royle weddin prank skank

oh jesus just goin thru me phone pics from yesterday. this is were i woke up sumwere called hide park. dunno were to start. ill never forgiv her for this an i hope all me mates here will see wat a skank she is. yerz all now how much bev looked forward to this royal weddin. i even put a creese in me leggins. set off early and thanks to stowbie from stoke had me lift bagged. i woz givin im a bit of brekky hand releef an i got a text. i new it woz her coz shes in me fone as skank. it sed hope yer hav a nice day at the wedding slag feetures. yer invite was curtesee of hello magazeen as if youd be invited. i finished stowbie off an cried me eyes owt. but stowbie said just go down an av a good day an frig me did i!!! thanks skank features.

i met a crakin blowke there. he woz forin but with the art of tuch we new wat we woz sayin. eez from sireea werever that is. e sed its ded hot an id like it if i like the sun. iz name woz sami. like me eed bin invited then fownd owt it woz a joke too. we went for a few shants at sum forin pub thats the last i remember. ive got iz number an e said if i wanna join im in sireea  id av to wear this frock. well yerz now me an lepperd print. howz this for a cowinsidense too. e rekons they av the sireean pound so i cud work in the sireean branch of poundland. im gonna giv it sum thort. cud be the brake bevs bin lookin for.

well im home now an still buzzin from yesterday. i forgot there woz a royal weddin as i ad such a great day. so thats one in the eye for skank features denise royle. yer prank back fired. feathers is avin a royal weddin party in the beer garden today so im off to that. ill be showin piktures of me new fella sammi from sireea. mrs beverly  khiyami az got kwite a ring to it dontcha think. listen to me dontcha! i sownd like a sugarbaybe. laterz.

im off

right thats me off now. ive ad a cuple of hours shut eye. im gonna do me face on the way down and ive got me moon boots to walk in. me timmy shoos are in me bag. so if any of me trucker mates are readin this look out for me on the m56/6/42/40. ill make it werth yerz wiles.

beverly macca sinin owt till after the weddin. lowds of pics for yerz im sure an hoo nows i mite kop meself a prince. laterz.

me cankles are up like balloons

jesus tonite. me cankles are up like balloons. ive been shoppin till i drop today for a nice kit for fridays weddin. ive ad lots of messiges from peeple on me facebook sayin how sad thay are that i canselled the ordeence with beverly macca. i will do it agen. but after me invite hit the mat it woz a tuff disishon.

well i got the most important part of me owtfit. me fasinaytor here it is. i put it on twiggys doll sherry swallow. imagin how it will look on me. me top matches it. im gonna use me cath2go on the day too coz im takin me own minitchures as ive been told its a pay bar at the buck house bar. i carnt wait to tell yerz how it went an giv yer sum pics.

rite i gotta sleep now. laterz.

3 more sleeps to go

me names not enid

iya guyz n gals. hope yerz all ok an ad a good eester weekend. bev ad a crackin one, well twiggy got a crack in one bit like golfin an a hole in one. woz sufferin a bit yesterday but me onken came to the rescue. it woz like bein on me holidays yesterday. i started off wiv a sunbed at tu tan cum in the new igipshon theemd tannin place in town. then me n twig ad cocktails for the rest of the day i woz on the lager n blacks wiv a brolly. still werkin on gettin a holiday out of twig wiv his compinsayshon. ah frig it its company for him innit. just woke iron lung lil up next door wiv me hoover so i cud get sum wy fy. twigs just gon to sine on. eez gonna bring me brekfast in bed. non of that fancy shite like panty shocolats or kwazunts. eez bringin me a sayers full inglish brekfast pastie. i feel like a prinsess, not like the one who pissed the bed in the fairee tale either. that woz crap that story why wud yer wanna read about some prinsess who ad a pee in her bed, shame thay didnt av the cath2go in them days.

now to all them skanky bitches who woz takin the piss owt of me belt on sunday nite me names not enid right. me anty brort me a belt back from her holidays. shes just bin to benidorm. but coz ive lost so much wait i ad it on the 4th hole. but wat that did woz made the ENID from BENIDORM be the bit that peeple saw in the buckle bit. so the joke woz funny the ferst time yer skanks.

rite must go n freshen up me nancy for twigs retern. mustnt forget to ring werk n chuck a sickky too. laterz.

sykick expeerense

happy eester sunday to yerz all. just plowin me way thru me eggs. its like a wild womans shit down me nity. wether is grate agen so ill be gettin me baps owt later for a roastin.

crackin nite at the feathers last nite an the royal karry owkee. i came therd but that woz becuz skank featchers Denise waz on the panel of judges. dave waz hostin it she just came to keep an eye on him. she was ragin wen i woz singin prince charming by adam ant coz i waz direktin it at dave an he was ded chuffed. fat sue rekons he ad a lazy lob on. me eds bangin today tho.

ive just ad a sykick expeereense. iv ad a message from me anty thats not me anty. just noticed in the mirror on me arse elsie barlow 28th Sep 2001 rip. me n twig ad a sesh in the cemetree last nite. wat a cowinsidense we did it on her grave stone. spooky. dunno how long itll take for the print to go just rubbin oil of youlay on it. laterz.

