first date last date...

well i kept it from yerz as long as i cud coz i waz so ecksited an thort me life waz just about to change as Saint Simon of the Webbe from blue once sang.... oh how rong i waz. i wont bore yerz but last week i had to go for my SLAG training Supervising Leading and Goals. that was were I met him... my nite in shining armur. Mr Borthwick... he was nothing like anyone i'd ad before. older balder richer... big posh house in Cheshire with a swimin pool the lot.. we had a laff at the canteen an he said i was a breth of fresh air... he rang me on the hour every hour after that... text me emailed me... he was on the bord of directers... i thort i had it all..

Well, jump forward to last nite... heed booked a tayble at Le Grande Onion posh resterornt in that posh hotel on the high street... i really made an effort on me appearence... i wore a frock over me leggins for the ferst time in years... it woz one of me mates poshest frocks she had... i ad a few liters before i went.. got there ordered me own wine.. chataux Lambrusco 2011... made meself at home... 3 hrs later franswar the maytra dee came over with sum bombay mix n a glass of wine.. evidentlee Dog breath Borthwick turned up... was pointed to me table... then did a runner... ive never been so gutted in me life... franswar really helped... first time ive ad French... it's Borthwick's loss... i'm startin nite skool next week doin French... Oh la la... I already did.... laterz....

faceache to facebook...

well guys n gals... thanks to you me diary is now 17500 from folk all over the world. thanks for checkin me out hope i keep yerz amused with me dull life. just thought i'd let yerz all now i am on Facebook too... so if yer hitting on the diary then take a moment to click on the link below and if yerz on facebook add Bev as yer frend, i aint fussy i'll ecksept anyone. while yer at it why not recommend Bev to yer mates. thanks agen for checkin in on me.... laterz
Click here for Beverly Macca on Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001638772950

life is a rollercoaster

i've sed it before an i'll say it agen......as Saint Ronan of the Keating said... Life is a rollercoaster! look at my week gone... check out gerl to top dog... its not bin easy... i mean im gettin greef from Fat Sue with the smart car.... but i can handle it.. only this mornin  i woz woke up by fat sue wiv the smart car screamin down the fone coz I'm late...me lecky must've gon in the nite coz me alarm hadnt gone off... told her to shit off and use the time it takes me to get in to force another all day brekfast pastie down er gob..... friggin cheek...not 5 minits later rang agen... I told her to take a good look at my name badge wen I get in....it says supervisor...that ain't no laundry mark lady!....
                                                                                 
nothin prepared me for this afternoon... waz in the staff room... fat sue ringin the bells for me to go on tills... then next minit rav wildin and shayne ward are on Baggy Birds... or some now it as Loose Women... before I now it there I am on the show in the bin at the back of Home n Bargain.... god nows how thay got that.. i'm gonna have to get in tuch wiv that Cliff Maxford.... ive bin asked to press the button on the lottery show on Saturday coz Jenni falconer has had a baby..... ive just opened a 5 liter box to selibrate... laterz.... 


Here I am on Baggy Birds or Loose women - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldgr2IRXvw4

from shagger to sugar...

 as the song goes... wat a diffrence a week makes... this time last week i woz plain old Beverly Macca sprayin me Far La on the shop floor... this week i am Beverly Macca, acktin supervisor about to go into my first meeting. its not bin an easy ride... bit like when i woz goin out wiv stutterin Stu from Afganistan... but its worth it... its hard work tho. yesterday i had to get up early.. went and opened the shop... came back to bed for a cuple of hours then went back for me lunch.. out to Primarni for a power soot... then back to lock up... Fat sue wiv the smart car is ragin.. she reckons she shudve got the job.. she can skank off... well as yer can see there is me power soot. thay only ever see me in leggins leppard print n Timmy shoos... oh i nearly forgot me breefcase too.. yer nobody in bizness without a breefcase. ask the woman who make the bra's.. Michelle Moneobe....i'm gonna blow Mike Hunt sideways when i walk in the meetin.

i even did all me homework that woz emailed to me last nite... i woz tryin to consentrayte on embarrisin bodys which was hard wen sum cock in a frock was gettin a fanny.. but i thort no... get me homework done wiv a box of wine... ive sky plussed all me telly for tonite.. i'll keep yerz all posted... laterz...

the only way is up...

in the words of that famous groop Jizz...... or waz it Jazz.... mite've been Yazz... the only way is up... followin on from yesterday wen i woz called into the office... I nearly shit a cola bottle... sat there was Fat Frank... Lynne wiv the limp... an shock of all shocks..... Mike Hunt from head office..... they said i've bin so good puttin me Far La about so much that they wud like to offer me the posishon of temp supervisor.... there was me thinkin it woz coz theyd seen me eatin haribo on a stock take.... i had to think abowt it for a second.... but frig me... Beverly Jane Macca a supervisor... maybe me mum Vanessa Feltz will aknowlige me now... only downside is Fat Sue wiv the smart car (she still haznt slimmed into it) is ragin..... im gunnin for her....

