz...

~Beverly Macca CBA~

 

Jewbillee n on the Juice...

What a few days i've ad...i now just how her laydeeship the Lady dame Queen Lizzybeth feels...I'm egzorsted...just abowt got the enerjee to type this diary update for yerz...Well...it all started on Friday when I had to do the Birkenhead Olympic Flame run...it woz a grate onor to be asked...they did ask the woman from the Birkenhead Market advert whooz hand point to the Welks in the fish market but she turned it down due to water retenshon...i'm a slave to that curse but it didn't stop me sayin no...i waz picked up by the Yaris layed on for me by the komittee an taken to the start of the root... I went from the derilickt house on Corpie Rd...along past the DSS i lit sum tabs for the family members outside with their Staffies...thru Birkenhead market...set fire to the skip on Borough Rd an finished off in Birkenhead Park...

I nearly popped a love egg wen i saw who thay had layed on to greet me with the flame...it was the bewtifully sucksessful Dame Lady Princess Esther of the Mcvey...she of the Towers of Parliment in Londin...and she had a rather cute couple of bouncers wiv her...one was Boppin Blakeley...known for his Macarayna at counsil do's...slipped me his card...we shared a conversayshon about keepin yer bush trimmed...heez into Hornyculture...Esther was charmin as per...i've always looked up to her coz we are very similar in our careers as power women...I ad to fite to get me Timmy Shoos back off her tho...i was swettin a bit in me fur but it woz worth it...it waz a huge sucksess and I was taken to dinner by the Mayor to Sheila's Meals on Cleveland Street...

Got caught on kamra with the other lovely bouncer handy Andy as heez known to the local gerls...he woz garjus...I offered to show him a real woman but he just froze...he asked if he could touch me trophy...i was just hoistin me skirt up before I realised he meant me Pound Paradise award...ded embarrassin...but Esther covered it up well for me...wat a great day...

Like her Maj i too woz in grate demand this weekend...I was ded kindly invited to Cha Bar to advertise their Jewbillee afternoon tea...wat a lovely place too...the ambulance was ded frendly thanks to Team Julie...thay even had a bottle of chilled Lambrini in for me with me cream tea...that waz a huge sucksess too...so if yer ever on the Wirral an fancy a cuppa or summit stronger get along...you'll be made ded welcome...i waz pestered a bit by the crowds...agen I blame Katherine Jenkins...they were all starin...I know why...they were thinkin it was me...wen she woz singin at the openin of the Ascot races me fone and Facebook went mad...'is that you...didn't know you could sing'....i ad to turn it off in the end...Even Sky newsis Charlotte Hawkins tweeted me to say about the similarity....spooky...then came Sunday...

Jubilee day Sunday...me n Jewbillee Jim hit the road...i kept wiv the nortikal theem an had me lifejacket i nicked as a suveneer on an Air 2Bob flite years ago...had a fab day...me n me gays gatecrashed a few parties...peeple were ded kind an full of jewbillee spirit...so waz i by the end of the nite...i mustve started to walk home...bad move coz its all cuntree lanes that'll lern me coz I woke up as the sun was comin up an was face to face with Babe...

Had a panic too coz i cudnt find me Timmy Shoos...turns out I'd left them at the gays...thank the baby yazu...then came to yesterday...a crackin day...karnt beleev its still goin on...lovin the time off and the booze...I wondered if we get a payment for this Jewbillee thing...yer now like a cold weather payment...I'll check me bank tmoz...went to a ded posh party too that had a pool too...dont remember much about it coz i was a poco Twunted by then...but me Timmy Shoos were soakin today so I mustve ad a dip at some point...so...that's been my last few days... 

Right...got a Jewbillee prawn ring defrosting...must dash...but before I do I'll tell yerz a little sekrit...at the posh party with the pool was a very speshall guest...I nearly popped a pile...it was her Majistee...she was up on a sekrit tour...we ad a ball...she said she cud really let her hair down as the old man was layed up...sadly she had to head off back to Londin to go to church an do some wavin today...she just text me this picture on her '1Phone'....can I ask you all to raise a glass now...stand up and wish this amazing laydee a happy Jewbillee...she is 'Liz the Biz'....laterz...

                                         God save our Queen...from Beverly Macca...