mummy menshoned me on the wireless...

http://audioboo.fm/boos/455769-mummy-feltz

Just a kwikie.... frig me...how many times have i said that.... my loverly mummy Vanessa Feltz has menshoned me on her radio show.... im on clowd nine... im 4 liters into a 5 liter... an lovin it... me life is perfect an i got an award today for showin me Far La to the most folk in all stores.... laterz...

from spanx to ranx...

what a week ive ad... but more of that later... who designed these spanx.... I carnt afford the real thing but pat pong pete has got the copies in already.... RANX....great idea but not for laydees wiv water retenshon like me an me mum (vanessa feltz).... took me 3 hours to get into the fucker...then i cudnt stand up... i had to lassoo me tights round the leg of me peppa pig bed... hoisted meself up... woz goin red in the face an cudnt breeth....spilt half me crem de menth n coke....got up....... put me tites on then me new copy Harmarni leggins... lookin good... but then i tried to put me new friggin Timmy Shoos on...... no bastard chance... the Ranx has to send the fluid somewhere..... me friggin feet.... cudnt get the fuckers on... so i'm goin out in a pair of moon boots tonite..... look

 crap week tho... werkin most of it... no bleedin wi fi at home coz iron lung lill haz gone into a care home for a while... sum do gooder went in and turned everthin off.... but she came back today an i nicked some flowers from her front garden an did a hand made get well card for her to take in.... slipped into the livin room an turned on the wi fi..... rezult... off out now for a nite at feathers followed by Mustaffa's for a kebab n chips.... endin nite me thinks in the rice bar wiv me gays... one of me flaps has flared up agen so mite have to av a nite off intimacies... we'll see... keep yerz posted... av a good saturday... got me mighty wite bred n lambrusco for me home made communyon tmrow.... laterz....

ive bin hacked...

OMG...i carnt beleeve it... just went to Bhaldevs bazaar for sum milk and he showed me this. id always thort i might be on page 3 bein such a stunna but never front page. wot a shit foto thay used of me. even got me bra in. i didnt speak to anyone but there woz a guy came in me shop the other day to sniff me Far La and he woz askin loads of kwestions i just thort he fancied me. im gonna try an ring that Cliff Maxford for sum advice. dred werk tmrw. laterz...

slimmers soup my arse...

its bin a ruff cuple of days wiv the diet not bin stickin to it... plus i woz on stock takin today so i'll be shittin Haribo tmrw... must av ad about 50 packs.... i've just made a pan of me slimmin club soup.... taste like shite... here's the resipee if yer wanna try it..  Take one ald crock... place it in a large pan.. add dishwater an an onyon. season to taste... stir gently with one hand whilst holdin yer burger (not yer fanny) in the other hand careful not to drop the gerkin out yer burger too...

kwiet night in for me tonite.. got a 5 liter box of leebfrowmilk to keep me company. feel a dump comin on... so starts the anal expellin of Haribo.... laterz...

Bev's ode to Slimming World 


Bev's been dietin for quite a while,
coz as you know she'd stacked on a pile.
Up a few dress sizes I did go,
I'll be Marisota outsize before yer know.

I'm doin the popular slimmin world,
me size 26 I hope to have hurled.
I count all me points an save me sins,
for wild weekends and a good few gins.

How can yer get excited about salady bits,
all this greenery is gettin on me tits.
I'd kill for a fry up for a bacon butty I'd beg, 
instead it's an omelette, grated cheese out me ped egg.


The recipes I'm findin hard to follow,
a boiled flip flop is hard to swallow.
I'm hopin it won't all be in vain,
an busty Bev can pull again.

too much too soon...

crackin weekend... thanks to the gays and Gary Barlow... bin a good gerl too... no onken required if yer get me drift. now bit of a dylemma... came in last nite after a few shants and went on me internet daytin site R Solo Mio. got chattin to a lovely bloke. god i thort i had problems. he woz tellin me all about his life an family. heez forin so cudnt understand everythin he said coz he even rang me. had to hang up tho coz it woz ded noisy his end. he said it woz his naybors havin a bbq. well by the end of our conversayshon he was askin if he could come n stay with me for a while... don't know what to do... seems a bit soon dontcha think... he asked me if I liked Libians... I told him i don't discriminate against anyone... some of me best mates are Libians... god I've tried a bit of fanny fun meself... I'm off to work now... will give it some thort. He wants me to let him now by lunchtime if he can come... what d'ya reckon? Laterz...