happy eester

happy eester guyz n gals. bevs easter has got off to a grate start. got me easter eggs well an truwly fertilized last nite an im not talkin farmville. bi polar brian woz in me shop the uther day and ad a sniff of me far la for his sister. eez on an upper at the mo so e asked me owt. i said yes coz benidorms finished now. went to the all yer can eat chinees bufay. ad me uzuwal set meal for 2 e ad sweet n sower chikin. all woz ok till the toffee balls came e slipped into a deep depreshon started tellin me abowt how e woz teesed coz of the size of iz ollys at skool. i switched off until he tried to stab imself wiv a chop stik coz e self harms. i lost it then an made a run for it im sorry but im not a friggin samarytan.

as luck wud av it i nipped in the fethers an twig was up for it. eez just got compo thru after the bus crash e woz in. well e woznt reely in it but his bruther woz the driver ran into a shop to call the ambalance an twig woz nearby so his bruther texted him to get on the bus. i herd he got abowt 5 grand. happy days for bev. its a win win coz he kopd a blowy i kopd a crakin cheap nite owt. im seein im tonite to so ill keep yerz powsted. im gonna try an see if i can get a holiday owt of it. laterz.

wanna sniff me Far La

well hoowd hav thort it. they woz kewin owt the doors today to sniff bevs far la. me manager woz ded impressed and i kopd a cuple of new blokes chekin me owt to. there woz yer usuwal mevs hoo were bein ded rude and wen i sed thay cud smell me far la thay stuck there heds up me skirt. cudnt see much coz ad me leggins on. the local payper came an took me pikture too so ill show yerz wen i get it. talkin abowt me leggins i got a bad itch in me down belows today. i ad to take me tites off from under me leggins.

so its good friday tmoz. wots good abowt it coz ive gotta werk and im not happy. im off for the weekend tho and weve got a good un planned. feathers is avin a royal karry owki nite saturday. think dave is hostin it so i dare say miss slapped arse fayse will be there. ill let yer now wat shes bin up to. i started slimmin werld agen i saw cheryl there. shes dun ded well an lost about 2lb this year. hope i can do it. just find there resipees shite. i did one of me powems abowt it hope yer like it. just goin to the loo an av a good skratch down there. laterz.

Bev's ode to Slimming World:

Bev's been dietin for quite a while,
coz as you know she'd stacked on a pile.
Up a few dress sizes I did go,
I'll be Marisota outsize before yer know.

I'm doin the popular slimmin world,
me size 26 I hope to have hurled.
I count all me points an save me sins,
for wild weekends and a good few gins.

How can yer get excited about salady bits,
all this greenery is gettin on me tits.
I'd kill for a fry up for a bacon butty I'd beg, 
instead it's an omelette, grated cheese out me ped egg.


The recipes I'm findin hard to follow,
a boiled flip flop is hard to swallow.
I'm hopin it won't all be in vain,
an busty Bev can pull again.





 

movin on up

hiya guys. hope yerz ad a nice weekend. i ad a fab one and got me baps well and trewly burnt. soz i didnt get an entree yesterday. well an entree on here anyway got an entree from the reeginal manager yesterday heez a derty get. but listen to this and wy i woz appy to oblyge him. eez only asked me to be the face of our shops perfewme Far La. ive got to do a shoot (hope its not one of his shoots coz he cums in bukits) theres even talk of me gettin me face on the label. im thinkin of ringin that guy who looks after kerry katona cliff maxford. az anyone got hiz number. im ded eksited.


I asked wy they chowse me and they said its coz i use me Far La more than any uther employee. he said that at hed office thay all talk abowt bevs far lar. i carnt belive it. in the werds of m peeples hether small bev is movin on up. jack off jo the reeginal manager said he can smell me far la a mile away when he visits me store..


carnt stop now. gotta practise me lines for the demo if its a woman i ave to say 'excuse me madam have you ever tried or been tempted by Far La. if its a man i have to ask him if he wants to have a sniff of bevs Far La or wud he like his wife to smell of bevs Far La. ill let yer see the pics and keep yerz updated. in the werds of bros. when will i be famus. laterz.

marathon

well its sunday mornin and im taykin me holly comuniyun at home watchin the marathon. sweet baby yasu av yer seen the lobs on them blokes runnin. i think there blokes im not sure but hoo cares. good luck to all of the runners im wiv yer in spirit well lambrini.

wat a nite last nite. ded kwiet on the town coz of the footy so no bonkin booty for bev. met a group of lezzers on a slimmin werld owtin and they took me back to theres for tea. it woz all syn free shite. syn free torteeyas. well they woz like eatin an ald flip flop wiv the hard skin left on. syn free homos witch woz like garlicky billy bunk. and syn free gwokomowlee which was billy bunk wiv lumps and an infekshon. crakin nite tho. one of them ad there fella wiv them. e woz givin me the i all nite and tryed to play futsee but ended up dooin it wiv the staffie bull terryer who waz under the table which then bit iz ankle. thatll lern im. cheeky get aksd me if i wanted a 3sum wiv the slimmin werld gerls and e wud hold the kamra. e woz kinda cute. bit like a ginger brad pit. not sure ow i got home but ive just fownd an oxigin mask, blanket, blud pressher moniter and a bag of bandages in the hall so im  gessin it waz the publics taxi - the ambalance. laterz.

bevs dylemma

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paaarty dont piss

im ragin. just got pulled over by the fuzz. not me fanny fuzz the rozzers. aparintly me mots ran owt. dunno if yer remember but i drive a Cunto. its a cut and shut P reg corsa and a T reg punto. ive got the mot for the corsa its the punto thats run owt. so i hav really got an mot sort of. they shud be owt there catchin shoplifters and benefit cheats. editid to add - had lowds of messages askin wat a cut and shut is. well its wen 2 cars are welded together to make won. mike the mechanic (not the group) duz them ded cheap.

