50.000 smackers...or hits...

OMG! whood've thort it...sat in me box room on me old lap top writin about me ded borin life eatin a prawn ring pot noodle n avin a glass of me fave Lambrini...just 1 follower on Twitter 2 frends on Facebook an no Logsite to web onto...jump forward to now an sweet baby yazu i'm gobsmacked... over 50,000 smacks or hits on me secret diary...loads of frends/Bevettes on Facebook and nearly 1400 followers on Twitter...not to menshon me own Logsite for yerz to Web onto...I just wanna say a massive thanks for all yer followins frendships n support...i'll say it agen I'm ded soz me life is so borin n uneventful...i'm all mod cons now wiv a new lap top...here's me old one...

  

i'm even Androyd now too...had a crackin day in werk on Saturday...Fat Sue wiv the smart car was off so it waz a good laff...i woz doin the instore muzik so it was Black Lace all the way wiv a bit of Russ Abbott to add to the mix...mite do a bit of DJayin on me days off...it woz the lornch of another Pound Paradise product the Booze Bag...they were gon in an hour...i bort most of them for me gays...its made satdee nites much cheaper...talkin of satdee...they were kewin out the door for the new Booze Bag...plus thay new I woz back on promoshons...I still get them askin to sniff me Far La...months after it was launched...here's the Booze Bag...

 

Spent Satdee afternoon  watchin Glee on Sky plus wiv me gays an fillin up our Booze Bags...then it woz time to partaaaay! I woz taken up the Wong-Un for a change...that's two Chineeze take aways in our villige now...now those who now me will now I suffer from a very rare illness called 'Canklelimpitis' i think i'm the only nown case...I get swollen ankles an a limp when i'm on me munthlees...well the curse is here an I cudn't get into me Timmy Shoos...I went to see old Winnie Wong-Wei from the other takeaway an she showed me how to bind me feet so i managed to get me Timmys on....look its amayzin...

I remember up to a sertain point...doin the bump...Oops upside yer hed...an conga to Rene n Renata's save your love for me...then it woz a blur...i woke up on a memorial bench wiv a lovely man in uniform lookin down on me...I fell in love wiv Mike Over...I've searched everywhere on FB Twitter for him...my nite in shinin armur...he drove me home...i think i woz gettin on his nerves coz i kept askin wat his name was...then his workee torkee would go and heed shout MIKE OVER...I'll keep lookin for him...he left a doctor hoo sock at my place...it's like Sinderella in reverse...i'll leave yerz wiv this pic of me gettin into Mike's car...laterz...an thanks again... XXXX

 

**BREAKING NEWS**

How ecksitin is this...just got an email from Pound Paradise hed offise while doin me blog tellin me of a new product you are ferst to know...i rekon these are gonna be a big hig...lets face it who duzn't suffer PCRS after a curry? Post Curry Ring Sting...so come on down and try my Ring Of Fire wet wipes...

who is saynt jorge...

This is a messige to all me haters...its an important messige too coz i get it all the time...its a kurse i have to live with an its not easy...some say i get me looks from me berth mum Vanessa Feltz...but as the poster says...don't hate me...

Well had a lezurlee week in werk last week...managed a few hours...still not a 100% but i'm gettin there...slowly...an fat sue with the smart car aint happy...but she cant tutch me coz i'm under the DDA...she is still not happy coz we are allowed to hav our mobile fones with us on the till...as i keep sayin its me sivil rite...peeple power an the union rule...Saturday nite was a goodun...it was to selebrayte Saint George...i was so ecksited coz i thort the tribewt was gonna be there...not a sign of him...an thay only played one song Careless Whisper of saint Georges all nite...I nearly didnt get in...its a new bowncer on the door an he didnt now me...so he said...but it waznt long before he had us waved thru an into the VIP area...just one werd.... Zzzzip!...he woz ded polite an sed thank you, turned out he woz Bobby Goldtop the milmans son...we went Tai insted of Chineeeze...it was lovely...but I had a mishap...i had a tai curry...went to the loo an scratched me nancy...mustve ad a bit of chilli on me acrylics...me Nancy was on fire...i had to pour a bottle of evian down me drawers...wat a waste...

as the song goes...'i had the time of me life'...thursday nite...it was Glee nite...i unplug me fone...blow up me Darren Criss an bop away...baby yazu me fanny woz bitin me leg off...all me fave choons n garjus men...i got a bit carried away...I stood on Darren with me Timmy Shoo...next thing i now i'm chasin him round me lounge hissin like a rattle snayke...gutted...i've taped him up for now...roll on next thursday...i just now Darren will love me...as Saint Mikeal of the Buble sang 'He just hasn't met me yet'...

