Saddle up N ride yer pony...

Well wat a week i've ad this week...i dont know me arse from me elbow at the moment...i've not had time to put me cankles up hardly...i've bin tryin to skweeze in shifts at Pound Paradise with raydio intervews, then magazine intervews an tryin to get twunted most nites on Lambrini...as yer can see i started the week up at 92.1FM 7waves studio talkin about all things Celebrity Big Brother coz me lovely Coleen is in there...heez one derty get that Adam...i'm sure he turns the heat up before I go in coz not 5 minits in there i'm takin me bra n me tites off...he loves it...got me own back tho wen i tried to seduce him while Agadoo was playin...

That'll lern him...he won't be doin that in a hurry...came home for 5 minits break an run meself a bath...i woz nackered...i had a bit of a Whamathon while I woz soakin...an for all you derty al arses out there it's not a Youfenizm...it was me Andy n George...i was taken back a few years...

That pease and kwiet was shattered when i got the fone call that i had to go an ree deem me prize from Pound Paradise for me sales targets for July...i'm not bein funny but what would you have given me...Bargain Booze vowchers...Chineez buffay vowchers...what did they give me....Bleedin horse ridin vowchers...I ask yer...so off I go...not a werd about wat to wear till i get there an its all too late...sum snottty mare with huge nostrills n a headscarf looks me up n down an asks 'And you are'.... I said 'Friggin taller than you in me Timmy Shoos so shit off'.... she nearly choked on her bleedin plum...anyways she sends me over to this lovely gerl...an off we go...first thing that happens is me friggin Timmy Shoos sank in the soil...I woz buggered...

Anywayz i didn't want to hurt the horse so i left them off an got on in bare feet...took me about 24 attempts to mount it...not a problem i usually hav i must say...but sweet baby yazu that bugger was big...it reminded me of wen me n Fat Frank from werk once tried intimassees in the service lift...never agen...

Anyways i made it up...just...then she says do you want me to lead...I'm like frig me...yer not expectin me to take this bleedin thing off on me own are yer...make it kwik too coz me lambrini is gettin warm in me bag...good enuff she did a cuple of circles an i woz feelin sick as a pig...then came the hardest part...nobody told me i had to get off the fecker...i bet Zara Fillips duz it better than this...  

That waznt the werst of it...talkin of pigs...well I thort it woz a sheep...i woz away the day we went to visit a farm in primary skool...i'd just sat down to hav a swig of me luke warm lambrini an next thing i know there's a Fat Sue wiv the smart car lookey likey lookin back at me...i near shit...luckily i ad a carrot in me bag...dont ask...so i tried to feed it that...little sod tried to eat me cankle chain...

so that was me day at the bleedin farm...never agen...i'm not cut out for that malarkee...now onto another story...see wat i mean...me weeks bin full on...yer all know about me interveiw for Lifestyle Monthly magazine...a glossy that is produced by Amanda (Mander) Moss and her team...i woz asked to talk about me life in an interview which i did...an from next month October I've got me own colum...well here is the finished product...didn't make page 3...but early days hey...i made page 45! That Craig Phillips has a colum in there as well...the little sexy one from the first Big Brother...i'm gonn av a werd wiv Mander an see if we can do a speshall feature were he shows me some tricks wiv his wood...here it is...

its amayzin wat a bit of hairbrushin can do to yer komplexshon...it nocks hours off me...i hope yer'll join me next month an check out me new colum...here's the link to the magazine online -

www.lifestylemonthly.co.uk

Well on a serius note...i've had me share of truble this week too...as yer now theres been a story on Twitter about my duble Katherine Jenkins n David Beckham...well as soon as it hit me confidenshal foneline was on fire...i've ad every paper onto me thinkin its me...i had to get sent home from me till coz of it...here's a pic one of the Pepperazi friggers got of me tryin to get home to watch me life of grime box set after a little trip up the Aldi...

it's not on is it...i'm just a pound shop shelf stacker called Beverly Macca...i hope it's died down now...well how was that for a week...an d'yerz know how I ended it...the best way I could think of...I was taken up the Wong Wei.... I'll leave yerz with that...laterz...xxxx

 

 

Orgazms n Busses...