well the weekend is here and bev is ready to paaaarty. its giro day too so happy days. but wats even better is me new gaget i got of the interweb. wonce me seal is broke on a nite owt i spend most of me nite in the bog avin a slash. not anymore i got the cath2go. so bev can paaaarty and piss at the same time. ill let yer now wat its like. just readin the destrucshons abowt how to get it up. ive ad plenty of praktise at that. just the tube dont look that wide for bevs down belows. i mite cut off a bit of hose owt the shed. ave a good firday. an happy weekend. laterz. here it is.

wedding gift for william and kate

just a kwikie.. (im no stranger to sayin that am I)... if yer worried about wat to get the royal cuple ive got a link for yerz. ive popped a poundland vowcher in a card. theyll be thrilled. but heres a link to their weddin list, i think its goin towards argos vouchers. laterz.

www.royalweddingcharityfund.org

its all go

hiya. bin up ded erly and iron lung lil next door wasnt up so ad no internet. i soon got the fucker up when i started hooverin at 6 o clock. her downstairs lamp is on a duble adapter wiv her internet so wen she gets up bev gets her internet.

well just wen yer think yer avin a kwiet day. started off borin doing a stock take. most if it goin in me gob espeshally the creem eggs. area manager came in layte on an eez kwite cute. bit old but theyr always more grateful. eez dutch werever that is stupid name fronk. we call him fingers fronk coz like iz hands thay get everywhere. i woznt complaynin tho i woz kwite horny yesterday. choklit duz that to me. e ad me in the office wanted a copy of me arse to take away wiv him. i managed to get some compashonit leeve coz of me anty ethel wiv the embalizm. shes avin a ball now thanks for all yer messages of simpathee. shes gowin down a storm in les vaygas. she used to av an ivy tilsley tribuwte act called poyson ivy. theyr lovin it over there. her show stopper is her vershon of mikeal jaksons ben. but she sings bert after ivys huzband.

ill catch yerz later coz i can hear bobby silvertop the milkman owtside. i can get a free 4 pinter if i rub me nips on the frosted glass in the hall. ill tell yerz abowt this new gaget too thats all the rage. im gowin owt wiv the gerls to get one for saturday nite owt. laterz.

gladis nite lowd of shite...

deer diery. get me! i sownd like that fat slag wiv the big nickers. fuck off! i now wat sum of yerz are thinkin - i am the fat slag wiv the big nickers. no the other won hoo had her diary and cudnt get a fella. i said fuck off! ok so maybe we are alyke. bridgit wasnt it.

well im on the werks internet in the store room. lyn wiv the limp put a passwerd on the wy fy and i fownd it in her handbag. fownd a pakit of tampons too. whoz she trying to kid. her friggin overees shrivelled up years ago. shes put me on eester perishables. frig me i carnt look at anuther creme egg or lindt bunny agen i feel sick. well she did say i shud do a stock take. i normally take the stock home.

got some very sad news about me anty ethel wiv the embalizm. a big loss too. poor cow spent her life savins on a trip to las vaygas to see gladis nite and the pips whoever the fuck they are. well the biggest loss woz the tikets cost £300. gladis woz late cummin on (i now that feelin) talked abowt her ded mum for neerly an hour. then they weeled just 1 pip in in a weel chair. she only did 3 songs then frigged off. poor anty ethel was desimated. she said shedve had more fun at the soshial club and the cuntry and western tribuwte act Tammy Wynot. so if yer gowin to vaygas giv old gladis a miss.

rite ill av t'go. gettin evils off fat frank i now wat he wonts and e can frig off. not in the mood for doin charitee today. laterz.

royle weddin

is it just me or is anyone else fed up to the clit of this royle weddin shite. the shops full of crap like them white shit sticks yer wash yer bog with to royle weddin nail clippers. carnt be doin with it. thats why im avin me ordeence with on the 29th. if yer havent ad yer invite yet let me now and if yer hav and not replyed yet do so need to get the caterin sorted..

got me vaj re jazzled. nita nails used super glew this time so should stay put. got a bite on one of me flaps today so i went off to the bog wiv a mirror to look. just got me leg up on the sink and holdin the mirror lookin up me flu and the friggin door swings open. fat franks only let the mayor use the shitter coz e got cort short. ill not be able to look im in the eye agen after wat he saw. or iz mrs wen she comes in for her oil of youlay....laterz.

me royle powem

speshal thanks agen to the laydee at the libree for tiping this for me.

William and Katie I’ll watch from afar,
You up the Abbey me at the bar.
Look forward to seeing Kate in her frock,
Even better if Wills gave a flash of his cock.

Soldiers and guards polishing their helmets,
While Lizzy I bet will be hovering her pelmets.
Phillip sat in a corner asking ‘what day is it,’
Rockin back and forth eatin his own shit.

Harry and Chelsea getting twatted in the shed,
Camilla upstairs givin Chaz royal head.
Alas poor Diana will watch from above,
Hoping and praying that this is real love.

The day will be watched around the globe,
All of the media havin a probe.
Will it last or will it falter,
Was she paid to go to the alter.

Bev’s royal poem is coming to an end,
My best wishes to the couple I do send.
Katie how lucky can you be,
But with Wills and our history it should’ve been me!

Another Bev powem (Crap Rap)

The Bevlar is a girl that you might like,
doin guys and gals, the village bike.
Find me goin down in me pound land
do me weekly shop in dat Iceland.

Me and fat Frank we didn’t last,
Now its me and Twig avin a blast.
Gets me knock off stock from dat primark,
I pays him back with blowys in da park.