Well another sunny day another few sherries up at the wonderful Gusto Heswall...i woz avin a Audree Roberts day.....or woz it Audree Hepbern...well she woz ded glam i remember seein her with a scarf on all the time...i sat on the terris an as usual the lovely team at Gusto tret me like a laydee...thay said i always add a tutch of glamur to the playce...i woz presented with a bunch of flowers from the lovely Laura Jane...i woz tooted by passers by on busses n bikes...agen its me natchural bewty...i made there days by wavin back...giv giv giv...I also met a lovely layde called Liah...she woz tryin to flog me some Cupcakes...didnt take much sellin...thay were bleedin garjus...you should av a look on her Facebook page 'Custom Cupcakes'...better than them Crusty Cream donuts...anywayz..must dash...gotta av a foot spar coz i've sprayed me feet with me hair lacker instead of me Athleets foot spray...feel like i've got a club foot...I'll leave yerz with a cuple more pics from Gusto Heswall...the place to be seen...fabulous food, ambulance and staff...laterz...

                                  Top - Liah from Custom Cupcakes. Bottom is Laura Jane Gusto
  

just a normal ish week...

Well woz back to werk wiv a bang...as i sed im on a fazed return coz of me Canklelimpitis...doin an hour a day at Pound Paradise...as i sed by the time i faff wiv me uniform an av a natter i'm only in for about 30 minits...fat Sue wiv the smart car is ragin i can tell...i was bizzy this weekend in me garden...well i say garden it's a window box but it duznt arf take it out of me...i broke a nail too so i went sick for Monday...alot of yerz are askin me about Saturday nite...well i had a bit of a kwiet one...opened a few 5 liter boxes of me finest an went on me daytin site...the rest is a blur...woke up on the sunday mornin an i felt like Doris Day...i was tucked up under me Peppa Pig doovay...Tites intactus an me clothes were fowlded nicely...went to have a shower an heard a noise downstairs...well i turned into Sugar Ray an had to restle this out me living room...bleedin hoof marks on me laminayted floor...

I didnt ask any kwestions...nosey nayborhood watch was out washin his Mondayo...nearly swallowed his shammy when he saw me pushin Shergar and Fred West out me house...as i sed it was all a blur thank the baby yazu...then came Monday...

i made the painful and diffikult deesizion to not go into werk with me broken nail an feelin of knackerdness...so i booked meself into Sharm El Sharon's salon Tu Tan Cum In...she was advertisin her all new all singin an dancin fish peddycure...wat a load of ald shite...got there an she said 'sorry my new ekwipment has bin delayed'...next thing i've got me foot dippin into a bleedin babys potty full of a few skanky goldfish...it was crap...luckily i took me own booze...all was kwiet till last nite...I got a email from hed offis to say Pound Stretcher had annownced thay are openin in Doobi...thay went on to say they are moniterin it an may follow...as seenior promoshons person wud i consider goin over...i nearly shat a love egg...too rite i wud...but then i rememberd things like yer carnt eat bacon buttys an drink...an yer hav to cover yerself up...but i had one of them Ooobyas were yer cover yerself up...here i am in it...so that was me uneventful week to now...i'll leave yer wiv the vision of me in me Ooobya...laterz... 

 

Jesus bunny an choklit...

Hiya...hope yerz all ok an had a great eester...my Jesus Rabbit dumped a great load in my back room...i'm still werkin me way thru it...mind you most of it is that Taiwanese choklit we got in Pound Paradise Yuk-Shi-Tee...not bad if yer eat it wiv crem de menth...didn't make it into werk much last week...me canklelimpitis was playin up...I'm on a fazed return to work...doin 1 hour a day for a few weeks...it's a struggle but i'll do it...Satdee nite was fab...me n me gays had bin on the lash since 2 in the afternoon...we spent the rest of the day injektin cadbrees cream eggs wiv Bailees lick your...big mistayke...i remember havin me tea an gettin to the rice bar...even remember doin the konga to Russ Abbots what an atmosfere...but next thing I new I woke up in a bedsit in Sthellins...next to me was a bloke covered in choklit harf naked harf bunny rabbit...i made me exkewsis and got outta there...he asked if I fancied a stick of choklit rock for brekfast!...luckilee I got a lift from one of me Eddy Stowbart mates...didnt want payin...just asked to lick the choklit off me back...carnt hav bin that nice coz me back is peelin a bit from sunburn last week...