Iya...how yer doin...hope yer all enjoyin me 50 shades of Paradise...Pound Parasdise...it's goin menkal on the hits wen i post it...well talkin of Paradise...Pound Paradise its bin go go go...I was sat there the other day rushed off me cankles on me till...'1 Item Or Else' lane an me fone goes...it's a lovelee laydee askin me if i'd like to do an interview for her magazeen...well the first thing i thort was she'll want me breasticles out at least...no...sheez ded nice an says sheez a fan an loves wat i do...FFS I serve on a till an let blokes sniff me Far La...wats interestin abowt that...anywayz i says yes an that were that....well low n behowld just like that sayin goes....Yer wait ages for an Orgazm then 3 come at once...she only goes n offers me me own column in Lifestyle Monthly Magazine...I nearly shat a love egg...me the pound shop shelf stacker Beverly Macca wiv me own Column...I felt like Marjeree Proops crossed wiv Ester Rantzen...we ad a meetin an i said yes I'll do it....so if yer out n about an see the Magazine Lifestyle Monthly or go to www.lifestylemonthly.co.uk you can read me bits n bobs...here's Mander Moss who owns an runs it...sheez ded posh...i ad to take a fraze book to now wat she woz sayin...

Anyway...I agress as the posh say...that was that or so I thort...then she menshons me helpin out in the background at Liverpool Fashon Week...showin the gerls how do flornt it n all that...plus me garjus Mark Heyes mite be comin if I can sweet talk him....but to top it all too me garjus Nick Ede mite come too wiv Lizzie Cundy...I'm so ecksited...here's me in me Liverpool Fashon Week tee shirt kurtesee of Mander Moss...

Work hasnt bin grate...i'm gettin loadsa greef abowt bein on me till...i'm not bein funny but duz it say anywere in me kontract that i hav to talk to anyone?...duz it say thow shallt not use yer mobile or read Bella or Real People?...no....but i'm sick of skanky customers moanin...I need to get outta here...wonder if Simone Cowell will av me...at least Mander is helpin take me away from it all...look at the gob on this one...I'd just got to me favorit artickle in me mags the 62 year old woman who had gone to Marmaris in Turkey n Samir the waiter said 'I am lovin you Doreen from Cleethorps an I want to marry you...it is nuthin to do wid yo money'.....the endin is always the same mind...so I new wat was comin....

but thats not the point...she tried to take me magazine off me...how rude...well movin on...Celebrity Big Brother...OMG...the loveliest laydee off the telly is on it...Dame Coleen of the Nolan...me an Col hav a bit of histree from her time at This Morning in the hub...we had great banter an many Tweeters loved it...miss her there...but she is sooooo goin to win this...here we go agen...I'm mindin me own bizness on Friday mornin an Adam from 7waves radio rings me an sayz can you be our Celeb Big Brother voice on me show...another bus another orgazm...so off I goes to the stewdio...i'm not in there 5 minits an i think Adam puts the heat up on the stewdio thermostat just so I take me bra off...an off it came...

we had a good chat live on air an I didnt let a Twunt or a Cunto out...i woz ded prowd of meself...again after that I've bin aksed to do a regular peece wile CBB is on...so if you are near yer wireless choon it into 92.1FM or you can go to www.7waves.co.uk and listen live...it's gonna be called Big Sid's bit on the side...an here's our logo...come an join us an join Adam weekdays between 10 and 2...I'll be there Monday Weds and Friday...