Me hopes yer gonna like Bev’s little ditty,
yer knows I can be tempted by a chomp on da clitty.
Lyn wiv the limp and her braced legs,
fat sue wiv the smart car ok she’s the dregs.

Bevs little rap is comin to an end,
Bells palsy Pete a text I must send.
Remember me mates one and all,
The Bevlar lives her life and is avin a ball.

vajazzle

well so much for a quiet day. nita nails texted to say shes got an exam and needs to do some treatments for her nvq. went rownd and ad a back wax, brazillyan an a vajazzle. got home before and wanted to take a pikture of me vaj an arf me pubic zerconias av gone. i think theyve popped up me vaj. dunno wether to go to casualty or wait an see if i pee em owt. wat d'ya rekon? im itchin like a twunt down there...

flashbacks

am avin flashbacks to last nite. god luv im stutterin stu tried to sing this to me coz e nows its me fave song. poor fucker cudnt get past the M in marry you. e tryed tho.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AeN-8PsLHJ4 

dont ask

in the werds of that song. oh wat a nite. stutterin stu is back from afganistan and was gaggin for it so i thort id take it easy and not be a slag. i now yer all sayin ow can she not be. well i wor nickers and eyeliner. we went to the siam palice for tea coz theyv got the all yer can eat buffet. cheeky twats asked me to stop gowin up after me 26th pass. im gonna su them under that trayde askripshon coz it says all yer can eat and i cudv et alot mor. itd be like me at werk in powndland and at the chek owt say - no soz sir thats aktually £1.50 yer get me drift dontcha - fukin get me dontcha... i sownd like a pussy cat doll.

anyway i agress as the posh wons say. ad a crakin nite at the fethers and e woz so on for it. ad a bit of forplay in the smokers garden or as the new owner calls it la 'hardin de foomar'. come back from spain and full of it. it woz more like la hardon de spewmar coz every1 woz at it owt there and it stank of spew. well got back to myne and cracked open a bottle of bubbly 3 litre dimond wite. and off we gowz. jezus e woz tuchin evry spot last nite, even that one on me back that i carnt reech to berst. i put on me fave cd wet wet wet....that always helps to make me fanny go drip drip drip. now eez got a foot fetish so i always giv im a few minits down there. well eez not down there long an e goes ded kwiet. not a word good job i put the lite on eez only chowkin on me false nail off me athleets foot. then e goes and spews up the buffet over me new roll on. id lost it by then finished meself of and pored im into a taksi.  still carnt find me nail tho.

just back from cherch theres a new laydee vicar there and i rekon sheez a bit of a lezzer coz she gave me ekstra bred and wine this mornin. happy days.

25th August 2010

welcome to me blog. im new to all this and its a bit arse about face. but hope yerz like it. ere goes.

26th August 2010

got twatted last night at the Feathers... saw Denise and David... she was givin me evils all night.. she should've been at home with not so Baby David!... think Dave still as the horn for me.... he couldn't take his eyes of me rack all night.. and I ain't talkin 'Ribs'....

29th August 2010

jesus I am blessed, I've got the best fambo in the wirld... me dad gets me new weels and me big ( and I mean BIG) bro gets me me own plate... boss...what'der yer rekon?

1st September 2010

im gettin ready to get me back scratched off tonight... any takers...Oh and if you're readin this John Paul... fuck off... I'm avin non of that again this week. Took a week to get the billy off me crewsifix! all that bollox about you and yer college bewty corse and how you are kwallyfied to give facials... twat...

1st September 2010

right, this bloggin malarky won't get me bean flicked... face is on.. i'm off.. done a bottle of absynthe already... me nancy's cooled off... look out boyz... Bevz on er way... catch yers later....x

1st September 2010

im twatted now and can't focus on me screen.... me phone's goin into hidin now or I'll lose it... more pics from tonight tmrw... R Donna's copped off... just avin me supper... a bag 'o' chips in the crem... dead romantic... Fat Frank's avin a go as I text... fuck it...it's a lift ome innit!!!! Laters....

2nd September 2010

jesus mary mother of god... WTF... I've ad some dodgy lifts ome in me time... but this... just found it on me moby....forgive me farther

jesus me eds bangin.... brekkie time...

8th September 2010

im thinkin I might clean the car today...

10th September 2010

me fanny is soooo bitin me leg off watchin dermit o leery... e wouldnt av to beg.

can't bare these wingin skanky biatches on X Factor! I could do soooooooooo much better... you shud ear me doin milkshake...

 

I'm dun doggin...

just took the dog for a walk lookin for some akshon in the park... doggin... I get to meet bleedin ma and pa larkin....that Fasinaytin I eeda make it sound so much more ecksitin.... I guess it's Rabbit's lucky night...and i aint talkin Bright Eyes!!.....

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-lQ11igLI0

22nd September 2010

bored on me break... fat sue with the smart car gave me a bollockin for nickin a packet of haribo... lard arse... she shud see wat i've got down me moon boots....  

thank the lord 4 kwarter bottles of wine! Dun a load on this shift.

just finishd a 14 hr shift. Why do people still ask me how much summit is? Its calld poundland! The clue is in the fuckin name!!...

26th September 2010

im arseold.. bunked off me shift and came down the feathers....just ad a pot noodle to soak up the diamond white... pedo Pete is givin me is eye (e's only got one)... ah fuck it.. it's the best I'll get tonight... and e's got a kia, so got a lift home too. Just thought I was about 10 years too old for him!! an I'm only 28!!...Dave was in tonight... he deffo ad a lazy lob on wen e saw me...

