ock eye da noo!

well frig my flaps till friday..what a day ive had. well i say day im now into me second day and im not long home. firstly i didnt get the job. secondly i didnt make the intervew. wanna now why then reed on.

well i left my place at 4am for a 5pm intervew in londin. got lost finding the moterway an got on it 4hrs later. i had a bag of pasties i had defrosted an a flask of poundland premier tea. i was all set up or so i thought. i hadnt driven on the moterway before. not unless i woz in the cab of an eddy stobart van. i didnt realise you had to stop so often. i kept seein a sine saying Tiredness Kills Pull Over...so i must have had to stop every half an hour coz i woz fucked. but every stop ment i met an eddy stobart mate. so id av to have a little fumble there and the time woz flyin by.

now i forgot me drivin glasses so i cudnt really reed the road signs but i woz told it woz a strate line wonce i woz on the motorway. well it woz. sort of. next thing i see this haze in the distanse an i thort it woz the smog they talk about in Londin. well i pulled over agen before i hit the smog. went into the services and the womin smelt of wisky. then wen she spoke i cudnt understand a friggin word she said. turns out she woz scotch an i woz in fuckin scotland. it turns out the haze i saw woz the haze of 100.000 fryin pans firing up for the nite over scotchland. i nearly shat a pastie. iw was fucked. no way cud i make it back to londin for me intervew now. i nipped into the travel lodge to park a darkie an got chattin to a lovely lad called jimmy mac. only young an never felt a real womin in his life. so i let him see wat a real womin feels like. it woz over in a splash. but he woz ded romantic an took me up the haggis. a famus restrornt in scotchland. he did all the orderin in scotch i woz ded impressed. well as luck wud have it anuther of me stobbart mates was in there. he had just emptied hiz load so had an empty contayner. said hed put me cunto in it and giv me a lift home. hows that for luck. anyway i better go i can hear him slappin his meat. gotta pay for me lift home ill kick him out first thing tmrw. only came down for some lube cudnt find any so ive got some mazola cookin oil. laterz... 

facebook n bingo!

carnt stop im in the stock room doin me own stock take if yer get me drift. im bored now...mite give fat frank a blowy and do a half day. nip up the bingo. on that subject take a look at this bingo link on Facebook. go to it and like it ive got a shag restin on it. and wile yer in facebook why not add me as yer frend. i aint fussy ill take anyone despite yer criminal rekord. well i am a bit fussy i got a frend rekwest from that red haired cow Rebekah Brookes. no way wud i ecksept her....well if she slips me a few kwid i mite. heres the links. laterz.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/For-Everyone-who-likes-Bingo/227149817315726

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001638772950

Hack attack

just takin a moment out of gettin munted to share my ode to the phone hackin scandal. i now i am not won for takin life serious but i really feel for the familys and all involved. i will miss the News of the world for checkin me bizness deals. but good riddanse to bad rubbish.

Rebekah N Rupert what have you done,
your empire is crashing including the Sun.
Your crime is so evil and a stab in the back
for the suffering folk whose phones you did hack.

News of the World is dead and gone,
as an arse wiping rag it was second to none.
Two red tops gone in just a week,
what now for Rupert and the other little geek.

What did they get from listening in,
deleting messages and rifling the bin.
A poor murdered girl's family made to suffer more,
9-11 victims with their grief so raw.

Here's hoping they get the maximum term,
and from their mistakes let's hope they learn.
Alas I fear not and soon they will say,
that was the past, welcome to the Sun on Sunday.

off with a bang!

well the weekend is here an it started wiv a bang...no not that bang...me bastard shower blew up last nite wen i woz gettin ready to go out. twiggy did it a while ago wen we waz daytin. i ended up avin to go out to the shed and hose me nancy with cold water. i could feel me flaps clamp like a penis fly trap as the cold water hit. iron lung lill from next door was watchin out of her window shakin her bleedin head. i just turned me arse to her and let rip. she nearly poppped a sanatogin...

also ruined a pair of me sexy nickers last nite. pat pong pete gets me copies of Victoria's Secret stuff. they are called Lillian's Lie. identical to the real stuff half the price. well i popped a cuple of me love eggs up me hoop last nite to get me juices flowin. I felt the buggers go off while i was chopmpin on me deep fried toffee balls at the chinky. i left them up there coz i didn't want to get toffee sauce on me minge. when i went to the loo later in the nite me crotch was burnt thru in me nickers. id used them cheap shite batteries from our shop an theyd leaked right thru me labia onto me nickers.