Oh well...I've bin a bad gerl this week an bin out on a skool nite mostly selebraytin me extra bits n bobs...me cankles are up like baloons an i've not had time to fart...but d'ya know I'm lovin it...an i wanna say a big thank you to all of yerz for supportin me...i'm always here for yerz to make yer smile or let yer offload...love yerz all lots........here's the view at Casa Macca most nites this week...laterz...xxxx

 

50 Shades of Paradise...Pound Paradise...

Well yerv read me diary...now its time to read me novel...me ferst novel...i heard all the hipe about that 50 Shades of Gray...then thort my life at Pound Paradise could be made into a novel...it was ded Kathartik to rite...I'll keep postin the chapters as thay come...so make sure you return for more...

Chapter 1 - Vag Fresh

It was an early shift…I hated earlies…my eyes were always stuck together with sticky stuff from the nite before…crusty almost…I made my way to the staff room…undid me blowse to put me overall on…that’s wen I smelt that familiar sent…Haribo….my nipples firmed and I could feel my melting prawn ring drip down my tites…I leaned over an stuck my ring in the freezer for later….I reached to spray myself with my perfume…just then I felt a firm grip on my Far La….’I’ll do that’ came the husky voice via Harolds electro voice box…I held the vibrator firm on his adams apple an asked him to say it agen…Vag fresh he said….yes I said…fabreezed it just for you….he said…no…do you want the usual 10 boxes of the Vag fresh sweets….I giggled like a little gerl…this got him aroused…

               ********************

 Chapter 2 - The lost voice…

Silence…apart from the sound of Harold rummaging to find some triple A batteries for his electro voice box handset…I had drained his power demanding he talk dirty to me…’I can’t last much longer you fat slag’ he said as his voiced faded out…My face was damp with the grease of his cola bottles…he enjoyed force feeding me haribo during intimayte moments…the store room was a mess…he had thrown me round like an empty track suit but I loved it…just then with his power restored he thrust the vibrator to his adams apple and said… ‘round 2 Macca beg bitch’…with that I dropped to my knees and took his flavoured Starburst in my mouth…I blacked out momentarily havin choked a little on the intensity of flavours…I came too with my face pressed against a box of out of date Vaj Butter…Harold had vanished…I let out a gentle post koytel fart…but the noise was familiar…not my normal wispy puffs but an electro sounding noise…Harold may have gone, but he’d left a part of him inside me…to be continued.

********************

 Chapter 3 - Something inside so wrong…

I sat on my till with my mind wandering…all of a sudden I heard the song…Labia Siffree - ‘Something inside so strong’ and it all came flooding back…’Something inside so Wrong’…It was 2 days now since my intimasee wiv Haribo Harold in the stock room…I had heard nothing from him…apart from a few Careless Whispers from my down belows via his electro voice handset wen passin wind…I had a few calls from his number but he didn’t say anything…silence…we were due a big order and I couldn’t help but wonder if we would pick up were we left off…I had volunteered to receive Harolds load…just then I heard the familiar sound of his airbrakes…My Vajina gripped like a vice…just as it did I heard that familiar voice from my groin ‘Please replace the batteries’ it was an omen…I slipped quietly from my till an picked up a packet of Haribo family assortment or as Harold calls them his Viagra…My heart pounded as I entered the stock room…I had a flash back to our last leeayson dangerus…just then I was brort back by a hard kick on my back door…’Coming’ I said…a frordiant slip…I raised my flaps in the receiving bay and there he was…erect in his stance…a sheet of paper in his hand and a white strip of plaster across his nose…it read - ‘I’m your handy delivery man…Bend and deliver’…my very own prince charming…he new I loved Adam Ant…I was moist…I slowly rolled down my leggings and peeled off me tites…I lay there quiet as Harold clicked the lock on the stock room door…within minits he dumped his load into my delivery hatch….to be continued.