So tonite is a celebrayshon... we are doin a pub crawl.... frig nows were we will end up... im 3 liters into a 5 liter box.... just a tad munted... but hay...its not every day yer get a promoshon.... ave a grate nite n weekend... luv yerz all... xx

recycle the bevlar...

well good on the rozzers for a change. theyve releesed CCTV footige of the back of home n bargain. they are goin thru hours of it to see if thay can see who dumped the Bevlar in the bin. it waz very trormatic. they said i woz only minutes away from the collection. frig nows wat i cudve bin recycled into... there are a few names in the pot already includin a certain person who hates me coz of me histree wiv her fella! no names menshoned. i'm gonna try for compo. just glad me Timmy Shoos wernt nicked...

bit of good news tho... got taken into the office today to meet me supervisors fat frank an lynne wiv the limp. got in there and Mike Hunt from hed offise was there... i thort theyd caught me on cctv eatin the haribo wen i do a stock take... well i nearly shat a cola bottle.... Lynne Wiv the limp has got to go into hospital to get her false legs sorted... theyve only asked me to be temporary supervisor... i carnt beleeve it... fat sue wiv the smart car is ragin and threatenin to kwit... she can shit off... i'm gonna introduce some new rules there... for me.... goin out to celebrate wiv me gays tonite... chinky all yer can eat buffay then rice bar here we com... laterz... xx

bingo wings into bingo wins...

well there i woz last nite settled down in me fleecy leggins n Motes Muffins... they are a copy version of Totes Toasties... pat pong pete got them for me... some bloke called rowel used to knock them out... opened a nice 5 liter box an started to watch the omnybus of life of grime i'd sky plussed... the gay malay rang and talked me into goin owt... big mistake... good nite but woke up in a recyclin bin at the back of home and bargain... shudve bin in on earlies but had to chuck a sicky...

big mistake goin sick... spent all day playin online bingo... i friggin love it... met some crackin girls an fellas on there... i'm gonna turn me Bingo Wings into Bingo Wins.... its ded adictive... ive maxed out that credit card that waz sent to me by mistake.. anyways... do me a favor guys n gals... can yerz go to facebook and like this page for me i've got a shag restin on it..... laterz n thanks...
Click here and like - http://www.facebook.com/pages/For-Everyone-who-likes-Bingo/227149817315726?sk=wall&filter=1

Abercrombie vs Allfrombombay...

i'm sorry i had to share this corker with yerz. that skank shobna singh who said i woz shopliftin from her shop has set this up. i mean wat wud you choose abercrombie or allfrombombay... i just walked past an the sign has gone up... i had to take a piccy for yerz. the dresses sheez got in there are fab if yer a fuckin kwaker!!! after my trorma i wont be steppin foot in there... im goin for compo for mental tortchure. she even has the lights on low (savin on leckky) an the Bangra music blarin.

yerz mite be wunderin why im out of werk early. well weve got gales here and fat frank n lynne wiv the limp were hummin n harrin about shuttin early. i cudnt be frigged listenin to them so i went out back an threw the bin threw the back window... threw meself to the floor screamin... result... shop shut.. an the nominayshons are.... laterz...

say no to bo...

let this be a warnin to yerz all. now i dont like to talk bad of me mates but ive just let this gerl have a sniff of me Far La at work. i didnt want to draw attenshon to her roots so asked her abowt her eyeshadow. she said she woz ded grateful coz she thort i woz goin to ask about her lips... i said now yer cum to menshon it they are big fuckers. she broke down. felt awful turns out she'd bin to Sharm El Sharon's salon Tu Tan Cum In... well I nearly shit a mascara... i told her about my minge singe there an how sheez got her bit of forin Mustaffa visa doin treetments there. its not rite sheez not kwally fullified... so let this be a warnin to yerz all. buy cheap yer buyz twice... ill leave yer with that thort of the day.... laterz...

not gilty yer lord...

oh the shame of it... never ever shop at the old bon marche... Shobna Singh has reopened it as a posh version of that trendy American clothes shop... she gets all her stuff from India then sews it all herself... sheez called it 'Allfrombombay my Stitch'..... she dobbed me in yesterday sayin i woz nickin a top... i woznt.... she has the lights ded low and the friggin Bangra beat blearin owt.... i wonted to see the shade outside in the light... i got a lovely copper called Terry Trunshon.... he cud see i woz innocent after a bit of oral communicayshon.... very trormatic tho...

you now Bev tho... neve one to let things get her down or stop her from partayin....i got home an opened a box of wine to carm me nerves... id planned to go to the new Thai restrornt in town. i had a voucher from a few months ago from Twiggys magazine 'Thai'd to you'.... a bride by mail mag.... ad a crackin meal... friggin hot tho... got the usual PCR today.... to those who don't know it's Post Chilli Ringsting.... ad a few bevs at the Rice bar then ended up avin a kip on the way home with Mabel North, loving wife and mother. Died Jan 2003. woke up freezin so went home to sleep it off. carnt get that song out me hed that Fat Larry sang... i adapted it to fat frank an our escapades... Zoom just one suck n then his nuts went boom..... laterz....

whooz the Mugg....

sweet baby yazu... how friggin cold is it... winter haz deffo arrived coz i've got me new Muggs.... Pat Pong Pete who gets me all the copy stuff got me these copy Uggs... But I aint no mug... i wudnt dream of payin Ugg prices... if yer remember he gets me me Timmy Shoos... yerd never tell them from the reel thing.... i change into me Timmys wen I get to work...