Well anuther product hits Pound Paradise an i'm seeniur promoshons so i get to flog it...introdewsin Loo-Pee...its Korean wine...i got harf Twunted on it this mornin...had to leave me Cunto (Corsa/Punto) at werk...harf the OAP's had to be carried out via Saint Jons Ambalance coz thay were tryin the samples...I just filled me mug...its OK but I had to drink it wiv a haribo to take the edge off...but for a pound who cares...cud be me new tipple...rite...carnt stop...but before i go take a look at this...

 Well sumthin i woz tryin to keep kwiet broke yesterday...i woz approwched by Have A Rest magazine to talk about me yoyo wayt an diets...plus me fitness dvd...i did it an the foto shoot...i wont lie an say there waznt a likkle bit of airbrushin...but talk abowt day shar voo...remember Tricia Penrose in my dress at the pound paradise awards...well within minits of this goin live on Facebook an Twitter look wat also came out...

Look closely at the bottom of the cover...Ms Penrose flashin her bits...sheez a long way to go yet till she gets to my size mind...but her people are doin summit to sabby targe me dontcha think...get me 'Dontcha'...I'm like a Pussycat Doll...rite...must dash...need to do a wash an me Loo-Pee needs a refil...laterz...

Moocho Goosto... - Gusto -

OMG...i am sooooooooo in luuuuuurrrrve with Gusto Heswall...if i'm onest i'm in luuuurrrve with a cuple of the staff too.....dont say owt...i'v bin there a few times now...first wen i won a kompetishon to win a bottle of sumthin called Prosthetico...I thort Hether Mills was gonna be involved but she wasnt to be seen...the staff are ded ded nice...from enterin to leavin i felt like a prinsess...the ambulance in there is amayzin...everyone is ded chilled lovely muzik...well i askd if thay had 'Agadoo' remix by Black Lace but thay didnt...but the lovely Laura Jane didnt make me feel odd like wen i asked for it at The Ivy....... not the one in Londin the one in Litham Stanns...then came the food...well i woz touched...sadly not by Shaun...(see pics below)....well if you wanna reel treet get yerself there... 0151 348 4538...

Well what d'ya now...Friday 23rd March 2012...got me bonus from Pound Paradise...chucked a sicky coz Fat Sue with the Smart car has put Simply Group UK lockers in our staff room sayin we carnt have are Mobile fones on the tills with us...thats anuther story...I agress as the posh folk say...so i heds into Heswall...left the Cunto (Corsa/Punto cut n shut) at home so I cud neck a few...lown behold whoos walkin out as I walk in but Barbara Royle...aka the beautiful n talented Sue Johnston...I nearly popped a love egg...I curtseed an all that...dont think she recognized me  coz she said 'I've left you a tip on the table'...well there was a lovely posh do on...I blagged me way in doin an Irish acksent an said 'Hoi Ar Yoi Oi am Catherine Zeeta Jones so I am to be shure'....the doorman didn't clock a thing...I was in before you could say 'Take yer medikayshon Micheal...you wernt in Sparticus it woz yer dad'...the rest as thay say is histree...I'll leave yer with these pics wich say it all...Thank you agen Laura an all the Team at Gusto Heswall for makin me feel speshal...as Saint Stevie of the Wonder sang 'For Wons In My Life'....

It duznt end there...oh no...who do i bump into in the gents...(ladies waz full so i took a chance)...Saint Peter Of The Price...from Radio City, Citytalk and vareeous other who hars...I nearly died...he said he didnt now me at ferst but once I told him about me n Bob Monkhouse at the Poundland bash a few years ago he waz all over me like a rash...he woz a reel gentleman...i never payd for a drink all day....don't tell Laura I took me own...he woz on the posh stuff an nearly spat hiz crown wen he tasted my nectar...well we partied away for ages...we were in the VIP sweet coz Laura said I mite put the diners off there teas with me natchural bewty an femin nin charm...so she even shut the curtain to be shure...i'm still on clowd nine...altho sumwon nabbed me Far La from the Bar...here are the rest of the pics...Laterz...