Can you belive the bevlar didn't cop off last nite. i must be losin me touch. well I say didn't cop off -  ken wong way who owns the chinky gave me a freebie last nite. yer see he likes a chopstick up his arse while he haz one off the wrist into a bowl of chickin and sweetcorn soup....don't ask. I have to do the chopstick an talk dirty to him. its friggin hard too doin that an tryin to eat me speshal fried rice. things i do for a free feed. right off for carry on karryoke tonight at the socshial club. yer have to dress as yer fave carry on caracter. im torn between hatty jakes an barbara windsor. laterz.

itchy nancy

sweet baby yazu....im draggin me fanny around me laminayte floor to try and cool it down. can i just say if yer plannin to av yer down belows dun for yer holidays dont go for the new brazillian - minge singe. its all the rage thay say. i went to Sharm el Sharons salon Tu Tan Cum In. remember i told yer, shes been going there for years met a fella there dragged him back and has turned the salon all egypshon. well shes bin advertisin this new minge singe for a while. its meant to keep yer bush neat an leave a bit of fuzz for yer fella.

well she sends me off to the treetment room tells me to get ready and the bewtishon will be wiv me soon. so i strip off me lower garments got me nancy on full view an who walks in but friggin mustaffa visa, her fella holdin a ginseng an cammamile sentid candle. i nearly shit a brik. then he says all carm it ok bev er lee. i am kwallified. turns out sharm el sharon az paid for him to do a corse. anyways not two minits in i can smell singein hair i looked down an me fanny looked like a ripped out fireplace. in the end i said just shave the lot off. so that wat ive dun.

well the weekend is hear..and the bevlar is on top pullin form. stutterin stu is home from afganistan so hes a contender an bi polar brian is back on the happy pills so e mite be in for ride on the bevlar express. laterz.

bye bye poundland...hello paradise

well the bevlar has had kwite an interesting day.... ive been head hunted... not hunted to give head... altho im told im kwite good in that department. Poundparadise have heard how good i am at sellin me Far Lar (in house perfume)....ive had more men sniffin round it than yer can shake a shitty stick at. well Poundparadise are openin up on our high street and wanna take the bevlar... i dont now what to do. im torn. as much as i bitch abowt fat frank, lynee wiv the limp an fat sue with the smart car i wud kind of miss them. any tips as to wat i shud do.

after me trorma yesterday ive managed to get the shit off me Timmy Shoos. Pat pong pete had a cleanin solushon that gets stains off. cud cum in handy in the car too. theres billy stains everywhere in me Cunto. I'm avin a kwiet nite in tonight...im munted. i picked up a cuple of donnas from mustaffas on the way home an just 2 liters into a 5 liter box of me fave leebfrowmilk. catch yerz later. dont forget to add me on facebook if yer wont. i aint fussy ill take anyone. laterz.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001638772950

titanic rescue

omg...i never fayl to suprize meself sometimes. can i start by sayin a big thank you to the boyz on the inshore lifeboat who came to me rescue this mornin. im sorry about the fuss i made about me timmy shoos too but thay were me best pair. you woz all fookin garjus too.

 so how did it all happen. well i desided to go out wiv the gays last nite to the rice bar. i didnt av any onken in me fridge to i thort id give me nancy a rest. we ad a crakin nite, them gays now how to partayyyy. ad a bit of a disaster wiv me jeggins tho. we woz doin oops upside yer head on the floor an i got them cort on a nail. ended up takin me tites off from under me jeggins. well i got a teensy bit twunted an lone behold there waz a man there who waznt a gay. he approwched me an said he liked the smell of me Far Lar. told him i was the face of Far Lar think e woz impressed. well one thing led to another an before you now it i left the gays to it. the lites had come on and thay were all chekin owt whos takin who home. me feet were stickin to the floor at that point too.