********************

Chapter 4 - Take my breath away…

The intensity of his delivery in my hatch was taking my breath away…’do you want me to stop’ came the electro voice…’no’ I whispered…it had been several minits since Harold had removed his electro voice box handset from my welcoming lady garden…he was gentle…only pausing to knock 3 times on the ceiling, meaning did I want him to stop…twice on the pipes meant my answer was no…I heard the rustle of plastic…the opening of another packet of Haribo…or so I thought…this was going to be a long but intense delivery…just as I was getting my breath back antisipaytin Haribo cola bottle or his starburst Harold forced his Percy Pig into my mouth…it took me by surprise, it tasted different…it wasn’t haribo but I savoured the taste…’do you want more fat arse’ (I loved him talkin derty to me) he demanded…I couldn’t reply…I was still gaggin on his Percy Pig…’Toys’ he said…’aisle 6’ I gagged…’no, shall we try toys’ he replied…I was intreeged…how seemed like such an odd time to think about Ninja turtles or Barbie and Ken…Harold staggered across the stock room…it was glowing red…a red room…this was from the red delivery warning light…all of a sudden a pang of guilt came over me…what about Harolds wife…she was ill…Tumours on her bunions had left her unable to move…unable to pleasure Harold…I was brort back to earth with a bang as Harold tore at my primarni leopard print blowse…he had opened a box of our Pippa Pegs toys…’stick one between yer breasts’ he ordered…my nipples firmed at his demands…I obliged…he wore my legs like a winter scarf…just as Harold was about to deliver his ultimate load my flaps flung open…daylight filled the room and lit Pippa Peg between my ample breasts…we had been discovered…I spat out Harolds Percy Pig…’YOU’ I shouted…to be continued.

********************

 

Chapter 5 - Creamed off Climax...

It took a while for it to register...I was still aglow from the intensity of my mammouth seshon...I could still taste Harolds Percy Pig in my mouth...I hadn't expected another delivery so soon after...Could I really face a mouthful of Bobby Goldtop (the milkman)s cream so soon after Harolds Percy Pig and starburst...Instead of being annoyed I could see from Bobby's apron he was gently aroused by the scene that had greeted him from under my delivery flaps...'Shall I carry on as normal' said Bobby...I looked at Harold who was busy eating another packet of Haribo cola cubes ready for our next sesh...'won't put me off' came the sound of Harolds electro voicebox...'Why not' I said to Bobby'...my flaps locked tite at the thought of being watched...with that Bobby Goldtop turned to face us and pulled out his Blackberry...'do you want me to shoot it' he said as he fumbled with his autoflash...I was moist...it was becoming too much for me...I was getting concerned my Vaj Butter would begin to leak...plus I had been off the shop floor for so long...would anyone notice?...with that I felt a slap across my erect nipple...it was a Haribo lickrish lace...strawberry...Harold picked up his electro voice handset held it to his adams apple and demanded...'beg you fat bit......'Harolds battery had gone...another intense intimayte moment had drained him...i panicked...I remembered selling the last of the triple A batteries..how could I be stimulayted without the sound of Harold's vibrating electro voice talking dirty to me...I hadn't realised while all this was going on Bobby Goldtop had finished shooting and delivered his cream...'I'm only 4 mega pixels' he said...'I'll email them to you....' as quickly as he had come he was gone...I heard the whirr of his beloved milkfloat Freda as he pulled away...i felt deflayted...I had not reached my climax on this okayshon...just then like Arnold Shwartznayger with a removed voice box came Harold's dulsit tones...'I'll be back' as he slowly exited my delivery shoot...to be continued.

********************

Lympic flamin Tites...

Hiya...well all the hyp after me raydio intervew has died down...i woz mobbed...even on me till...i'm waitin for the fone call to host the lottery on wendsdee...So...these Lympics hav kicked off...dont i bleedin now it...i set meself up on Fridee nite wiv a few boxes of Lambrini pitched up at Gay Gary's place wiv me gays...i woz sweatin like a pig so i took off me tites...big mistake...i ad them rapped rownd me rist...boys put some Jack flags on me to get in the mood then lit me sparklers...sweet baby yazu I nearly went up like a friggin cathrin weel...it was like someone had lit a match in the blowse sekshon of Primark...me tites got kort on the sparkler an that woz it....thay all thort it was histerikal...well here's the rezult - 