30th September 2010

im made up wit me new lap top... Im gonna lern how to use a computer and get a better job. Cheers Twiggy for a bargain... twenty kwid an a blowy round the back of the feathers... now.. how to turn it on....

1st October 2010

im glad to be back home....a night out in town the other night ended up wit me wakin up flat on me back in a travell lodge in Litham stans werever the fuck that is. tuck 2 eddy stobarts, an argos an bobby goldtop the milkman to get ome....just avin a hairy dog to take the edge off..... missed yers all....

2nd October 2010

im happy to report the Onken did the trick... thank the sweet baby jesus... gave fat Frank a wide berth this week after last weeks infestation... gave Twiggy a go this week... god love im.... like to do me bit for charitee...

4th October 2010

jesus tonight.... it's the middle of the friggin night.... me manager aksd me to come in early to do a stock take.... is she fuckin daft... most days I go in at me normal time and 'stock take' if yer get me drift.... it's double time so sod it.... can't see out me bastard eyes tho... got conjunktivitis and unlike me nancy they've closed up..... L8ers M8ers

8th October 2010

Im gonna kill you Fat Frank!! You spiked me lambrini, didunt feel a friggin thing....I was off me ed!! Happy Halloween anyway all for the 31st!

10th October 2010

im tryin to deside if I cud shag russel watson....oh fuck it... it's a lift home...

anyone fancy cummin round for an OTW?....(oily tit wank)

just chucked a sickie...poundland can fuck off...I is shagged...

 

12th October 2010

just got back from the jim wiv fat sue wiv the smart car... why she fuckin chowse that ill never now....I av to leave me door open on the way home... I got er back for the other pics she took wen I woz twunted..

13th October 2010

bored at work cant keep me eyes open... ad an all nighter wiv fat frank wiv the twitch I know I'll never lern. But it was rainin and spent me bus fare on lambrini. got the Onken on standby reddy to go. an if one more piss staind penshoner asks me again how much something is I will twat em one its POUNDLAND...the cluw is in the poxy name..better go me supervisor one eyed Jack (jackie with the glass eye) is watchin me.

15th October 2010

ive got an ordishon for britans got talent.. this time next year everyone will know my name, move over Subo enter 'BEVO'... just need to choose a song. Mite do 'Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep' or that posh song about the japaneeze caravan 'Nissan Dormer' Any other sujeshtions???

17th October 2010

as ran out of Onken natral yogert... anyone know if I can use Passion fruit ski yogert on me thrush??

too late, just popped it on..nippin to the 24hr tezzies for sum blue striped natural yogurt. can't chuck a sickie tmrw... one eyed jack will giv me the push..

19th October 2010

can't be arsed doin erleys tmrw... fuckin one eyed jack and pop it in Pete are on... fuckin pervs both of them... mite do a sickie again...anyone wanna play tmrw?

fuckin denise just text me.... where did she get me number from... lay off she says... fuck her.. this is war... I will av Dave Best again!... did have Jim but e woz fuckin rank....nite guyz

bevz off to bed... will do me early shift... pop it in pete is hung like a donkey... I'll get a poke in me lunch hour...

22nd October 2010

im listenin to Wet Wet Wet gettin reddy... that Marti Pello makes me fanny go Drip Drip Drip.

it's fryday....yippeee... off to wongs with the gerls tonight for 2 set meals for 6... not sure wat the gerls are avin... hopin to kop off with pat pong Pete who sells the ookey viagra...

25th October 2010

im fit to burst... ive ad 2 set meals for 6 and toffee balls... now on to dementia Daves balls... don't say I don't do charity... bless im... he ain't fussy... and e ain't all with it....

27th October 2010

dylemma... X factor and a take away or Feathers and a fuck?.....Stutterin Stu is home from afganistan and gaggin for it... what d'ya rekon?....

28th October 2010

is well oiled... and well lubed... any takers... stutterin Stu kopd off with fat Sue with the smart car... won't get up to much in that fuckin roller skate...at least Ive got split foldin seets...i am not doin fat frank agen tonite... its early yet... watch this space...

29th October 2010

wot appened, just woke up in Lynne with the limps flat... tell me i didnt. not that i avent before but not wiv her... im sat lookin at her friggin hip brace at the end of the bed wiv er legs on... fuck knows were she is! gonna look thru me phone for evidence.

just saw a bleedin video camera too! gotta get out of ere.

were the fuk is lynne wiv the limp. her legs are at the end of the bed she carnt hav got far.

oh dear.. this pic on me fone mite ecksplane me loss of memory WTF. im givin up drinkin. for a few hours.

29th October 2010

on me way home, found Lynne bobbin in the bath singin along to karly simon! never agen.

found someones hair stenshons in me bag. ill see if Sandy Scissors can put em in for me savvie.

got me stenshons in.. Sandy did a grate job. fuck knows how I got em.

 

31st October 2010

fukin alloween i hate it. kids in the shops are kunts and me bastard door duznt stop.

fuck me, if theres one person id giv an OTW to its olly mors.

2nd November 2010

im watchin jez kyle. wot is this Tility thing theyz talkin about?

me grapes is playin up..... not the fruit... me piles.

5th November 2010

Bev Macca is goin up in the werld, got an intervew wiv these guys. more upmarket than me current employer poundland.
http://www.poundworld.net/

PoundWorld

www.poundworld.net

8th November 2010

im friggin freezin. got no money on me lekky so me nips are out like bolts. summit to hang me coat on i guess. mite go down the feathers, warmer there and might get a well known bird a cock or two.. bin offerd a new job today so gonna go selibrate. id even do fat frank tonight to get a warm. happy friday guyz.