back for good...

well gess whooz fanny woz bitin me leg off last nite... me one true love on me fave programme.. nearly shot me load thrice fold... me sofa throws were damp as fuck. i'll share a little secrit wiv yers but keep it to yerself. me n gary have a bit of a histree. there is a rumour in the showbiz werld that he wrote a song based on our meetin but re worded it to protekt me anonimity. it was a good few years ago.. i woz bunkin off school an was in the iceland car park wiv sum dimond wite n torteeyas he got out of this posh car coz he was openin the shop. i cud smell hiz man sent mixed wiv kuros. once he'd opened the shop he came over to me an we got chattin. next thing I know me nickers are off an I'm flashin me gash in the back of a Vauxhaull Vectra deluxe with leather seats. just as well. i didnt wanna seem easy so i held off. he waz gaggin for it. then he spoke those words that would become re written to a multi million £ song... he looked at me down belows an wiv his unsercumsised cock in his hand he said Bev.... I want your crack my hood.... i cudnt do it... i didnt ave any protection could you imagine if id got pregnant to Gary Barlow... I'd not have the life i have now... rite I've gotta dash. its Sunday mornin so that can only mean one thing... Still banned from cherch on a Sunday... it's Bevs home made communyon... thick sliced white loaf n bottle of lambrini. Amen...

wild shites...

sweet baby yazu... me arse is like a blood oringe... I've ad the wild shites since saturday.. think it woz a dodgy prawn ring. just bin to the drs an he asked me what number on the bristol stool chart am i.. i thort he waz talkin muzik chart.. then he shows me this chart. I asked him if he had one for my area coz im miles from Bristol but they don't so i mite make a manchesterpool stool chart...must dash.. need to av a rummige thru me shite...feel a number 7 comin on... laterz...

nuff of the net...

why do i fall for it evree time.. internet date was a sack of cack.. i woz back in the fethers by 8... why do thees fellas tell yer lies... said he was a cross between Pitt and Watts (Brad n Curly)... woz infact Sess and Dennis.... i ad a little go then let him down gently... he was hangin from the pay an display machine in Iceland car park wiv an oringe up iz arse...i'm stickin to me regulars from now on.... Remember this nutter from me last internet date.

just been lookin after me mates kid... didnt now wat to do wiv her coz i aint maternal. so i took her to the park an we fed some ducks..... to the cats.... that woz fun... then i took her to the feathers coz theyve got a garden out back so i left her out there for a while i woz inside avin a few shants. only forgot to bring her home. ad to race back up there to find her sat on the bar singin Anty Mary had a canary... sheez only 3... 

Well thats my good deed for the day. me mate got me a 5 liter box of vino colapso so im avin that an put me feet up for a few hours watching a dokumentary called teenage pregnant dwarfs with cancerus tumours and turretts... i luv those programmes... last week i sky plussed incontinent senile penshoners with cancerus tumours and anul fissures... laterz...

cack sacks n shit...

wat a week ive had... been pushed bizzy wise. i woz sent to do relief at some other branches...some of the branch managers ask for me by name as they now how good i am doin relief. thay were all askin about me Far La too..... sales are goin thru the roof. just watchin this mornin d'ya think its a bit sick to fancy a dwarf?.... i'd be frightened of the little fella gettin lost.

well i have put in an offishal complaynt about our cack sacks.... i had a terrible trorma yesterday. ive bin doin a bit of dogsittin and as a responsible dog person i took out me cack sacks for the dogs shite. never buy the cheap ones... me finger went straight thru the bastard bag into a steamin hot turd....I'd just ad me nails done at Sharm El Sharons salon an me nail came off in the shite too.... then why do yer get the urge to sniff yer finger all the way home!.... I couldn't sleep a wink.... I had terrible Shitemares..... im goin for some compo...

right can't stop pat pong pete haz got a load of new stock in... trainers tellys trackys.... laterz...

sunday roast...

theres one thing i love abowt sundays apart from me home holy communyon... a good sunday roast. yer carnt beat it. i cooked a cracker today. roast turkey wiv all the trimmins. and wat woz great woz there woz no dishes. win win. were sellin them off cheap at werk so i even got me staff dizzy on them. cubord is full.