its tort me a valewbel lesson tho....sparklers n primarni tites dont mix...look at the mess...theres a few more wears in them yet so i've Tweeted Heather Mills to see if sheez interested...I'm a slave to me charity work...she must be down to her last zillion pownds now after fleecin Sir Paul of the Makartnee...On a liter note tho me diet is goin well...if yer remember I'm doin Tighter Life...not to be mixed up with Lighter Life were yer pay a bleedin fortchoon to drink a load of shite shakes...I just wear me old clothes that dont fit an get so unkomfortable yer carnt eat...I've got into an old pair of me leggins... I'm made up...look - 

i'm ded made up...i'm lookin like Leena Zaveroni in Leggins...even got into a new skirt...just...me gays dont like the skirt thay say its like a fanny pelmit...never heard of her...must be some posh designer...only lable I wear is drip dry only...sayin that the garjus Mark Heyes from Skotch Lorraine Kellys show is keepin an eye on me fashon...he Tweeted me the other day to say I was so with it...I reckon heez got the horn for me...imagine him as me boyfriend...i'd be even more like a supermodel than I am now...

i woz doin some charity work the other day...yer know I help the ald ladys who work at the charity shops...I go thru the bags on the steps so theres not as much for them to do when they get in in the mornin...I looked up an saw this...i was sent back to me childhood dreamin of bein Lady Prinsess Diana of the Hearts...i cudnt help but wonder if i'll ever find Mr rite...i can dream carnt I...rite I'm off to nosey nayborhood watch mans house for me roast dinner...I did me window in me nickers and bra as usual an he was out washin his Vulva on the drive...he was over like a shot...Lamb again I hope...i like to tease him wiv me Lamb bone trick...he's praktikally bangin his nob on the formica...catch yerz all later....enjoy the Lympics...remember to keep yer tites away from sparklers.... xxxx

 can't leave this entree wivout menshonin some of me loyal Bevettes...Hellie, Helen, Stacey and Becky...all got together to have a Lympic swaray...an I missed it...was doin me komunitee service...these girls have bin a great support an do a grate job...thanks gerls...luv yerz all...check out the number plate - 

                                                **********************************

                                      *********** Happy Lympics 2012***********

Radio killed the video star...

Hiya...how's yer all doin...ded soz like for not bein on for a while...bin a bit bizzy...its all gone a bit menkal lately...but can i just say...summer is here...i've not ad me tites or bra on for a cuple of days...was out at me gays the other nite avin a shant on his deck DECK i said...good job i'm not Scotch...hole diffrent meanin...we woz talkin about life...i rekon i'm kwite happy wiv mine to be onest...talkin of that early hours of this mornin i wake up me n me Charlie sweatin like a pig so I gets up to open the window...i'm pressed up against me window me nellys n Lulu flat agenst the glass then BOOM! Nosey nayborhood watch mans sekurity light comes on...lites me up like bill board...with that me chair slips n i'm left hangin...every bugger looks out there windows an up at my upvc...the shame of it...I'll deffo be gettin an invite for sundee lunch this week...

Pat Pong Pete is just back from Tie Land...another girlfrend on his arm who 'Loves him Long Tine'...i've lost track of them now...but he brort some crackin copy stuff back...best of all me RANX...don't pay SPANX prices...these are just as good...I even had a tweet from me garjus man off Lorraine Kellys show Mark Heyes...he's me private adviser on fashon...he sujests i vajazzle the front but I'm worried about losin a diamond up me hoop...mite just sow me inishals in the gusset...got me sum DVD's too...no Timmy Shoos at the mo....cud do wiv some new ones...