Had a bit of a scare this mornin..... woke up an thort I woz blind... fell over me foot spa cut me friggin nee ripped me tites... then i realized id got eye shades on... soft arse over the road has put a sekurity lite up in his front garden... its like friggin Tenko when it goes off... heez the new nayborhood watch.... nosey twat too... ive got hiz card marked...  heez only got one arm.... he rides a bike too... so when i see the fucker ridin up the road i giv him a hoot on the horn an wave... of corse he carnt let go of his handle bar so this friggin stump shoots up to salute yer.... i piss me pants... rite.. must go... on me lunch and lynne wiv the limp is chukin me evils... laterz....

has Bev got the X...

well i had hoped to keep this a secrit.. but i got papped...gutted...i wont tell yer how far i got...it woz a great day. got to meet the girl whooz gran had a cancerous tumour on her bunion and dedicated the song to her - These boots are made for walkin. there woznt a dry eye in the house. then there waz the boy whooz sister was a pregnant teenage dwarf with crohns disease and an extra big toe... he sang a rap version of Disney's Small Small World... Dermot couldn't speak... wat an experience it woz. Simon looked ded diffrent close up... he reminded me of someone else...I think they liked my version of Charlene's song Never bin to me... mine was a cover written by me called 'I've robbed from Kwik Save, but I've never done Aldi'....they were sobbin.... laterz...

soap on a rope...

its one of those weekends already... first me spray tan goes wrong thanks to Sharm El Sharon not payin her leckky bill....bought some Tantastic self tan cream thats out of dayte I'm the colour of boiled shite... an to top it all i'd run out of shower gel... had an old soap on a rope someone got me for crimbo... spent an hour tryin to get a lather out of it washin me Mary ready for some akshon tonite... next thing it splits open and me nancy is full of cheese... its a bleedin posh cheese not a soap on a rope... some catch I'll be tonight... i'm like a Jaurndised George Best with a hole full of gorgonzola... any tips on how to get cheese out yer chuff?...

Tu Tan Cum In...

why do i bother... every time i go to Sharm El Sharons salon sumthin happens. Remember when I went for the new Brazillian called 'Minge Singe'... they singe yer bush wiv a sentid candle....Mustaffa did it and cocked it up big style... well Sharm El Shaz calls me to say sheez got a new machine do i want to try it an get a dizzy. good job i wozn't on the pull last night... she gets half me body done then bang... friggin lites n machine went off...  turns out Mustaffa hadn't paid the leckky bill, sent the dosh over to his family in Sharm El Shake... i was ragin.... she can't see he is a con man.. it'll all end in tears, just like it did wiv the last one. she met Barry Perez from Tenerife... came back and changed the salon from 'Turk n Tan Delight' to 'Tanerife' overnight. Tarkan was out on his ear to make way for Senor Perez... sheez so fickle... then off she goes to Sharm El Shake and abracadabra... Barry is sent packin and in comes Mustaffa visa... She's goin on holiday to Goa next year... frig knows what it will be called after that holiday!

Just nippin to me poundland shop.. we've got our own 'Tantastic' tannin cream... i'll finish meself off for tonight... laterz... 

east meets west...

well thay say theres a ferst for everythin.... well my ferst woz last nite... I must've bin twunted... I shudn't do it on a skool nite... started off early at mine wiv a few crem de menths.. got me jiro so cash in the bank... bit of credit on me fone an i iz happy. went to the chineese for me fave set meal for 4... met up wiv cheryl bells porlsy pete an stutterin stu back from afganistan... i think i woz dayte raped... coz next thing i know i turned over in bed an came face to face wiv Bhaldev from Bhaldevs Bazaar.... WTF!...I nearly shit a bhaji... i woz gonna kick him out but thort of me tab at his shop... lets just say me credit limit has been raysed!!... that wasnt all that was raised... e woz ded polite...

after all that I woz late for work an lynne wiv the limp waz supervisor today.. she's put me on stock take... an i will... just stuffin me face wiv haribo... goin for a spray tan later at Sharm El Sharon's salon Tu Tan Cum In... don't know if yer remember but she woz goin on holiday to Sharm all the time, then met Mustaffa.... before yer can say pyramid sheez brort him back an set up shop... sheez ded fickle... before it was egypshon theme it was called Taneriffe... that woz wen she woz wiv Barry Perez from Ibiza... rite gotta go.. lunch calls... laterz..