10th November 2010

fuckin cheek. still got no money for me lekky and me fanny was rank so went round to the home to see me nan. not seen her for a few years. weeled her to the loo and used the shower. ok so i forgot to take her back to her room. friggin home just rang kickin off. ungrateful old biddy. just in launderet chargin me fone and gettin a warm.

12th November 2010

on me second box of blue nun, payday yaaaaaaaaay got me lekky back on and credit on me fone all thats missin is a shag. any offers? not fussy.

15th November 2010

aint tinternet fuckin fab - mite cum in handy for some of me mates on here.
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_do_you_get_the_sperm_stain_off_your_clothes

Answers.com - How do you get the sperm stain off your clothes

wiki.answers.com

18th November 2010

bevs twatted and dancin round me livin room. lillian wiv the iron lung is bangin on the wall. fuck er got this on me ipod.

20th November 2010

im trippin here. woz lookin for a bit of porn looked up lazy lobs and got some kids show called lazy town. all these fuckin lezzers dancin around like twats.
was just listenin to this song by black lace called agadoo. me mates say its my anthum but they av there own werds for it -
Av a screw screw screw poke our bev right up the crack, av a screw screw screw dump yer load upon her back!!!!

23rd November 2010

shit i can hear the munsters from next door puttin the lights out that means they will switch off there internet so I mite get cut off mid sen

26th November 2010

how lucky is Bev tonight. Old iron lung lill next door is coffing her guts up and got up again. when she puts her lamp on the internet must be in a double adapter plug. bingo I'm back online. way to go....cough away biatch, hope it lasts all night. 

how lucky am i to have a naybur wiv a lung problem. i can ave me internet on tap as she gets worse. am i a cunt?

28th November 2010

any tips for cracked nipples, mine are cracked to fuck with this poxy wether. tried tee tree oil but they nearly took me eyes out wen the cold air hit em. avin fat frank angin of them every weekend doesnt help I guess.

 

30th December 2010

cristmas is cummin and i just done a crizzy wash. well yer never now do yer!

2nd December 2010

just onked me guts up...orderd a 18' seafood supreme meat feast mighty hot tikka thick krust from Pierres Pizza. I'll eat the box at this rate...friggin starvin.

 

4th December 2010

bein wined dined and hopefully shagged tonite. area manager tuk a shine to me. can yers let me know what hapens on x faktor. sher and one direkshon to win. must go... eez cumin back from the cack house...cud be me luky nite.

6th December 2010

i is fucked... a week on stock take for crimbo... haven't ad time to nick me cristmas shopping...

12th December 2011

bin on a bender. crimbo nite out fryday only jushd got in. came in via cherch. i woz starvin so went and got sum free bred and wine. tight twats only gave me a sip. the bred was shite too. off to bed now, no trollys to take off so Bev mustve scored. nite nite. cristmas is a cummin.

13th December 2010

stayin in tonite. got me wine in thanks to paypal. sold a pack of me used draws to sum mug for £30.... only cost me a fiver new. gonna watch ex factor. one direcshon to win.

24th December 2010

fukin ell. histree is repeetin itself. no room at the inn for mary. fuk all room in the fethers tonite for bev. not been on for ages bin skint. just fancied a nite owt too. come ome to get twatted on me own. happy crimbo! :-(

ow duz that song go. itll be lownly this cristmas...

25th December 2010

 merry crimbo to all me mates on all me sites.

 just ad a phone call from sandy scissors and she's heard denise and dave have split.

any1 wanna take bev out for a bev... i'm up for it tonite wish it cud be crizzy every day...

just ad me crimbo sugar puffs wiv mint bayleys on em. appy days.

 

26th December 2010

guess whooz payin for a crimbo shagathon....me nancy is on fire..

chuckin a sicky me shops got a sale on and thatll just blow me mind.. i aks yer poundland avin a sale.

27th December 2010

me eds bangin an me gobs as dry as a nuns chuff

me rezolushons next week is to ignore skank features in feathers forget Dave work on Twiggy e gets me sum fab gear for a blowy or an OTW get out of poundland and live me dream of workin in poundWORLD!! big difrense oh and steear clear of fat frank and is rank nob itll save me a forchoon in onkun yogert.

29th December 2011

urjent apeel someon robbed lynne wiv the limps legs last night from the feathers.. if anyones seen em let me know its ded tite and before any1 aks no i fuckin didnt.

anyone got any tips on ow to get spew out of dog fur.

1st January 2011

carnt beleeve ive got to go to werk today. some twat has fuked up the rosters.
sowin a panel in me uniform for tomoz put on a few pounds over crimbo was away wen we did sowin at skool so makin a right fuck up of it.
bit of goss hot of the pres denise is stayin at jim and barbs most nights and shes put the kids into care for a break. sandy sissers told me wen i woz avin me new year hair done and twiggys mate who works sekurity at cooltrader cort leggins lorraine givin dave a gobble in there car park thatll learn the skank.

2nd January 2011

andrew stone is a twat. thats very deep of me isnt it for this time of the day. wotched im last nite.

just nipped in the bog wiv bella and me moby, bella the mag yer dirty minded gets cant be fucked wiv all them customers bringing back their crimbo prezents fuck me they woz only a qwid fuckin chuck em out.