Get me...bet yer all thort that woz Katherin Jenkins didn't yer...easy mistake...well that laydees n jentlman is me arrivin at a radio stayshon...7waves radio 92.1FM...me at a radio stayshon...last time i was at one waz to get Pete Price from Radio City to sine me bra for me...the reason i was there was to be intervewed...me intervewed...apparantlee un be nown to me peeple hav bin askin kwestions about me n me borin life...so Adam Siddorn aka Big Sid aka Mr 12' asked me in for a chat...well i didnt now wat to do...then me PR peeple aka me Gays said do it...mite get a fella from it... so I did...an here is Big Sid with me - 

we ad a crakin chat an a laff...the stewdio woz ded posh...i'd bin talkin to Adam on Facey and Twitter an thort he had a cassette recorder in his bedroom an was gonn try an fiddle with me...sweet baby yazu how rong waz I...it was a ded posh big stewdio...i nearly shat a love egg... I was fotografed at the resepshon with all the diffrent peeps...then taken thru to the main stewdio...made my walkman look ded old fashoned...an off we went...i woz nervus at ferst then once I woz lubed up with a bit of nectar I woz off...here is the finished product my first interview - 

Hope yerz liked it...i've bin asked to do some voiceovers for the X channel...i'll think about it...i woz akosted by sum bloke called Geoff Morris...or Mr Drivetime...wudn't leave me or me Far La alone...nice enuff guy but them hands were a wandrin...he's been playin wiv me Jingles too...so here I am now...a radio star...no more the video star....sayin that got some great new pics n vids coming...stay chooned...

Right...off for a wee nite cap...hope yerz all well an enjoyin the wether...me back is peelin like a bugger...been using me Ped Egg on it...talk about a 101 uses for a Ped Egg...I do me feet, me cheese for me pasta bake an now me skin peel after a day in the sun...I'll catch yerz later... big hugs....xxxx 
 

Summer lovin had me up late...

As the song from Greese goes...summer lovin had me up late...got an invite to Kevin Kawasakis the other nite for me tea...hadnt seen him for a while...i was feelin like a bit of intimasees too so hiz timin was spot on...i fabreezed me leggins an rinsed me tites...popped sum cream on me athleets foot an i woz hot to trot...well he opens the door an bugger me he's still got his motorbike hat on...turns out that cold sore he had every time i'd seen him before had come back...so I kissed him pashonatelee on his smooth helmet in his porch...then we went in...i woz ravenus so he started cookin...we got talkin about that film were thay have sex while cookin....well that was it...i woz bra less n titeless in seconds...then he asked me 'can I toss me Wok on yer belly'....well i am kwite adventurus wen it comes to intimasees so i thort what the hell....then i tutched his long firm pepper mill as he sprinkled the seeds over me...sweet baby yazu...who needs 50 shades of gray...i'm gettin the orn ritin this...well we couldn't remember the name of the fillum so we called it 3 and a harf minits...he reckoned he couldn't have lasted the full 9 and a harf...it all ended in tears coz he left a big red ring on me belly...

As you know i'm kwite a fan of Twitter an follow a few well nown names...one of witch is that Red ed spice...Gerry Holliwell...i ave to say i dont think sheez the full euro yer now...the object of Twitter is to tweet ie type...soft arse takes piktures of her notes sheez written...I tried it but the most ecksitin note I could come up wiv was me shoppin list...it wasnt as flash as hers...well she took the biskit the other day...puts a pickchur up of her scrawny twig leg wiv ritin all over it...but yer shud've seen the hairs on her legs...all that money yerd think she could afford a wax...so i copied her pic...my boots wern't as posh as hers...i've unfollowed her now...she woz doin me hed in...I did Tweet her the link to Sharm El Sharons salon Tu Tan Cum in for a cheap wax.....

sun was out...so i thort i'd try me new Jewbilee flip flops from Shoemarket in Birkenhead... they're sellin them off cheap...but I've lost me Flip....so I've only got Flop Flops....that new cream for me athleets foot is so thick on me heels yer carnt hear me Flip flops flip....only flop....are yerz with me? i've bin asked back for a second ordishon to be 'Foot of Shoemarket'....carnt wait...reckon i'll get it this time coz me fake tan haznt streaked...i'm up agenst a few local slebs but I'll giv it a go...