~Thanks to Gusto and the team, Pete Price and the wonderful Greg for the photo's and video~

'Flamin' heck...

Well well well...just a likkle diary update after the weekend from hell...had a few texts from Eyerish eyes...dunno if he is interested...but got news yesterday from the cownsil to say I had been chosen to carry the Birkenhead Olympic torch...it will go from the burnt out ford mondayo on corporayshon road all the way thru town...round the piramids shoppin senter quick pass via the DSS office...an finish by settin light to the skip by the tunnell entrance with the matress and disabled scooter on...i am ded onored...hopin me Twitter frends Andy Bonner...Lucy Meacock...and Ann O'Connor will cover the story...we hav a speshal bond...Claire Ashforth is pencilled in...but Elaine Willcox carnt make it coz she is buyin some more coats that day!...

Eyerish thighs were smiling...

Hiya...hope yerz all ok...its muthers day an i'm spendin it lookin at old youtubes of me dear mum Vanessa Feltz who still carnt bring herself to aknowlidge me...one day i hope she will before its too late an i'm internashonal saleswoman travellin the werld with me Far La...Talkin of that...bizzy ish week in werk wen i woz in...Fat Sue wiv the smart car really doin me hed in now...she's given me the runaround all week...sheez determined that i leave me phone in a locker...she can Shit Off...its me human rite...the gobs on the punters wen i'm textin wile scannin...I say i paid to scan not to talk to you...ded chuffed me promoshon stand has bin moved out of Jabba's eyline...

Well nobody can say i'm not kulturally aware...it was Saint Paddys day yesterday an I recognised it wiv a green potatow...i think me FB mates an Twitter were kwite impressed...well I don't now were to start...there is a new factree bein bilt not far an we've got a load of Irish guys stayin nearby...OMG...its true wat thay say about them...bleedin garjus...thayve bin comin in the shop all week for krisps...its the closest we hav to potatows...well me n me gays started early on a pub crawl...i'v never bin so Twunted for ages...so much so we took the mobility skooter out coz by the time it got to Rice bar time i cudn't stand...the basket came in handy for me minitchurs...had a nice all yer can eat buffay but dont remember eatin it...found some me handbag today so i'm gessin i ate summit...well me gays were wizzin me round the floor in the skooter...hardest thing was tryin to do Ooops upside yer hed in it....then my eyes met wiv his eye...FAF...Fit as Fuck Feargal...he lost an eye by gettin sum hot tarmac in it...but the one left waz garjus...i cudnt stop lookin at it...this is were it all went a bit of a blur...reed on...

Now the picktchur speaks for itself its got the police press release attatched to it...now this is stricktly between me n you rite...we had left the Rice bar an i woz starvin...just as i was pullin up i saw Fat Sue wiv the smart car leavin Mustaffas wiv a keebab...i woz ragin...Feargal went to get me a Mixed Meat Feast meal for 2 and a kebab for himself...i kept havin flash backs to the Limo disaster for the Pound Paradise awards...plus her avin a go at werk an i saw red...we were cruisin along an i saw her in the distance...we were goin downhill...i told Feargal to meet me at mine an off i went...full speed an a hill....i cut the engine as i approwched her then BANG...i hit the fat fucker...she went down like a weeble...she wobbled an then fell down...an off i went...so there yer have it...me gays rang to say they had seen her back in Mustaffas less than half an hour later with a Mustaffa Mighty Meat stuffed in her gob...lets see wat she says in werk...

Talkin of werk...just had an email from hed offise to announce a new product I'm gonna be promotin...it has to be annownced to the shopfloor before I can say anythin but I trust you lot...to add to all me other products I am now going to be the face of -

Not bin breefed yet on wat its for...i'm gessin maybe a loobrikant or summit like that...laterz... 

another week beegins...

Mornin all...hope yerz av ad a nice weekend...i did in the end...went out late on Satdee nite after a bit of a downer...but me Twitter mates n FB pals cheered me up...got off wiv Bi polar Brian...he's back on his medikayshon so was on an uppper...last time we went out he was off his meds an started self harmin with the chop sticks when he saw the sweet n sour pork balls...brort back painful memrees of his bullying over the size of hiz Ollys at skool... Ded chuffed today coz wen i got in to werk today they have moved me promoshons stand over near the staff room...so the telly is close an best of all I'm out of site of Fat Sue Wiv the smart car...sheez doin me ed in...really got it in for me...i spiked her coffee wiv ey drops today make her shit thru the eye of a needle...