3rd January 2011

start the year as yer mean to go on....

off for the 3 fs feathers fat frank and a fu...............................................laters

4th January 2011

sweet baby jesus only bev cud order a kebab from mustaffas and end up gettin a poke little ali eez a lovely lad didnt av a tip for im so e took a dip wile bev munched away... still prefer the older man theyr more grateful and always say thank you night all bevs on earlys tomoz 2 till 8pm.

5th January 2011

 saw big juwlee from Argos in sandy scissors salon other day shez doin liter life diet she can only drink er own piss and eat milk shakes she dropd loads i rekon shez down to a size 32.

6th January 2011

off today goin for one of them fish pedikurs not sure wot thatz all abowt poor fish will be chowkin on me hard skin an corn plasters.

8th January 2011

rite erly nite tonight im on a disiplinery tmrw wiv Lynee wiv the limp on the bord i shud walk it coz ill show the pics of me an er in bed. still brikin it tho...wish uz luck.

thanks fer all yerz gud luck messigis got a ritten worning gave lynne wiv the limp the eye and that woz that. just hope she dont want a re run of the other week.

10th January 2011

spent the avvie in cazuwalty and not the fuckin show choked on one of me mums roast spuds fuckin gorge doc think he woz forin but i still wud i aint fussy.

beverly patel......got a bit of a ring to it.

12th January 2011

karnt coment on the rumurs in the papers that i am the sekret luv child of vanesa felch...ive got sunglasses on today incase the piparatzi pimp me today.

ad me giro canselled so skint no blush for bev tonite they fownd out about me job at poundland but that was just voluntery honest. an wat they payd me was charity i ate that cowelisshon its maggies folt just tryin a new coktale barbiqu liter and coke wiv lowds of ice its ded nice.

18th January 2011

me minge is meltin watchin glee on sky plus. to top it all me wet wet wet greatest hits has just arrived from amazon gess whoze fanny will be goin drip drip drip later.

dunno why i wotch glee the poor puffs dads in a coma in hospikal and wot do they all do.. sing a fuckin song and everyone is happy happy happy must try that wen me giros cancelled agen and ive got no money for me wine box.

20th January 2011

im on me ands and nees tryin to put sum chikin nuggets in me oven but i can see abowt 4 ovens... crackin nite.... me and bells porlsy paul kopped off... but the fucker loozes alf of is drink and grub out the side of iz gob... wat a waste... i pretended i wonted to kiss im, but i just slurrped iz baileys from iz chin... oh fuck just put me nuggets in the pan cupboard......try agen bev....

21st January 2011

me fuckin chikin nuggets wot a waste fell asleep after id put them on....karnt beleev me and BPP kopped off last nite. its grate goin out wiv him coz i get to av harf his drinks too wen i snog im on his bad side win win for bevlar.

23rd January 2011

iz flikin thru me argos catalog lookin at the lizzy duke rings bells porlsy paul is gettin serios eez text me twice since r sesh ive never dun long term befor.

d'yas think this is too classy for an engaygment ring

25th January 2011

im thinkin of startin up me own bizness. its a servis for married wimin i will shag there huzbands wen its all gone stale- win win they stay togever and bev gets her flu swept. rekon it will be big i mite go on that show wiv the woman who has a goiter for a hed- dragons den pass it on to yer married mates.

27th January 2011

bin goin thru me old fotos and thinks i need to change i need to matchur and not bee a bit of a slapper. went owt last night and ended up in me mates jakoozi. it woz ded funny.

28th January 2011

friday night and bevs off out. feathers first then off to ken wong ways new resterornt the gay malay for a set meal for 6.... not sure wot me mates are avin got me eye on twiggy agen... i now ive bin there before but eez always ded grateful. im soooooo over bells porlsy paul aka needledick the bug fucker just craked open me crem de menth look out guys bevs on er way out....

3rd February 2011

goin owt for a ded posh meal and wont sum tips on hetiket. iz it ok to pick me chikin leg up wiv me hands and av a fag at the same time. i wont to impress twiggys mum and dad. goin to that ded posh restrortnt in town. its called harvester. im ded nervus and dont now wich pare of leggins to wear. im gonna put a creese in them as its a speshal ocayshon.

 

6th February 2011

fuckin ell... choked me poor nan tonite got a bred mashine for me birthday and made her a loaf but the fuckin paddle was in the loaf. shes on life support I feel ded gilty. so sorry nan.

im not bein orrible but it kinda gets her bak for all the hairy pavlovas she makes us dred to think were the hairs are from

 

8th February 2011

carnt bare that farmville shite on here i rekon its undergrownd porn coz people keep fertilizin love eggs and spredin there seed all over each other. frigg off all of yers. yer takin up all me pages on facebook.

10th February 2011

gettin sik of all these do gooders aksin yer to put shite on yer facebook profile to save the world or cure illnessess well bevlar has an idea. change yer profile pikture on facebook to a pastie to help werld hunger. now fuck off.

12th February 2011

ive left me top plate at the chinky tonite and carnt get them to open up i ope they dont throw it out i carnt go to werk without me teeth tmoz.