well get me agen...if i'm not hob nobbin wiv slebs like Loose Women (Baggy Birds) dependin whooz on...then I'm being menshoned on This Morning by Saint Eamonn of the Holmes...well i waz called upon to do a bit of promoshon werk for local biznessess...the lovely Nick at Flavours in Hoylake had very kindly got me a few bottles of Lambrini in an chilled them down...so off i went...i woz mobbed in the streets...some said it was 'Maccamania'...then to top it all the lovely Dame Esther of the Mcvey text me an sed she'd come an join me for a Bevvie...we ad a ball...she waz showin me her new tankini from Primark...i dared her to wear it in the Towers of Parlyment were she works...watch the bench this week an see if yer can see a Labia Lilac Tankini just behind Dava Cameron...that'll be Esther...sheez gonna help me get into pollytics one day...i've started a kampayn to bring back Solitaire clothin in Liverpool...i miss it an how all the rails would spark as you flicked thru the blowses...between you an me Esther said it waz like losin her Catalog wen solitaire closed down...anyway...I agress as the posh say...sheez so lovely an laydee like she was gone after about 4 bottles so I piled her in the back of me Cunto (Corsa/Punto cut and shut) and dropped her off home...Mr Mcvey waznt too pleased when I pulled up...I threw Esther in the Climatus an legged it...hope sheez OK today I've still got her Pop socks in the glove kompartment...I nipped home to ave summit to eat to soak up the booze after that...

Nothin better than a nice tin of Peppa Pig askgetti to soak it up...then i met up wiv me mates for a few bevvies in the Ship Inn in Hoylake...I stopped traffik walkin down the high street...all the blokes were ded nice....beepin there horns...the lot...i got lots of nasty looks as uzual from jellus girlfrends...i'll say it AGEN...I carnt help me bewty...the highlight as I got to the pub was bein serenayded in...all these blokes were singin to me...it woz ded romantik...it was an old song from the charts....'Who let the dogs out'.....i was chuffed...here's me n me mates in the beer garden...

Well after all that i had to meet up wiv me gays for me uzuwal Satdee nite of fun...well i didn't last long...the gays were teasin me all nite...gettin the DJ to play songs then make there own words up....one of them was 'Saddle up an ride yer pony'....thay woz sayin i woz like a horse....then thay asked him to play a song called Wide Eyed and Leggless....but thay have there vershon for me... 'Wide Legged and Titeless'.....i do love em tho really...we ad a ball....but as per I think i woz rowhipnolled...me mind is blank...i woz detirmined not to kip in the semetree agen...i woz fed up of wakin up covered in snail trails all up me leggins...didnt expect to wake up were i did..........

This my dear frends is the K9000 doggy jet wash....one of the first up here on the Wirral...but not made for delicayte soles like me and Katherine Jenkins...I woz woked up with a blast of freezin cold likwid in me gob...an a doggy dryer up me hoop...i woz drenched...did av a good nites kip tho....so thanks to Trendy Pooches for a comfy nite....that was me...i'm sat home now watchin a Peppa Pig dvd i've never seen before...it's a bit dark really.... 'Peppa's Sunday Hog Roast'....I'm abowt to turn it off...i don't like wats comin....take care everyone...bizzy week agen this week on promoshons at Pound Paradise...I'll leave you with my kontribewshon to savin the earth an bein Echo frendly....kwite appropriate really havin bin minglin wiv an MP.....Laterz....be safe... xx

All Saints vs Latter day Saints...

Hiya...how are yerz all...wat a week i've add...book lornches...selebritee followers on Twitter...hearing aid hilaritee...oh an a likkle insident wiv two hunks of spunk who came nockin on me back door...OK...so I'd ad a little drink...so Soo me...i woz unwindin after a hard day in Paradise...the shop...not the Rhyl Sun Center...i woznt goin to anser it coz i thort it waz nosey nayborhood watch man...oh boy am i glad i did...stood there woz two visions...like models from them gay films - Belemberg or watever its called...then thay asked the kwestyon that wud get anyone in thru my back door....'Can we talk to you about the All Saints'....Well jump ahead harf an hour an there i am in me skimpiest skimpiest bakini pole dansin round me Vyleeda mop handle to 'Never Ever'...not a flinch...thay just looked ded unkumfortable...so i then tried dazzlin me wiv me 'I know where it's at'...by this poynt i thort thay woz a member of the Homo Lulu club...then I cracked open me box........................they woz gone kwiker than wank....Wink.............i woz only gonna offer them a glass of me finest Lambrini...told me gays about it....turns out coz of me disabilitee 'Glue Ear'....i hadn't heard them proplee...thay had come to talk abou the 'Latter day Saints'....hay ho.....