grate night agen at the rice bar. me chinese meal was bang tidy. an ken wong way seemd happy wiv my service to him. i'd sorted im out before i had time to eat me egg fried rice. me new leggins looked ded smart. long live primarni.. i now some peeple say we shudnt by from there coz of them employin littluns. but yerv got to think if we didnt hav primarni then thay wudnt have a job. yer hav to look at both sides of the story. get me... im like a white kofi anan sortin out the werlds problems... soft shite bouncer duznt werk there anymore. so i didnt even kop off.... well sort of not... gave one of the gays the chance to feel a real woman... he said he thinks he made the rite desishon being a slave to the cock.

rite its time for a bevvy. ive sky plussed the life of grime omnibus gonna stay in tonight me thinks. laterz.

soup n yer hoop!

 gettin a bit pissed off with this weather. im constantly wet n moist all the time. makes me feel neetharjic. off today so gonna hit the shops. weekend is here too so that means paaarrrtaaaaay!

 right..... off to Primarni for sum new leggins. ive gotta wash me other pair. there rock hard. me tights will do another munth or so. off out wiv the gays agen tonite to the rice bar. suppose i'll av to do me chopstick trick for Ken Wong Way to get a free chinese meal...dunno if yer remember he likes a chopstick up the arse while he knocks one out into a bowl of chickin n sweetcorn soup.. don't ask.. hard to do wen yer tryin to eat yer egg fried rice too.. ive got a bone to pick with that bowncer at the gay bar who did a splash n go on me the other week n left me on the beach to be rescued by the lifeboat men after me Timmy Shoos got stuck in the mud... laterz...

tantrams n tights...

well here is me little protest. had to go to Bhaldevs Bazaar last nite coz i missed the shops. the robbin get tried to charge me a pownd for a carrier bag... a friggin pownd... i cudn't help meself.. i took off me leggins an me tights.. put all me shopping in me tights...thay must have a security gard called ally or alla coz hiz wife was screamin for him...

 I'm avin a kwiet nite in tonite just got me giro today so ive got credit on me phone. iron lung lill next door is in hozzie an shes left her wii fy switched on happy days. ive just got a 5 liter box of me finest vino party pack of pork skratchins an ive got a wayt watchers kwatro fromargee italyan meal. i even tret meself to some of that posh cheese parmystan an i've cleaned out me ped egg to grate it on... laterz..

if in doubt...

had a little treat the other day. i haven't bin able to show me legs n feet lately wiv me tag bein on. well i've had me tag removed so i went for one of them fish foot baths were the fish eat all yer hard skin n shit. it woz lovely i have to say an a few of me veruccas had gon as well wen i got home. even me athleets foot is lookin ok. well the cheeky fucker that runs the stall in the market collared me today an said i'd killed all the fish with me rank feet. i cudn't help meself i twatted her one. yer know i am gettin a bit fed up of this 'if in doubt' blame Bev.

wat a day.. espeshally wiv me NDH with me strateners! I was on promoshons all afternoon an i could hardly hold me Far La i waz shakin so much. I've just nipped to Wendy's wigs and picked one up for work. ill post a pickture up for yerz. I need a drink tonight... laterz.

pat pong pissed off

ive ad a NDE....near deth expereeence thanks to bloody pat pong pete...heez ded good and gets me loads of copy stuff as yerz all know. me latest fave are me Victoria's Secret copies 'Lillian's Lie'... ded secksy nylon nock offs. well he got me some copy GHD's FHD's.... only put only put them on for 10 sekonds did me first bit of hair and the fuckers stuck to it... i cudn't tern them off and thay were stuck in me hair smoke pooring from me hed. i woz screemin but nobody came... i know now how them poor kids feel on the nspcc adverts when nobody comes...in the end i just had to cut the hair off wiv me bread nife. im still in shock. tried to get the day off but lynne wiv the limp is on today.....not on monthlys on...on duty. she's a hardfaced mare. I'm on promoshons today but look a right bastard with a berray on me head. all thats missin is a friggin bike and some onions... im gonna have to get a wig till me hair grows back. todays messige is stay away from cheap FHD's - Fuck up Hair Doo's..... laterz...