barry the bouncer was hiz name. he woz ded romantik too. had flavored loob wiv him gave me a choice of flavors. well we end up in the iceland car park and hav a bit of shall we say adult fun. i woz hopin he mite walk me home via Mustaffas kebab house... yeh rite there all the same. no sooner had he dumped his muck he woz off. i didnt now wat to do so i set off for home. dont now how but i ended up on the beach. i woke up in the early hours thinkin id pissed me pants. it was the tide comin in. i was stranded an me undergarment had bin removed. worst of all me timmy shoos were stuck solid in the mud. lukily i had me mobile wiv me an rang 999 they sent the inshore rescue to get me. i am so trormatized. goin for a hot bath an takin a bottle of lambrini wiv me. laterz.

fanny by gas lite

ok so i woz off raydar. i now yerz all thort i woz up to no good. well i woz a bit. ive been helpin owt mike and the mechanic with there car sales. yerz now he duz cut and shuts he made me Cunto for me (P reg Corsa and a T reg Punto) well ive not bin totally onest wiv yerz. ive bin workin on the side for him deliverin the cars. well on thursday i waz nearly cort by the fuzz. i woz deliverin a Labia for him ( Lada and Fabia) jesus did I have to work me Labia hard to escape.

I did manage to escape them but the rozzers rekognized me from me limp. long story but i only limp wen im due on. anyways mikes got a anty in the lake distrikt. i woz shipped of there till it all died down an she was my ally by. now i aint dissin the lake distrikt but fuck me its back in the dark ages. no fone signal no wi fi i woz bored shitless. d'ya now she didnt even have lecky lights. i ad to wash me Fanny by gas light, nearly singed the fucker. but the piss of resistance as thay say in france woz some old geezer bangin me up this mornin with his stick. he woz bangin on me bedroom window. mikes anty said thats there alarm clock. i woz off kwicker than wank.

anyway thanks to vlad the lovely eddie stobart driver i made it home to tell the tale and live anuther day. i missed yerz all. ta for all the private messiges an i will reply to them. now mike is workin on a new car if any of yerz is interested. its a CliTaurus. a Renault Clio/Ford Taurus crackin family car. let me now if yerz interested. Laterz....

witch hazel

sweet baby yazu...im fallin to peeces. wat wiv me athleetes foot me flap flare up now its me bleedin vajazzle. anyone got any tips on how to stop me vajazzle from gowin septic...ive ad to bathe me pubic zerconias in witch hazel..stung to frig...ive bin reedin abowt a new craze called hooplajazzle...its were yer get yer chocklit starfish or the posh werd is sfinkter decorated wiv diamonds...im gonna see if sheez doin them at Tu Tan Cum In salon...sheez dragged old mustaffa over from sharm el shake already...its doomed yer now...eez only after er money...im avin a kwiet nite in tonight wiv a 5litre box of leebfrowmilk that was marked down at bargain booze. its a bit owt of date but its alkohol so im gessin it kills off any germs. im goin to head office tmoz to get a sales award for me Far La... im ded chuffed. rekon ill see mike hunt agen. laterz.

atheleets foot

im not avin much luck today. what wiv me flaps flarin up now its me athleets foot. dunno why its called that tho coz i do shit all eckersize. me mates reckon its me Timmy Shoos pat pong pete gets for me coz theyr plastic. i made the mistake of tellin john paul about it. he said hed red about it in a book an yer have to piss on yer foot to make it go. soft shite here beleeved him. he ad a piss on me foot then when hed finished he said oh no i think thats for a poyzen jellyfish sting but can i av a wank on yer feet now. cheeky get. i cudnt get me tights off later they were sticky as fuck. right gotta dash im doin my bit for charity tonight before i go out. the red cross shop is close now till monday an theres a load of stuff outside in bags. im off to get the pick of it beforethe ald lezzers get in on monday and take the best stuff. laterz...

Can i just say... thanks for all the private messiges but the answer is NO! thats not Twiggy spreddin me legs... I aint a fuckin Oompa Loompa...