Well anuther frend called on me this week talkin about me glue ear...Deaf Dave from Asda...poor bugger has bin deaf since a very early age...the poor family avent got a pot to piss in or a window to chuck out of...thay've bin savin to get him a new set of hearin aids for ages...well thay cudnt afford the dee lux model....i nearly popped a love egg wen he walked into the pub the other day...the poor sod...as it woz thay had to open both doors to let him in...heez not the full euro...but then he asks the ultimayte kwestyon...i nearly choked on me Lambrini wen he asks... 'Suttle isnt it...be honest...wud you know i'm wearin hearin aids'........................wat cud i say................Dave if you adnt told me i'd never av nown...god love im...tried to giv im a lift home but cudnt fit the fucker in me Cunto...

Now yerz all now me...i'm not totally up on Pollytiks...i do read the daily star in the Co-op wen i'm in the kew to keep up to date wiv all things politikal...but read abowt that Jimmy Carr an hiz tax fiddles...i woz annoyed...coz i love his show Chatty Man...but wat he did waznt rite...wile i werk hard for me giro an me wages from Pound Paradise...he gets away wiv it...i rekon it woz a publisitee stunt tho coz look...he had a book comin out....

there i woz mindin me own bizness the uther day on me till at Pound Paradise an i get a Twitter alert...my ring tone for alerts is the wonderful 'Atomic Kitten' singin 'Lick me hole again'...i luv that song....well i nearly answered a till bell with shock...the alert woz 'Marcus Collins is now followin you on Twitter'....i ad to nip to the bog to tweet him back...then he comes back sayin 'I've eard all about you' or summit like that...it woz in Skowse so all i cud read waz summit about robbin cars n forgin giros...but i woz ded chuffed...i think heez garjus...like a tanned Justin Beeber!...keep it to yerself but i've got a feelin he followed me for a reason...karnt say too much but i now heez lookin for a new backin singer....keep it to yerselfs...

well how chuffed woz i this week...Gay Gary came round an sed he didnt want his Kindel anymore an wud I like to av it...so i said yes coz i wanted to get that mucky book about the paint sekshon of B&Q...50 Shades of Grey...i'm not kiddin i woz up all nite tryin to get it to werk...yerz now i'm not the most teknikal of peeple...it wudnt connect to next doors wi fi like me fone...i gave up today...i didnt wann hurt Garys feelins so i just put it on Freecycle...'Kindel free to good home' I've ad to turm me fone off....457 texts so far....wish i adnt bothered....

well i cudnt let todays diary entree go by wivout menshonin me dear dear frend an ex Deano Williams...his book The Tearaway hit the shelves an online this week...an flew off as kwik as it arrived...i woz in the forchoonat posishon to get a personal sined copy of the book delivered to me door...just after Bobby Goldtop the milkman had dumped his fresh creem at mine for me serial...well that was it....i cudn't put it down...had to do a sicky for Pound Paradise that day...I even get a menshon in it....he duz use one of them Sue do nims...calls me Ashlee...his lovin partner of years...but i new he ment me....Good luck fella!.....I woz invited to the book lornch but cudnt make it...i woz wiv him in spirit tho....a liter of Crem De Menth...but wat tutched me most of all was to hear he took the time to menshon me an dedikayte a karryokee song to me....Luv ya Deano....Laterz...off for a roast at me gays...thay use serviettes that arnt tisshew....XXXX