14th February 2011

got lowds of valentyne cards.

ta twiggy for settin me up wiv me new nitbook and twatter e iz good isnt e mind you e got a noshin under the table at kfc fer doowin it

well it woz only a matter of time went to feathers last nite wiv twiggy he wun on the scratchys so tret me. ended up in a mangey twa wiv fat frank
bring on me onken
fuckin looks i woz gettin from the skank aka denise or dennis as shes known to some whe needs a shave

15 February 2011

thanx twiggy for fixin me shower and me boiler.

oops i shud have moved me feminin hi jean products ferst

im ded eksited get trainin on me new skanner gun today so i can do redukshons. ill be takin it ome wiv me every nite and doin a big shop at aldi everythin marked down. ill go shoppin wiv any of me fb mates for £50 and ill mark down all yer shoppin
gorra go lynne wiv the limp is givin me evils

17th February 2011

got a powem sent from the huzband of a selebrity. cant tell you hoo he is but heres the powem.

Bev oh Bev I watch you from afar,
Down at the Feathers up at the bar.
Tenth crem de menth and you start to falter,
Stirrings in my groin I cannot alter.

Like the gent I am I take you home,
A quick finger on the night bus and you start to moan.
We carry it on at your luxury flat,
I wipe me knob on your neighbours cat.

You bring me to life like J cannot do,
You’re full of life and a fuckin great screw.
I’ll never get over my Beverly Macca,
Wish Twiggy would do one, he’s a fuckin great spakka.

22nd February 2011

carnt bare that fuckin deniss on this mornin why carnt she open her eyes
fuckin upside down legs or wat.

she looks like shes bin kicked in the cnut

lukin forwerd to shameless tonite
carnt beleeve there are such common peeple in the werld

23rd February 2011

hate half term all them bastard kids comin into the shop (poundland) aksin me how much is this how much is that was funny wonce.

ruths a bit of a wide bride aint she on this mornin. just noticed her saddle bags.

27th February 2011

iz off to the feathers hopefully get a finger a fudge wiv twiggy gowin kwite well.

home allreddy its all kicked off with denise and dave all i did woz aksed him to do me mams disco for her 60th she thort we woz plannin a ron dee voo silly skank grabbed sandy scissors scissors and went for me Loozer ive still ad one in the pink and one in the stink from dave and she will never get over it
not arsed ad to be in by 11 f...or me tag.

1st March 2011

any1 now how yer spell prost ate
i think ive got a problem wiv mine. 

im followin the queen on twitter carnt wait to see er holiday photos
carnt find the fuckers

2nd March 2011

thank the sweet baby jesus got tinternet back
lynn wiv the limp at work as locked the werks internet
that friggin selfish cow downstairs died at my place. so i cudnt jump on ers
felt like id lost me flickin arm
missed yers all

3rd March 2011

fuckin fethers got wy fy at last ill be livin here from now on
skank face denise tonite wiv her new ifone showin off
dave only bort it for her as a gilt prezzy

me fanny smells of roses today
the choklit
fat frank mustve left iz strorberry suprize
wen he woz down there last nite

5th March 2011

is avin me own comunion today after them shower of shits banned me from the cherch last sunday not very cristyan

carnt beleeve its still snowin in scotland
bev got a coating of the white stuff last nite
ad to change me new duvet cover ta twiggy

6th March 2011

friggin vanessa thretend me wiv a restraining order in the fethers last nite
said 'im not yer muva'
it woz like seene from eastenders i yelled yes you r
woz waitin for the duff duffs
sheez gonna hav to ecsept it one day

10th March 2011

eckslusive.. the piktures vanessa didnt wont you to see.. found this just after she gave berth to me i will fite this

12th March 2011

is tryin to make meself sick in the stor room
no i avent got beleemia im bored and wanna go home lynne wiv the limp is givin me a hard time today makin me work just coz sheez me superviser. and ive got glee on sky plus to watch

13th March 2011

ded chuffd wiv me new posh mates on facebook. margot gavan duffey and now michaela hennessey vaas.... why cudnt i hav met there fellas ferst i like it duble barrelld
beverly gavan duffy macca or beverly hennessey vaas macca
imagine that at the clap clinic wen they call me in. bet theyd always see me first wiv that name.

15th March 2011

just been reedin a ded funny story about a woman who woke up and said she didnt remember avin a baby. a mate of mine did that a few years ago so she cud go off to corfoo wiv er fella.

wotchin air hunters on telly
rekon i mite have a lost relativ with dosh
anyone now the fone number for bbc

16th March 2011

sandy scissors has offerd to do me a demi wave on wendsday but dont now if i shud trust er. she woz out with dave, denise and leggins lorraine last week. wot d'ya rekon? nowin them witches ill come out lookin like this

17th March 2011

tell me wy i dont like mondays n tuesdays n wendsdays....
bev hates every day if it involvs goin to work and facin all the smaked arses
i hav to werk wiv
in the werds of hevva small from em peeple bev is
movin on up

18th March 2011

is gonna chuk a sikky. ad to go to the kwaks for a blood test for me diabeetees. fukin nurse aks me wen did yer last eat you were suppozd to starve. i did fukin starve. i avent eaten since 4am wen i got up for a cuppa soop. no she sayz shud have bin for 14 hours
fuk that. ill take a chanse on me diabeetees i aint starvin for 14 hours i...d have to av donations from comic releef if i woz starvin that long

19th March 2011

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20th March 2011

im kinda over that liz wuman dyin now. its ded sad an all that but she woz like 100. she will be as happy as larry making videos up in the heaven wiv gary glitter.

oh no meant to say mikeal jackson.

21st March 2011

bin off raydar. got sent home from werk coz skank face lynne wiv the limp said i woz rank. i ad a bit of a problem wiv me onken the other day. i woz a bit twatted and put sower creem up me snatch insted of onken fer me thrush. so she kicks off and sends me home. just been for a wax at tu tan cum in salon. she ad to wax sum of the mold off too it woz well fuckin sower!