Talkin of Fat Sue wiv the smart car...i did some sales on ebay...i had loads of parker pens...dvd players an alarm clocks from all the life insurance i applied for for various folk like Minnie Mouse an her family...got me money on Satdee so went shoppin...got meself a few bits an a lovely new pair of leggins...felt like a hundred euros today even got a wolf wissel...Fat Sue walks past looks me up n down an says I look like summit out of Jungle Book...she is a jellus skank...rite...must dash...got to push me Far La for mothers day...its fab all thees cute daddies comin in an askin for a sniff...mite be me lucky week...laters...

In Vogue...

well me bloody fone hasnt stopped ringin...Liverpool Echo...Metro...Birkenhead News...Dog Monthly...but i sold out to the top bidder...Vogue...i've even herd wispers on twitter that Vicky Beckham has got her eye on me...eat yer hart out Nyomi Kambell...


Just had a giggle at my fave show of all times This Morning!...one of the feetures today is Death row recipes!!! You couldn't make it up...Here's the line up for todays show -  

Coming up today… Death row dining delights…

We will have Rustie Lee preparing final feasts for those about to be executed…

*Electrify your taste buds with ‘Piri Piri jerked chicken’
*Hang around for homemade Cajun soup
*Inject some energy with high carb vegetarian pasta dishes

After that our fashion expert will be talking all things final fashion - What would you like to wear on that final catwalk to heaven…

*Orange jump suits are out…Jazz them up with some blinging accessories…don’t go away (oops you can’t) we’ll be right back!

Pound Paradise found...

Well well well...i'm still on clowd ten...as most of yerz will now now i am offishally Pound Paradises top salesperson 2011...all for me servises to me Far La, Klunge, Fanny Floss and more resentlee Le J'aundice (pronownced Shon Dees its forrin)...wat a nite it waz...but wat a nitemare it started as...firstly me gays came round an we had a few boxes of wine...we had booked sykick Serena the sykick for a home reading...she turned up at 2...at first i thort she was shite...Craig wanted to know if he shud marry his Brazillian boyfrend...he says its long term...2 months! Duznt speak a werd of inglish apart from love you visa...then my readin waz that i would hav truble wiv transport and she cud see a shiny helmet or hed...well...next thing i now its nearly 6 i'm in me frock an reddy to go...6.20 no limo that Fat Sue wiv the smart car was supposed to hav ordered so i set off on me heels to get a bus...walkin up Pump lane an who comes along but Kevin Kawasaki...life saver...me nite in shinin armer... here's what happened - 

Anyways I get to the venew just as thay are closin the doors...quick fiddle wiv the bowncer an in i go...we are all called over to the press corner for fotos...just had mine done an i can hear Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell...that song by La Lu...turns rownd to see bleedin Tricia Penrose in my frock...i was ragin...next minit some geezer walks over an says Miss Penrose rekwests you take off your dress...i said Miss Penrose can work it up her...ive bin arownd Pound Paradise longer than her...i stormed off to get sum fizz...next thing i now sheez in a baggy jumper an a pair of leggins...nice as pie tho...we spoke in the carzy later coz she had the wild shites after Mark Simpkin her huzband had dun a balti wiv some out of date chickin...it was her management who said to take me frock off...bless her she even apologised on Facebook today...no hard feelins there...here's the pic - 

 I was so angry i rang me gays to tell them...thay were ded supportiv...here's me chattin wiv them -

Anyways it all goes well after that...had a ball...i waz up dancin wiv Ron Miel an his boyfrend to Macarayna...then we had a nice meal...too posh for me...i took Pound Paradise reddy noodles an got them to put some hot water on for me...then wen the time came I nearly died...thay gave the nominayshons then i didnt hear me name menshoned i was too twunted...i'd kicked me Timmy Shoos off coz me cankles were up like baloons...bugger to get back on to go an make me speech...then just like sinderella it was over...i ended up wakin up in an Eddie Stowbarts in Sandbatch...don't ask...the driver was a new one to me didnt speak a werd of inglish...managed to get home in time for me home communyon...rite...peppa pig doovay day...i'm drayned...lookin at me award as i tipe...thanks for all yer support...here's some more pics from the nite...an no I didn't get off with Mel the Mat Muncher from hed offise...we did hav a laff tho...sheez like a cock in a frock...laterz...